My Formspring page has turned into a bit of a fascinating social experiment, with anonymous questioners filling my inbox with questions ranging from the whimsical to the random to the downright rude. Not surprisingly (as this word is used pretty frequently in the comments section on my blog and in posts written by other bloggers who disagree with what I’ve said) a term I see pretty frequently is judge, in all its many forms. Why am I so judgmental? How do I live with myself being such a judgmental jerk? They aren’t going to read my blog anymore because they think I am rude/judgemental/self-righteous/hypocritical/etc.

Source

I’ve had the word judge thrown my way so many times that I realize I’m not sure I even know what it means anymore! So I looked it up on dictionary.com:

–verb (used with object)

6.	to pass legal judgment on; pass sentence on (a person): The court judged him guilty.

7.	to hear evidence or legal arguments in (a case) in order to pass judgment; adjudicate; try: The Supreme Court is judging that case.

8.	to form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically: You can’t judge a book by its cover.

9.	to decide or settle authoritatively; adjudge: The censor judged the book obscene and forbade its sale.

10.	to infer, think, or hold as an opinion; conclude about or assess: He judged her to be correct.

11.	to make a careful guess about; estimate: We judged the distance to be about four miles.

12.	(of the ancient Hebrew judges) to govern.

–verb (used without object)

13.	to act as a judge; pass judgment: No one would judge between us.

14.	to form an opinion or estimate: I have heard the evidence and will judge accordingly.

15.	to make a mental judgment.

Interestingly, none of these definitions seem to have the negative connotations I was expecting. Numbers 8, 9, 10, and 11 are particularly relevant to this discussion I think, as they all indicate that to judge someone/something is simply to make up your mind one way or another. Judging is coming to a conclusion.

Does this mean that commenters and readers would simply like me to stop making decisions or coming to conclusions? This is something you and I do all day long, from the menial decisions surrounding what we would like to eat, where, and when, to the significant choices that deeply affect our lives. Maybe what they/you/I/we mean when we talk about how someone is judging us/being judgmental we really mean that we feel condemned. We not only feel like they came to a conclusion and now hold an opinion, we are convinced that their conclusion belittles/criticizes/denounce/disapproves of/finds fault with/punishes/reproaches/or sentences us.

Today I’m hoping that we can engage in a bit of discussion surrounding the topic of judging. I’ve certainly made mistakes in the past, and will continue to make them, but I work hard to learn from them and figure out how to word my posts so that my sentences don’t come off as condemnation. I’m always going to have opinions, and I enjoy communicating them so publicly, but as I wade into the mommy blogging world I’m realizing that this is a two way street. Just as I feel that I have a responsibility to edit for tone and consider how my message will be interpreted by different viewpoints, I think the reader also has a responsibility to step back and say “Just because this writer thinks soda is addicting and inhibits weight loss doesn’t mean she thinks I am a fat addict.” X does not always equal Y. If I write that I think c-sections should be a last resort due to possible dangerous complications for mother and higher NICU admission rates for baby, I’m not condemning you as a bad person for having one. I judge that vaginal birth, if at all possible, is best, and I don’t think there is any harm in holding that opinion. Judgement does not equal condemnation.

I’d love to see some discussion in the comments regarding what makes you feel condemned. If the problem is with my writing, maybe you could point me toward an opinionated blogger who holds opposing viewpoints that doesn’t make you feel the way I do? What kind of language/phrases make you feel judged in a negative way?

I’ve found that I like to take on too many projects at once. I want to grow my blog to the point that I make some money doing what I love, I want to build Jenna Cole up to the point where I am contributing significantly to the family income, I want to have a have an amazing meal on the table each night when husband gets home (and I wish I would make him breakfast each day and pack him some lunches as well but that never happens), I want to graduate, I want to learn to sew, I want to have a sparkling clean house, I want to fit in long slow workouts that will help me reshape my body to better handle labor, I want to spend more time with my girlfriends, I want to be the woman who shows up on your doorstep with a loaf of banana bread “just because”, and so many other things.

It’s possible that with some incredible prioritization and time management skills that I could fit all of these things into my life, but could I be the best at all of them? No way. There are some areas in life where we are the best, others where we are better, and some where we just have to settle for good. If we want to live a balanced and varied life we cannot be the best at everything we try to do.

