Archives for ‘Parenting’

The Line Between Embracing Mediocrity and Accepting Reality

October 09, 2014 By: Jenna Category: Parenting

What if we bowed out of the parenting rat race and found a way to accept that our children are going to lead wonderfully average lives? They won’t end up in jail, but they also probably won’t end up with a Wikipedia page either. 

The “rat race” in this context is defined as the modern American parenting model that fills a child’s schedule with sports, tutoring, classes, prep courses, and camps. Soon it will be about logging hours spent on Khan academy, Coursera, and writing reports on Ted talks. Jennifer Senior points out in her (phenomenal) book All Joy and No Fun that parents used to prepare their children to be a blacksmith, a farmer, a baker. Within the past 75 years there has been a fundamental shift when it comes to thinking about what our children can become, and the possibilities are presented as endless. How are we supposed to determine the best preparation for our offspring if we don’t know what we are preparing them for?

A few months ago I made a note about developing this idea into a post, but the thought wasn’t mature enough to write it out here. A recent Slate article titled “Practice Does Not Make Perfect” has renewed my interest in the topic. If you aren’t going to read the Slate article yourself I’ll give you a quick glossing. After Malcom Gladwell’s book Outliers made a splash* popular thinking shifted toward the idea that everyone could be successful if they put in their 10,000 hours.  I think this idea drives the Tiger Mom/Helicopter Parent culture that we see in America today, with parents devoting more time than ever before to setting up a successful foundation for their children. The Slate article highlights some recent studies which move the thinking away from the “effort theory,” toward a combination of genetics and dedication. This approach is especially important when we are thinking about how to address social inequality; for many/most people their circumstances are not due to a lack of effort. For me the most striking point in the piece was the suggestion that instead of testing for IQ and then promoting those who are advanced into the best schools, we should be identifying those who are struggling the most and funnel them into the best learning environment possible in order to give them the kind of boost that their higher-IQ peers got from their genetic makeup.

When my kids were younger I had a sort of a Harvard-bound mentality. I wanted them to dream up unbelievable goals and put in their 10,000 hours to achieve them. I blamed my own average achievement level on a lack of resources and information due to a sort of birth-location lottery. My parents don’t deserve any harsh words for this, they did the best with what they had in a small farming town before the Internetz. I wondered what I would have achieved if my childhood had happened 20 years later,  in a 10,000 hours focused household operating during the Information Age.

Now though, I don’t think I want to set my kids up to think that they can do absolutely anything they set their mind to. The last few years as I’ve had all good choices opened up to me I’ve found myself frequently mourning the paths not taken. I get caught in these sad little whirlwinds of negative thinking and I forget to focus on the many ways that things are going right for me, and the myriad of opportunities I have**. This is one of the drawbacks of telling people that every good choice is theirs for the taking. It’s a good thing I’m thinking about these things now, while my kids are really young. That should give me enough time to fine-tune these qualities in myself so I can teach by deed, and not just by word.

Last year I heard an NPR report about a family who had decided to structure their family life around baseball, detailing the time commitment it took to keep their kids excelling in both school and sports. The kids weren’t just playing baseball, they were aiming for the majors with each and every swing. As the audio streamed I felt overwhelmed by their schedule and I’m not even the one who is living with the commitments they have! I don’t want to structure my life that way, and I’m not sure that I want either of my kids pinning their life on such slim possibilities. At T1′s last end-of-school concert the graduating kindergartners all stood up and named what they wanted to be when they grew up. When the third or fourth child named their goal as being “doctor and president” the crowd responded in a rather dramatic fashion. The following kids quickly realized that if they wanted a similar reaction they needed to name something over-the-top as well. If a child hears that over and over I wonder it must be like to one day realize that the best they personally can hope for is something that no one would ever receive applause for at their kindergarten graduation?

Instead of telling my kids to dream impossible dreams or make them think that I value the Ivy League and career/monetary success over all else, I’d like them to think about values. I want them to have a strong work ethic, to have integrity, to be self-aware and pragmatic about their potential, to view their own potential in a straight-forward way that isn’t blurred by the potential and opportunities that their peers are able to grasp. I don’t want them to encounter the parenting “rhetoric-reality gap” and think that I say I want them to be kind, but mean that I want them to be successful. I think praising our kids for their effort instead of their results/intelligence is the first step we are taking in encouraging this mindset. It’s a little bit scary to think about walking that line though, because telling them they have to aim for the stars means they will at least reach the moon. What if I don’t tell them to build a spaceship, and they one day grow up feeling, like I sometimes feel, that everyone around them is learning to fly and their mother never showed them how to spread their wings?

*Someday I will post about how reading Outliers was a springboard for my departure from Mormonism. Reading it was a pivotal paradigm-shift moment in my life

**Many of which are completely unattainable for those in different circumstances

The Loneliness in Motherhood

September 29, 2014 By: Jenna Category: Parenting

There are weeks where I go for long stretches of time without seeing anyone except my children, husband, trainer at the gym, and the preschool/daycare staff. On Monday morning I tell myself that this is what I want (so much to do and look at all that time I have to be productive!), but by Friday evening I find myself feeling melancholy and rather lonely.

