filed in Parenting
I loved this article. That is the kind of parent I want to be.
My favorite paragraph:
It [the Bible] doesn’t say for us to coddle a child and let them remain a child for as long as possible. It states for us to RAISE them UP in the way that they should go. I am not saying that children cannot play, have fun, climb trees and show kid-isms, I am saying that we should not try to keep them childlike for as long as possible.
I'm a mid-twenties SAHM/part-time photographer currently living in Chicago. My husband is from Poland, my son was born in April of 2010, and I'm LDS. I write frequently about parenting, adventures in the kitchen, my faith, and photography. I post daily because I love checking my inbox for new comments, so please take a moment to say hello!
You can also find me over at Jenna Cole, my photography site. If you like to smile and laugh then I would love to take your picture!
September 12th, 2011 on 8:53 am
Yes, yes, yes!!! I read the article and agree completely. I’m a few years older than my step siblings and our upbringing was/is very different. Where I learned that you sometimes have to do things just because and that there is pride and accomplishment in simply doing things even without recognition or reward, they tend to balk at doing anything that doesn’t directly benefit them in a material way. They are very thoughtless and selfish. I want my son to be able to fully enjoy his childhood in every way, but that definitely does not mean not having responsibility, being given everything he wants, or doing things for him.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 9:09 am
Not my style of parenting, at all. I believe that you can raise children very gently, and that they will still have a strong work ethic and great values. What matters most is that you are strong and convinced and loving, not chores per se.
Reply
Ellie Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
My parents were really bad about making me do chores or behave in public places, but they loved me, respected me, and gave me a lot of room to fail. I still learned that I am responsible for my actions, that I must communicate with others, that I must treat people with respect, that I should not feel or act entitled to anything I haven’t earned. I have a healthy work ethic and a strong sense of loyalty. I think that respecting your children and treating them like adults goes a lot further than heavy handed discipline.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 10:14 am
I love this. I feel like my parents stroked my ego enough to build my confidence, but at the same time, they didn’t give me everything I wanted and allowed me to make my own decisions/mistakes. It really bothers me when caregivers are helicopters because really — it’s okay for your child to not get what they want, for them to cry, be uncomfortable or be upset. It’s okay for them to make poor decisions — that’s how they learn, AND that’s why you’re a parent, so you can help them learn from their good and poor decisions.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 11:24 am
I find it difficult to reconcile that perspective with your previous statements about how you don’t consume media that you wouldn’t want your children watching.
Reply
Lindsey Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I don’t see how her setting a good example in terms of media consumption has anything to do with not coddling her children. Maybe you could elaborate further what you mean?
Reply
Marissa C Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Wasn’t sure what you meant either.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 11:45 am
While I agree with some of the jist of the article, I find the “millenial” argument is getting really old and is probably over analyzed. Stereotypes just don’t ever really work, especially when they encompass an entire generation. In the workplace, where it is supposed to be very pronounced, it often doesn’t seem to be a huge issue at all. I’d be curious to see what TH thinks of this.
Sometimes I just think there is a huge disconnect between those who study these things and those who live them out on a daily basis.
Reply
Gogo Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 5:22 pm
The millenial thing bothers me too. That’s my generation, I think, and none of that stuff applies to me or to a lot of people I know. Of course, it does apply to some. But the whole analysis seems pretty classist and that’s probably it’s biggest failing in my mind. Like this is the behavior of some upper-middle class kids we see at certain universities – so that’s a good cross-section of the whole group!
Reply
Jackie Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 8:38 pm
I agree! I wrote about this today.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 12:12 pm
Let me just say, working as a professor at an elite college, I can tell you that the millennial stereotype, is in face, true.
and this is coming from a fellow millennial.
Reply
Andrea Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Agreed. All my work is done with undergraduate students and I have seen a huge swing in this direction as well. It is, rather annoyingly, also evidenced by the number of helicopter parents who call me on a daily basis about their university-age sons and daughters. When I speak to parents it immediately becomes very clear why their children are the way they are.