That’s not so hard to accept, right? There are times where settling for mediocrity is necessary if we want to survive without finding ourselves curled up into a ball under the covers, fingernails chewed to the quick and tears streaming down our face because we just. can’t. survive. another. day. like. this.

Unfortunately defining what is best in any given situation is not so easy, because as I see it there are two types of best. The first is largely tied to science and theories and hypothesis and statistics and proof. This best (which I will call the “science best”) consists of truths/logics that are widely accepted and adhered to. No infants riding unrestrained in a car, for example. The absolute best thing you can do for your baby when riding in a car is to restrain them properly in an infant car seat. Keeping babies on their backs while sleeping is another example of a “science best”. The data available to us today shows that this action can drastically lower your chances of dealing with the devastating effect of SIDS. Though there will always be those who can argue anecdotally that doing things differently is best for them, they are the exception rather than the rule, and if we are looking at things objectively I think “”science best”" should be judged based on what delivers positive results for the majority, not the minority.

The other type of best is a lot tougher though, the “personal best”. “Personal bests” deals with practices that don’t have solid data to back them up (or maybe there is solid data, but it’s so strong for both sides of the argument that choosing one side or the other becomes something that should be evaluated individually). In parenting, “personal bests” include deciding between a sling or stroller to carry baby, which bottle to feed with, what bedtime is best for your child, and so many other choices.

Sometimes you hear person A arguing that they have the “science best” and that person B is using the “personal best” to justify their actions. The debate surrounding the safety of home birth is a prime example of this and is unfortunately just a part of life. At some point we just have to say “I respectfully disagree” without turning to hurtful attacks to get a point across.

I’ve learned recently of a beloved phrase in America, involving the word best:

The best you can do is what is best for you.

Or some other equivalent of the phrase (do what is best for you, do what is best for your family, all that matters is that you do your best). Is this grouping of words as beloved in other countries as it is here? It’s the ultimate catch-all! Whether we don’t know what to say, or we don’t want to disagree, or want to lend support, or we agree with the reasoning, or we are just trying to be a shoulder to lean on we toss this phrase out to the point where I think the meaning has been twisted to mean “Whatever you think is best IS best“. In some cases, like with the “personal bests”, this is most definitely true. You figure out what works best for you, and you go for it, no matter whether others determine differently.

The problem with this phrase is that we sometimes use it as justification when we feel guilty for choosing something other what can be classified as “science best”. Breastfeeding is a perfect example of this. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Medical Association, the American Dietetic Association, and the World Health Organization (and many, many other respected organizations) all agree that breastfeeding is best for babies. Breast is best has become a bit of a rally cry for breastfeeding advocates, but some fight for opposing viewpoints because it’s tough to hear that choosing different may not result in the cream of the crop results we wish we could always achieve. Many formula feeding mothers feel judged when it is suggested that the choice to use formula isn’t the best thing they can do for their baby. As will possibly be the case with myself, for some breastfeeding isn’t an option due to biological/emotional/economical reasons. Though we may determine that breastfeeding isn’t the best choice for us, statements by others reiterating the evidence that breast is best do not need to be taken as a personal attack.

We want to always provide what is best for our babies, we want to always make the best choices in life, but it’s not possible to always do so. Sometimes we do what is better, and other times we do what is good. The women who chooses good or better this time around when it comes to nourishing her infant isn’t bad. The mother who breastfeeds may also be the mom who puts Sprite in her toddler’s sippy cup, and the mother who chooses formula may be the one who further down the road takes the time to get a full serving of fruits and vegetables in her child’s mouth every single day. Best, better, good, and sometimes even bad, our choices through life are always going to be all over the board.

I’m going to keep writing posts about what I have determined are “science bests” and “personal bests” (for who would want to read a blog with posts detailing information and attempts at mediocrity?).  But when I say I think something is best, I don’t necessarily mean the alternative(s) are bad, or that choosing something other than best makes you a horrible person. Sometimes you are indeed the exception to the rule for whatever reason, other times we disagree because I think I’ve found a “science best”, and you consider it a “personal best”. I freely admit that there are areas in life where I choose good rather than better or best, and I think I would find far less anger and hurt in my comments section if others agreed to do the same.  I think we all could benefit from developing our ability to step back and say “Today I chose good, and I’m okay with that. Yesterday I chose best. Tomorrow I’m going to work to do better.”

