I may be openly opinionated concerning my views on birth here on That Wife but those who encounter me in the real world, such as the ladies at church or my friends and family, will find that I volunteer very few details about my pregnancy and birth unless pressed to do so.


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Why? Because for the most part people don’t want to hear about my plans. For most people I know birth outside the hospital is unknown territory and it scares them. I have had successful experiences in communicating my intentions and reasoning behind them with some, including my maternal grandmother who may not believe in what I am doing but does acknowledge that I don’t seem to be making this decision lightly. For others though, nothing I say is ever going to help them understand. To understand this choice it’s necessary to examine the issues on a macro level, not a micro one, but it’s impossible for most women to remove personal experiences from their analysis of what constitutes a good decision.  Most mothers seem to have one reason or another where medical intervention was absolutely necessary, be it in the form of extra ultrasounds, bleeding after birth, necessary c-sections because of poorly positioned babies, or the use of instruments (such as forceps or vacuum) to help the baby out. Statistics don’t help when experiences like that have been endured.

At the gathering of my maternal side of the family the birth came up but instead of the criticism I was expecting I found a little bit of excitement. An aunt of mine has no interest in home birth for herself, but told me she has always wanted to know someone who had one. My great-grandma wanted to know if I am planning on using a doula because she just read a novel that involved one. I was pleased with how the conversation went and hoped that it might help family members feel a bit more comfortable with my decision when baby decides to come.

I was very happy to hear from my mom that birth was being declared “off the table” at the other sides family gathering. A few of these relatives are rather opinionated and I didn’t want Christmas to turn into a birth fight (don’t we already have enough to fight about at Christmas without adding birth and babies to the mix?). I held true to the agreement, although others couldn’t seem to resist bringing it up. I tried to keep things light and did my best to move on as I that wasn’t the place or time to get into a serious conversation on the subject.

Unfortunately certain relatives weren’t ready to let things go. My mom rushed over to me with laptop in hand (I had lent it out so an aunt could look at some pictures I had taken of her daughters) and told me she thought I should take it before the following was published here on That Wife on Christmas day (never mind that I find it laughable that readers would even for a moment think my writing sounds anything like what you will find below). When I read what was written I laughed it off (remember, I was trying to be good and keep the holidays light and happy) but inside I was burning with anger, sadness, and frustration.

I have seen the light…

after a thoughtful trip home for Christmas I have decided that I’ve been foolish and crazy and I’m going to have my baby safely in a hospital…YUP you heard it here first!  I realized that the purpose of the hospital is to guarantee that my baby is going to get the best opportunity for a safe delivery and how that affects me doesn’t matter as I’m going to be a mom now and put my babys safety first.   thanks to my wonderful family for their support through this tough time for me, I’m excited to be a mom and have this addition to our family…that mom

To this relative, and to many others, my decision to birth outside the hospital reeks of immaturity, irrationality, and stupidity. They’ve had babies so they know, I haven’t so I don’t. Nevermind that I can talk for hours about topics such as epidurals, episiotomies, forceps, c-sections, pitocin, oxytocin, cytotec, gestational diabetes, pre-ecclampsia, shoulder dystocia, breech birthing techniques, VBAC, meconium in the amniotic fluid, premature rupture of membranes, and many others. Could they?

I know what all of those things are and some of the risks and advantages associated with them not because I had a baby, but because I decided to take charge of my own birthing experience. Educating myself has become a priority and I take it very seriously.The overwhelming mindset of women around me seems to be that you can’t possibly know anything about birth until you actually experience it, and are thus unequipped to make wise decisions concerning the birth of my child. My favorite response to this mindset has been expressed by many other natural birth advocates before me: If experience is necessary to make one informed on a topic, male obstetricians certainly have no place delivery babies. Childless female obstetricians as well for that matter.

Happily, we don’t choose our doctors based on who has given birth. We choose them based on their experience, and the time they have devoted to learning about their trade and increasing their skills. A first year medical student doesn’t know as much as a third year, and a recent graduate still has years to go before they know as much as the man who recently retired from practicing. But we acknowledge that because of study and time the graduate at least knows something, and we respect him because of the effort he has put forth. I will never know as much as an OB, or a midwife, or any other experienced birth attendant, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also fall into the category of a person who knows something. And I do know something. A lot more than something actually.

And so dear friends and family who criticize me because of my decision, I urge you to take the time to sit down face-to-face (or we can do it through email) and have an intelligent discussion with me. Let’s attempt to learn from each other, and find a way to foster mutual respect. Laughing at me behind my back though, only displays ignorance and fear. And it makes me cry.

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