The TTD I Can't Do

24 Jan

The TTD I Can’t Do

Posted by Jenna, Under Personal

This week I experienced one of those times where you want something you can’t have so bad that you let a few tears escape into your pillow at night. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since my application for the Film program at BYU was rejected my Freshman year.

I know that someday I’ll think the whole thing is rather silly, but this is now and I can’t force myself to feel that way. I was talking about going to Vegas to meet up with my mom and sister for this convention for photographers convention called WPPI. When Miss Dumpling from Weddingbee informed me that a group of photographers from around the country are getting together during that time to shoot an amazing Trash The Dress session, I immediately emailed the shoot coordinator to find out if I could join in as a bride model. The scenes and photographers will be fantastic, and the brides are going to have their hair and makeup professionally done and everything! With my Roman bridals, engagements in Mexico, 2000+ wedding photos, and after wedding shoot with my mom, it should be no surprise to anyone that I love to have my picture taken. This shoot would would be a once in a lifetime thing for me.

Except it’s on Sunday. And I don’t do things on Sunday. I don’t listen to anything except spiritual music, I don’t watch TV, I don’t spend any money. I go to church, I visit with family and friends, I read, I cook. I don’t go out into the desert and have my hair and makeup done and skip around in my wedding dress. I wish I did, but I don’t. Sunday is the Lord’s day. I have six other days for myself, I figure I can give him just one.

I think I laid in bed for about 2 hours the night I found out it was on Sunday, attempting to figure out a way to justify how I could make myself feel okay about this. But then I realized something. I wouldn’t be able to go to church that morning. I would be the only girl out in the desert with a temple-modest dress on. What if the topic of religion came up? What if someone knew and mentioned if? I would feel hypocritical for saying one thing, and doing another.

I just really want to do it, you know?

Have you ever had to make a decision like this? What stands in the way of the “fun” things you want to do?

I’m sure many of you are going to leave encouraging comments that say you think I should do it and you think it’s no big deal. I’m not going to change my mind, I just needed the chance to vent and get my feelings out so I could let my sadness/frustration go. I also hope this post doesn’t come off as “self-righteous”. There are many who would do the shoot, LDS or not, and I think each of us should choose to do what we feel is right for us.

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16 Comments

ka1en says:

January 24, 2009 at 12:06 pm

props, jenna.

you just picked spirituality & commitment & honor over vanity & materialism, which says a LOT about your character.

my respect level for you just went up a lot (not that it was low). but honestly. what an awesome decision.

very mature, responsible decision. i bet that husband is really proud. <3

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kaitlyn says:

January 24, 2009 at 12:14 pm

I require myself to be in early on Saturday nights- I typically get home about 10:30.

I also kill my work availability because I refuse to work on Sundays. Closing off a weekend day makes finding part-time work much harder.

I admire your choice Jenna- I know how hard it is to turn that down. In my opinion, you made the right one

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Julie says:

January 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm

I think you are making the right decision by not doing the shoot. Yes, you would get amazing pictures out of it — but every time you look at them, you would feel guilty. It’s not worth it. You are standing up for what you believe in, and that is far more valuable in the long run than more pictures of you in your beloved dress.

So often, I find myself in the position where I am completely and totally torn — though for me, it is usually because of my hours in the lab. I am in the lab seven days/week, 50-51 weeks/year, and I have to sacrifice so many things I want to do so badly (seeing my husband, birthday dinners with friends, trips with friends, visiting my family when they are sick, etc), because I give 7 days a week to the lab, and 0 days a week to myself. But, the occasional time when I DO take off to do something for me, I often feel guilty about it, and concerned that my PI is going to be upset, and it’s just not worth it in the end.

When you do something you truly want to do but cannot enjoy it because there is nagging guilt in the back of your head — you have made the wrong choice. And you are not making the wrong choice here.

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balebusta says:

January 24, 2009 at 12:56 pm

I want to say, I know how hard that must be! Shabbat observers are supposed to refrain from work of any kind, watching TV, handle money (e.g. go shopping), drive a car, and a million other things. It’s supposed to be a day of rest and reflection. While McDreamy and I have yet to become rigid shabbat observers, we still try to keep things low key. Friday nights after I light shabbat candles, I don’t talk on the telephone, answer emails, do work of any kind. Instead of encouraging you to go thru with it, I think you should stick with your faith. It is really hard sometimes, but the sacrifice is important too…it means something more than having the easy gratification of what you want in the moment. That being said, wow, it royally sucks! I wish you could go.

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msloaf says:

January 24, 2009 at 2:14 pm

That does suck that you’re missing out on an opportunity like that, and I definitely understand the conflict, but I think Julie is right, that every time you looked at those photos, you’d feel guilty. I admire you for sticking with your convictions and honoring God in the way that is important to you. It’s very tough to do that. So good for you for doing what you feel is the right thing! It’s all any of us can do, at the end of the day; what we feel/know/believe is right.

But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be sad about this.

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Janssen says:

January 24, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Good for you. Seriously, I think you’re doing the right thing.

And at least you’ll have a good example to share with your kids when you have to tell them they can’t go to a birthday party on Sunday or whatever.

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Kate says:

January 24, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Aw, Jenna, that is sad! I’m sorry you won’t be able go to. Maybe you can find another TTD shoot to do - maybe you could even set up a big one of your own. And it’s probably too late for this, but how fun would it have been to have everyone at your Bride Wars meet-up come in bridal attire? Or, what if you did an all LDS trash the dress session? The possibilities are endless!

