13 Jul
The Emotional Effect of the Red Stain
I previously talked about suppressing my period using birth control, and then a few weeks ago I said we are TTC, meaning I had invited Aunt Flo back for her monthly visits once again.
The first time she came, I was in pain (ugh), but a part of me was celebrating. We were moving on to a new and exciting stage of our lives together. Then, last week she came for her second visit and everything felt so different. As usual I had to deal with the exhaustion and the cramps, but this time I was overcome with an overwhelming sadness, and came very close to indulging in a good cry over the whole thing. I felt a bit like a failure. High school kids make babies accidentally all the time, it shouldn’t be that hard to do, right? From now on, each time I see the familiar red stain it will be a reminder that things didn’t go according to plan for yet another month.
This post isn’t meant to sound like I am whining, and I hope it doesn’t read that way. I realize that we’ve only been trying for a very short time, and I understand that there are many women out there who try for years. I believe there is much to be gained by sharing my experiences with others. Every comment that reads “I went through the same thing” or “Be strong, you can do this” reminds me that I’m never alone in my experiences.
I was excited to take this next step, and I thought I could somehow avoid the emotional investment that comes with trying to have a baby. I have read the words of many women who struggle emotionally when conception doesn’t happen in the timeline which they had hoped, and I thought I could separate myself from the pack. I would enjoy my time as a childless woman while I had the chance, because once I have a baby I’m never getting that childless status back. I would be chill now while we are trying, and then move into the thrilled stage once things were official.
However, once we made the final decision to seek after baby a chemical must have switched on in my brain somewhere that made my proposed nonchalance about the whole affair impossible. I believe that women have a divine purpose, and that this purpose is fulfilled in the role of motherhood, and the desire to conceive resides deep within my soul. In a very short period of time the desire for a baby has developed into longing. I wonder, if I feel this way now, so early on in the process, what’s it going to feel like in several months, if the monthly visit of the red stain continues?
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I think I would feel the exact same way…
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1i’m with laura, not that our agreement helps your disappointment any.
there are so many variables to consider with fertility, you have to fight to not be frustrated when you don’t get them all right at the same time.
keep your head up, take a walk, hug your husband and if that doesn’t work, have a cookie. then hug your husband again.
good luck.
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2I would be frustrated too, but having consistently blog stalked you for over a year, I feel confident that not only will you find the positive in your situation now, but that you will have That Baby and it will be perfect!!
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3It took my husband and I four months to conceive. (I’m 10 weeks pregnant with our first baby.) Each month I felt a complete and utter failure. Now that I am pregnant I realize how much pressure I was putting on myself. There are so many things to take in to account. How long you were on birth control, how quickly your body processes all the chemicals out, how long you ovulate for. And each of these are different for each woman. Keep your head up. It will happen. Right when it is supposed to.
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4oh gosh! i was told that if everything was completely normal (and i’d never been on birth control) that we still only had about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. if it’s any consolation, i’d been having unprotected sex (without birth control, just using the “pull out” method) for 5 years and never got pregnant (i was a complete idiot), so i was convinced i couldn’t.
come to find out, it’s quite the delicate process, and while it seems like other ppl can get pregnant whenever they want - it’s usually an illusion.
maybe it was God’s way of letting something heal up in your back a little more, or allowing you to lose a little more weight
all that being said, i know what you mean. after our loss, each period was a painful reminder that what was supposed to be there simply wasn’t. i just hope you don’t let the stress get to you, because it seems to really affect some people’s fertility when they worry about it too much.
i can’t wait until you make the annoucement that it was a success!
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5Just keep in mind somewhere that it’ll happen on Gods time and that just because you aren’t pregnant doesn’t make you a failure. (Repeat as necessary.)
Your body probably still needs time to completely flush out the BC, and putting pressure on your and TH is only going to create stress during what should be a happy and exciting time. If/when the stain appears again, just think - more conceiving practice! Try and laugh and smile and remind yourself of all the wonder that is your life so far. 
