29 Jan
Pink Pill of Death
Last week I ended up writing a rather scathing post about people who offer unsolicited advice about my sex life (for if you tell me to wait to have a baby aren’t you essentially implying I should be managing my private affairs a certain way?)
I didn’t sit down with the intent to write a post like that, but as I took the time to explore my feelings and experiences in relation to the situation the angrier I became. Now I suspect many of you are wondering what’s keeping me from holding that sweet little baby in my arms?
I’m happy to say it isn’t the dreaded “I” word: Infertility, as we haven’t yet moved to the stage where we would know.
It isn’t That Husband either. When we were dating he said kids in 3-5 years, and I said 1-2. Then we got married and I said “Now” and he said “Why?” and I said “Because I believe my purpose in life is to be a mother.” And he said “Okay, we will do this together.” I love my husband.
The stumbling bock in my road to motherhood? Me. Yes, I’m the only thing standing between my own desires. How ridiculous is that? I feel stupid typing it out, because once you hear what it would take for me to become impregnated you will shake your head and think to yourself “That Wife is an idiot. I only suspected it until now. Now she has confirmed it.”
To have a child, all I have to do is prove to That Husband that I will finish school. I don’t even have to finish. I just have to prove that I will finish. I will admit that the terms we agreed upon are a little abstract, but this open ended agreement means I could have a baby in my belly by March if I wanted. And I do want to, except apparently not enough to actually STUDY. What is wrong with me?
I’m such an idiot. I’ve tried all kinds of systems to motivate myself, but these last 19 credits are haunting me. I hate them, and avoiding them is currently my method of choice. I did agree to let my friend Christiana hound me about my daily study habits, but I discovered today that all I need to do to avoid her is turn off Gchat. Christiana don’t be mad!
All of this means every morning I wake up and do the thing I hate most. I take the Pink Pill of Death. Why the Grim Reaper title? Because every morning I wake up with dreams of my imaginary baby. Sometimes it’s a boy, sometimes it’s a girl, always it has dark hair and light eyes (I realize how rare this is, but imaginary babies can look however you want them to). I check my phone, say my prayers, pee, and open the medicine cabinet to kill anew my baby dreams for the day.
It’s a vicious cycle, and sometimes it makes me want to crawl right back into bed again, but I know what everyone would say, “You are doing this to yourself.”
Goodbye January 29, 2009 baby. I would have called you Harvey.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
Oh yes. Once I got the idea that I wanted a baby - even if we agreed to wait just a couple more months - I hated taking that stupid pill. With this second baby I didn’t think we were even going to try for a second until our first was walking (our first has Down Syndrome and is almost 3 years old - he’s almost walking..any day now!) but then back in the summer I got SUPER baby hungry for another!
I think this is something guys don’t really understand - once you get bitten, it’s all you can think about. But I understand somewhat the reasoning to finish school - my plan had always been that even if I had to give birth the day I graduated from college, I was going to finish. (I did work for a 1 1/2 before my first), but now it’s all behind me and I can focus on being a MOMMY!
1(boy that was long - sorry!)
Here’s a bit of motivation:
The most powerful predictors of children’s academic progress are THE MOTHER’S EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENT and household economic well-being. http://www.hull.ac.uk/children5to16programme/briefings/joshi.pdf
Get cracking- if not for your own edification, then for Harvey’s!
2I also am trying to finish up school and it is really hard. I only need 11 credits and I have to resist the temptation to skip class every single day. I have to force myself to do my homework. At least you have an awesome motivation, I’m just going to graduate and leave the state.
3http://segullah.org/guest-post/confessions-of-a/
read this. it inspired me to work on my own habits that kept me from being productive.
YOU CAN DO IT. yes you can.
4Wow, Jenna. That is tough. I know how hard it is to get motivated to study (believe me - I would NEVER be able to go back to university now). But I wish you wouldn’t think about taking your BC pill as killing potential babies! That is such a sad thought. Think of it as you having to be in the right place in order to have a baby, and since now is not the time, it’s just on hold until it is.
I wish I could help you get motivated, but I’m not that person! But you will. I know you will. You’re a strong lady! You can do it!
5Just do it. Find what it takes for you to find the motivation to do it.
