Last night when I left the house That Husband was still away on business so I did something crazy.
I wore purple tights.
And I put my hair up all messy and crazy.
To me, these things represent what it was like when I was single. When I was single I could dress and look the way only I wanted, all the time. That Husband doesn’t “make” me dress any certain way, but I know he prefers it. I’ve written before about his distaste for red lipstick and red high heels, and now you know how he doesn’t like colored tights either.
Some might say I am repressing who I am to be with him, but I don’t think of it that way. Yes, I get dressed and try to look good for myself, but in many ways I do it for him too. I am his, and he is mine, and knowing he likes the way I look still makes me feel a little bit prickly inside.
So I keep my purple tights (and my sparkly gold ones too) tucked away in a drawer, saving them up for a time when he isn’t around. Those are the times when I expirement a little bit. I put them on because I like checking to see if that fun single lady is still alive under this often boring married exterior.
January 14th, 2009 on 12:11 pm
I gave up my three pairs of Converse Chuck Taylors when we got engaged. I still miss them almost four years later.
In exchange, he gave up the horrendous horrendous navy blue Lands End sweatshirt he owned and started putting gel in his hair.
It’s all about tradeoffs, I guess.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 12:25 pm
Love the purple tights! Tights are my favorite winter-time accessory (nice thick ones a requirement for me, since I like to wear skirts and dresses, but have a mile long walk to the lab).
I think relationships are about give-and-take, and tradeoffs. If there is something that a spouse finds offensive with good reason (like associating red lipstick with being too hooker-like), then I think it’s respectable to refrain from wearing red lipstick in his presence (I don’t think I could give up red heels, though!). My husband hates one-shouldered anything because he feels like that look should have died out with the caveman. I own one one-shouldered shirt, and I happen to love it. If I’m going out with my friends somewhere, or Husband and I are going out with a group of people, I’ll wear it. But if it’s just hubby and me, I certainly would not wear it for just the two of us doing something — when I have a whole closet full of clothes, why would I pick something that he doesn’t like?
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 12:38 pm
i know my husband isn’t particularly crazy about my chuck taylors, or when i wear all graphic tees one week, but i’d be lying if i said it didn’t bother me, hurt my feelings, or make me feel like he wasn’t accepting me for me.
i think this post *might* be a little more controversial because you hold an extremely traditional viewpoint (no worries - i hold quite a few of them myself) but i can only hope that every once in a while you could look at that husband and say,
“hey. this is part of who i am. you can live with it tonight. kisses!”
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 12:44 pm
You know, it’s funny because we have, on the surface, very different beliefs, but I don’t find this post controversial.
I think when you love someone, you do things that make them happy. It’s not like That Husband is telling you never to wear makeup or pants or whatever. I wear certain things (or don’t wear certain things) because I know it pleases my partner, and while I think it’s important to maintain one’s individuality, I also think that too firm a grip on who one was as a single lady can be just selfish.
It seems like you’ve found a great balance; going out with your girlfriends (or whomever) when the Husband is gone, you wear the things he doesn’t like, and then you can wear what he does like when he’s home. I do the same thing. It seems normal to me. It’s how my parents were. I don’t see it as being a traditional/non-traditional thing, but a matter of compromise and respect that is necessary in relationships. I’m sure That Husband makes compromises for you, too!
That being said, you are rockin’ those purple tights!
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 12:45 pm
I totally understand what you’re talking about, there are certain things FH doesn’t like and I try to avoid wearing them around him
But when I know I’m not going to see him one day or night, I’ll wear some of those things b/c I still like them 
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 1:10 pm
Nice Purple tights!
Neither of us have really given up wearing certain things. Even though, I won’t let Mr. Bean wear socks and sandals when he is around me. haha.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 1:12 pm
Marriage = compromise
But like my grandmother always told me it has to come from both sides or else it’s sacrifice (and that does not work).
I think we all have our girly times when our husand/other half are away. I take care of myself, I watch chick flicks and I play dress up when I know he won’t be there. It’s fun.
It’s not like he would disapprove or anything, it’s just that 1) I don’t think he would understand it and 2)It’s MY time.
