09 Feb
She’s Just Not That Into You
The No Excuses Truth To Realizing You Are An Idiot
Have you heard about this new book that is sweeping the nation? My guy friends can’t stop talking about it. It’s absolutely revolutionary! It teaches men how to stop wasting their time on women who aren’t interested in them. Reading this book will teach you how to interpret impossible to decipher situations such as the following:
- She says no each time you ask her out
- She sends you through to voicemail each time you call and doesn’t ever call you back
- You say I love you and she doesn’t say it back
- She says no when you propose
- She breaks up with you
- You block your number from her caller ID and she yells into the phone “Stop calling me you freak!” upon answering.
Oh wait? This book DOESN’T EXIST?
How is this possible? How could men exist in this world without this very indispensable guide to navigating such impossible to decipher clues? All of my girlfriends are raving about how the book He’s Just Not That Into You changed their lives. What is it that guys have that girls are obviously lacking, the magic ingredient that prevents them from needing the male equivalent to such a life changing read.
Oh yes, that’s right, it’s this silly little thing called
Logic and Reason
We don’t need men to build a glass ceiling to keep us out! We built the dang thing ourselves, and tinted it pink and covered it in sparkles and confetti to make it look pretty.
Now I confess, I haven’t read the book that all the girls are raving about, but reading the chapter headings on Google book search has convinced me that my previous judgements about the book are indeed correct. The book is for girls who have no ability to to logic or reason whatsoever. The chapter headings are things like “He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out”, “He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you”, and my personal favorite “He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.”
Um, wow.
What if I wrote a book that taught women how to use logic and reason, would it make the NYT bestseller list? I bet it would, as long as it included phrases such as “You go girlfriend!” and “You’re hot and you don’t need a man to tell you so!” and my personal favorite “If he doesn’t see what an amazing person you are, that is HIS problem (and his loss *high five* *wink*).
And I guess this answers any questions people might have had over whether I saw the movie this weekend (or plan to ever see it).
If there were to be a male equivalent of this book (the kind touted religiously on Oprah for men), what would it be like? After talking it over with That Husband I’ve concluded that no such book would ever be written, and that conclusion makes me feel just a tiny bit ashamed to be a woman.
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I hate to tell you this but the book is necessary and unfortunately was about hmmm 10 years too late for me (I could have used this in high school through college).
As much as you think it is logic and reason, you don’t have friends and mom’s telling you this but giving you excuses (and yes they really do give excuses for someone else’s behavior).
I appreciated to book’s candor and it gave me a sense of chill - don’t worry - let it come naturally. If you see the movie, I think you’ll get the gist.
Hope that helps and by the way, guys don’t need a book. They have each other. I know from my two younger brothers.
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1I think the reason that a male equivalent would never be written is because guys are just assumed to know how to be players.
It’s creepy reading the relationship advice in a Men’s Health. There really isn’t anything about how to get into a healthy relationship as it is to get a hookup and it’s full of tips on how to cheat and lie your way to it.
Sometimes I think the entire relationship advice section at a bookstore is secretly one large farce. My husband and I like to flip through some of the books and find some of the most outlandish and intrinsic things we can. Sadly we haven’t been in a while so I have no great examples though the number of “How to trick him into marriage” just made me want to smack my head against the shelf.
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2I’m not a huge fan of reading relationship books that are from mainstream pop culture. I do, however, like to read relationship books from Christian authors. I would recommend “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” if anyone is trying to understand the other gender. The author (and her husband in for women only) did multiple large surveys, personal interviews, etc. to get her data. You can read more about it here:
http://www.4-womenonly.com/
http://www.formenonlybook.com/
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3This book came out right at the perfect time in my life for it… one month after ending a 5-year toxic relationship… and while I wish it was around 5 years earlier, I’m happy it came around in time for me to meet my Chris only 6 months later.
It’s the outside logic that you need to tell you your instincts are right — and to let your heart stop leading you in a bad direction. The tone of the book is perfect, coming from a concerned male figure who is tired of watching women destroy themselves in the name of love. And trust me, smart women are still doing this all over the place.
So, while you may consider it for those who are too silly to know right from left, I still consider it a god-send. I wasn’t lacking reason and logic in relationships, but I wasn’t taking the signs that were being sent for what they literally were.