I’m telling you that because my brother in law turned 27 yesterday. And guess what? We found out that he doesn’t even have his associate degree! Associate degree! Not a master or a doctorate, not just the two basic years. Why doesn’t he have it? Well because he is missing a few credits and never bothered to take care of it.
So please don’t be like him. Get out of the house, find a study group, sign up whatever you need to sign for and get it done and over with.
My biggest (unsolicited) advice is: set goals in time. Not goals you can move.
Say by February 15th you’ve signed up for those 3 classes, by Feb 10th you’ve found a study group.
We shall motivate you too if you want.
6This should be your February challenge
that was harsh, you shouldnt really beat yourself up over all that…not that i know anything, but still, ouch!
7if you can’t find the motivation to finish school for yourself, perhaps you should consider the value finishing your education will have for your child.
8also, those pink pills you take truly are evil. i will offer more upon request.
p.s. i have nearly black hair and green eyes. it is not as rare as you think.
I think TH instituted a great deal in that you have to prove you will finish first. Imagine if you got pregnant immediately, then were busy with the baby, then went about as a mother… if you don’t have the motivation to finish now, you wouldn’t go back in 10 years to finish. And what a waste, to be SO CLOSE and yet never obtain a college degree. Even if you never plan on using it, it just such a privilege to just have one. Think of all the people around the world who are unable to attend college even though they want to, because they have to immediately enter the workforce to earn money to support their extended families. Be thankful of the opportunity you have… and go finish!
Do you want your child growing up thinking “Wow, my mother was a hopeless slacker, she couldn’t even finish those last 19 credits! Why should I bother putting any effort into high school, because apparently college is a waste of time.”
9I found if I would just force myself to do a LITTLE, I was more motivated to do more. I told myself “I will do twenty minutes” and then it was easier to do more. Or, if I didn’t want to do more, at least I’d done SOMETHING.
(It helped that we lived by a pool at our apartment, and I would take my text book out there and read between dips).
10As someone who is also trying to finish school via distance, I feel your pain. I have requested THREE extensions in one course in order to finish. (oh.my.gosh I can’t believe I said that on the internet) Finally, I got my act together and started making plans. I made a day for each class (I’m taking 3 right now…monday, thursday and saturday) and made things “due” for myself each week. If I get behind, I have to spend more time catching up on another day. However, my goals are realistic. Read one chapter for this class this week. Go to the library and research this paper next week. Do one section of statistics. If you say you’re going to read 10 chapters and write a paper, it’s never going to get done and you’ll get so far behind that you won’t be able to catch up.
You can do it!!
11That’s tough. I know what it’s like to have extreme motivational problems. Have you tried bribing yourself with your favourite food/activity? Or say you’re going to do a set amount of work (even like 1/2 hour or 1 hour) everyday and if you do it everyday of a week, you get some really exciting reward.
What time of day is your brain working its best?
Good luck and you can do it!!! It’s only 19 credits instead of 100, so it is an attainable goal!
12You crack me up! The first step to fixing the problem is admitting that you have one, right?
13I don’t know what sort of classes you have left (this won’t help at all with math, alas) but if they involve writing… something I found very helpful was to write papers as if they were blog entries. Seriously. Writing papers is hard, writing posts is not (even if they really take a ton of thought and research), or so I told myself.
You clearly have what it takes, so see if you can find some odd tricks to make it easier. Just don’t accidentally post something you really need to submit to a prof.
You can do it!
14I wonder sometimes about this education system we have. College is not for everyone, nor is it an easy cake walk.
But in this day and age everyone regardless of talents and interests is expected to go to college and graduate with at least an associates (though even those are getting rare) or they’ll never go anywhere or make any money. That just leaves people who have no real interest in the college education system (which is screwed up in it’s own way. Why do people who never taught a class in their life and barely taken any teaching classes have to be the ones to teach 200 people?) forced to study and struggle through classes.
My best friend had her son during her Junior year of college. She managed to take a semester off and come back and finish in a year. It was a lot of hard work and her son barely got to see his dad (he lived 2 hours away) but she did it. It wasn’t easy, but she is probably the most determined person I’ve ever known.
15Maybe it’s all in how you look at it. Instead of thinking about those 19 credits as something that you have to finish so you can get something that you want, you should try looking at it as something that you, as a mother, are doing for her children.