Reply
Turtle Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 7:34 pm
I don’t know where you two work, but I have to agree with Gogo above about the class difference in these generalizations. I went to an upper middle class university that was full of these kinds of students, but now I teach at an urban state school where most of the students are first-generation college students from lower-middle class or working class backgrounds. My students are, if anything, under entitled–I wish I had a little more whining and demanding from them because I know with e kind of people with whom they’ll have to compete. I wish that they had some more of the support system from parents and older relatives that the students I graduated with have. Most of them are working 30 hours a week and keeping up with a full course load. The arguments about “millenials” that I’ve read (there was one similar to this in the Atlantic a few months ago) definitely seem to come from upper middle class writers writing about the limited segment of the population they know.
Reply
Jackie Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Eh, I don’t know. I really haven’t seen it to be true at all in my universities/workplace/social life.
Reply
Mojito Maven Reply:
September 13th, 2011 at 10:06 am
I’m glad you haven’t seen it. But sadly, I have. I have parents calling me, emailing me, stopping by my office to talk a out why their 22-yr-old son has a C in my class. Well maybe if he CAME to class he wouldn’t have a C. His mother asked if she “could collect extra credit for him.” UM NO.
This is just one story of many.
Reply
Kristin Reply:
September 13th, 2011 at 11:50 am
I taught for a few years at a university mostly filled with upper middle class kids, and I have to agree that this is the case for many of the students I dealt with. I also worked on campus as a Teaching Assistant and at the International Study Programs office (read: kids going on study abroad/ international internships) during my undergrad years, and in all of these positions I noticed that students didn’t want to put in effort (not all students were this way, but most) yet would fight me tooth and nail when things didn’t go their way.
I had a student come to my office hours and literally, no exaggeration here, yell at me for “giving” him a B in the class I taught. He wanted it changed because he lost his scholarship. No, the fact that he did poorly on the final, did not complete many assignments, or do regular homework and attend class did not matter. It mattered that I “gave” him a B. He went right up the chain of command to the dean, all the while complaining to everyone (ie my supervisors, other teachers, etc.)
I also had students leave class early to go do things (go out to eat, talk on the phone etc), yet balked when I told them that their attendance would be void if they did so. It “wasn’t fair”.
I had parents of people in their early and mid 20′s call me at my ISP job wanting to know why their child wasn’t being allowed to go to countries like the Ivory Coast, The DRC, East Timor, and other volatile countries with huge issues with Americans and political/social turmoil. They didn’t listen to the security reasons, or bother to read the state department literature we would send their way, it was more “why can’t my kid do what they want? But they *want* to go, why can’t they?” When the answer “no” came along in any of these jobs, I found students ran quickly to mommy and daddy to smooth things over. They couldn’t take no for an answer.
Dealing with students like that, and people my age who act this way in general, is annoying to no end. I side with Jenna on this one, and my child and future children will understand what “no” means, how to deal with disappointment and rejection in a healthy way, and how to be resilient instead of entitled. That way when they are out of my home I know they aren’t pestering university professors, trying to manipulate everything and bend rules to suit their tastes, and calling me to fix their “uh-ohs” and “oh-nos”.
Reply
Mojito Maven Reply:
September 13th, 2011 at 1:37 pm
I agree with you 100%. And I know exactly how you feel. Many of my students just don’t want to put in the effort.
and also, ditto on the “gave me a grade.” UM NO, you “earned” that grade!
Reply
Mojito Maven Reply:
September 14th, 2011 at 8:39 am
also, about the student who complained about you “giving him a B,” when he went up the chain of command, what did the dean say? I hope he told him, “tough sh*&.”
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 12:55 pm
This is so true. I have two bonus sons, one who’s mother does more of the parenting and the other who is mainly patented by my husband and I. We have joint custody and they spend equal time with both parents but they each seem to gravitate toward one parent. The mother is a total helicopter parent who does everything for our younger son. Our older son likes the independence that his father and I are trying to foster in him. Two different parenting styles that clash when we try to instill an independent attitude in our other son.
I’ve seen worse. Our friend’s son’s best friend was sixteen and couldn’t use a microwave because his parents did everything for him. His mother still gets a hotel room twice a month in his college town four hours away just to do his laundry.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 3:06 pm
This article seems like the extreme to me…and that mom example in the above comment who goes and does her college child’s laundry seems like the extreme…So i guess this article seemed to be the extreme and I like to think I fall somewhere in the healthy middle.
Reply
Cinderelly Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 3:26 pm
I believe most parents do fall in the middle. The point of the article is to show the growing trend of parents who hover.
