06 Jan
The Homebirther Judged
I may be openly opinionated concerning my views on birth here on That Wife but those who encounter me in the real world, such as the ladies at church or my friends and family, will find that I volunteer very few details about my pregnancy and birth unless pressed to do so.
Why? Because for the most part people don’t want to hear about my plans. For most people I know birth outside the hospital is unknown territory and it scares them. I have had successful experiences in communicating my intentions and reasoning behind them with some, including my maternal grandmother who may not believe in what I am doing but does acknowledge that I don’t seem to be making this decision lightly. For others though, nothing I say is ever going to help them understand. To understand this choice it’s necessary to examine the issues on a macro level, not a micro one, but it’s impossible for most women to remove personal experiences from their analysis of what constitutes a good decision. Most mothers seem to have one reason or another where medical intervention was absolutely necessary, be it in the form of extra ultrasounds, bleeding after birth, necessary c-sections because of poorly positioned babies, or the use of instruments (such as forceps or vacuum) to help the baby out. Statistics don’t help when experiences like that have been endured.
At the gathering of my maternal side of the family the birth came up but instead of the criticism I was expecting I found a little bit of excitement. An aunt of mine has no interest in home birth for herself, but told me she has always wanted to know someone who had one. My great-grandma wanted to know if I am planning on using a doula because she just read a novel that involved one. I was pleased with how the conversation went and hoped that it might help family members feel a bit more comfortable with my decision when baby decides to come.
I was very happy to hear from my mom that birth was being declared “off the table” at the other sides family gathering. A few of these relatives are rather opinionated and I didn’t want Christmas to turn into a birth fight (don’t we already have enough to fight about at Christmas without adding birth and babies to the mix?). I held true to the agreement, although others couldn’t seem to resist bringing it up. I tried to keep things light and did my best to move on as I that wasn’t the place or time to get into a serious conversation on the subject.
Unfortunately certain relatives weren’t ready to let things go. My mom rushed over to me with laptop in hand (I had lent it out so an aunt could look at some pictures I had taken of her daughters) and told me she thought I should take it before the following was published here on That Wife on Christmas day (never mind that I find it laughable that readers would even for a moment think my writing sounds anything like what you will find below). When I read what was written I laughed it off (remember, I was trying to be good and keep the holidays light and happy) but inside I was burning with anger, sadness, and frustration.
I have seen the light…
after a thoughtful trip home for Christmas I have decided that I’ve been foolish and crazy and I’m going to have my baby safely in a hospital…YUP you heard it here first! I realized that the purpose of the hospital is to guarantee that my baby is going to get the best opportunity for a safe delivery and how that affects me doesn’t matter as I’m going to be a mom now and put my babys safety first. thanks to my wonderful family for their support through this tough time for me, I’m excited to be a mom and have this addition to our family…that mom
To this relative, and to many others, my decision to birth outside the hospital reeks of immaturity, irrationality, and stupidity. They’ve had babies so they know, I haven’t so I don’t. Nevermind that I can talk for hours about topics such as epidurals, episiotomies, forceps, c-sections, pitocin, oxytocin, cytotec, gestational diabetes, pre-ecclampsia, shoulder dystocia, breech birthing techniques, VBAC, meconium in the amniotic fluid, premature rupture of membranes, and many others. Could they?
I know what all of those things are and some of the risks and advantages associated with them not because I had a baby, but because I decided to take charge of my own birthing experience. Educating myself has become a priority and I take it very seriously.The overwhelming mindset of women around me seems to be that you can’t possibly know anything about birth until you actually experience it, and are thus unequipped to make wise decisions concerning the birth of my child. My favorite response to this mindset has been expressed by many other natural birth advocates before me: If experience is necessary to make one informed on a topic, male obstetricians certainly have no place delivery babies. Childless female obstetricians as well for that matter.
Happily, we don’t choose our doctors based on who has given birth. We choose them based on their experience, and the time they have devoted to learning about their trade and increasing their skills. A first year medical student doesn’t know as much as a third year, and a recent graduate still has years to go before they know as much as the man who recently retired from practicing. But we acknowledge that because of study and time the graduate at least knows something, and we respect him because of the effort he has put forth. I will never know as much as an OB, or a midwife, or any other experienced birth attendant, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also fall into the category of a person who knows something. And I do know something. A lot more than something actually.
And so dear friends and family who criticize me because of my decision, I urge you to take the time to sit down face-to-face (or we can do it through email) and have an intelligent discussion with me. Let’s attempt to learn from each other, and find a way to foster mutual respect. Laughing at me behind my back though, only displays ignorance and fear. And it makes me cry.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
Ugh, that is so terrible. Family is supposed to be your 100% support, even if they don’t 100% agree. I hope you are able to move ahead from this. Focus on the people in your life who are behind you, helping you along, and try to block out all the other negativity.
1I’m so sorry you had/have to deal with that kind of behavior from anyone, let alone your family members. I applaud you for your willingness to have an educated discussion and hope that your family members take you up on it in an open-minded manner.