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4In high school I loved romantic comedies and I think that altered the way I looked at relationships. I used to think that the more crazy circumstances there were to overcome, the more the relationship was “menat to be”. Now I’m in a relationship that started because we were friends and it naturally evolved into something more. And that’s something I’m so grateful for.
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Skywalker Reply:
February 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I agree. I loved thinking about exceptions and never the rule.
When I met Attractive Al - it was a natural progression and nothing forced.
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Hilarious, Jenna. Thanks for this. I totally agree with you on this one.
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6I totally want to read that book! It sounds like a good laugh… Jen I think you would laugh at it with me!
P.S. Liberty went to the movie this weekend and said it was insanely dumb. Melanie on the other hand loved it, but I have learned that any movie that she likes, I think is the cheesiest, stupidest movie ever. So probably not good.
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7My poor coworker was forced to see this movie over the weekend, and she said she was appalled at the theater, FILLED with women who just seemed to think it was the greatest movie ever.
On one hand, I completely agree with you: the book, and the movie, just seem insulting. But so many women are lapping this up, I’m afraid your comment about the pink, sparkly glass ceiling built by women must be more accurate than I’d like to admit.
Kimberly Michelle’s comment does remind me of my sister, who’s wicked smart (PhD in physics) but was involved in one dumb relationship after another in college and grad school. She wised up eventually (because her nice now-husband had lunch with her and asked her if she was seeing anyone - Um, I think that means he’s into you.), but maybe this book would have helped? I don’t know.
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8So there is a book that was written for women in a similar fashion called “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve” by Ian Kerner, Phd. I haven’t read it, but I have seen it at Target before and remember being glad it was written to help women not feel so bashed which is what I think “he’s just not that into you” did.
http://www.amazon.com/Honest-Youre-Not-That-Into-Either/dp/0060817402/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234197756&sr=1-8
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9I didn’t even know the movie came out this weekend. I need to get out more.
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10This book sounds a lot like that Dr Laura Schlessinger radio show I cannot listen to for fear of doing permanent damage to my eyes from rolling them so hard. But I guess if people are listening to it, just like people are reading this book, there must be a need for it. *shrug* We can only hope that it does some good.
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11I cannot stop laughing. This post is just great! I agree, if anything I think we just need a book as high school young women to tell us these common sense things. However, as an adult it annoys m as well that so many women need to be told things like this. However, seeing the state of relationships in our country… it doesn’t really surprise me. Anyways, love the post. Agree 100%!
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12I’ve read this book, and it was good for a laugh, but I felt the same way as you…that there should be a male equivalent…b/c it certainly isn’t only girls that are missing all the signs that the other person isn’t interested!
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13I know several women that love this book (and movie) and ritually use it in their relationships. Yet, they’re still single or serial short term daters. One woman in particular that I know often comes to me and asks me all sorts of questions about how I “got [my husband] to marry [me],” like there were some magical words I said to trick my husband into marrying me.
You know what I did when I was in a toxic relationship that was causing a lot of negative things in my life? I got professional counseling tailored to my situation and to me. I’d recommend that any day over a paperback you can pick up while you’re out shopping for groceries.
And why isn’t there one for men? Because men don’t over think everything to a point of obsessing. They don’t think about things like, which way is her body facing during a conversation, how many days should be between dates, should he mimic her body language, oh gosh, what did THAT mean when she said this or that. Men… don’t care, haha.
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14I don’t think that a man would read a book like that. From my observations, they don’t stress and stress over girls like we girls do over guys. They see what they need to see and move on. I don’t know many girls like that.
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15Jenna!! Our posts are so similar, it is scary! I’m very glad to read that someone else shares my feelings about this subject. I thought maybe I was on an island by myself surrounded by a mob of angry people who would beat me down with well worn copies of “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Your post is hilarious!!
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16Uh, this book is needed cause a lot of guys lie. “I’ll call you.” And never does. “Let’s do this again.” but doesn’t want to.
If you were innately born knowing when he’s not that into you, then you are very lucky.
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17Hey! Just stumbled on your site unexpectedly.. but I think that some people just don’t understand the opposite sex. Do you know Jim Gaffigan? He’s a comedian. He has this joke that goes roughly: Why do people always say, “well, it’s not brain surgery!” to say how hard something is! What do you think brain surgeons say when they want to say something’s really hard? “Well, at least it’s not like we’re trying to talk to women!”
