I’ve had this post on my mind for a long time now, but I felt I couldn’t write it until I revealed the enormous shift I’ve made over the past year. If you didn’t know that I had left Mormonism how could what I am about to say come across as anything other than pandering? I needed you to know that I am in a different place so that I could atone for my past mistakes. I choose the word atone carefully, knowing that my recent declaration could make it sound as though I am trying to be clever. But I know of no better word than atone to convey a complete cleansing, which is what I need. Some of the things I’ve said in the past hurt people in really deep ways and I want to shed the baggage that comes along with realizing that. This does not mean I recognize all of the mistakes I’ve ever made or will continue to make, or that I have the ability to own up to each and every one of them. I am deeply flawed, and within that bundle of flaws comes pride and shame, both which prevent me from being all that I want to be. I’ll keep chipping away at those stones that burden my progress, but for now I hope those I have hurt will accept the apologies I am offering up below and know that they come from the truest part of myself that I am mentally and emotionally able to lay bare.

Most of these apologies are related to my Mormon mindset, but I will start with one that has no relation to the faith of my childhood. While I was pregnant I wrote a post called I’m Gonna Climb That Mountain (those who were hurt by this post have requested that it be made unavailable to the public so that the hurtful messages I voiced within it can’t be spread any further). I’m not sure anymore what I was trying to convey, but reading back over it I can see that it was a terrible post and I said a lot of hurtful things. I’ve been ashamed of that post for a long time, but haven’t allowed myself to take it down because I didn’t want to hide behind my ability to make posts private or delete them altogether. I think women should birth how and where they want. I am sorry that I made any woman feel like her birth plans or birth experience weren’t good enough. I think mothers should have every opportunity to choose the birth experience that leaves them feeling empowered and triumphant, because that is how I felt after the births of my babies and that is what I want every woman to have as well. I think that some women do everything they can to give birth a certain way and it turns out to be something else entirely. Those women should have the opportunity to grieve the loss of a great dream while they simultaneously celebrate the arrival of their little one(s), and no one should ever criticize them for doing so. There is no mountain. There’s just a pregnant woman doing her best for the life she carries inside of her, and then there is a beautiful mother doing her best for her child.

And now for the opinions and thought processes that were a product of my personal history and religious tradition. A wonderful thing to note is that not all of those who come from my community or belong to the Mormon faith think or act the way I did; they are much better people than I. But when I shifted away from Mormonism and a worldview shaped by my youth I left old hurtful attitudes behind and I can’t untangle where these attitudes began and how much of a role my past played in nurturing them. All I can do is acknowledge that they were a part of the Jenna of the past and that I want to leave them behind forever and move toward the better Jenna of the future.  Read more →

March 6th 2013.

T2 is exactly one month old. T1 is one month shy of his 3rd birthday.

The first waking of the night happens around 2 am.

Read more →

1 Month

Nicknames: Mah-ree-ree, Fuzzy Lumpkin, Sweetie Pie
Temperament: You are a very easy baby. As long as you are fed, changed, and burped, you are good to go.
Things I Could Do Without: You have a pretty severe nipple preference (you like the bottle better) and sometimes I can’t get you to latch at all.
Things You Could Do Without: The moment where you get out of the bath, your brother (literally) jumping on you, having both of your arms swaddled in the miracle blanket at night, tummy time.
Item/Toy We Love The Most: The glider. It’s so wonderful to snuggle up with you and rock back and forth as you coo and snore.
Item/Toy You Love The Most: The Moby. It’s soft and warm and you get to do your favorite thing in the world, which is sleep on me.
Things I’m Loving Most Right Now: That I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the time you’ve spent nursing, all of your darling smiles, treating you like a little doll and getting you dressed.
Things You’re Loving Most Right Now: Mom’s chest (for eating sometimes, and sleeping always), dad’s face (you smile so big whenever he is around you).

M,

I want to write, long, detailed letters to you relishing every moment. Because we do, we relish the time spent with you. You’re such a sweetheart. But being the second baby means there just isn’t time for that. I don’t know if you’ll have kids someday, but if you do, and you have more than one, you’ll understand.

The good news is, we made most of our mistakes with your brother. Hopefully we’ll consistently be running a tigh Read more →

Kelli Nicole gifted us T1′s birth and newborn photos, but I knew we wouldn’t be able to pay someone for both types of photos when T2 was born. Photographing my own birth was impossible, so I hired Kelly M for that, and crossed my fingers that I would recover fast enough from the birth to be able to manage a DIY newborn session before T2 outgrew the cuddly/sleepy newborn stage.

On Valentine’s day my sister and I quickly made the bed, gathered up the photo stuff, and prepped both kids for our photo session. We shot for about an hour (could not have done it without Shay, thanks my dear!), kept it very simple, and ended up with what you see below.

Look how light her hair is! I think she might actually have a little bit more than T1 did, but it’s so light that it’s harder to see. Read more →

Written in response to this.

To the leadership of the LDS Church,

I am a born and raised member of the LDS Church. My mother wasn’t able to breastfeed me, and I don’t have many memories of women breastfeeding around me when I was young. In 2006 I had a breast reduction, and when they asked me if breastfeeding was important to me I said it wasn’t really, because I didn’t know anything about it. I had no strong examples of breastfeeding women to want to emulate. Growing up in the LDS Church I was consistently told that motherhood was my most important role in life, but I knew nothing about how the act of feeding my baby from my own body, or how much I would want to make breastfeeding work once I had children of my own.

In 2010 I gave birth to our first child, a son. I poured all of my time and energy into trying to make nursing work, but after three weeks I decided it wasn’t going to work and switched to formula. I was devastated, and believe I missed out on crucial bonding opportunities with him. I am grateful for the women in my life, like my visiting teacher who loaned me a breast pump so I wouldn’t have to figure out where to rent or buy one, who helped me through that difficult time.

In February of 2013 our second child, a daughter, was born. This time around I have a much stronger support system made up of women with a variety of experiences related to breastfeeding, and though I don’t know how long I will be able to keep up my current schedule of nursing/pumping/formula, it is incredibly reassuring to hear over and over that the challenges I am facing are not unique, and that others have persevered. This culture of support has made feeding my first newborn and feeding my second newborn as different as night and day.

I haven’t been back to church yet but when I do go I want to be in a place that cheers me on for every moment spent trying to feed and bond with her. My husband travels for work on a weekly basis, and sometimes he has to work on Sunday. I don’t even know how I would manage gathering up my 2-year-old and keeping him entertained in the mother’s lounge while I tried to nurse our second. I want my priority to be her and her needs, and I don’t want to spend a single second worrying that I might offend someone who mistakenly believes that there is anything gross, sexual, or inappropriate about feeding my child.

Please make a public statement that encourages the membership of the LDS Church to support women as they attend to the needs of their children. Please revise the Church Handbook of Instructions to make it clear to local leaders that the only appropriate message to give in response to a woman breastfeeding at Church or Church-related activities is “You are a wonderful mother.” Because no matter how a woman feeds her baby, she is doing a beautiful thing

Jenna Andersen