2this is exactly why my home-birthing in a big tub sister didn’t tell anyone (except my mom and myself) of her plans. when asked she simply told people she was giving birth in a local hospital. she didn’t want people to worry and she didn’t want to deal with the criticism. I do applaud you for taking it head on though. I hope your family learns to respect your decision. (and for your fam that is reading my sister birthday an 8lb 6oz baby girl with a huge head with no meds in a tub in her living room. She is a Rockstar and has already inspired me to carefully way my decisions when its my turn). Best of luck Jenna!
3wow I can not spell apparently. my apologies for the above!
4Jenna,
I’m so sorry that the holidays had to bring such an icky thing. You are very informed, and I believe making an informed choice on your birth. I vote for more acceptance and tolerance from all sides of the birth debate. It would be so nice if we could talk openly and also if a real discussion could happen so that WHEREVER a woman chooses to give birth, she receives support and comfort. Women cutting each other off at the knees everytime this discussion occurs is so sad and counterproductive.
I’m planning a doula-assisted, med-free birth in a hospital some time in the next 4 weeks. Wish me luck!
For all the mommies-to-be out there - wishing you all the births that you plan for and that you won’t receive judgement from others, regardless of your choice.
Erin Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 12:13 am
I agree! Being a mother, parenting, pregnancy, labor - these are all very challenging things. We need to support other women, not judge them. Everyone needs to do what is best for their family.
Um, I am appalled that your family member did that. Incredibly rude and immature. And I am so impressed that you were mature and collected enough to laugh it off. My brother and I were both born at home with absolutely no complications and beautiful births. Jenna, I think it really helps that you are a YOUNG mom. As much as I’d like to do a home birth, I don’t think I will, because I will be in my mid-30s by the time I have my first, and I just think being younger makes it all easier. I totally applaud your decision. The home birth is REALLY no one’s business but your own. Remember that, and remember that you are doing the right thing for you!!! (And also — I think many of the “complications” that occur during hospital births that necessitate C-sections aren’t really complications, but rather a result of the medical industry’s fear of lawsuits.)
6Oh Jenna, that makes me so upset! Do they realize that there is research behind homebirth? Not just the research you’ve done, but research that real researchers that get paid real money have done concerning the safety of homebirth.
I’m so sorry. No person should deal with criticism like that from their family. Especially when you are making a safe decision.
I can relate a little bit. When I was at a baby shower someone said “did you all know Abbie is planning to go natural?” A group of about 20 women turned to me and gasped and said “WHY would you do that?” (okay, maybe not all all of them gasped and said that, but some did). I only had one friend say “I think that’s really cool! You’re going to be great!” And three other women followed up with horror stories. It was just fantastic to be in a big group of my friends being made fun of for doing something I had put so much time and energy researching. I still love all of those friends (like you still love your family), but it hurts even more when it comes from people you love and when you’re already super sensitive about the subject (and pregnant, for heaven’s sake!).
I don’t think anything like that would happen with my current group of friends here in NY. Half the women have gone natural and there are some homebirthers. Just move here:).
If it makes any difference, you know I support you 100%. Homebirth is safe. Your midwife is educated and experienced.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:08 am
This is why I won’t be doing a baby shower before the birth. I’ve had several lovely offers (including some sweet women from our ward who I adore!) but I’m just not interested in feeling like I have to tip-toe through the whole thing in hopes that the home birth doesnt’ come up and I don’t have to defend myself.
I’ve been reading recently about Blessingways. Why isn’t this something we do anymore?!??!?!?! An event where women gather to support and show their love for the new mom, not in material gestures but in words and kindness and love? Maybe if we do biz school at Columbia I’ll be able to do one for a natural-minded mommy I know who is currently living there
This is probably one of your most mature and well-written, well-thought out posts. The way you handled the situation with your family should be applauded. I don’t think many would/could have handled it with such grace. I also particularly love what you said connecting experience and male obstetricians. So so smart. You’re making the right decision for *you* (and baby) and that is what’s most important.
8I’m confused — is the text in the box in your post something that someone else wanted you to post here? Sorry I’m probably missing something.
For some reason there is such judgment around all aspects of motherhood. Be confident in your choice, and forgive those who judge and criticize. I wish you all the best and can’t wait to hear more about your pregnancy journey…
9don’t let anyone get you down about your choice…it’s your baby…your life…my old boss’ wife home-birthed 10 of their 13 kiddos with no problem…they had a wonderful midwife. I don’t think when they first started their quest to birth at home they had done nearly as much research/information as you! You have picked a choice that is right for you and know that YOU are the one that has to be happy with your choice…no one else. Honestly when we get pregnant I think I will definitely look into homebirth. It’s a wonderful opportunity for mom/baby/dad and any other family that wants to be part of your amazing day. Keep strong and keep the faith!
10That is so hurtful. I’m sorry that happened to you.
11Oh god, the mommy wars. I in no way have a baby in my belly but I see the wars regardless in the blogosphere. So much “I know more than you” blah blah blah. I can’t stand it. As far as I’m concerned, everyone should make their own informed choices - don’t judge others for having drug-assisted hospital births and vice versa. Everyone does what’s right for them. The end. Play nice, moms. It’s not the end of the world for someone to make a different choice than you would have made. Truly. I have a number of preggo friends, and everyone loves to tell them what to do. Drives me crazy.
