20 Sep
On The Importance of Parenthood
Why am I carrying a child in my womb? I could forgo children altogether and travel the world with my husband. I could fully devote myself to charitable causes. I could adopt*. I could do so many amazing things with my life, not just good for me, but good for society. Some believe that more children are necessary as the world is already “overpopulated” as it is. I won’t address all of these issues but I can tell you why I believe parenthood is so important.
I don’t believe there is any way for me to answer the question of why having children is so important to me without citing religious convictions. When everything is boiled down to absolute basics, I believe that the purpose of life is two-fold. First, for each spirit child of our father in heaven to come to earth to be tested, to earn a place next to our Father in Heaven in the Celestial Kingdom for eternity. Second, to “multiply and replenish the earth” and allow our fellow spirit brothers and sisters to likewise have the opportunity to be tested.
When I look at my life from this perspective, I realize there is nothing more important I can do than provide someone else the opportunity to live and make choices of their own. Career goals, personal achievements, and selfish wishes fade into the background as I focus on the importance of my marriage and my family.
When we were still dating, TH gave me a timeline of 3-5 years before he would be ready to have kids. I’m positive I didn’t want to wait that long, but I wanted to marry him more than I wanted to fight about it, so I let that one slide for a bit.
Then we got married and I knew I had him for good, so I started pushing for children a bit sooner. He relented and quoted 1-2 years. At first I agreed. But then we started spending time in the temple, and the commandment “multiply and replenish the earth” felt like it was being burrowed into my skull. We would sit together as husband and wife in the Celestial room and it was all I could think about. I realized I wanted to have children right away and after some serious discussions with That Husband we arrived at the same place emotionally and spiritually and officially decided to start our family right away, not several years from now as had originally been planned.
Of course this story wouldn’t be complete without a little bit of self-doubt on my part. I was smack dab in the middle of launching my own photography business, working full-time, usually overtime, trying to keep my customers happy and learn the ropes of owning my own business. I was also struggling to find the motivation to finish my classes and graduate, something I am a measly 19 credits away from doing. I began to doubt my previous convictions, wondering if the time was indeed right for me. No harm would be done if I waited just a little bit longer, for a period in my life when having a child would be “better”, right?
But now that I had converted TH to my way of thinking, to the idea that being parents was of the utmost importance, there was no turning back now. He reminded me of my previous convictions, of the promptings I had felt, and my doubts melted away once more. I still stress sometimes about how I am going to get everything done before the baby comes (I think every soon-to-be mother has these worries though), and it’s extremely frustrating to not have an answer when people ask how my schooling is coming and if I’m going to be done before the baby comes. I hope so, but I just don’t know.
My number one priority in life is providing a safe and loving home for this baby, that he/she might exercise their own free agency and choose their path in life, hopefully one day choosing to live with their Father in Heaven once again as TH and I are striving to do.
*I won’t be talking in-depth about adoption here, as it is a deeply personal issue and I believe it isn’t for every couple. Both must be 100% supportive of the idea, and there are few things more damaging to a child than a failed adoption, which is for the child involved essentially being “rejected” twice. If you would like to read an excellent essay on that very topic, from someone who grew up in a home of 22 children, 10 of which were adopted, click here to read this post by my friend Penny.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
It will all work out…
and it’s going to be AWESOME.
I’m so proud of you!
1What a well written post. I would stop putting such heavy strain on yourself to rush through your final credits whilst pregnant and working.
I am still two years (at least) away from finishing university thanks to depression, choosing to work full time to get experience, changing majors about fifty-five times and trying to start my own photography business. It is nobody’s business but yours when you finish it and there really rush. I have no intention of rushing finishing, but want to finish before I am 30.
That’s pretty much it. Is it taking the road less travelled? Yes. Do I care? No. I know I am more educated in a real sense than many people I know and I’ll eventually have the piece of paper to prove it. You’re educating yourself right now, just in a different way.
I am extremely clucky and would love to start a family, but I know it is going to be a good four years before we are married, financially prepared (Sydney is EXPENSIVE) and I am ready as a person (have travelled more etc) and are ready for a baby. All M and I know is that we want to be pregnant before we’re thirty, God-willing. I really admire people who take the baby-bull by the horns and get started responsibly but without fear.
Anyway, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You have achieved SO much in the past nine months. It is amazing. I know it will take me longer, because I have to work full-time in a day job until my photography properly takes off. Between full-time work, photography and study I can totally understand your exhaustion and fears about baby, but I have faith you’ll be just fine.
2I think every woman worries about the “right” time to have a baby. God knows when it’s right, and we have to trust that his will is the right way. You’ll get what he planned for you done before the baby - maybe some of it is meant to be left, maybe not.
3Well said Christy, I remind myself of that all the time now!
Jenna, I relate 100% to having plenty of self-doubt at this early time in my pregnancy. As my husband told me, the self-doubt is only indicative of how much I care and love this child already.
Don’t worry, you are going to do wonderfully!
4What? No comments yet about how crazy and foolish she is for not finishing schooling first? I’m surprised.