No one ever plans to be widowed. If something horrible were to happen to your husband, it would fall to you to support your family. Those 19 credits could mean the difference between a desk job and a fast food job.
Finish your schooling and remind yourself that you’re doing it for your kids. Because in the end, you are.
16To build on R’s idea above, one of my friends is in grad school and is keeping a quasi-blog where she posts all of her written work from school. For her, it’s kind of a handy place to store things. If you did something like that - even if it wasn’t a public blog - you might find it more manageable.
You’re _surely_ able to finish. I just don’t see how you can post every day on a blog (and sometimes 2 or 3 blogs) and not finish those 19 measley hours.
17Ugh, school!! I hear ya. I hated school and am sooooo glad I’m done with it (and graduating in April, lol). By the way, it’s always been my dream to have a dark haired baby with blue eyes. You dream that baby into existence, and then I will photograph it. And pretend it’s mine.
18You guys are all such awesome motivators! Thank you so much. I like the commenters who aren’t afraid to hit me where it hurts and make me feel guilty. And also the one who are supportive and sympathetic. So basically I like you all. I can’t wait to write a post about some of the progress I have made!
19Oh man! I so know what you mean. I started taking the pill just before we got married because I was so afraid that if I did get pregnant right away, I would be TOO pregnant to go to Germany. AND I WAS GOING TO GERMANY!! Lol. My patience finally killed out in July and August was my first month w/o. Here I am still waiting for my dream baby. Patience sucks!
20Hi Jenna,
I’m a longtime (yet sporadic) lurker. Love your writing style and really hope you make super progress on your photography dream. That being said, you really made me laugh today.
I know this post is in all-seriousness, and it is a deep and personal subject for you. But it was funny.
You can do anything you set your mind to (cheesy but true!) and you will get your education finished up. If today is not the right day, then tomorrow it may be. Things happen for a reason. You are where you are supposed to be and are facing the challenges you need to face.
I agree with previous posters - a blog may help, somehow - but when you are ready to go to school (so you can have that sweet, sweet baby) you will.
So keep your chin up girl. You can do it.
21I offer my sympathies - it took me an extra year to finish up my graduate studies (they should NOT give so much unstructured free time in grad school if they want anyone to finish on time - or perhaps they should require you to be a self-motivator before letting you into the program). Now l am looking for a job, which gets so discouraging that any motivation l have just gets quashed (along with my self-esteem). My boyfriend and l have talked about how we really can’t move forward in our relationship while l exist in this employment/emotional limbo, which one would think would be enough of a motivator, but then l find myself on the couch, in my jammies, watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210…
Cristin Reply:
January 30th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Oh SoapNet! It is the enemy of all graduate students. I can now say that I’ve watched all ten years of 90210 and all of the OC [which was HORRIBLE - why there was so much hype when it was on in primetime, I'll never know. I kept waiting for it to not make me gag]. But ditto on the TV time as a key distraction from grad school!
You can do it! Think about it this way: It takes time and effort to commit to writing a blog post every day. If you can write a blog (and I know some of your posts, especially your Sunday faith posts, take longer to write than others) you can hit the books! Maybe commit to hitting the books and doing some work before you blog? Schedule it in your planner, on your calendar, whatever it takes. Just do it! You are obviously smart and you are a good writer; finishing your English degree will be easy peasy!
23Ah, I saw this photo a bit back and thought “Is that what I think it is Jenna?”.
School isn’t easy. Most of us have been through it/are going through it. The only semi-helpful advice I can give is my own reasons for pushing through this. First, I sincerely doubt Ryan and I will be able to get married before our Bachelors, so we just need to get it done! Comparatively, the deal TH offered is very fair, so it just has to get done. Second, it is so awful to think of, but if something does happen to That Husband it could make a huge (HUGE) difference in the well-being of your family to have that degree.
I know it sucks, but if you want a baby you’re going to have to push through it (ha, no pun intended). Just like me- it sucks, but I want to be a wife, so I’m pushing through 15 credits this semester, and hoping to take on 25 hours of work a week (minimum). You can do it, I have total faith in you!