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6I got pregnant with my first child quite by accident. (I think that’s an oxymron of sorts since we know what we’re doing COULD lead to a baby, right?) Anyway, as I’m approaching my upcoming marriage in October, my fiance and I are talking more and more about having our child.
And I realized just now reading your post that this could also happen to me. That it might not happen as “easily” as it did the last time. That I might have to face the bitter disappointment each month while TTC. I wonder how I’ll deal with all of that and those emotions, when I’m already a basketcase during my dear, sweet Auntie’s visit as it is now?!?!
With that being said, I agree with some of the other comments - it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. Good or bad, we’re on God’s timeline, not our own. When I got pregnant before, I thought it was a bad thing…and she’s the best thing that I’ve ever done in my entire life. So, if this one takes a while to get started, just know that it could be because someone extra special is coming your way…and sometimes the best things come to those who wait. Even when the waiting just about kills you.
PS - I’m going to try to remember these words to say to myself each month when I start going through this after October…
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7I’ll be in your shoes in about 3 months and I imagine I will feel quite similar. It took my sister a year to conceive her first baby and she’s at a year and counting while trying to conceive for a second time. There is a plan for each of us. Try to put it in God’s hands and be patient. It will work out exactly when it’s supposed to.
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8This month marks the one year anniversary of trying to get pregnant for us. Some months will be easier, some will be harder. I just found out that my 19 year old sister-in-law who already has a 6 month old is pregnant with twins - this month was harder. I keep telling myself the same thing - enjoy the childless time now, because you’ll miss it later - but it’s hard.
I’d suggest if you’re not already, try keeping track of your basal body temperature - it’s a good way to know if you’re getting the timing right, as well as to avoid the majority of the “I’m late, I must be pregnant! Oh, no, just late” rollercoaster.
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9Hi Jenna! I have some recommended reads for you…Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Teri Weschler. http://www.ovusoft.com/ My hubs and I got off the pill about 2 months ago, and we are TTA right now. But we will be TTC starting in August. This is an amazing book. It teaches you all about your body. I know exactly when I’m ovulating now…and feel pretty confident knowing the best time to conceive. I highly recommend reading this book. It even comes with software to aid in charting your cycles. As well as online forum for help and support.
Good luck! Keep us all posted!
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10Like others have said above me, I would feel the same way. I’m very much a person who likes to see immediate results in anything I do. Hang in there, you’ll be pregnant before you know it!
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11You know, it does take your body a while to adjust to being off BCPs, so give it some time.
Also, that old adage “it happens when you’re not thinking about it” is SO TRUE. So, just relax, ENJOY your intimate times with your husband, and trust that it WILL happen sooner rather than later.
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12After a semester of Repro & Phys I was amazed that conception happened at all.
It’s amazing just how perfectly timed everything must be and even then if fertilization happens implantation still might not.
We’re warned so often in the media that any little thing could cause you to get pregnant but in reality it’s a bit more complicated than all that. But it’s also natures way of ensuring that the fittest survive.
So try to not take it as a failure on anyone part and just more of a trial and error.
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13All you can do is remind yourself that no matter how hard is emotionally now, it will all be worth it in the end. But, that said, if you are somehow able to find a way to relax and realize that you are young and have plenty of time, rather than focusing on wanting a child right now… the state of increased relaxation and less stress/anxiety over the situation may help you conceive — it’s amazing what the body can and cannot do when you feel like you are under pressure. My mother had been trying to have children for 8 full years before she was pregnant with me… after suffering multiple miscarriages, she finally “gave up” in a sense and started looking at adoption. Once she was no longer putting her heart and soul into trying to conceive… there I was!
Just remember, good things come to those who wait (as hard as the waiting process may be!).
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14I second Jenny’s advice about Taking Charge of Your Fertility and ovusoft.com
My fiance and I just learned the “Catholic” version (CCLi.org) of NFP for birth control after we are married (we are waiting), but of course it works both ways and the teacher said many couples use it while TTC as well. I can now tell just about exactly when I am ovulating and both methods work even if your cycle is a little wacky due to BC hormones.