12It is strange…I just found out I am pregnant with my second child (first one is six). I am STRONGLY thinking about a birthing center this time around because my first birth was HORRIBLE. I had the worst experience, not with the hospital per se, but with everything else. I figured this time around, I will do things in a totally different way than what I did with my first. Mind you, I was 17 when I had my first child and the whole situation was scary and intimidating, but I should not have had to go through the things I did. I am touring a birthing center Saturday to see what I think. It is directly across the street from a hospital (just in case) and I believe you see an OB/GYN as well as a midwife and nurse. I can appreciate your decision because it is probably best to have your first in a hospital. However, if you find that you didn’t care for the experience or want to experience birth in a different light, you have another option for your next child. Email me if you want to know anything further. saharracogswell@q.com
13I really don’t understand this culture that we seem to live in where it’s acceptable and even encouraged to try to scare the pants off of new/expecting mothers. What ever happened to the sisterhood? I have two newly pregnant friends and at one bridal shower the mom-to-be had to leave crying because the other women (her FRIENDS and FAMILY) were taunting her so badly about how pianful/awful childbirth is.
I really admire the way you stick to your guns. Disagreeing with family is always a sticky prospect and while I can understand that they may come from truly wanting what is best for you, the way they go about it seems spiteful and mean. Using your computer to type a fake post? Very invasive of your privacy - and I don’t think for a second any of us would have boutght that “YUP!” and thought it was you
Way to be a trooper
14Jenna — I read this entry this morning and thought of you
http://julia-transition.blogspot.com/2010/01/crunchy-granola-stuff.html
both yours and hers were well thought out and reasoned without being snarky. As an unmommied lady that thinks often of the impending decision to create a child and then where to have it safely and responsbily I really appreciate hearing from all sides of all aisles. xxx
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:10 am
Julia and I definitely have very different views, but I love her approach to pregnancy and enjoy reading about her journey.
Wow. Just wow.
Sorry that this all came up over Christmas. Kinda hard to enjoy the spirit of the holiday with all this swirling in your head.
16We are currently ttc and homebirth is what I’m aiming for. Every single one of my Aunts and Uncles were born at home, my youngest Uncle was born in the early 70′s so were not talking ancient history and they were born only 30 minutes away from the nearest hospital. I’ve watched my sister be bullied into being induced(before what she knew was her actual due date.) which led to a C-Section(the docs shift was almost over and he wanted to go home. He actually told her that.)
It saddens me that your family can’t follow the “if you don’t have anything nice to say” rule especially about something that is obviously very close to your heart and something that you have spent a lot of time educating yourself on. Nothing is worse than trying to explain your stance on something to someone who refuses to even listen.
I enjoy reading your blog because you are a lovely talented woman who has made an informed descision on something very big. I also enjoy the fact that you are a pretty average woman, ie your not a granola crunching hippy who lives in the woods and doesn’t shave, not that theres anything wrong with that, some of my good friends are hippys and I’m one at heart. What I mean is that you are more main stream and this is the choice you’ve made and although it’s being met with some resistance it seems like you are getting a lot of support and have maybe even opened some eyes.
So I hope you know how special that is.
Ergh..sorry for the long babbling comment.
17After having my second, I’m way more into the ‘mommies not judging each other’ stuff. Not only the breastfeeding difficulties with this one has made me that way, but also remembering the dirty looks I always got in public when my first son was little. He had a esophogus surgery the day he was born and because of it, his cough always sounds bad, even when he’s perfectly healthy and just coughing to clear some food or something. I had people tell me he had croup and give me dirty looks as if how I could possibly take this sick child out in public with me. I now take a moment and try to think rationally before judging people (if at all).
I truly commend you Jenna for your reading and education. Everyone should be so well-read. I support your decision and don’t think less of you or think you are stupid. My only hestitations for anyone choosing less than usual medical care and home birthing come from my experiences. It’s difficult for me to remove the possiblity of something happening unexpected and scary and it hangs over my head with more weight than others who’ve had little or no problems with their babies arrival (in hospital or at home). With Kyle, I always lived in a world that knew something could go wrong and I was delightfully and thankfully wrong when everything turned out fine. It’s as if I’ve lost my ‘i know what’s go to happen’ ‘of course everything will be alright’ innocence.
Mind you, I haven’t had problems with either actual birth per se - they both went well - but with Grant, even after all the medical attention I got, we and the doctors still didn’t know that he had the incomplete esphogus. He appeared okay in the beginning, but very quickly was going downhill because not only could he not eat, but his trachea was also connected to his esphogus and his breathing was compromised. Precious moments would have been lost if we weren’t in a medical facility. I don’t tell you these things to scare - I KNOW that situations like these are not likely to happen and my situation was fairly unique. I think I’m mature enough to realize that and not try to scare people into thinking ‘since it happened to me it will happen to you.’ BUT my reservations about limited medical help come from a real place. (this also coming from a gal who lately is not a fan of doctors and the medical world right now!:)
That all said - - because of your studying and reading, you will go through with whatever decisions regardless of who in the blogosphere (or even those in your family) support you. Your mind and heart tells you what is best for you, your husband is on board (which is most important), and I know that you know you don’t need our pats on the back to get through this.
But just know, I support you.
