Every so often a post fails so spectacularly that it makes more sense to address it in a separate post than try to wade into the comments section. The My Arena post was one of those. I frequently have issues with tone, and I read that one out loud to myself several times in an attempt to target that, but it’s a blind spot that I need to keep working on.
Let me try to clarify: I found a strategy for coping with the large volume of feedback that is communicated to me through various channels. This involves relying on people I have formed relationships with. Previously I was attempting to take in everything and I was overwhelmed, and sometimes sad. I wanted to share that strategy with others who might be struggling to handle harsh comments or process feedback as well. Ironically, I wrote a post about relying on the feedback of those close to me to help me make better decisions, but I didn’t run the post past that very circle. Following my own strategy more closely would have helped prevent this mess in the first place.
Learning about the viewpoints and experiences of other people is one of my favorite things. I listen to a lot of podcasts because the format allows a variety of opinions to be shared. Trying to understand other people has changed me into a different person, and I couldn’t be happier about that change. But I need a method to help me process the opinions offered about choices in life (remember how I used to have a centralized source for this sort of thing?) and My Arena is the best I’ve come up with so far.
Your comments made me realize that we are viewing the situation through a very different lens, because I’ve been screening the information submitted that doesn’t deserve a platform. All comments with new usernames or email addresses get put into moderation automatically, and I have a filter set up to automatically moderate any comment with foul language. The comments I’m moderating look like this:
(click to enlarge, the worst language has been partially censored)
These are the people jeering in the stands, and it is them I am attempting to ignore. When I said “Those people, and their feedback, do not matter to me. The only power I have over them is to deny them any power over me,” that is who I was referring to. How could you know that though, since I make sure they are never visible in my comment section? Something gave me the idea that I’m never supposed to let all of you know this is happening behind the scenes, and this post is the first time that I’m challenging that idea.
My Arena brought up something that I have obviously forgotten over my blogging lull – I need to focus on responding to comments made by people who have shown a commitment to sharing their thoughts with me in a respectful manner. That’s my target audience. It’s a fair approach and leads to a stronger relationship over time. I should not respond to comments that irritate me when I’m feeling snippy, even though it makes me feel better in the moment. I also need to stop responding to comments in the same period that I moderate comments. When I delete a disgusting comment and then immediately respond to another my tone often reflects the way I feel about the deleted one, which comes across as hostile. Adding in a time buffer will help me address that.
As I work through this experience I’m working hard to remember that I’m human and will make mistakes, and worse than making a mistake is denying the lesson they can teach. I’m not going to let shame prevent me from admitting my faults and working to address them. I wanted to address some misconceptions that I admit I caused or exacerbated with my last post:
- I do care that you are here and that you read.
- I appreciate and value 95% of those who read and especially people who take the time to converse with me.
- I don’t mind when people don’t agree with me, and I know you have seen the changes some of opposing viewpoints have had in my life. It may not always seem like I consider them, but I do, sometimes over multiple discussions or a period of time.
- I struggle to know how to handle people who have preconceived ideas about me and use my writing to find evidence that prove their assumptions. I know we all do this as humans, but I have a hard time dealing with people who are mean or snarky. I am working on this.
In fact, I am working with a mentor to have some difficult conversations and develop a plan to address these issues so I can present well-written posts that invite fascinating discussion (that is my overarching goal, after all). I’m not ready to share details yet, but I wanted you to know that I’m glad you’re here and ask for your patience as I work through the things I’m hearing from you.
While proofreading and editing this post I realized that there are probably going to be a lot of comments asking why I continue to write if I’m getting such virulent blowback. I write here because I enjoy the process. I stay in the game because it makes me a better person. I blog because I like meeting new people. I don’t give up because I want to believe that I can push through this and become better.
Interesting side note: I thought bolding a sentence added emphasis, but TH said it is likely interpreted as “Jenna yelling at her audience.” Noted.