Some people have been coached all their lives to believe no one would ever not want them.. so it’s impossible for them to comprehend that someone might not.
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KKK Reply:
February 9th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I just realized KKK might be taken as offensive… sorry! Those are my initials.
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Ya know, I just realized that I know PLENTY of guys that see a girl rejecting them as a challenge. And it never stops, most of the guys that my mom dates are that way, maybe even more insistent. Even recently an old roommate turned down a guy like every 3 days and told him that she didn’t want to go on a date with him and he didn’t stop until she started dating someone else. Oh, and another friend at BYU recently that had to tell a guy oh, about 50 times that she wasn’t interested (he even wrote her some poems, lol). Though, if there WAS a book like this for guys they wouldn’t read it!
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19I was just about to write a post on this. I actually read the book in college, and I think it sets women back a few zillion years. It puts women into categories: such as all women are emotional, dependent on men, etc. While it portrays men as level headed human beings, who are in control of the universe. I wish that woman understood how hard other women had to fight to give them rights. I think Women’s Rights are becoming a bit like the current AIDS crisis. Men are having unprotected sex because they weren’t alive to see their friends die from AIDS. I think women are becoming more complacent, because the facebook generation wasn’t around to see what it was like before our mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, took a baseball bat to the glass ceiling. I think we have forgotten, and women need to wake up and stop supporting movies that further the social construct that oppress women.
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20I have to admit, I read this book in college when it first popped up on Oprah’s radar. At the time I was dating around but not finding anything serious… I remember reading the book and being like, ‘DUH!’ The sad part is that over the years I have seen many of my girlfriends hang onto ‘relationships’ with guys who were obviously not that into them. I totally agree that it’s all logic and reason… unfortunately so often our emotions and feelings keep us from seeing the truth. Funny thing is, the next guy I dated after I finished that book, is now my fiancé. It’s definitely a coincidence but I definitely knew he WAS into me.
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21This book makes me a little sad to be a girl. Sure, I’ve made excuses for guys who have treated me poorly, but I’d like to think that I can take hints like being broken up with. It is so unfortunate that there are those who need to be reminded that sometimes there is just no “click,” no magic. Better not to waste time with those guys, right? (In the same vein, what is up with all those “I can change him!” girls? Crazies, all of them.)
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22First, I LOVE your feminist stance, and your desire to stand up for smart, independent women everywhere. Because you acknowledged that you haven’t seen the movie or read the book (and I’ve done both) - I’ll offer my opinion, because I actually think you’d LOVE both of them.
I think the book can be summed up with this statement, “Don’t waste the pretty”. He basically says - women! You deserve better! Hold out, and know your worth…because you deserve a man who is giving you more than you are settling for.
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Emily Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
So I haven’t read it or seen the movie, but Julie’s interpretation fills me with a little hope that the movie will be more empowering than not for the single girls out there. But if that really was the author’s intent, I wish he had called it “He’s just not worth it”, instead of putting it back on women in the title!
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Jenna Reply:
February 13th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Great point Emily, and after reading through all of these comments I couldn’t agree more. I’m going to guess the title was probably a big marketing ploy to cause a little sensationalism and get sales going?
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jenna i read this book and i thought it was so good! make fun of me all you want but girls only see what they want to see. they need someone to be direct with them. they linger around guys who aren’t interested for too long! i actually just saw the movie this weekend and i loved it…not even kidding. i promise i am not dumb and don’t do most of these things, but its just funny to think that maybe they just might cross your mind every once in a while…i agree with all the comments of course - women are smarter than they make them in the book. but still… i liked it.
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24I beg to differ on the fact that I know LOTS of guys who could benefit from the very advice you posted up top. In high school, in college, and now even as a married woman, (with the exception of my husband of course!) I seem to attract the guys who CANNOT understand WHY I would ever say no to them! And they continuously called, e-mailed, and pestered in person no matter how I worded my rejection of their advances. I don’t mean to sound like they’re banging down the walls, no, but the few guys who have ever asked me out have become semi-stalkers if I rejected them at any point.
I also don’t really like reading relationship books. When my friends ask me how I decided to get married so young and we’re doing so well, and want advice for themselves, all I can ever say is just to be honest! But it seems like they can’t believe that is just what my husband and I do, and they say “oh, no, I think because he didn’t call me for 3 days, I will ignore him for a week”. Yeah, that will totally fix it.
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