Regina Lynn Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Did your son have esophageal atresia? Because it sounds exactly like the birth defect with which my younger brother was born. And he was born very safely at home. The midwife realized something was wrong before she had finished the routine post-birth things, as my mom was trying to nurse Little Bro. Midwife stayed overnight and before morning had diagnosed him, as well as she could without having the equipment for a barium swallow, etc. So the next morning, off my parents went to the hospital. The doctor there, after laughing off the midwife’s diagnosis, simply because it came from a midwife, did a few totally WRONG tests, said he had some kind of infection, and sent them home with antibiotics. Thankfully, my parents had better sense than to believe that guy. One of my uncles is a family doctor who accepts the education and knowledge of home birth midwives- he too believed Little Bro had an esophageal atresia and began calling around, looking for a specialist. Of course, Little Bro was born on a holiday weekend, so getting an appointment with a specialist was difficult. But, finally, an appointment was made, the (much-older-than-the-first-doctor) took one look at Little Bro, who was obviously becoming dehydrated, stated “This is one sick little baby!”, got on the phone, and ordered the necessary tests that confirmed the midwife’s original suspicions. So, at only a few days old, Little Bro also went through surgery.
So, yes, my brother could have died. But not because he was born at home. Only because the first doctor was an arrogant, ignorant, blankity-blank-blank.
Not that I’m trying to attack your point or anything. It’s just that so often I hear people say that home birth isn’t safe enough because “What if something’s wrong with the baby?!” There is nuh.thing. a hospital can do to save a newborn baby (like stuff that has to be done immediately after birth) that a midwife can’t. And a good midwife will know what is normal and what is not (before AND after birth, mom AND baby) and definitely when it’s good and wise to head to the hospital.
And again, I can definitely see your point of view, but I just wanted to clear up some misunderstandings.
Katy Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Yes, he did have an EA, but he also had a tracheoesphogeal fistula (heaven only knows if I spelled that right) or a TEF, which means his trachea was also connected to his esphogus. And he has Down syndrome. It was darn good thing I didn’t feed him (wouldn’t have done any good because of the EA) but also because it would have gotten into his lungs.
I’m glad your mom had such an attentive midwife - I’m really not trying to claim that if the slighest thing goes wrong, a midwife couldn’t handle it and that the hospital staff magically always can. A lot of my reservations just come from my very scary, dark days early on when he had the surgery, we found out about his Down syndrome, etc. It will forever hang over my head and influence my decision to be in a hospital environment, but I hope I’m not too sweepingly dramatic to assume all women will experience problems and that those problems can always/only be remedied by a doctor in a hospital.
Which leads me to my next point - - - I laughed out loud when you said “…doctor was an arrogant, ignorant, blankity-blank-blank.” In my own experiences with doctors lately (military doctors-my husband is AF) and with the MANY experiences with MANY different doctors for my son….what you wrote is currently, EXACTLY how I’m feeling!
I know these doctors have studied and deserve my respect for their education and training…but I’m getting so sick of doctors that think they know EV-ER-Y-THING and are appalled by the fact that you may not believe or agree with them.
Don’t get me started on the medical profession right now…I’ve about had it! (And sorry to go off on this tangent:} )
Evelyn Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Haha… Katy, I’m a military brat and I think most of the military doctors our family saw would fit into that category (I’m the fourth of six and now 27, so we’re talking about a while ago and many diff. doctors).
My mom always tells a story about one particular incident when a doctor refused to believe my mom’s observations with a child and was looking for something “deeper.” Of course my mom was on the mark and the doctor wasn’t… one of these days they’ll start teaching (more effective) classes in med school about listening to the patient & their instincts.
Liz Reply:
June 15th, 2013 at 9:38 am
I’m a fan of homebirth, and I had one, but it can be hard to get the right kind of help in time. Our son was having trouble breathing as the cord stopped pulsing, and we called 911 to transfer to the hospital, but the paramedics took him away from me and the midwife and then had a really hard time treating him (couldn’t intubate him, weren’t sure they were using the oxygen bag right) and he ended up dying. We still don’t know why he died and whether the paramedics had anything to do with it, but if he’d been born in the hospital he would have been treated an hour earlier than he actually was. Of course if he’d been born in the hospital he could have had other problems, or I could have. Who knows. I guess I just want people to take transfer into account when they consider a homebirth. I assumed we’d call 911 and we’d be at the hospital 10 minutes later. (We live less than 6 miles away, on major roads.) We didn’t get there for almost an hour and my son was already seizing at that point and had sustained severe, irreparable brain damage.
Jenna Reply:
June 15th, 2013 at 10:09 am
Liz that would be devastating. I’m so sorry.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:13 am
I think one of the most often overlooked aspects of birth is the necessity that the mother feel comfortable in her birth setting. I believe very strongly in the Fear-Tension-Pain principle, and if I were to force you to have a home birth the experience would likely be torturous for you since you would spend the entire time thinking about how you want to be somewhere where you feel safe. When I really boil it down, that’s the reasoning behind my home birth choice. My experience will be the best it can be when I am in an environment where I feel safe.
Katy Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 10:46 am
That’s extremely well put. We should all be where we feel safe, comfortable, and at ease (as much as possible at least!)
For me, that would be in a more medical environment, for others, it would be a different facility or place.
