Archives for ‘blog’

Response: My Arena (redux)

February 15, 2014 By: Jenna Category: blog

As promised, a post addressing some of the common themes I saw running through the My Arena (redux) post. Written on a relaxed evening when the house is quiet, the kids are sleeping, and I feel confident that I can respond without reacting defensively. I’m hoping this will be a positive addition to my blogging routine that will ease my anxiety levels when there are lots of comments to respond to.

Stephanie Phillips Reply:
January 13th, 2014 at 9:33 am

I’m going to have to argue with you- you have deleted MY comment and I certainly wasn’t trolling you. I’ve engaged with you in past comment threads and I’ve been reading you since I clicked your link on the sidebar of OMGMom.

I’d commented on a post where you made a comment about T1 that made me uncomfortable as a parent and I (very nicely!) said that you should consider your words. You let it go live, let somebody reply to it, and then you deleted it because I wasn’t playing by your rules.

Moderating comments has become a lot more difficult over time. I think that’s a combination of a change in my readership and my particular skill-set in this area. I asked That Husband to help me moderate the comments for My Arena (redux) and I felt a bit vindicated when he left a few comments in moderation and had a quick discussion with me about which comments should be approved. At the risk of being melodramatic, I’ll admit that I approach comment moderation with an eye for grenades. The grenades in my comment section are word or phrases that can set off an unintended effect that may further negative stereotypes or assumptions about me. On the internet, you can’t take things back (brand new information, I know!*), but a writer can minimize further damage by taking control of their own space. Sometimes I delete an entire comment if I am worried about possible negative effects down the line.

Stephanie your comment found above, and those similar to it, helped me think about the other side of the coin and how it would feel to devote time and energy to a conversation where the moderator rebuffs you through no fault of your own. Do readers have any suggestions for me?

Steph says:
January 13, 2014 at 8:20 pm

[excerpt] Young House Love does this (responding to up to 500 comments/day). I only comment once in a while, but I will admit I have been a little disappointed when I have left what I thought was a very thoughtful comment and it received no response, but later saw you spent several comment threads interacting with detractors. I feel like I’m a supporter but I’ve received far less interaction in the past than those “jeering” . It does encourage disengagement.

I hadn’t heard of their approach until now, and I’m very impressed! I think it dilutes the meaning of each individual comment, but overall it demonstrates a significant commitment to readers. No wonder they have the following that they do. I think That Wife would have to be a lot more profitable for me to feel I can devote that much time to comments. Right now it’s more like a hobby that pays for my haircuts :).

Rebekah says:
January 13, 2014 at 7:43 am
Erf. Some people are the worst. Can you hire someone just to weed through the comments so that you don’t have to even see it? Sometimes it’s about removing the negativity completely, rather than hearing it and trying to cope.

Hiring someone to help me moderate comments would certainly solve a lot of my problems. I know I will sometimes read an unpleasant comment and then feel defensive, and that defensiveness lingers as I read the following comment. Hiring someone isn’t option (financially) right now, but maybe I will see some growth and that will work? I’d like to hire someone with a strong personality who will push back on my first instinct and force me to see where I have hackles up and where I have room to grow.

Lisa Reply:
January 13th, 2014 at 12:52 pm

I think the highest level point, about needing affirmation, and focus from others, is probably one well worth thinking about. For all bloggers it’s something we have to face up to and understand what it means or doesn’t mean to us.

This is a topic I feel I could dive into for days on end. Allow me to link, yet again, to a fabulous quote by Liene Stevens about needing approval from others. Over the past five years I have begun to see more clearly how my desire for validation and approval can hold me back if I don’t keep them in check. I’m working on that.

—–

What do you guys think? Should I continue with this approach when I can’t keep up with the comment section, or just get to what I can on the actual post?

 

*sarcasm

Audience Approach Adjustment

January 23, 2014 By: Jenna Category: blog

(I was really committed to the idea of alliteration with that title.)