So feel sad tonight, and enjoy tomorrow as you always do (because I know it can be super refreshing to step outside the over-stimulating world we live in). But, as someone who also likes to have her picture taken I know, and I’m sure you know too, that pictures come out best when you can just enjoy what you’re doing. If you were sitting there feeling even slightly guilty, it wouldn’t be worth it. I hope that knowing you made the right decision will start to give you some comfort soon : )

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phruphru says:

January 24, 2009 at 5:51 pm

I know it sucks, but seriously, can photos in the desert be half as cool as taking bridals in front of the Trevi Fountain or the Colisseum? I mean, THE Trevi Fountain!! Girl, those photos were incredible! Besides, what would you do with more photos of you in a wedding dress, know what I mean?

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Mandy says:

January 25, 2009 at 7:17 am

I think you made the right decision for you. I’m curious though (I don’t know a lot about LDS) do people go camping on the weekend? What do they do on Sundays? Just a random thought.

Our church also believes that Sunday is a day of rest. However, we have many people involved in choir, orchestra, Sunday School teachers, van drivers (to pick up Sunday School kids), etc. Many of them say that even though , Sunday is a day of rest, it is their busiest day of the week!

Just remember that there will be other shoots. Think about the blessing you’ll receive for being in church on Sunday rather than out in a dessert in a white dress!

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R says:

January 26, 2009 at 3:30 am

Well, unless you deleted a bunch of comments it seems that you had little to fear from your readers. Just wanted to join in with yet another “good for you”. And I’m sorry that you had to miss out, but who knows what good things you’ll get for maintaining your standards (the ability to set a great example for your children, if nothing else!).

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Jenna says:

January 26, 2009 at 4:58 am

Mandy-Interesting question. It definitely varies for all people. There are probably some that consider communing with nature to be enough, but I think most just don’t go overnight on Sundays so they can be to church. It’s important to us to take the Sacrament each week, and I wouldn’t want to miss out on that just to spend some time in a tent.

I know what you mean about being so busy. Depending on your calling in the church Sunday can actually be the busiest day! My dad was in the bishopric, and he would leave the house at 7 am and sometimes not get back until 2 or 3, and then have meetings and stuff later in the evening. The “work of the Lord” is different than work for leisure though I think

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AMANDA says:

January 26, 2009 at 7:10 am

not going is TOTALLY WORTH IT. believe me.

someday i might tell you the story about how i competed (in horseback-riding) on sundays growing up, then quit competing on sundays when i turned 17, then (as a result) i got to go to the National finals on the east coast and then got to go to the BIGGEST INTERNATIONAL competition in the western hemisphere. all for keeping the sabbath. oh wait. i just told the story. but it’s true. you’ll be blessed in so many ways you won’t even know how to receive it way to stand strong woman.

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Sophia says:

January 27, 2009 at 4:04 pm

I have an honest, curious question that I in no way mean to come off as an accusation.

I noticed that in a few of those wedding pictures you are wearing a strapless dress- did you remove your garments for the photo shoot?

I’m only asking because my LDS friends would never, ever dream of removing their garments to wear “non-garment friendly” clothes, and even before they were endowed they didn’t wear strapless/sleeveless, but a lot of them do stuff on Sunday- I know each person’s walk is different, just wondering.

If this is too personal, I understand, and if this offends, I certainly apologize.

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Jenna Reply:
January 27th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
No offense taken (but probably because I didn’t do what was suggested )

I actually wasn’t endowed, so I wasn’t wearing garments when these photos were taken.

I was very torn about taking photos in just the strapless dress. I’ve never worn anything strapless before, and even in high school when I wore things that were sleeveless they always had very thick straps. The dress I was wearing was loaned to us for free by the dressmaker, and we wanted to take some photos without the jacket on for them in case they wanted to use the photos for anything.

I won’t burn or delete those photos, but I definitely won’t be hanging them anywhere in my house. I feel torn about my decision to do so now that it is over. Part of me wishes I would have kept the jacket on the entire time. I guess we all learn lessons like that over time.

Now I am endowed, and I’m like your friend. I would never remove my garments to wear something “fashionable”. I was very picky about my wedding dress for that very reason. I didn’t want to be wearing something on the day of my wedding wear I would have to remove or tuck my garments in.

I hope as you read that you won’t be afraid to ask questions like this in the future. I’m not perfect, and sometimes it helps to hear questions like this and think “Am I really the person I want to be?”

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Sophia says:

January 28, 2009 at 9:07 am

Thank you for your thoughtful answer I really enjoy reading your blog. I usually frequent http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org (run by active Mormon ladies) and my Mormon friends family blogs.

I think that you are doing a wonderful job of following the counsel “every member a missionary”. It hurts me so much when people spread hateful lies about the LDS faith, and often it’s because they just don’t know the truth. Hopefully with your blog they will learn something and pass it on

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Julie says:

February 3, 2009 at 1:09 am

This is obviously something you feel strongly about. Hopefully you’ll have another opportunity to TTD! I’m struck by this commitment to a sabbath on a certain day of the week. I know it’s very historic, and I love the idea of a weekly rhythm that honors your commitment to God. Even so, I always struggle with the idea that you have “six days for yourself”, and this day is God’s? Do you believe God is against spending money, watching tv, or music…or further, you celebrating your commitment, your beauty, and a community that you are very invested in?

I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m trying to CONVINCE you to do this - I’m honestly just very curious about your commitment. Maybe you could blog about this another time?

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