I wonder how common this loneliness is among mothers, especially in the early years when it’s so much work to get the kids from point A to point B. A few weeks ago I tried to address this by posting on Instagram that I was looking for someone to meet up with in my area, someone who would be interested in looking for a nice spot and taking pictures in the sunshine. I left late (sadly, a standard practice for me) and then took a detour because I saw the clouds rolling in and I so desperately wanted to find a spot that wasn’t overcast. I really crave that golden light of the morning and evening.

 As I wound my way back toward our meeting spot I started to cry. I was crying about the gloomy weather, but even more than that I was anxious thinking that I had missed the chance to make a connection with someone that could turn into a genuine friendship. And then I cried even more thinking about how strange it would be for her to meet up with some woman from Instagram who showed up 45 minutes late with red rimmed eyes and flimsy explanations about what was going on.  Read more →

One Day Per Week

September 16, 2014 By: Jenna Category: Adventures, family, Parenting

We went through a period where That Husband was working every single day of the week and I was emotionally depleted by the lack of family-togetherness time. It was really hard for me to enjoy my time with my kids when I was constantly jumping back and forth between meeting the needs of one or the other. I craved an easy afternoon where we would laugh and play and be in love with each other, all of us together in the same place . TH could see that the everyday working arrangement wasn’t a good long term strategy for our marriage, and so he promised me Saturdays as a family day. So far he’s been able to stick with it and we are all so much happier! The kids get to interact with him and show him their newest skills, and I get to go to Happy Hollow and have someone to chat and sit with as the kids do their kid things.

Speaking of Happy Hollow, once we figured out we were going to spend time together, we had to agree on what to do. Not an easy task when one partner likes to explore and try new things and the other likes routine and predictability. I want to sit down with the Red Tricycle emails and plan a different sort of outing every weekend, focusing on all of the food festivals that have a little something for the kids and a little something for me too. TH has won out for now, and most of our Saturday mornings of late have been spent at Happy Hollow, a little park and zoo not too far from our house. We can wear the kids out, feed them lunch, keep them awake in the car, and have some quiet time to ourselves in the afternoon. T1 loves it there, so much so that every time his teacher asks him what he has been up to he describes trips to Happy Hollow. Even on the weekends when we don’t go :).

I’m not a huge fan of zoos, but I do have a soft spot for the meerkat exhibit. Those little guys are really committed to being on the lookout at all times.  Read more →

Like, Aren’t We A Bit Early For This Milestone?

September 05, 2014 By: Jenna Category: Parenting

If I asked T1 to title this post, that might be how he would write it out. Last week my four-year-old came home from preschool sounding about a decade older than he really is, introducing every other sentence with “like.”

We saw this a few months ago with even. “Even I had a nightmare last night.” “Even T2 wants the milk.” “Even I drew this for you at school.” I used my default approach for these little quirks and didn’t draw attention to it, hoping it would go away. The even overuse seems to be something he’s moving past, but the introduction of like makes me nervous because it’s so pervasive throughout our culture. We, his parents, use it all the time ourselves, though not as often as I think the generation below us does (how much worse is it going to get for those who will be in college in 20 years?). It is hard for me to describe an experience I had with Person A to Person B without peppering my speech with “I was like” and “She was like” and “It was like, the best thing ever.”

My understanding is that there are two basic schools of thought when it comes to linguistics:

  1. There are rules, and the only correct way to speak and write is to obey the rules.
  2. Language is a product of the environment it is spoken in. Dialects and linguistic trends become valid over time as they are regularly reproduced in everyday use.

If the second description is true, then I don’t need to worry so much about T1′s new habit. The old guard will fight against it, kids will be marked down for using it in their speeches in class, and eventually it will become a generally acceptable practice. He will need to learn boundaries and try to curb it enough to match societies expectations in order to achieve his personal goals, but I don’t need to assume this is going to hold him back in a permanent way.

If it’s the first description then… what do I do? Like, what are the other parents out there doing?

How I’m “Making It Work”

August 04, 2014 By: Jenna Category: Parenting

I’ve been following Julia’s Moms Make It Work series for several months now, but had been hesitant to contribute because there was a very specific approach I wanted to take in writing my post and I knew that it wasn’t going to be appreciated by everyone. I was tagged on Instagram by someone who wanted to hear my perspective, and I decided that even if she was the only one I would give in to my inclinations and write out my account of our parenting approach, schedule, and how we balance it all.

Click here to read my Moms Make It Work post on My Life in Transition. It’s my attempt to talk openly and practically about the ways we juggle parenting and childcare, not just how I feel about it, but what I am physically doing to make it all come together.

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      I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
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