It may help you get your “timing” perfectly right!
Whatever you do, good luck and congrats!
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15(I mean this in the least offensive way possible.)
Just be glad that you actually have the “red stain” on your own, on a monthly basis. I’m still trying to get back to that point after 19 years of PCOS (I started when I was 10 and have been wildly irregular ever since), so that one day (hopefully, sooner rather than later) my body will function as it should and I may join the club of those TTC.
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16I’ve already mentioned this site but I’ll mention it again because it helps so much to teach you the signs to look for for when you are ovulating and is a good place to chart your BBT. Remember that you need a special thermometer to track you BBT (I got mine at the pharmacy). You just take it every morning before doing ANYTHING. Anyway, this site teaches you all that. Good luck!
http://www.fertilityfriend.com
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17I second what everyone said about it taking a while to get back to normal conceiving mode after coming off birth control. And yours sounds like quite a big BC, one that probably has a lot of hormones in it that need to rebalance. I’m just speculating here; you’ve probably spoken to your doctor about this..?
My sister and I were having this conversation the other day. She’s TTC and it’s not happening (plus she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks earlier this year). She was saying how when she sees the red stain it’s absolutely devastating, while on my DEFINITELY-NOT-TTC side, when I see the red stain I do a tiny dance of joy.
It will happen. And it’ll be wonderful. I can’t wait for the day you announce it!
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185 of our siblings got pregnant while we were TTC, all of them starting TTC after we had started. Every time I was very excited for them but it also broke my heart. I thought about those dang high school kids who got pregnant all the time too!
Something that we did that helped ease the pain each month (just a little bit) was plan something fun to do the day I was supposed to start my period. The idea was that it would be a celebration if we had a positive pregnancy test that morning, or a consolation if I started. Early on it was something little like a bottle of sparkling cider that sat in our fridge all month…as the disappointment got greater it graduated to going out to eat, or out to eat and dinner, or maybe buying something expensive…(I think we bought a car one of those last months, haha). Just try to find your “thing” that helps you get past that day and lets you move on to the next month. Also, let yourself have that “good cry” if you need it. If I allowed myself my mini mourning moment it was easier for me to start looking forward to the next month. It’s also okay to convince yourself every single month that THIS is the month. One of those times you’ll be right
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Sorry that this wasn’t your month though, I really do feel your pain and hope you get a ++ soon. Oh, and if you become a testing freak like I did, check out http://early-pregnancy-tests.com . You can buy the dipstick type of tests for super cheap and then just use dixie cups or something to test them in. This way you don’t feel like you’re wasting them and you can test as early as you want. They also have cheap OPKs which are great depending on how into the effort you want to get. I’m pretty sure by the end there I had tried every fertility product out there, so if you want any tips on what works and what doesn’t (or at least my opinion I guess), feel free to ask!
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19I had similar feelings to you when we started trying to get pregnant, after the fourth month, I had my breakdown. The fifth month we were finally not disappointed. My doctor told me that on average it takes about four months for the BC to be flushed. I was one of the those cases, it took about four months. I’ve had friends that are quite the opposite. Sometimes it took them a lot longer, sometimes within the week of getting off (That’s no joke! This happened with both of her children) Anyhow, don’t be disappointed, just be patient, Heavenly Father will give you one in His time, not yours.
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Kelli Nicole Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 7:29 am
2 of my sisters got pregnant the 1st week trying too! One went off bc and the other was doing family planning I think and was like, lets try for a baby this week. At the end of the week they were like, lets wait a few more months, but it was already too late.
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I would feel the exact same way. My heart goes out to you girl!
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21As someone who watched her mother struggle with fertility issues for 7 years before I had a sibling, I can understand your frustration. Just remember that God has a reason for everything he does, and he will bless you when the time is right!
