Last week I watched this movie. Have you seen it?
It’s called Grace is Gone, and it is about a father who is faced with the task of telling his two daughters that their mother was killed in combat. Do not watch this movie without a large supply of tissues on hand. Or with people you just met because doing the shoulders-heaving/snot-dripping/barely-able-to-breathe-kind-of-cry with semi-strangers is always awkward.
But don’t let the guaranteed chance of crying deter you, I highly recommend this movie.
You all know I have baby fever, and that a considerable portion of my time is spent dreaming of Those Ones, and this baby fever has me thinking often about different parenting techniques I would like to use one day. I found myself often disagreeing with the harsh and often smothering tactics the father used to keep his daughters in mind, but I thought he used a really interesting technique when he caught his daughter smoking on the sidewalk outside their hotel with a random boy she had met that day.
Instead of alienating her by dealing out harsh punishments she doesn’t understand, he takes her to a gas station and buys 2 packs of cigarettes. They head over to a secluded spot behind the station and sit down together. He pulls out both pack and lets her choose which brand she would like, saying to her, “If you are going to be smoking, I’d rather you do it with me than with some boy you have never met.” He inhales, offers it to her, she inhales, and he starts to cough (indicating that smoking it is awful). She instantly jumps up and runs inside to buy him some water. He takes one last puff while she has her back turned (with a sneaky smile on his face), and puts the cigarette out.
I found this alternative approach to dealing with a common parenting problem very interesting. I think a lot of parents are often hypocritical in their punishments because they say “You can’t do this but I can.” Or they punish their children without explaining why they are so unhappy or disappointed with the child’s actions.
What alternative parenting techniques have you seen or heard about? How did your own parents approach discipline when you were growing up?
I’m laughing so hard at the cigarettes moment, mostly because it seems like something my own father would do.
I wouldn’t say that I grew up without any authoritative influence, but I can’t nail down a specific parenting technique I have seen either of them use. My mom worked a lot and my dad was typically thousands of miles away (he lived in Michigan and I lived in North Carolina). My mom varied between working, trying to be our best friend, and screaming/spanking/grounding to get her point across. I was more apt to behave when I visited my dad because I never got to see him. My Dad is an amazing, loving father but when he gets upset it tends to involve hours (literally) of screaming. I can’t say I plan to use either of their techniques with my own future children.
I’ve seen plenty of parenting techniques that don’t work. My best friend’s mother thought she had a brilliant, behaved, demure daughter. She was only right on the brilliant account :). So overtly harsh, strict parenting doesn’t work. I’ve also seen beautiful parenting in Ryan’s brother and sister-in-law. They’re excellent parents, in my opinion. I’m quite glad to be a few years behind their baby making game so I can observe and get pointers through the years. I suppose they’re finding the middle, because I have seen that the “best friend first, parent second” technique doesn’t work all that well either.
A large part of the reason I desire children is to give my children the childhood I missed out on. To shape someone, love them, nurture them, give them a clear set of values and morals, encourage them, mentor them- generally speaking, to parent them. (I realize I didn’t mention late night feedings, tantrums, discipline, disobedience, etc. I do know they come with the territory though!)
I’m sorry to have talked in circles without making a substantial point… I look forward to the other responses!
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Katherine (a.k.a. Sparkles) Reply:
February 17th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I don’t think you talked in circles. I think people reflect a lot on their past experiences. I know when I started babysitting (at like age 12) and now as a pediatric nurse, and having friends who have children, I feel like I am constantly observing how it can be done ‘better’.
I learned, that it is ok if your parents aren’t the “parental role” models you think they should be. My role models for parenting, is usually collective elements I find from all the parents I have ever met. A little of this and that type thing. I just hope I can bundle them all together!
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You pretty much asked a loaded question- especially when you have a reader who is a pediatric nurse, an expert parent observer, and who also has the baby bug (but MY baby bug is well shelved because it is simply not my calling to be a mother at this time)
BUT when the time comes let me tell you just a few things I have already planned for my lil rollie-pollie-ollie(s).
1). Will know God
2). Will not be co-sleeping with us. (My marriage is sacred, and my marriage comes first.) I know this sounds harsh. But I have met so many people who live for their children, their marriages suffer. I am so tired of seeing that sad sight. -Not that I am saying co-sleeping causes it, but I just draw the line there.