I think you hit this whole hospital vs. home thing on the head!
It really is disappointing to see how many people don’t have an open mind about these things. What I don’t understand is: Women were doing natural homebirths for HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of years before hospitals. Now all of a sudden, if you don’t have a your baby in a hospital, something will definitely go wrong. Huh? Sorry, that logic doesn’t work for me. The practitioners know a lot more now than they did then. The only thing I would make sure you are thinking about is that if something does go wrong and a hospital is required, you are prepared for that. And that you are within a reasonable distance from one.
19Ugh that sounds horrible. I could not imagine someone doing that to me…and at Christmas!
I honestly think that both sides are very judgmental about birthing choices. I haven’t had kids yet, and frankly it makes me want to keep my mouth shut about my birth whether or not I have it at home because I have family members who are very opinionated on both sides of the home birth/hospital camp. You have the support of your husband and close family, and you think you are making the right decision. That is what matters the most! Feel better!
Hannah Reply:
January 10th, 2010 at 6:21 am
I have to agree, I think that both sides can be extremely judgemental. I have found the home birth movement to be particularly so, as if women who choose a more intervention ‘ridden’ path have somehow failed as women or are ignorant. I am not sure whether my experience on the subject is just particularly unfortunate, though.
Jenna, I am really sorry that you are being in treated in the way you have by your family. I feel as though I have been very well educated about birth (on some levels) by your posts and have found them interesting. I don’t agree with all of it, but I totally respect your decisions and see that you do them from an educated perspective. I just can’t believe anyone would go so far as to sign in under your name and write a completely false statement on your behalf!
I do want to ask if you have changed your opinions in terms of women choosing hospital/medication as taking the ‘easy’ or ‘lazier’ way out? I don’t mean to be facetious, I just guess whether the judgement you have experienced has made you view those women you previously judged in a different way?
Again, this is asked with respect and a genuine like for you. I did feel as though some of your posts in the past have judged women who choose a different path to your preference just as you have been judged yourself and I am just curious as to whether your views have changed in the respect. No judgement, as such, is meant by this question!
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:49 am
Although I freely admit to struggling with the idea of accepting the choice for a women to schedule a c-section for convenience sake or because she is afraid of pain (this one makes no sense to me because recovery from surgery is very painful, they know this right?) I most certainly don’t think that choosing an intervention ladened birth experience is easier. Pitocin? Harder/faster/closer contractions. Epidural? Possibility of spinal headache (and the lack of those wonderful hormones that flood the body once the baby crowns). C-section? Abdominal pain, risk of uterine rupture with future pregnancies, increased possibility of death due to surgical complications. None of those sound easy to me! I may come across that way because I think that when you choose interventions you miss out on other things, or put yourself at a greater risk of missing out on those things, but I certainly have no problem with women who know their options, do their research,
It is those who walk blindly into the situation that I most struggle with. They never consider alternative pain management techniques. They never look into what the benefits of NOT having an epidural might be. And it is often the women who choose not to have one who are ridiculed and mocked (beforehand). Maybe my perception would be different if women would be less flippant about such important choices (GIVE ME THE DRUGS) and present their decisions in a more thought-out and careful manner. The birth of a baby is a life-changing event!
That’s such a passive-aggressive way of going about it.
I guess the silver lining is that you know they’re meddling because they care about your health and the baby’s. They may be offering uninformed and unwelcome opinions, but ultimately, they’re motivated by genuine concern.
21Amen, amen, amen, amen! Enough amens?
First off, glad everyone’s backing you. But seriously, if we didn’t love your/your blog/your POV, why would we read? Exactly.
Secondly, my Brother/SIL are homebirthing their 1st who is due February 10th. We don’t know it’s gender either, so this’ll be exciting. And they knew they’d get a stellar review when they told me their plans (tub, doula, midwife, etc).
And lastly, I’m dying of excitement to finally hear your birth story. After you get all the cuddle time you need. Of course.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:13 am
I’m dying to experience my birth story. Is it weird that I’m really, really looking forward to the whole thing? I’ve spent so much time preparing for it that I don’t dread it at all!
i have to hand it to you jenna, you handle all the criticism concerning your birth plans with grace and maturity. i’m not sure i could stay so level-headed. i wish you a wonderful birth experience!
23It’s so strange to me, hearing how much of a butt-in-skie mothers can be in others’ lives. It IS a medical decision after all, not to mention PERSONAL.
Do you think cancer patients go around telling everyone else with cancer how they should do their treatment? I don’t think so! Every situation is different in a thousand different ways.
I’m so sorry, but it sounds like you handled it with more grace and composure than can be said for your relatives… even if they were only acting out of misguided love.
Erin Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 12:18 am
Sadly spent a bit of time working on a pediatric Hem/Onc unit - and parents were telling other parents to get on this protocol (of drugs) or switch to this place for tx or time the bone marrow transplant…. Everyone wants to be an expert. People take anecdotal evidence and run with it. And judge and judge and judge. People need to decide for themselves, with their families, with their medical providers what is best for them. So frustrating how much we want to judge and cut-down instead of support. I’m trying to be more introspective and notice when I’m doing this to others.