The initial Arena post and the redux Arena post have led to lots of great conversations about what went wrong and how to fix it, and whether the vision I have for That Wife can ever come to fruition. If you look at the comment section of the redux post though, you’ll see that I haven’t spent very much time there. Initially I needed a break. And then the usual thing happened — the idea of responding to all of the comments became overwhelming, and so I read them all and then archived the notifications telling myself I would get to them another time.

I think you know where this is headed? “Another time” never comes. I’ve got a folder in my Gmail account labeled Respond, which has emails from April 2012 waiting for my attention. It makes me sad to think about the number of people wondering why I have never responded. That inability to keep up with people who mean something to me is an aspect of my actions and personality that I really dislike.

When it comes to interacting with readers of That Wife in the comment section, I’m going to make two changes.

T2 is skeptical that I can change. Have faith you guys! I think this is going to work.

1. Act, don’t react. Engage with readers who are furthering the conversation.

It has been pointed out to me several times over that when I wade into the comment section of a meaty post it’s often to defend myself to the people who are criticizing me (whether those comments are constructive or waste). I use up my time and energy on those commenters, and neglect everyone else. Engaging with readers who are putting forth productive criticism is an excellent opportunity for growth, but not if I’m reacting in a defensive way. When commenting from here on our I plan to think to myself “Am I acting or reacting? How is this comment helping me or the discussion?” Those who have invested in me and my writing deserve more from me.

2. Comment summary follow-up posts for posts with robust comment sections.

That Husband reads a site that takes comments on popular posts and highlights them in a separate post entirely. It’s a way for the authors to highlight the reader contributions that add to the conversation as a whole, and it’s a practice I would like to adopt as well. I’ll continue to dash off short comments on my iPhone on the posts that aren’t as hefty, but for those with an intense comment sections filled with a variety of thoughts I’m going to give myself some time to process and then write a summary post highlighting the comments and themes that stand out to me. I’m working on a post like that for the My Arena (redux) post now.

With changes like this readers will feel like their contributions are valued and appreciated (which is really important to me because they are, deeply so) and I will no longer have to feel anxiety or guilt about discussions that I prompted and then failed to engage with properly. I hope that these changes help all of us enjoy the experience here a lot more.

My Arena (redux)

January 13, 2014 By: Jenna Category: blog, Personal

Every so often a post fails so spectacularly that it makes more sense to address it in a separate post than try to wade into the comments section. The My Arena post was one of those. I frequently have issues with tone, and I read that one out loud to myself several times in an attempt to target that, but it’s a blind spot that I need to keep working on.

Let me try to clarify: I found a strategy for coping with the large volume of feedback that is communicated to me through various channels. This involves relying on people I have formed relationships with. Previously I was attempting to take in everything and I was overwhelmed, and sometimes sad. I wanted to share that strategy with others who might be struggling to handle harsh comments or process feedback as well. Ironically, I wrote a post about relying on the feedback of those close to me to help me make better decisions, but I didn’t run the post past that very circle. Following my own strategy more closely would have helped prevent this mess in the first place.

Learning about the viewpoints and experiences of other people is one of my favorite things. I listen to a lot of podcasts because the format allows a variety of opinions to be shared. Trying to understand other people has changed me into a different person, and I couldn’t be happier about that change. But I need a method to help me process the opinions offered about  choices in life (remember how I used to have a centralized source for this sort of thing?) and My Arena is the best I’ve come up with so far.

Your comments made me realize that we are viewing the situation through a very different lens, because I’ve been screening the information submitted that doesn’t deserve a platform. All comments with new usernames or email addresses get put into moderation automatically, and I have a filter set up to automatically moderate any comment with foul language. The comments I’m moderating look like this:

(click to enlarge, the worst language has been partially censored)

blogger harassment anti-feminist disgusting vile hatred comments trolls

These are the people jeering in the stands, and it is them I am attempting to ignore. When I said “Those people, and their feedback, do not matter to me. The only power I have over them is to deny them any power over me,” that is who I was referring to. How could you know that though, since I make sure they are never visible in my comment section? Something gave me the idea that I’m never supposed to let all of you know this is happening behind the scenes, and this post is the first time that I’m challenging that idea.