Yes, that is an extreme. I think I’ve just said it to show that most people know someone who takes it too far.
On the other hand, I don’t see much about parents who do just the minimum when they parent. Not abuse or neglect, just parents who seem to be fine with letting their children figure things out on their own with no parental assistance.
Especially in adolescence, parents should encourage independent thinking and actions but be on hand to offer guidance and support. I really am a big believer that parenting should work on a scale. You start out with complete care and start working towards fostering independence as they get older with the end result being an adult who is confident and able to live on their own.
Sorry for the long comment.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 3:29 pm
I get the idea of this, but can’t help but feel a little sad! I missed a lot of my childhood because I was busy being adult-like and taking care of my mom (and sometimes dad) emotionally. My mom tried her best, but I missed out on a lot of teenager and childhood things.. and dealt with things beyond my knowledge that really leave you feeling resentful as a child!
I think the saying is true, but hope that many don’t take it too far.
Reply
September 12th, 2011 on 5:59 pm
“Consider this, their generation saw the government fall from it’s pedestal in a way never publicized before (Clinton), the judicious system failed in the public eye (OJ Simpson), terrorism came home…”.
Eh, I’m sorry, as a tangent I take issue with this- a LOT. Nixon was a pretty huge terrible lapse in faith in public office, not to mention things like, oh, I don’t know, the horrible revelations of CIA activities via the Church Committee. The O.J. thing is a big reach (to me, personally), but even so, it’s not like judicial scandals or disagreements with trial verdicts were unheard of. Yes, the Oklahoma City bombing was scary and terrible, but, um, Pearl Harbor happened too, the Great Depression was pretty huge too, lynchings, Jim Crow, Japanese internment camps…etc. etc.
I see where she’s coming from about the general idea and I do agree that children are far too coddled, but the fact that she chose to give those as examples- and hold them up as somehow so terribly damaging/impacting, more than many other pretty terrible things- makes me question her motives/perspective. I fail to see what they have to do with anything.
Seriously. Google the Church Committee and read about how we assassinated Democratically elected African leaders in the 60′s. People were hearing this stuff on the regular, on the news, and were turned upside down by it. I think that is at least as bad as finding out your President had an extra-marital affair and lied about it. I mean, I’d hope most people would find the former to be far worse…
Anyway, I know it’s a super tangent, but that just stuck in my craw and annoyed me. Rant over
Reply
Jackie Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 8:40 pm
The thing I thought that was odd about that statement was wouldn’t you say Sept. 11th was a much bigger influence that the OKC bombing?
Reply
Sophia Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Agreed! I thought that as well.
Reply
September 13th, 2011 on 9:52 am
I agree with this article.
My children are expected to adhere to behavioral standards that I think some believe are “strict”. But to me, I am raising a human being, a future adult. As an adult, you are not allowed to run through the store crying and screaming, so why would anyone allow a child to create a habit of his behavior? That is a small example of how some parents don’t see the longevity of what they are attempting to do. They are wanting to soothe a tantrum right that minute with means that only create bad habits, often times not having the foresight that they are creating a bad parenting style.
I also don’t agree with that, “To each their own” statement about parenting. Sorry to say, there are bad parents and there is bad parenting. I cringe sometimes at the behaviors that some parents allow their children to do because I think, “Great..now my kid has to grow up with them or deal with them in their life.”
I also take my father’s philosophy about raising children and life: There are losers and winners. Not everyone should win, and not everyone does win. I hate when there are contests and a child is only allowed to win once. In the real world, the best (99%) will always win. Why aren’t we teaching our children this and why aren’t we helping them improve themselves instead of settling for a default win?!
I don’t get it. It personally would offend me if I won because the person who produced the best product only lost because they had won before. So why do we think doing this to children is any better?
I expect excellence for my child. To me this means, excellence in the capacity of their ability. If I know my child can earn an A in a class, I expect an A. If I know my child is capable of sitting still during dinner, I expect that. If my child has a learning difficulty and struggles with certain things, I expect them to do the best within their circumstances.
I think as a society we have let our expectations of our children dwindle to almost nothing. Oh Billy, you got a D? Well, that’s okay just do better next time. I’m more like- No Billy, a D isn’t good enough I know you can do better lets explore what happened and create a plan.
Reply