I think that it might just be a situation where you need to make your choice & stick with it & defend it as you feel fit. But to expect that anyone is going to try and mutually respect such a controversial decision… I think you’re going to end up feeling let down (as you already do). It’s like politics - while it’s fine to talk about your opinion and why you’ve come to it, most people really don’t care about anything but their *own* opinion on it… unless they’re already in the mindset of wanting to learn/change. And if they were in that mindset, you would know (you mentioned a couple family members who were).
Instead of asking them to appreciate, respect, or understand your decision - I would simply ask them to remember that you are their family member, and TRUST that you know what you’re doing with YOUR baby. If they can’t trust that at least, then there is no reason even wasting time on reaching some sort of… agreement.
Use that energy elsewhere - like here - where there are 100′s of women reading, learning, and enjoying these posts… maybe even being influenced by them!
I have to ask you this, because I’m seriously wondering. With the high weight-gain you have mentioned, I know you know that it puts you at much higher risk for gestational diabetes and pre-ecclampsia. Is your midwife still considering you low-risk, even though you’re not full term yet and still have more weight you will probably gain? And what are you going to do if your weight influences your blood pressure, causing complications?
I know you prepare yourself, so I just want to know how you’re going to handle those situations. Is it as simple as a hospital transfer? Or will your midwife even deliver if you’re already showing signs of pre-e & GD?
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:15 am
My mom and I disagreed over politics for the first time this Christmas, and it was strange. Made me really feel like an adult, and made me realize that it’s probably best we leave those discussions off the table.
And I think I answered your question about GD in my midwife appt post. If I rank very high on the GD test she’s going to make me transfer :(.
It is difficult to imagine how anyone could think that such an approach would be helpful in changing your mind and making you and your baby healthier. Maybe their pregnancy/birthing books told them that a woman’s hormones will change in pregnancy to make it so that she is entirely insensitive?
Good job with the mature response!
26I am SHOCKED that adults could act so childishly. While in my current non-pregnant state I don’t see myself as a homebirth girl, I respect ANYONE who does their research to select what’s right for them. (The same goes for politics!!! Do your research!)
You have done your research- all that you should and beyond. I am so sorry that you have to deal with immature backlash. Keep your head held high proudly!
27That would have been horrible. I can’t imagine anyone would do that!!!
When you have your healthy baby, none of this will matter.
Keep smiling, and posting!
28While I personally wouldn’t have a home birth-I’m cool with other people making decisions that work best for them/their family/their beliefs etc. Every person/baby/family is different and expecting everyone to fit into one box and then thinking your personal box is best just rubs me the wrong way. Don’t even get me started on trying to force someone else into your box if they don’t want to.
I can not believe your relative was going to try and post under your name. For one, why are they logging on to your blog in the first place? 2nd, that is some serious passive agressive nonsense and they need to respect your decision. And on the holiday’s no less. Just disrespectful in so many ways.
29Ugh! So sorry you had to deal with that. And for the reference, I did NOT learn much about birth from having a baby. I learned about myself, and my birth, but I didn’t learn anything new about the process, the risks, the complications, what’s normal, what should be normal, etc. You don’t have to have a baby to be knowledgeable in the subject. Good for you for being mature about it, even if others couldn’t.
BTW, I recently read an article about how the low end of normal thyroid levels in pregnant women correlates with poorly positioned babies and an increase risk of assisted delivery (including cesareans). Because of my rapid weight gain and our birth experience, I wonder if that might have been part of our problem. Just something you might want to look into! If you would like the article, let me know and I’ll try to find it for you.
30Jenna, I deeply respect you for your decision! It’s very smart to educate one’s self about this - and then to make an educated decision about what kind of birth YOU want to have.
31It’s YOUR choice, and I’m sorry that some have judged you negatively based on it. I’m very proud of you for being so determined and smart in your wishes for the health of you & your baby.
Ugh. Jenna. I’m sorry. Hopefully the supportive comments here will help balance that junky experience out.
It amazes me that so many women think the hospital is the one and only perfectly safe place for every woman to have her baby. Like one commenter above said, women have been giving birth outside the hospital a LOT longer than inside…
Like many other moms I felt that it was best to have my baby in the hospital…. I figured I could just have my natural, un-medicated birth where quick access to medical assistance could be had. Unfortunately, having my natural, un-medicated birth in a place where un-medicated births are NOT the norm CAUSED the problems I had because the nurse assisting me (and pretty much all of the nurses on shift) were unfamiliar with the process of natural birth. Medicated they could handle, un-medicated… no way.
32Every patient is allowed to make an “informed decision” about their medical care. As long as they know and understand both sides of a decision, they should be allowed to make that decision freely. I believe that you certainly do, and so be it! Others have no right to interfere, family, friends, readers or doctors.
The only correction I’d like to to make to your post if the thought that a recent “graduate” surely does not know more than a doctor retiring from practice. I think that is quite contrary to the truth. Although more experience is always valuable, medicine is a very dynamic field with more and more data and research is always coming out. As a recent graduate from a top-notch busy academic program, I probably know much more about current medicine than many practicing doctors out there in the community. I know this is the case, when I see referring patients come to my institution and they blatantly have not received the best care from the community and they are coming to see me. Many of these retiring doctors have to retire, because simply they cannot keep up.