24Think of it this way. Because you are taking birth control you are actually preventing your body from releasing an egg, so therefore, aren’t you preserving them for when it is the right time? So you’re not letting possible children go by. Think of your classes as a motivator, besides, it takes approximately 10 months to have a baby after you are pregnant (and it usually takes a while to get pregnant after using birth control, statistically), so why not let whatever happens happen and use that possibility as a motivator to finish your classes. You can finish those credits in no more than 2 quarters (6-8 months) if you want it bad enough and have your baby shortly thereafter, if it was meant to happen that way. Just an idea…
25I agree with the comments above. School is so important! I am not going to lie, I am one of those people that other women like to judge, I don’t dream about having children and I work 80-100 hours a week. With that said, I just read the post you wrote about people’s opinion’s on your sex life, and even though I am from the opposite side of the spectrum, I understand what a deeply personal decision it is. You and your husband are the only people qualified to make big decisions in YOUR life. People love to give me advice all the time, to which I just say “thank you, I will take your advice under consideration” and then pretend they never said a word.
26/sigh… I know how you feel. I would encourage you, though, to get as much done as possible before actually getting pregnant, because you never know if you will have a hard pregnancy and not be able to focus on school in order to finish before the baby is born. On the other hand, maybe they’d put you on bed rest and you’d have nothing to do but study?
Believe me, having the degree feels good — not as good as a baby, but it feels good to have that piece of paper to prove that you could do it.
27I read this and the last post about your desire to be a mom and I thought I would weigh in with my thoughts. I, like you, consider motherhood to be a most precious endeavour and it was something for which I have always yearned. I got married a month before my masters dissertation was due and I can tell you that that last month of writing was really hard - I wanted to get on with my new life and it was in a new place as well so it made it hard to focus on an old city and the work. I pushed through and I might not have gotten a distinction for it, but I finished and I am so glad I did. I had a little on just over a year and a half ago and looking back, I could NOT have been studying and been pregnant. I had really bad morning sickness for four months and I needed all my energy to nurture this little babe and focus on what was to come. I feel really blessed to have done it this way because now I have everything to give and my energy all for him. You can do this. Why don’t you set up a school work challenge on your blog and report in to all your readers. We can keep you accountable! You will be a wonderful mom - just get through this!
28Oh Jenna - how you make me laugh! You’re writing is so gorgeous and its a wonderful escape from my own life. I wish you well in your scholastic endeavors - is there any way your blogger friends can support you in this quest? Surely we can be of use to you!
29I really admire you for writing this post, Jenna. Your honestly and self-reflection inspires me.
I hope (and would bet!) that writing this post will have been part of the ‘unblocking’ process that will lead to you getting those credits and your dreams too. Every day is a step closer - how many steps you have to take is, as you know, up to you.
30I thought you had been absent form chat lately! Now I shall hound you with emails and photos of cute babies in graduation outfits. That is, if I can find photos of such things…
31I waited awhile to submit this comment, because I didn’t want to risk sounding insulting to you or any of your readers. However, you seem to be fairly open-minded and welcoming to people who have different opinions or backgrounds from your own, so I will trust that you will believe me when I say that I don’t mean to be insulting.
I’m in my second year of law school and I can’t help but wonder why women who believe, like you do, that it is their purpose to be a mother, feel the pressure to finish school. Yes, statistics show that the education level of the parent is reflected in the child, but that doesn’t really take into account parents that went to college but didn’t finish. It has been my experience that a lot of women get a degree, or two, and then become stay-at-home-mom’s for a few (or many) years, and eventually either their children grow up, something happens within their marriage (divorce or death), or they simply get bored - so they go back to work, but very often they go back to school first. Because the person you thought you would be when you were twenty isn’t necessarily who you want to be when you are forty, and that is okay. I see a lot of law students put so much time and effort into their degree to leave the legal workforce two or three years later and decide to do something else entirely when they re-enter, and I can’t help but wonder why they did all that work only to redo it later.
So maybe as a motivating factor, you could explain to me, or to yourself, why it is that you and TH have that deal, and why you think a college degree is an asset for a mom.
(Completely disregard this if you are planning to be a working/career mom and use your degree immediately - based on all the comments that people have made, I may have gotten the mistaken impression that you want to be a full-time mom; there is nothing wrong with either but for some reason every time I say working or full time mom it comes out as judgmental on either end!)