Life is a sum of all your choices. Albert Camus

LDS readers likely have the voice of Elder Oaks bouncing around in their head due to this talk presented in general conference in 2007. I am in now way trying to say we shouldn’t follow his counsel and I am constantly working to reevaluate and figure out what areas I can take from good, to better, to best. And keep them that way. Happily, living the teachings of the Gospel is a little more cut and dried than I’ve found most parenting and lifestyle decisions to be!

I probably should have posted this yesterday to help settle things down a bit, as someone emailed me this morning to let me know the “black box of mystery” has made it’s way onto the comments section of the mountain post. An indicator that many of you feel as passionately about this as I do, whether in opposition or agreement. Thank you to those who have taken the time to defend me or nod in agreement, as well as those who have intelligently and thoughtfully articulated their discord.

It’s hard to believe that I could become so passionate about birth in such a short period of time, but I frequently get looks from my husband that can only be interpreted as “If you put me through even one more minute of hearing about this I’m going to explode.” A look I often deserve because if I leave my emotions unchecked I begin to sound like a small town preacher railing against the sins of mankind, pounding the pulpit to get my point across.

In terms of blogging for a very public and diverse audience, I’m still rather new at all of this. I have a lot to learn. And I’ve learned a lot over this past weekend as I’ve read your comments. I’ve had that mountain analogy brewing in my mind for weeks now, and for me it is still accurate, and will always stand. But that’s where I screwed up royally. I took my own experience, my own views, my own opinions, and applied them too universally. In some ways I don’t regret doing so because it has caused so many of you to step forward and show me that we as women are standing up for ourselves, becoming educated, and taking charge of their own birthing experience. Based on the personal anecdotes I had been subjected to before this I didn’t think that was the case.

Usually when I write things that set a lot of people off I don’t refer back to them, as I’ve found it’s best to let things die down on their own, but I am going to take a moment to explain myself this time. I’ve already told you that I don’t feel I was surrounded by very good birth stories in the past, and a lot of my opinions are based on such (aren’t all of our opinions based on our past experiences?). I’ve never heard any woman in my life explain a reason for getting an epidural other than a fear of pain. I’ve only heard people say “Birth is the worst thing I have ever experienced and I want the drugs to knock me out as much as possible so I can be removed from it.” I hear women talking about how they want a c-section because they don’t want to go through the pain of pushing. I’m happy to have so many of you speaking up to say those aren’t the reasons women today are using for medical interventions.

The ATV and the chopper comparison? For me, they still stand. I don’t dread the thought of labor, in fact I look forward to the experience. Per my religious views, procreation and birth are the closest I can come here on earth to being like God. To participate in such an act is a sacred opportunity and I intend to treat it as such. I want to be there for it, in every way possible. To be whisked away to the top of that mountain would cause me to miss out on something I am so looking forward to experiencing.

I am going to continue to write extensively about my views on pregnancy and birth, often in a very opinionated manner. But from here on out, I’m going to try to do a better job of distinguishing between fact and fears, opinions and data. I think that all of you deserve that much. Thank you again for following along with me.

Here’s another one from the archives, posted on November 7, 2004.

This was a time before the idea of nipple sensitivity and a breast reduction had even crossed my mind. Since this paper was written (again for my Womens Studies class) I have become sexually active and my views on this issue have changed slightly, but I do still believe there is an over-sexualization of the breasts in America.

As I’ve hinted at before I have some pretty strong beliefs about issues relating to pregnancy and childbearing, and the right to breast feed in public, in any location, as long as an effort to conceal the breasts is made, is included in those beliefs. How to preserve the sexual nature of the breast for the marital relationship, while opening up the opportunity for women to use the breast as it is intended (for breastfeeding)? I still have no idea.

Breasts and the Sexualization of Women

If a child were to learn everything he knew about breasts from television and the media he would think that breasts are meant to be shameful, sexual, forbidden, big and upright, and existing solely for the pleasure of men. Exposure of breasts is considered indecent exposure in many places, and a man by the name of Joe Francis is now a millionaire from a home video series called Girls Gone Wild that features young women frequently baring their breasts to the world. Young girls who are exposed to the “fake and perfect” breasts of Hollywood develop a distorted view of their own bodies, eventually yearning for this perfection and attempting to realize it through plastic surgery. In all actuality, breasts are only reproductive organs because they produce milk. As a culture we must realize that though breasts are a part of what makes a woman female, they are not intended for a sexual purpose.