I know this post is not about this, but as a reader I feel I must speak up about this common misconception.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:18 am
Good point Lynn! Interesting because when it comes to matters like birth, some people want to search out someone older because he will be more experienced, but sometimes older means not as well versed in the latest technological developments. If I have a c-section I most definitely want a newer doctor doing it as I think most OBs now have switched over to methods of stitching up the uterus and such that make VBACs more likely.
The first thing that came to my mind is how immature that family member action was. It’s saddening actually.
The second thing is birth is a private mater. I mean who goes around asking pregnant woman: “hey are you planning a home or hospital birth”? No one.
You have made the matter public, it is controversial for many and people will feel invited to offer their opinion.
Thankfully you are well self-educated on the subject.
Thank you for sharing that aspect of your pregnancy too. When my husband will be ready for a little one, it’s definitely the road we would like to take, so it’s nice to see what people before go through and have to prepare themselves for.
Looking forward to hear more about it.
Kelli Nicole Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:31 am
This is awful Jenna! I’m sorry this happened, but thanks for sharing so we can all support you.
Cecy, one time I met up with a single guy friend (never been married, no kids, not studying medicine, nothin’) when I was with my pregnant sister and he had the audacity to ask her if she was having an epidural or not! And when she said “no” he THEN said something along the lines of “OH, you’ll WANT one” as if he had so much knowledge of the subject. I seriously couldn’t believe how strangers could (and do) butt into the lives of a pregnant woman as if everyone is a part of that child’s life now.
Brie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Yep, after knowing him for all of three minutes, his exact words were “Oh, I bet you’ll be screaming for one.” And I actually had TONS of people ask where I was having the baby, and I chose to lie to most of them. Not sure that’s really any better. When it comes to pregnancy, birth and child rearing, everyone thinks they know better than you and you need them to gift you with their knowledge. A woman lifted up my smiling daughter’s bib yesterday to make sure I wasn’t choking her with the sling. Once you conceive, you become the target of lots of inappropriate questions and comments that you never would have imagined!
Cécy Reply:
January 8th, 2010 at 7:24 am
That story is crazy. I guess because it wouldn’t come to my mind to ask people such questions I don’t expect people to.
I can understand such a conversation if it’s brought in I guess, you know in an environment where you wish to discuss it with family and friends… Wow, it’s going to be hard when it’ll be our turn, I’m such a control freak it won’t be easy on me.
Maybe people’s stupidity is only a way to teach yourself patience to deal with your own kids
Thank you for sharing that story Kelli and Brie, it’s quite enlightening.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:38 am
Re the “screaming for one” comment: Don’t you just want to reply with “Yes of course you would be screaming for one, you’re a man and men are babies?” Drives me bonkers when men talk about the pain of childbirth as if they know/could know anything about it!
Wow! What nerve that relative of yours has!
35I am confused where the comment came from, did someone type it on your computer.
Family dynamics are confusing, at best. Everyone rarely agrees and everyone always seems to have an opinion on how something should or should not go. Here is my advice, I have been playing this family game for years now, just let them hate. As hard as it is, pretend they don’t exist because any validation from you just adds more fuel to the fire and then family events become even more awkward.
It’s easier said than done because I am always crying to Sean about the awful things my family has said to me, but the only thing you have to worry about is TH and you and the family you are creating, everyone else’s opinions be damned.
36Just like everyone else who’s commented, my heart breaks for you.
37I am not comfortable with the idea of home birth for my second child, because of the complications with my first delivery, but I TOTALLY respect your decision to do it in a way that makes you most comfortable, while still maintaining the safety of your baby. For this family member to insinuate that you’re ignoring your baby’s needs by giving birth at home is just ridiculous. For pete’s sake… you’re getting pre-natal care and being attended by a professional. It’s not like you’re squatting in a field!
Moreover, I can’t imagine wanting to regale you with stories about how my first delivery was complicated, just to try to sway you toward hospital birth. What good does that do anyone? I can’t tell you the number of women who’ve come up to me during my three months of extreme sickness in this pregnancy and said, “oh, you know, I was that way all 9 months with my third baby”, or some crap like that. Seriously, WHO DOES THAT HELP? It stressed me out, made me lose hope that I’d ever feel better, and lead to me being pretty dadgum depressed throughout my entire first 16 weeks of pregnancy.
I’m totally with you… we need to be fostering an atmosphere of respect, above all, for woman who make informed decisions. Regardless of whether or not it’s something I understand or would do myself, I can respect that you’ve done your homework and it’s what works for YOU.
Good luck, Jenna. I imagine you’ll have to deal with this same sort of thing for another 4 months, but what a blessing when That Baby is born strong and healthy and all the naysayers have to eat their words!
Oh my goodness! Some people are so sure that their opinion is correct — unfortunately it is usually those who are most uninformed. Thankfully this holiday is over and hopefully you won’t have to endure many more “face to face” encounters. Just stick to your guns, Jenna. You’ve done your best to plan the best method for you and Baby. Don’t let others sway you.
38Jenna, I love that you are making your own birth plan, with decisions made by an immense amount of research and thought on your part. I can’t wait to hear your perspective after you have been through it all firsthand. Thank you for giving your readers so much insight into this very personal decision!