While it can difficult to finish the degree the longer it takes to do it, there is one important truth to remember…the opportunity to get the degree and work will always be there-maybe it has to wait, but it will always be there. We are only given a limited window of time to have children and have the energy to keep up with them! Do what you, your husband, and God feel is best for your plan in life - - good luck in all your duties…most imporantly, that of MOTHERHOOD!
5The purpose of education, in my opinion, is to better yourself in a field that you love, so that you may go on & work in that field and make money for yourself & your family.
You’re already educated in the field that you love, and you are working in that field & making money for yourself & your family.
That is where I guess I’m stuck.
I agree w/ what Hannah is saying, but disagree that it is the road less traveled. Graduating college is the road less traveled *and* for good reason - it is hard, it is expensive, it is nearly impossible with all the responsibilities we have, and it takes a long time.
You are already as educated as most people ever are in their lives & you’re a successful photographer. You are a wife and mother, and devoted LDS… what more could people possibly ask for?
I just want to encourage you (and hopefully remind you) that God’s plan for everyone isn’t a college education. And I hope no one else expects you to satisfy their plan for you - because that would be going against the very plan you were designed for.
Everything will be just fine. Take your time. Breathe. ENJOY LIFE!
6I love the saying “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” God does everything on God-time - not our time. I think little things happen for reasons and maybe even your doubting now will lead to something else better later. (Butterflies causing tsunamis type of thing.)
I’d say to get as much done towards your degree as you can without driving yourself (or TH) bananas. Someone already commented that the option to go back is always there, but sometimes the school changes requirements, so I’d say the sooner the better… but not as the cost of your stress level or sanity.
Congrats again!
7I so know what you mean about all of the things to do during pregnancy — it goes by SO quickly and it is very easy without that baby demanding your attention the same way it will once it’s born to just let things fall by the wayside. I’ve been wanting to make baby blankets, take a name-brand (ie, Lamaze or Bradley) childbirth class, actually set up a nursery, pick cloth diapers, etc… but there is so much else to do that is non-baby related! But people assure me that all the necessary things will get done somehow, and my sister-in-law spent the first few weeks of her life sleeping in a well-padded dresser drawer because her parents hadn’t had time to get a crib set up.
8I agree with you on a lot of the reasons you have on the importance of parenthood, in sort of a different way. I don’t believe in a pre-mortal existence, but when I consider what the most influential thing I could do with MY life is, I think that helping to form and guide the opinions of one or several new human beings, who could then go on to have their own influence on the world (through parenthood or other vocations) is pretty important. I have never felt that motherhood specifically or parenthood in general was a somehow “lesser” calling than a vocation in the public sphere.
And education… I got my degree before I got pregnant or married, because it was a high priority to both myself and my mom that I finish — I am the first woman in my family line to finish her bachelors, as my mom had to drop out for money reasons her senior year. I considered dropping out at one point to save money, but I realized that if *I* didn’t do this now, I might never come back to it, just like my mom never did. I also had always been “the dumb one” in high school, but achieved really good test scores and wanted to prove that I could do well in college.. I ended up with a Summa Cum Laude that I worked my tail off for and I could not be more proud of. Will I use it (it’s in History — yes, feel free to laugh at me)? Maybe not for a long time. But that was what I wanted and I went for it. Being a mom and a photographer is what you want right now, and you’re going for it, and I don’t think anyone can begrudge you that.
Since this has taken a turn to talking about whether you will finish your degree - I must ask why you didn’t finish it? Most of the people who have responded mentioned money as a reason why many people don’t finish. But it seems like neither money (nor time) was the issue (when you stopped attending) as you mentioned that your parents kindly paid for school and time didn’t seem to be an issue before starting the photo business. *Though it certainly sounds like time is the limiting factor now. *
Good luck!
9It sounds like what’s really missing is motivation - or specifically internal motivation because clearly you’ve got the external motivation (pressure?!) from TH, his parents, several readers, probably your parents, and who knows who else. This is your life - you can Choose to not get your degree or you can Choose to get it. By procrastinating/dragging it out - you are making a choice. (There’s a lot of predestined God talk in the comments - but you’ve talked before about how you believe you have a choice and God doesn’t have it 110% mapped out). It sounds like this has probably been really weighing you down and stressing you out (understandably so). I certainly feel defeated by projects that have been lingering on my to-do list for years (yes years!) especially by those projects that I know I could finish if only I could get started (because there is only a little left to do!). I guess this would be due to our cognitive dissonance - our behaviors are saying we don’t want to do these things (else we wouldn’t be procrastinating) and yet our mind is saying that we do want to finish them (and hence continuing to feel guilty that they are languishing on the to-do list). If our thoughts and behaviors were aligned (i.e., if you told yourself it is okay if you don’t finish your degree, or you change your behavior and work on your degree) you’d probably feel better. There are a few recent posts on unclutter.com about the difficulty in getting started, maintaining momentum, and finishing that last little bit (sounds like where you are at) that may be inspirational. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck and hope that you give yourself permission to make a decision either way - I will do it, and do it now; or I’m not going to do it - so that you will feel less stressed and guilty. Like so many things that I procrastinate on (and feel guilty about) your 17 credits will probably take less time and work than you anticipate - and you (like me) will spent 5x more time agonizing about getting started than the time it will take to actually complete it.