Oh and what you did isn’t that crazy in my opinion. And you are still fun, but you just got married and right now you are both adjusting to married life and finding your place in your relationship, that takes time and compromise.
I’m sure that as time goes there will be things you will be more assertive about, and moments when you won’t want to compromise and have him take you your way…
As long as you are both careful not to sacrifice yourself you’ll be just fine.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 1:35 pm
oh i’m pretty sure we all do it! my hubby has a distaste for dresses, curly hair, and ruffles… i definitely don’t do those things very often as a result! i mean, who cares if i think i look like a hottie in something if the person i’m trying to impress feels indifferent!!
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 1:45 pm
I will compromise with my boy to a certain extent. I know he HATES empire waisted shirts (to him they will always be maternity shirts) but I still love them. I just tend to wear them when I’m going out with friends and not going on a date with him. But, when I found an empire waisted lace dress that was BEAUTIFUL? Yep, still bought it and mos tlikely where it out with him whenever I get a chance to dress up!
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 2:03 pm
My husband doesnt like red lipstick either:) I loved this post because I can relate to it. Its not that he wouldnt ALLOW us to wear them he would prefer us not to, and so in their presence we try not to…simple as that. Compromise is a wonderful thing in a marriage:)
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 2:32 pm
While I know this might just be one little thing, I would recommend you take a look at some of the books that Dr. Harriet B. Braiker published, just to take another point of view into consideration.
I say this as a former “people pleaser” whose previous relationship relied heavily on this myth that replacing my wants with that of my partner’s was a compromise.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 3:22 pm
I’ll admit I am incredibly lucky with my husband in that we have generally the same tastes. But my best friends husband is the pickiest man alive. He seems to live life with more of a white list -things he’ll only eat, do, wear- as opposed to a black list -a handful of things he won’t eat.
Sometimes I have no idea how she puts up with it, and it sure does get to her when he refuses to travel for any reason (let’s just say she showed up alone to my wedding) or he refuses to try anything new or different for dinner just because it’s different. If I was left alone with that for a week someone would probably wind up in the wood chipper.
I guess we all have varying levels of compromise and it’s one of those things to figure out early during a relationship. No one ever wants to totally lose themselves but you still want to be able to have a nice peaceful day.
And I like to do a lot of my girly weird/ guys just don’t get it things when he’s gone or otherwise occupied (videogames can be wonderful for that) too. He can’t stand watching a woman put on makeup. I think it’s the eyelash curlers, just scare the crap out of him.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 4:43 pm
I agree with Kalen. I have outfits that the Mr. doesn’t 100% love, but you know what? So does he. He knew that I loved these things when we got together. Sure, some of my tastes might be silly, out-there or whatever, but it’s who I am.
I totally agree that marriage and relationships are about compromise, but, for me, that means decisions about money, time and other big things. Well, compromise can even come in the form of little things like what movie to watch. But any which way you slice it, I don’t see my appearance as something that’s up for discussion. I am who I am, ya know?
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 4:45 pm
my sweet husband is always telling me how cute i look and which outfits he likes best and then asking me to pick out the tie that looks best with his slacks…he’s great.
however, he’s only a few inches taller than me, so i’ve stopped wearing heels most of the time. he doesn’t complain when i do, but i know he feels weird when his wife is suddenly taller than him…so i only throw ‘em on every now and then. and 99% of the time i prefer flats anyway. so it all works out.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 6:41 pm
I have fuchsia tights that i ♥
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 6:56 pm
i think it’s interesting that some people equate changing the way you dress with a topic as far-reaching as compromise in a marriage.
and if you don’t think it’s traditional to dress a certain way to please your husband, then i need to point you to some feminist/modern literature because peeps… that is traditional as hell.
that being said, i’m also pretty traditional
but that’s a whole different topic, probably for my own blog.<3
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 7:03 pm
Your hair is so cute Jen!! I want mine to look like that sometime!
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 8:45 pm
For our second (or third?) Christmas together as a couple, my boyfriend (now husband) gave me a little box with his earrings inside, along with a promise to never wear them again. He knew I hated them with a passion. It was the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received because it showed how intensely he cared.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 10:47 pm
(giggling) It’s not like you were single that long ago! You make it sounds like eons! How cute.