To understand how outrageous it is for breasts to be regarded in the way that they are, it is important to understand what other cultures value, as well how they view a woman’s bosom in their own culture. In our own culture during the 1920’s a flat chest was seen as the ideal. Bra’s were invented during this time to flatten a woman’s chest; strange to imagine in our society of push-up bra’s and implants. It is not just our culture that resorts to strange methods to changing the natural shape of a woman’s body. Padaung women in Burma are considered appealing if they have long necks, through the use of metal rings introduced around the age of five a young engaged girl can have a neck that is stretched up to 25 cm. In Vanuatu, Malakula a young child’s head is bound from the time that it is 1 month old. This process is continued for about 6 months to produce the desired, elongated shape of the head. A person with a finely elongated head is thought to be more intelligent, higher in status and closer to the world of spirits. Ironically, the women of the 1800’s worried about being too thin. In an advertisement from 1890 Professor Williams comes to the aid of women who would like to gain a few extra pounds.

Don’t look like those poor unfortunates who, shorn of her artificial inflationary devices & pads, must, in the confines of her bedroom, through shame, try to cover her poor thin figure from the gaze of her beloved spouse.

“In four weeks Professor William’s famed FAT-TEN-U Foods increased my weight by 39 pounds, gave me new womanly vigour and developed me finely.”

Professor William’s “Fat-Ten-U Foods are guaranteed to make the thin Plump & Rosy with an Honest Fleshiness of Form!

As we reflect on what we value as American’s today, it is easy to see that the things that makes a woman beautiful change extensively over time. Today when women are seen wearing leggings, extremely big hair, and gaudy makeup, they are termed to be “living in the past” or “living in the 80’s”. Yet, twenty years ago those things were the very height of fashion. Just as the view of what makes a woman’s overall appearance enticing has changed, so have the ideas about what is the ideal shape of a female chest. Not all men in the world have such a distorted view of the mammary glands however. Carolyn Latteier, the author of Breasts, The Women’s Perspective on American Obsession, relayed some of her views on the subject.

“Well, we do have a peculiar obsession with breasts in this culture. A lot of people think it’s just the human nature to be fascinated with breasts but in many cultures, breasts aren’t sexual at all. I interviewed a young anthropologist working with women in Mali, in a country in Africa where women go around with bare breasts. They’re always feeding their babies. And when she told them that in our culture men are fascinated with breasts there was an instant of shock. The women burst out laughing. They laughed so hard, they fell on the floor. They said, “You mean, men act like babies?”

The women of the Mali culture were amazed to hear that men could have such a fascination with something that they had to deal with every day. The sexual attitude that the Western culture has developed concerning a women’s chest has classified them as sexual organs, another part of the female genitals. This assumption is incorrect; breasts have no part in producing a child, merely in nourishing one. The basic anatomy of the breast is the glands, fatty tissue, ducts, and nipple. Instead of honoring it for the miracle that it is, men have turned the breast into an obsession. It is interesting to note that it is the nipple itself that seems to be causing all of this stir. Some of the string bikini’s seen on music videos are nothing more than two tiny triangles on top, but as long as her nipple is covered the soft porn on display is allowed. The nation was shocked to see Janet Jackson bare her breast during the halftime show of the Superbowl game, yet they had know problem with the provocatively dressed dancers surrounding her who were bumping and grinding with everything they had.

Many women across our country, as well as countries much like ours have attempted to confront this backwards way of thinking. The Topfree Equal Rights Association was started to fight back against this view of breasts by emphasizing that fact that if a man is able to take his shirt off in a public facility, so should a woman. Many people will attempt to fight against movements such as these for varying reasons. Conservatives will simply not approve, but it would be the pornographic industry that would fight back the hardest against the de-sexualization of women. Without the mystery and forbidden nature of a woman’s chest the porn industry would lose billions of dollars each year. Arguments will also be given that defend the biological and chemical differences in men and women and in their brains. These arguments cannot hold their own, since it is not all cultures that feel this way about breasts.

Though the concept of women walking around topless equally with men is a bit extreme, as a culture we need to change our view about women and their bodies in general. Women should never be rebuked for breastfeeding in public, and young women across the country should not feel so extremely bad about their bodies that they would resort to methods as drastic as plastic surgery. It is unfortunate that the upcoming generations of children will be raised to think that the purpose of the breast is to sell beer, instead of providing the best possible nutrition for the baby.