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22I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids or not, but I’m 37 and for various reasons have not yet had any children. I’m fine with that, and have decided that if I can’t have kids at some point, adoption would be glorious and beautiful.
I guess my point is this, while I do agree that some people are called to be parents, I think we should be open to how that actually occurs, and be patient with ourselves and with God on the timing. Don’t get hung up on when.
If you’d asked me at age 10 when I’d have kids, I’d have said 24. This morning on the way to work, 40 seems about right to me now. But God’s in charge.
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23I think I will feel the same way in a few years time (The Mr. and I want to get married in 2-3 years and have kids in 4-5 years - we have a lot to do before then!). This sounds bizarre but the fact that I have never had the stereotypical accident makes me worried I will never get pregnant. I illogically forget that I spend a lot of time avoiding that very accident and I should be happy my responsibility it working! The one thing of relevance I will say: don’t put so much pressure on yourself, love. Your body probably hasn’t rebalanced at all after being on the pill so long. Try to remember that..
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24I also thought I would mention that my mother failed to get pregnant her entire first marriage. She had started university at the age of 34 when she found out weeks in that she was pregnant with me to my father (her second husband). Her sister miscarried and failed to get pregnant, booked a holiday and started the adoption process, the day she got their acceptance letter for starting the adoption process she found out she was pregnant with her first child and had three in quick succession.
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25Jenna,
I work with L&D doctors at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital and was going through some of their TTC materials yesterday. They whole-heartedly reccomend that you “Start taking a prenatal vitamin supplement with folic acid AND Omega-3 at least 1-2 months before pregnancy”. Just wanted to make that suggestion to you in case you hadn’t read that before (I hadn’t!). If nothing else, its worth asking your OB about to see how s/he’d feel in your situation.
Good luck - enjoy the process and the closeness with your husband!
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balebusta Reply:
July 14th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Hubby works at NYPH-CUMC! What do you do there?
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I have to second what the previous responders said…learning about fertility and charting my basal body temperature really helped and made me feel like I was more “in control” of what was happening. Good luck to you!
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27Give your body time- its going from all-hormones all the time to no hormones and please let me get pregnant!
We are all so excited for That Baby, and it will happen in God’s time
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28I have been where you are. It is a rough road but one that is so fulfilling. Give yourself time to get “normal” again and have faith that it will happen when the time is right.
Thinking lots of good thoughts for you.
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29Hey, Jenna
First let me say, I’ve been there. As I think I told you before, Nate and I were very lucky, I got pregnant on the second cycle of trying. So there was that first cycle, that one period, before I got the BFP, as they say in TTC forums
I too thought I might be very disappointed. Actually when it happened I was fine, I had a strong sense it hadn’t been meant to be that month. Lucky again, eh?
I think it helped that I had read that it takes on average 4 cycles to get pregnant. So first time would have been really quick.
Please bear that in mind. You are not a failure each month you don’t get pregnant. It is a natural process that takes time. You can’t control it. And in fact trying to control it, or stressing about it, will only make it take longer. The sperm will burrow into a very chilled-out egg, not a pressured one
You want your uterine wall nice and spongy and relaxed to make the perfect home for your blastocyst to cosy up to… ok, maybe I’m taking the metaphor a bit far but you get the idea I’m sure. Relax and enjoy it! Life is only going to get more complicated from here on in…
Lots of love xxx
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30You poor thing Jenna…you’re such a trooper. I somewhat know how that can be. My sister really really really wanted to get pregnant and every month would be such a disappointment when her period would come. It was very traumatizing. But it ended up only taking her 4 months to conceive. Don’t worry, hopefully it will happen soon.