Honestly, I think any guy wouldn’t like something they aren’t accustomed to. I bet your hubby will get warmed up to different things once he sees how it makes you feel and glow.
I try my best to vary up my wardrobe. Sometimes I fail and my fiance is like ‘try again’, and other times it’s him who picks something off the wall and it totally works!
Men are funny like that…
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 11:06 pm
Ummm wow. I did not expect this response to this post, but I must say I am pleasantly surprised. Honestly, this is where I would like this blog to go, in terms of stimulating discussion that includes multiple viewpoints.
Janssen-There are several things I have already vetoed. It felt SOOO good.
Ethidium-I think that is the key, focusing on the fact that you have things he does like, instead of focusing on the things he doesn’t. Obviously I have things that TH doesn’t love and still wear them, but I wrote this post to suggest that I am willing to put those things away in order to please him.
Kalen-I like that you have the ability to see others viewpoint as well as your own. It’s something I really struggle with, especially since I grew up in a rather conservatie community and spent all of my college years in the heart of mormon territory in Utah.
msloaf-Exactly! It’s not like he is saying “I want you to appear boring and drab to the outside world because I am controlling.” In many ways his beliefs about appearance make up who he is. I knew that about him when I married him and I respect that.
Bean-Well no one should do that. Ever. It’s not allowed in our house either. Neither is just wearing socks and underwear.
Cecy-I think you have a good point. We still have a long ways to go as far as establishing who we are in our relationship. My dad is rather conservative like TH and my mom wears some pretty outrageous stuff sometimes (zebra print and such). I think she’s learned when it’s okay to be flamboyant and when it isn’t.
Ashley-Dresses, curly hair, and ruffles? Oh my! I love those things!
Julienne-TH is convinced that empire waisted shirts are despised by all men on the planet. I’ve practically eliminated them from my wardrobe because he doesn’t like them so much. I can get around it by wearing empire waisted dresses though. Those, he doesn’t have as much of an opinion on AND sometimes a girl needs to feel like her tummy isn’t hanging out that day.
Samantha-I don’t believe I am a people pleaser, but then again I think that is something most people pleasers would say about themselves! I’ll take the recommendation into consideration.
Shay Shay-Thanks! It’s a new hairstyle I’ve been trying out lately. If only I could get it to stay in….
Kasia-That story makes me so happy. That’s real love I think.
Reply
January 14th, 2009 on 11:23 pm
cute post. I think my husband and I have encouraged each other’s style. And we both like to wear things that the other one likes. There are things that I love to wear that he’s not such a big fan of and even though I still wear them, I would rather wear the things that he loves on me. There are only two people I dress for, myself and my husband. I could care less if anyone else looked at me.
oh and cute hairstyle, for my lookbook going up tomorrow, my hair is very similar!
Reply
January 15th, 2009 on 3:28 am
I agree that it makes sense to not wear things your husband particularly doesn’t like when you’re spending time with him. Just be careful, because sometimes people try so hard to be what they think their partner wants, they lose sight of the person their partner fell in love with in the first place. And remember, you don’t have to like everything about each other!
Reply
January 15th, 2009 on 8:03 am
What’s wrong with purple tights? Or your hair? Very Nice.
Reply
January 15th, 2009 on 2:33 pm
I’m wearing an outfit just for me today, because I won’t be seeing Ryan due to school. I know he wouldn’t love it (green tank top tunic over a white long sleeve tshirt with a yellow scarf) but it makes me feel nice, for today. We listen to our men often, I think it’s wonderful you’ve dressed just for you! Also, love those tights
Reply
January 15th, 2009 on 8:36 pm
My thoughts are with you!
I feel the same way when Chris is away on business. I enjoy having some time to myself, to do what I want! It can be fun. But when he’s gone week after week after week, like he is on this project, it’s hard. I’m sad. It’s different if I know it’s just for a couple days, or a week. But when it’s a week, fly back for a day and a half, and then out again…. over and over… it gets tough.
Hang in there!
Email me if you ever get really lonely or want another lonely wife to commiserate with…
Reply