Did you hear about Totally Stylin’ Tattoo Barbie? When Molly of These Little Moments posted about Mattels newest attempt to appeal to the kiddos I was reminded of this paper I wrote for my Womens Studies class at BYU. It was originally posted on my first blog on Novermber 9, 2004. I haven’t made any changes or edits since it was written for my class(which is my way of telling you I hope that my writing skills have improved in the past 4.5 years!)

This image brings to mind a song that was very popular during my high school years titled “Barbie Girl”, by a band called Aqua. Its lyrics included lines that said

I’m a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

Almost every little girl grows up playing with Barbie’s. I read somewhere once that the percentage of girls ranging in age from 2-12 who played with Barbie’s was somewhere around 90%. Any young mind can spend hours imagining the different worlds of adventure that they can visit with their perfect, yet hardly realistic, plastic friend. By presenting this young model as a Barbie, the makers of Moschino Jeans have objectified a human being to the point that she actually becomes that unattainable shell of a toy that we all grow up playing with.

Objectification is to present or regard something as an object. This woman has lost everything that makes her a living breathing human being. Because of this we can almost allow ourselves to treat her as a “thing”, impersonally, without feeling. By turning her into an entity, the advertisers have made her into an unattainable shell that other woman idolize yet never become. Women will cut out this picture, hang it on their refrigerators, force themselves to compare their bodies to this woman’s as they forbid themselves that last bite of dinner for the night. This woman, like many other fashion models, does not represent 98% of the American female population. She represents what is the unhealthy, unrealistic goal of far too many women.

The woman in this picture is bound in an awkward position to the wall behind her. Her stance in wide with her feet and knees pointing inwards, making her look unbalanced and unsteady. If she is unable even to stand up straight and support her weight, how can she face the world around her? Her arms are bent at unnatural angles, not only making her look odd, but unwilling as well. As in many advertisements, there is an imbalance in the careful lighting of this photograph. Closer inspection reveals that the lightest part of her body is her pubic area and legs; her face is darkened and covered by shadows. Highlighting the sexual areas of her body, while hiding her face, gives us an excuse not to recognize her for the human being that she is. The advertisers hope that the viewers of this add will desire to buy their products in the same manner one might desire after the body of this young woman.

The position of this woman and the lighting of her body make her look powerless; anyone who wanted too could take control of not only her body, but her mind. Barbie’s can be molded to become anything that the imagination desires. Do the makers of this advertisement and this brand of clothing want to mold the women who buy their items into whatever they desire? If this ad had been truly been designed with a woman in mind, clothes would actually be sold, not sex. Avenues to accomplish this can involve stunning photography and amazing set design; there would never be any need to stoop to the degradation of the pornographic image above. It is the mind of a man that believes showing half-naked and submissive photos of women will sell clothing or products. Ads such as this one can considered the illustration of how men view and value women’s bodies. They would rather turn her into a defenseless doll, this woman is easy to manipulate and control, just as they would like to do with the women around them.

By using images of sexually stimulating young women in their ads, advertisers for major clothing brands across the world hope that they can convince women that buying their clothing will turn them into the young woman they see before them. Women are smart enough to realize that this woman has a physique that is very desirable, and may fall into the trap of thinking that if they do not look like this presently, buying this brand of clothing may help them become like this woman in the future. The marketers behind this ad for Moschino may also hope the women who do represent the ideal will identify with an ad featuring a girl who is bound and confined. Many beautiful women are just as unhappy as the other 99% of the female population who are not considered alluring by the world’s standards.

At first glance this ad may be considered slightly appealing. The color scheme is well thought out, and Barbie’s are thought of as the ideal toy as well as image. Just like a young girl molds her Barbie into what she wants it to be, so will the designers of this ad manipulate you into becoming what they want you to become. Just as they took advantage of this young woman, so will they take advantage of their consumers in an effort to make a little extra money.

I cringe everytime I see that phrase “I read somewhere once…” Who says that in an academic paper? Oh wait, I do.

If you found this rant against the advertising industry interesting you might enjoy the website About-Face. The Gallery of Offenders and the Gallery of Winners are both fascinating to look through. (Warning, the Offenders can often be risque and sometimes offensive. I would rate a few of them as NSFW.)

One of the latest Offenders

One of the latest Winners

What are your thoughts? Is it “Whatever, it’s just advertisers trying to get extra publicity?” or “My blood boils when I see the objectification of women all around me?”