Jenna asked me to guest blog for her and OMG I am beyond excited. But before we go any further, I should warn you: my writing style is very different from Jenna’s and I tend to throw all common descency out the window. I’ll try to limit my foul language for everyone =)
Today we are going to talk about your vagina. HELLO!
When I was pregnant, I didn’t read about any of this in those stupid “What to Expect….” books, so I’m here today to talk about it so you wont have to hear it from your friends.
This is just one of many new bodily functions you will experience in the days after you give birth. Now, this is how it usually goes for regular/normal vaginal hospital births in the US, so sorry C-section and home birth/water birth friends. Can’t help you, cause I have no freaking idea what the heck happened during your birth in the tub or afterwards when it was time for you to make poo. All of this can also probably be attributed to my episiotomy (where they cut your woo-woo to get your baby’s big head out of your ginatown), because I’m serious when I tell you I felt the doctor slice my big girl area.
Almost immediately after you give birth- and deliver placenta, get stitched back up- you are transferred from your labor/delivery room to a recovery room. I was lucky enough to get a private recovery room thanks to my insurance carrier, but I really REALLY feel for those of you who were not so fortunate. And to the ladies that haven’t had their babies yet (and you non-preggos too), I seriously recommend finding out a) if your insurance pays for a private room and b) how much extra it will cost you to get a private room. TIP: If your insurance only pays for semi-private (read: shared), find a hospital that only has private rooms and give birth there. Your insurance will have no choice but to pay. SUCK IT, HEALTHCARE!
You might be wondering why the whole private room thing is a big deal anyways if you’re just gonna be in there to sleep and recover. HAHA, I say to you! You must not be familiar with something I like to refer to as “burning, bleeding vagina because you just squeezed a watermelon out of a keyhole syndrome.”
After you move to your recovery room, you’re basically laid up in your bed bleeding buckets and getting your diaper changed every couple of hours. Not only does the nurse change your diaper , but she is required to write down your bowl movements on your chart. THE CHART IS ON THE WALL for everyone’s viewing pleasure. You have a diaper on because you’re bleeding and its VERY very difficult to walk your ass 3 feet to the bathroom to do it yourself. If you are able to walk to the toilet (in your room, hopefully), you have to unhook yourself from the machines or drag them with you, hold your gown shut while simultaneously trying to hold your vagina in place because the damn thing is literally about to fall off, and then figure out how you are supposed to get up from the toilet once you’re done. You’ll most likely be doing this in front of all of your relatives and well wishers who just. wont. leave. The diapers are good, man. You just lay there while the nurse does it.
My hospital required my nurse to go to the bathroom with me and monitor my bowel movements. TWO MAIN REASONS TO GET PRIVATE ROOM!!! Very humiliating. I can’t imagine sharing a room with someone while that’s going on…curtain separator thingy or not…no thanks. Plus, I do not share a bathroom. At home, hubby and I have separate bathrooms. Can. Not. Share.
The nurse helped me to the toilet (which was in my room) where she showed me how to clean myself. Here’s where the goodies (and a photo tour!) come in.
This is your diaper. What the hell kind of panties will these fit into? Uh- the big gauzey ones from the hospital, that’s what kind. Make sure you steal ALL of these from your goodie closet in your room. Also remember to steal the extra sets of big, gauzy undies. You’ll thank me later when you’re at home and don’t have to figure out how to stuff one of these into your VS boy shorts. I went through about 4 of these per day, if that tells you anything.
That brings me to these: Bed liners. You should also make sure these get stolen from your room. My husband made me sleep on these for a good 2 weeks so I wouldn’t get our white sheets dirty. He also made me sleep on a plastic bed liner when I was pregnant in case my water broke at night…but that’s another story for another time with a very horrifying ending.
When you do go to the bathroom, you need these items: a squirt bottle, hemorrhoid pads (I recommend Tucks or the generic version from Target), and Dermoplast. I know what you’re thinking….hemorrhoids? I wont get those. HAHAHAHA. You are stupid. You need to listen to theOMGmom and get these pads. Even if you don’t get hemorrhoid’s, your lady bits are going to be swollen from pushing out a human and/or the episiotomy (or from tearing naturally without the epi) and these nice little medicated pads will make you feel nice. They sort of cool you off down there and make you a little numb. And honestly, you will want to be numb. The hospital supplied us with one box of Tucks, but I made hubby go ask for 3 more boxes. I went through all 4 boxes in 2 weeks and had to get more. Also in the photo is a bag of thick maxi-pads, like the kind you wore when you were 13. After a week (give or take) you’ll stop bleeding so much and will no longer need the diaper. Don’t be an idiot and think “I can’t wear kotex! I’ll just buy tampons.” Are you serious? You wanna put a stick up there? *****Shudder….*****
So the steps are: Walk to potty
Sit on potty
Go potty, use TP
Squirt yourself with warm water from squirt bottle (i just used warm water from the sink, use entire bottle)
Pat yourself with Tucks pads
Put 2 tucks pads inside diaper so that they are sitting in there cooling you off for a while- place them accordingly….(sorry! I know! But you need to know what you’re in for, ok?)
Spray your lady bits with Dermoplast. Go ahead and give yourself a good spray so you’re nice and numb.
Pull up big gauzy panties, keeping those Tucks pads in place
Continue to be humiliated
Bathroom time is not fun for a while, but it gets easier. Please remember what I told you about stealing stuff from the hospital. You won’t want to hobble it over to Target for adult diapers, squirt bottles, hemorrhoid pads, crotch spray and bed liners post delivery. For starters, you cant go to Target- you wont be able to. Also, they don’t sell the liners or the hospital diapers and it’s not so much fun trying to explain to your dad exactly which hemrorrhoid pads to get for you. Plus, how embarrassing would it be to put that stuff on the counter to pay?
My husband and I are the king and queen of free stuff. We stole everything from the hospital that wasn’t bolted down! There really is a goodie closet that is filled with personal hygiene stuff just for you, so its not exactly stealing. We left with a box filled with toothpaste, kleenex boxes, all of the stuff mentioned above, toilet paper, shampoo, soap, hand sanitizer….everything. In addition, the hospital gives you a box of newborn diapers and wipes as a free gift- which is bullshit. ONE box of diapers and wipes? My husband, dad, step-mom and MIL all asked different nurses for a box of diapers and we ended up leaving there with 7 boxes. SCORE. We also took the big blue bulb boogie snatcher, baby comb, and a months worth of Enfamil pre-made bottles. TAKE EVERYTHING FROM THE HOSPITAL. Even if you dont plan on using formula or disposable diapers, take it. You can always send it to me. I’ll use it for sure.
Still not convinced that we’re cheap? Did I tell you that the hubs wore his scrubs (our friend Jared is a doctor and gave him some scrubs) to the hospital when I was giving birth? Oh yes. Not only did he look cool, but he also got a discount in the cafeteria.
So there you have it. I’m so glad I’m past the ouchy-in-the-bathroom stage and I hope you can learn something from this post. The bottom line is: potty time no fun, very embarrassing to get diaper changed and poo in front of nurse, get a private room and take everything you can from hospital.
Oh, by the way, nice to meet everyone! If you are interested in reading more about the real stuff that happens during/after pregnancy, including peeing your pants in public, getting drunk at a baby shower when I was 9 months pregnant and what it’s really like to have date night with a newborn, visit my blog.