3) TV/Movies will be majorly well regulated. Meaning no tv in the bedroom, no more than three hrs a wk… No R rated films…
4) They will learn acts of servitude (volunteering) and books will be a huge dealio. (more than tv).
5) They will learn family comes first.
6) Discipline: This will be a very well thought out team planned approach (between the parents, meaning us). There will be no rash decisions or space for irrational thought. I say this because I would like to use every opportunity as a learning moment. Of course, depending on the age at the time of the implementation of punishment- kids need to learn how to rationalize how life happens.
If I came home five minutes after curfew- I was grounded for two wks, maybe a month and NO telephone privileges. My sister? she got a belly button piercing without permission by her her friends brother at her friends house during a slumber party and the car was taken away for a week. (hardly a punishment if you ask me- my parents didn’t pull the piercing out in that moment. And she was 16!) Not that I am bitter. I am just saying discipline will be taken more from the reflective approach- not just the revoking of a privilege.
7) Will grow up with lots of love and adoration surrounded by fam and friends. =o) The end.
Well not exactly… I love this poem… and will be framing it when I have kids I am sure… Just as a reminder of what to keep in mind…
Children Learn What They Live
*If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
*If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
*If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
* If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
*If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
*If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
*If children live with security, they learn faith.
*If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
*If children live with acceptance, and friendship,
they learn to find love in the world.
Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph. D.
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Kristin Reply:
February 18th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Katharine,
I agree with everything you said. The co-sleeping one has me baffled lately. I guess I understand parents wanting to be close when the child is still young and feeding throughout the night. But as you said, it comes down to needing to respect the sanctity of marriage. When children enter a family the marriage is strained as it is. No need to add more.
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Katherine (a.k.a. Sparkles) Reply:
February 19th, 2009 at 1:01 am
I just did some research on co-sleeping for one of my grad classes. 1) It does not create the safest environment for the child. There are risks of suffocation. Which out weighs parents concern re: SIDS (sudden infant death, which is directly related to the baby sleeping or not sleeping on their back- but that is an entirely diff thing I won’t get into) 2) Studies have shown babies don’t sleep better when they sleep with their parents, it was shown that the REM cycle occurs less actually. 3) one interesting article I found though- an 18yr longitudinal study showed that children who co-slept with their parents did not suffer from any growth or dev’t deficits or harm compared to children who did not sleep with their parents. Actually it was quite equal to no difference.
But despite knowing this, I still wouldn’t co-sleep with my child. I am not opposed to having them sleep in the crib in the room with me the first few months… -I have two friends, who literally have a queen & king sized mattresses in their master bedroom. The husband sleeps in one bed with his three yr old son. The wife sleeps in the other bed with her one yr old daughter. Needless to say, their ‘personal’ time together has been in the ‘un-employment line’ for some time now. :o( and it’s not collecting benefits either. If you catch my drift.
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kaitlyn Reply:
February 19th, 2009 at 1:35 am
SO glad I checked back with the comments on this one. Co-sleeping drives me bonkers. I can understand the first few sleep-deprived months. After that, it seems absurd.
There’s a particular mommy blogger who has been both co-sleeping and breast feeding children for at least 5 years. She couldn’t understand why her husband went out and bought the third a “big boy bed” and started to encourage weaning. This may sound a bit crass, but my thought was “Hm. Maybe he wants the married bed and your body back after FIVE YEARS?”.
Thanks for sharing the research!
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Jenna Reply:
February 24th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Co-Sleeping is also on my pet peeve list! I will definitely be writing some very opinionated posts about it wheN I have my own baby. I’m waiting until I have a baby though, because if I write about it now, all the moms will say “You don’t know what it is like until you have one!”
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OK, I work with children every day, and we use techniques brought up in the book Children:The Challenge by Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs. It was written in the 1960’s, but everything in there is so applicable and relevant, and it WORKS!
The book teaches that we need to treat children with respect and consideration, and to not shield them from the logical consequences of their actions. If they forget their lunch at home, let them go hungry for a day rather than run the lunch over to them. Let me tell you they won’t forget their lunch again! It raises children to be productive, considerate members of society. It’s awesome!
Jenna, I can’t recommend this book enough. I’ve seen with my own eyes how these techniques can turn “bad” kids into respectful, thoughtful children. Seriously. Read it. I’m going to be using EVERYTHING Dr. Dreikurs recommends when I raise my children.