I think parenthood is important. I also think education is important. I don’t think one has to be at the expense of the other. I would encourage you as much as I can to finish up your degree before you have your baby. You’re so close! You already spent so much time and effort (and probably money) on your education. Rah Rah Shish-Coom-Bah! You can do it!
10I have a couple of friends who have had kids while they are in school, and as long as you have a supportive spouse or family member that will watch the baby while you do work and study, you can totally finish school once the baby has come. I would worry, especially in your case, that you don’t have that from TH because of his work schedule, and your family lives far away. So you may very well need to let finishing your degree go for a few years if you don’t finish by April. Which begs the question - is finishing your degree enough of a priority for you that you are willing or able to put Jenna Cole on the back burner while you speedily finish your credits in the next six months? (Because 19 credits is no joke. It’s not a small deal. It’s more than a full courseload for one semester.) Or are you more inclined to let your degree go for awhile longer and focus on growing Jenna Cole? I’m sure a lot of moms out there are gonna tell me that you can totally do it all, but whenever I talk to my friends about having kids, they tell me that while you can try to be a mom that has it all, ultimately you decide that if you try to do everything, you can do it all well but you can’t give it 100% 100% of the time. Many women have the same fears that you have about not getting everything done - and the truth that you may find is that rather than doing everything on their list, they simply make choices about what really matters and let the other stuff go.
11I recall you writing several _months_ ago that you had 19 credit hours left. Here, that number hasn’t changed. So I echo Erin’s concerns, I guess. Do you really want to finish this degree? Why? If you really do, what makes you think you can finish these 19 credit hours in the next 6 months when you didn’t manage to finish any of them in the last 6 months?
I’m not trying to be harsh, but rather realistic… I guess another way I would phrase it is: how do you want to spend your last few baby-free months? Stressing out over papers and exams so your in-laws won’t be disappointed? Or building up your business/ putting together your nursery/ enjoying pregnancy?
Here’s another thought, and I apologize for the long comment: I have been on hiring committees before, and I would have to say that starting and running your own business is much more impressive than just finishing a BA. If what you’re concerned about is going out into the job market when your kids are school-aged, you can slap your business-running experience all over your resume… or just continue being your own boss with Jenna Cole.
Of course, if you want to finish that degree, go get ‘em! But if you decide to put it on hold, don’t let anyone judge you for that.
12I think the only reason I am often confused by the choice to have kids so quickly after marriage is because, especially in Mormon culture, *so much* of your life experiences happen after you’re married already. Without getting to personal, for most Mormons they’ve never lived with a partner, never had sex, etc. before marriage. It just seems strange to me that one would want to jump so quickly into parenthood before really spending a good long while enjoying all of those new experiences. Even my married friends who have had intimate relationships for *years* bemoan the lack of time they have together as adults once the babies come. For me personally, it’s just hard to understand why anyone would want to give that exclusivity up so quickly, when you’ve only been able to have those experiences since you’ve been married- does that make sense? As to the degree, I agree with several other comments- finish it or don’t, put it on pause or knock it out. But this in between just isn’t good for you. Anytime I have a project that is hanging over my head, making me feel guilty, and I keep setting goals and not meeting them, breaking plans, etc., it just makes me feel worse. Sometimes it’s best to admit you’re just not going to do something, and that’s ok. Or, if you want to knock it out, do that as well. But I’d suggest going with one or the other and not continuing in the middle ground of no motivation to finish but feeling guilty about it. You’re a business owner, and that’s awesome! Lots of people with degrees are out of work, and you have people banging your door down. I think you’ll be ok
Erin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:16 am
Hi Sophia! I agree with your comments
There was an argument being made that it is selfish to wait [to have children]. My (childless) husband and I really believe in family focused parenting (as opposed to child focused) - the crux of which is that happy parents make for happy children. We are very excited to have children, but right now we are REALLY enjoying not having them
A perfect example of why it’s sad that Scientologists (for their sake) get such a bad rap. There are just as many crazy, wacked-out cults out there that don’t receive as much scorn as they deserve (Fundamentalist Christians, Mormons, etc.) Radical Islamists may take things to an unprecedented level of evil and inhumanity — but the underlying manner in which they think, their nonsensical devotion to a selfish cause and absolute intolerance of reason and open-mindedness — are all too familiar here in the United States.
R Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 8:13 am
eric, in case you’re “real” I just wanted to let you know that the nature of this comment makes it look as though you are talking about yourself. “nonsensical” and “intolerance of reason and open-mindedness” seem to be a pretty good description for a random comment which is intended to burn the blogger whom one obviously does not understand, despite digging in the archives to come up with something to criticize.
You know, a lot of fundamentalists/radicals have a thought which I have found valuable at times: Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. The underlying meaning is that when you are too blinded by your own superior intellect you may fail to see how others actually know something that you don’t. Be careful.
R Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Jenna, please do not hesitate to delete my comment (and maybe the one to which I responded as well?!).