My Arena brought up something that I have obviously forgotten over my blogging lull – I need to focus on responding to comments made by people who have shown a commitment to sharing their thoughts with me in a respectful manner. That’s my target audience.  It’s a fair approach and leads to a stronger relationship over time. I should not respond to comments that irritate me when I’m feeling snippy, even though it makes me feel better in the moment. I also need to stop responding to comments in the same period that I moderate comments. When I delete a disgusting comment and then immediately respond to another my tone often reflects the way I feel about the deleted one, which comes across as hostile. Adding in a time buffer will help me address that.

As I work through this experience I’m working hard to remember that I’m human and will make mistakes, and worse than making a mistake is denying the lesson they can teach. I’m not going to let shame prevent me from admitting my faults and working to address them. I wanted to address some misconceptions that I admit I caused or exacerbated with my last post:

  • I do care that you are here and that you read.
  • I appreciate and value 95% of those who read and especially people who take the time to converse with me.
  • I don’t mind when people don’t agree with me, and I know you have seen the changes some of opposing viewpoints have had in my life. It may not always seem like I consider them, but I do, sometimes over multiple discussions or a period of time.
  • I struggle to know how to handle people who have preconceived ideas about me and use my writing to find evidence that prove their assumptions. I know we all do this as humans, but I have a hard time dealing with people who are mean or snarky. I am working on this.

In fact, I am working with a mentor to have some difficult conversations and develop a plan to address these issues so I can present well-written posts that invite fascinating discussion (that is my overarching goal, after all). I’m not ready to share details yet, but I wanted you to know that I’m glad you’re here and ask for your patience as I work through the things I’m hearing from you.

While proofreading and editing this post I realized that there are probably going to be a lot of comments asking why I continue to write if I’m getting such virulent blowback. I write here because I enjoy the process. I stay in the game because it makes me a better person. I blog because I like meeting new people. I don’t give up because I want to believe that I can push through this and become better.

Interesting side note: I thought bolding a sentence added emphasis, but TH said it is likely interpreted  as “Jenna yelling at her audience.” Noted.

HPJoy Palo Alto Video

November 22, 2013 By: Jenna Category: blog

HP contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in coming out to their #HPJoy event in Palo Alto to talk to a film crew about some of their products. I got up the courage to watch the video, and I look a little mad — or maybe intense? I wanted to do a good job! While being authentic! I’m going to make a carefree playlist of teeny-bop to listen to beforehand if a similar situation ever presents itself again.

I’ll tell you more about this experience soon, but for now here is the video they put together. T2 makes an appearance in it too!

**I have received two HP Chromebooks for my review and comments. One of those is to give to one of you!**

That Wife Facebook Page

June 06, 2013 By: Jenna Category: blog

I fly up to Washington early tomorrow morning! I am so glad all of the packing is over (well, my responsibilities are done, That Husband will spend the weekend finishing up) and I’m rewarding myself with a little computer break before I finish putting our luggage together for the flight.

I created a Facebook page for That Wife back in 2011, but I never did anything with it because I was blogging daily back then and I couldn’t figure out a way to generate enough content to run both the Facebook page and the blog. I’m going to change from posting on the blog daily to trying to publish higher quality content on a regular basis (3x/week ideally, though I can only keep up with 1-2x/week right now), and that means I can take all the little things that aren’t big enough or fully formed yet and post them over on my Facebook page.

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Will I drop off and stop posting over there after a few weeks yet again? Maybe. I’m working on not being afraid to try new things and then admit they aren’t working for me (otherwise known as avoiding things because I’m worried about failure). For now though, I’m excited to explore this space and see if it’s a good fit for my life right now. If you’d like to join me over there I would love to have you!

      I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
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