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Jenna Reply:
February 24th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Yay! This sounds like a great book, and definitely in line with a lot of the things TH and I have already discussed about how we want to raise kids. At the age of 11 he was put in charge of not only making his own dentist appointments, but getting himself there as well! That may be a little more extreme than I want to do, but I definitely don’t want to hold my child’s hand until they are 18 years old.
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It literally sometimes brings tears of gratitude to my eyes when I think of how my father raised us. He was fully supporting his own family when his father left him at age 15, doing hard, manual labor, and despite not having a good example he is absolutely amazing. My father didn’t raise his voice to us, he never spanked, and he actually talked WITH us, not to us. There were no stern, wordy lectures. And like Anne, he was really, really big on consequences. I think that sometimes parents go around “natural” punishments- your kid forgets lunch, per Anne’s example. You rush over to bring it to them, but the you say “Don’t forget again! I mean it!”. Well, your words are the unnecessary, unnatural lesson, when really, as suggested, just don’t bring lunch. If we were late to school because we were dawdling, and not getting our things together, he wouldn’t make excuses for us, we’d get in trouble with the teachers, miss breakfast, etc. We learned quickly! We learned to be responsible because he didn’t shield us from consequences.
Lastly, he wasn’t afraid to say he was wrong. The honesty with which he dealt with us was really pretty mind blowing. Many times my father would come in and say something like “you know what, I just told you no because it was easier than explaining it, and that was wrong of me. I’m sorry. This is why we can’t go to the park”. So many times parents are afraid of giving up control, of using the “because I said so” reason. Of course this needs to be tailored to age, but I fully intend to be respectful and honest with my children, and let them feel the consequences of their actions. One last thing- a lot of times it seems parents are more concerned with their image than letting their kids learn. Oh, the kid is screaming for a toy in the store- give it to them, I’m embarassed! Or oh, my kid was supposed to do this homework, and didn’t tell me about it, and I don’t want to look like a bad parent, so I’ll just make up an excuse (lie) to their teacher. There were times when it was so frustrating that my father would be like “hey, you made the decision deal with it”. I would literally be squirming with frustration and anger, but it was so, so worth it.
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Anne Reply:
February 18th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Wow, he sounds like an amazing dad! I wish I had been raised that way!
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Jenna Reply:
February 24th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Thanks for this comment, it made me think a lot about what I wanted to do for my own kids.
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It seems like our society nowadays almost expects kids to be more like little adults. They should at all times sit quietly, can stave off being hungry and should be able to control their tempers. And it’s with that assumption that problems arise, the child is cranky so rather than you know feed him or take him home for a map he gets punished for being cranky.
We used to watch a bit of SuperNanny and another common problem always seemed to be that the Dad just would have little to nothing to do with the kids. He would just come home and go off into his own world leaving Mom all alone to raise them.
I have no idea why we let some guys get away with that. They’re missing out just as much as their children from those bonding and growing years. Not knowing what to do isn’t a very good excuse, we’re not born knowing how to say change a tire or do laundry we learn.
That’s just my 2 cents on what I see or hear from friends, but my husband already knows he’s expected to spend time with any children we’d have as much as I would.
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One thing that my siblings and I remember about my mom is that she used every situation as a lesson. Her trademark phrase “What’s wrong with this picture?” was heard on a daily basis. Example:
If we were watching TV and someone lied.
“What’s wrong with this picture?”
They lied mom. And lying is wrong.
If we were standing in line at the grocery store and read a racy headline on a tabloid.
“What’s wrong with this picture?”
That’s gossip mom. And it’s hurtful.
Etc etc etc.
We HATED it. It drove us nuts. We couldn’t do anything without having her voice in our ears teaching us right from wrong.
But you know what…..it stuck with me. I thank her for all those lessons. It was important to her to raise her children with Christ-centered morals and ethics. And today, as an adult, I am so grateful for her efforts.
I am so saddened by the break-down of morals and ethics in our nation today. If our leaders would stand up for what is right we wouldn’t have Enron, or baseball players using steroids, or a mortgage/financial crisis. We think that white lies are ok. And talking about someone else is fine so long as they don’t find out. I can only hope that someone I drive my kids crazy when I ask them to identify the wrong, and challenge them to be better leaders, better people, and do the right thing, b/c we are called to love our God and our neighbor.
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