Also, cut yourself some slack - you have 19 credits left to go, and its not exactly small potatoes, even though yeah, its less than 100. I say take it one class or so at a time and it will seem much more manageable. Maybe mirror your exercise or track your study progress using fitday. Or take all the books/materials you need for one subject, go to the library, set a time for how long you can stay there, and just stay for 2 hours or whatever with just that subject. It really helps me to narrow my focus to just one subject at a time.
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I think the most convincing argument for me is that I didn’t spend (well my parents didn’t spend) thousands and thousands of dollars spending me to school to get my Mrs. degree. At the very least I can finish for them.
I am applying for grad school by the end of the month. If I get in, I start this summer, end of May. It’s only a year-long program; I’d be done May 2010. We decided we’d try after I gradate in May of 2010. Except I almost hope I don’t get in, so I can get pregnant earlier and won’t have to worry about morning sickness AND classes. Because I want a baby with my hubsters so bad. I constantly think of names. For a girl, my grandmother’s name: Mayadelle. For a boy…. Asher? Atticus? Emerson? Not sure.
I have a hard time just FINISHING my grad school application.
So I understand.
Jenna Reply:
March 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I want to know how you are coming up with these amazing names! I love all of them.
JessicaMayBe Reply:
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Mayadelle is in the family (grandma’s name… and great grandma was May. And my middle name is May, and my mom’s middle name is Adelle).
Emerson and Asher were two that I liked. Asher is a biblical name but not super popular. Couldn’t say much for the actual man in the Bible, but cool name.
Emerson like Ralph Waldo, it would be cool to have a kid who thinks out of the box.
My hubs loooooooves Atticus. Our last name is Lords, and he thinks Atticus Lords is THE best name in the history of the world. I’m not 100% sold on it, not sure if I like Atty for a nickname, but the hubs says with a name like Atticus, there’s no reason for a nickname.
JessicaMayBe Reply:
May 13th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Didn’t get into grad school… so we may be trying a little sooner than we thought. Who knows? It’s a confusing thing. Nice to have time just for the hubs and me, but it would be nice to have a little one to love as well….
Shanna Reply:
July 11th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Wow. This is kinda creepy. Reading this comment years later, and I have two nephews named Asher and Atticus. More popular than you though, I guess!
lindseytron Reply:
March 10th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Asher is cute for a little girl, too!
(I am totally biased thanks to the sweet little tiny Asher I know.)
I totally have baby names picked out that we both love - but for us it will be more like 5 years even if I’d do it sooner. We are very content to get our first dog together this summer though (something my husband has wanted longer than I’ve wanted a baby). However it will have a dog name, not a person name, so we can save our favorites for the future kids
Is this your BA or MA you are trying to finish? It has never been spelled out - but I think it is your BA. Why do you want to finish - so far I’ve heard 1.) your husband wants you to, 2.) so you can have a baby, 3.) because your parents want you to. Have you considered that maybe you can’t motivate yourself to study because YOU really don’t care if you get the degree? This may be rude, but you can add a 4th external reason - the Church would want you to. It is a continuous source of embarrassment for BYU that their 4-year graduation rate for females is deplorable (as is the overall graduation rate for females). In all seriousness, if you can’t find internal motivation for finishing, what is wrong with not getting your degree? Good luck!
Jenna Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
BA
Ah yes, there is a 4th reason.
It’s that I don’t like becoming a statistic. I like being unique. I, like many others, like to find ways to try to rise above the pack.
And let’s also mention the monetary reasons as well. I’ve done something like 10 semesters, and if you calculate that they cost around $4000 for tuition, books, and other costs I would not have incurred has I stayed home, I’ve invested entirely too much to quit now.
Hi Jenna,
This is totally like 4 months late. I read this post a while ago and for some reason it popped in my head this morning to comment to you on it. Anyway, have you considered the Natural Family Planning method of birth control? It’s not the old out of date Rhythm Method, but actually based on scientific signs your body shows as to where you are in your cycle. I have issues with swallowing the pill day after day as well, so I switched a few months ago and have been very happy. Also, since you will probably be trying to conceive in the near future anyway, it would be great for you to become familiar with the signs you would need to track for birth control. If you’re at all interested, it’s worth reading a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Here’s the website http://www.tcoyf.com
Jenna Reply:
May 5th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Thanks so much for the link Lynne!