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31Jenna, I got pregnant about 9 months after quitting my BCP, although the pregnancy wasn’t planned and we weren’t exactly trying. I had taken BCP for abut 11 years. It takes a while for your body to adjust and get back to its hormone-free state. Unfortunately we lost our baby 39 weeks into the pregnancy (last October). My first period after that was really hard to cope with. I wanted to try again immediately, but TH needed time to cope with our loss (of course). Those months have been extremely hard, but I learned to let go and focus on our relationship. Last April was the point TH was ready to try again. We were lucky enough to conceive the first try, and I am 13 weeks pregnant now. The point that I am trying to make is that you have to let go of the focus of having sex to get pregnant. It is more important to work on your relationship with your hubby and then everything will fall into place. Maybe it will take a while, maybe you’ll have success soon. But make sure you enjoy the ride. I know what miracles a healthy pregnancy and mother are. Good luck!
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32I’m with ya. Unfortunately I have one of those 45-60 day cycles and I don’t ovulate every time, so it’s even harder. Going on 6 months now, and both of my sisters-in-law and lots of friends are pregnant/have new babies.
The basal body temperature thing doesn’t do much for me, but the ovulation detectors are helpful. I’m thinking about buying that “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” book another commenter recommended. In the meantime, I focus on all the other things that take up my time, like redecorating our house and triathlon training. It works for the most part, but not always.
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33You are so right about a chemical causing a switch in your brain that suddenly makes the waiting unbearable - no matter what you tell yourself to rationalize why you shouldn’t be impatient.
In my thinking, that just means that you really are ready for a baby. So whenever it happens, whatever the timeline turns out to be, know that you are COMPLETELY NORMAL in these feelings and most every woman in your situation has felt the same way (including me!)
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34Don’t put pressure on yourself! Just breathe, enjoy each others love- & when you least expect it hopefully it will happen as it was intended to!
**(We are not officially TTC, but we aren’t preventing it at this point…- so I know what you mean when you say you see ‘the stain’ and the feelings associated, but I feel this quiet voice in me when I think too much into it and I am sure it is God’s way of saying ‘not yet… soon though… I promise…’ Which comforts me a great deal because I know I am giving it to him to decide when the time is right rather than us trying to dictate.)
Besides, aren’t the things we work the hardest and the longest for are just that more sweeter when it finally does arrive/comes to be? =o)
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35I know what the post is about and all, but how about this as an option. Instead of trying to get pregnant and working at it, enjoy having the sex (yes I said it). You waited until you were married, so enjoy all the great sex there is to have, have fun with it, and if you get pregnant in the meantime, great. But remember, that great sex is just as important right now in your life as getting pregnant, you have plenty of time for the kids and such. Just enjoy TH and have a great time with it, trust me, its well worth it!
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36Ah! Jenna I feel the same way. We have only been trying for 3 months, but every month, I count down the days until my expected period, praying that it won’t come and I can take a pregnancy test. I feel the same way about teenagers! Especially when that horrible show “16 and Pregnant” comes on. And I’ve also heard that you only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant any given month. It starts to seem like it’s impossible to have a baby! But, there’s nothing to do but keep on trying!
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37We’ve been trying to conceive for almost a year (some months are more active than others). After countless pregnancy tests and ovulation kits, I am still not pregnant but I’m scared to go to a specialist b/c of the costs involved. But I know I can’t put if off too much longer. Each month I get my cycle, a piece of my heart breaks. What is even more heart-breaking are the family and friends who think of our marriage as “less” of a marriage because we don’t have any kids yet.
They don’t out right say it but that is the perception or vibe that I get from them. For example, everytime we see my sister-in-law she gives me the same speech….”So any baby news? You two need to hurry. Only a baby can fill the home with laughter and love.” How many times do we have to tell people that a baby does not secure a marriage.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and wishing you a wonderful and blessed journey towards motherhood.
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38Jenna,
As many have said before me, we’re all on God’s time time. I frequently think of the song lyrics “And if you want to hear God laugh, tell him YOUR plans” when things do not go exactly how I planned. What I am about to say may not be the most comforting, but my sister and her husband tried for 2 years before getting pregnant…Now they have the most beautiful son in the world. Everything happens when it’s supposed to! (See Ecclesiastes 3)
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