39Jenna, that’s awful. I can relate in a way because I am similarly sensitive about the fact that my husband and I both chose to keep our own last names and pass both down to our future children, and both my relatives and his have ruined holidays berating me for not loving my husband enough. I imagine this sort of treatment for “not loving your child enough” hurts in much the same way.
My mom gave birth naturally to 12 children. Four were hospital births, the other 8 were homebirths. She will tell you that there is no better experience than homebirth- and the children in our family are completely healthy. You are making a valid decision. Much like my last name decision, not everyone will agree with it. It’s not for everyone. But if it is for YOU, then no one else should volunteer their opinion. That’s not right- and you were right to handle it so graciously when your relative did not deserve such kindness.
As far as scarring mothers-to-be… my mom has always said that during her births, she visualized Jesus. Knowing that you’re of strong faith like my mom is, I know that you will be able to have the birth that God designed for you. And regardless of what everyone else says, that birth will be the BEST possible birth for your baby. Hang tight. I would be crying too
40Ummm, does anyone besides me think that everyone is just overreacting a bit? I think this was obviously meant to be a joke (though a bit mean-spirited) and if the relative who wrote it was really spiteful, she would have done something a little more drastic. Obviously she meant it to be found and laughed at. When we are really gossipy and spiteful, we don’t want the person to hear or see about it, we feel guilty.
On the other hand, obviously Jenna is a little sensitive right now because she has had to explain herself a lot.
My question is: Has Jenna ever successfully answered the criticism (posed in the text) that having a home birth is for the (selfish) comfort of the mother, not the well-being of the child?
Erin Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Jenna has written several posts regarding her decision and discussed in detail the criticism and her responses. As far as the “selfish comfort of the mother” - I don’t think she is choosing to give birth at home because her bed is more comfortable than the hospital bed - or because experiencing pain is more comfortable than an epidural
So while I don’t think comfort is on her list of reasons, she does list several reasons including the health and well-being of the child. Per her posts, she also is not resistant to additional medical care as needed. All of this is in her “pregnancy” tags. Finally, a lot of people discuss the mother’s well-being and the child’s well-being as though they are mutually exclusive. However the health (emotional and physical well-being) of the mother DOES effect the child’s emotional and physical well-being. Happy reading as you look through past posts. Jenna’s way is not for everyone, but she’s made a great case on why it is perfect for HER.
Sophia Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Cath-Bot, I would agree that the problem was not the joke in and of itself, but I have a problem with the passive aggressive implication that Jenna had “seen the light” after a thoughtful Christmas, because, ya know, she hasn’t *really* thought through this whole homebirth thing.
Anyone who has taken the time to read through the posts on pregnancy would have to admit that while you might disagree with Jenna’s decision, NO ONE in their right mind could brush aside her decision as thoughtless, selfish, or misguided. Certainly you or I could read the same information and come to a different conclusion and an opinion on it, but if we’ve both taken the time to read and study something the most we can say is “we disagree”. The tone of the comment by the relative implied Jenna was being a selfish, impetuous girl who randomly decided “Gee, homebirth sounds neato!”
And I’d agree with Erin, while a lot of aspects of birthing center/homebirth are focused on treating the mother differently- and many feel, better- than she will be treated in the hospital, almost all of these positive differences have equally correlating benefits to the baby (in the perception of midwives, homebirthers, and birthing center mamas).
Basically, to pass off the decision to homebirth as something that is selfish, done for the sole comfort of the mother, is a gross misunderstanding of the purpose and reason for alternative birthing methods. At the risk of sounding harsh, someone who would dismiss such a decision as based in purely selfish comfort rationale on the part of the mother has certainly not read much of the research on the persuasive benefits to the baby in healthy, normal pregnancies.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:21 am
Sophia your comments always amaze me. Thanks for sticking up for me!
Sophia Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 11:01 am
That one came out kind of quickly because I was so sad that you had such a bad experience! Nothing frustrates me more than when I’ve researched and studied and thought about something to death, and then someone *usually a family member, funny how that works, haha* just brushes it aside with a dismissive wave of the hand : /
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:20 am
Thanks for stepping in and helping me answer this Erin. I would have been much more passionate and likely done more harm than good.
jenna, i know you did a post on this a while back, but i’d love to hear more about what books/articles/online sources/whatever you read to educate yourself. i probably won’t plan a home birth but i would like to keep medical interventions to a minimum and be able to make informed decisions about when they are necessary (or not). thanks for your honesty and sharing your journey.
Jenna Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 2:21 am
I hope to get that post up this week!
Jenna, I admire your frankness about the birthing process, your research and your choices. My fiance and I are not planning to wait long after we are married to begin trying for a child. I share many of the same desires and opinions about birthing as you do, and you have been a great source of inspiration. I rarely talk about childbirth to anyone buy my fiance, but when I do I get mostly negative comments. Usually to the tune of me being naive, idealistic, backwards, uneducated, etc… There is definitely a common attitude of not knowing anything until you’ve gone through childbirth.
Try not to let the negative comments get to you, and remember you are educating an awful lot of readers.
43It just goes to show how stuck in their ways and fearful some people can be.
Nothing sounds more unpleasant to me than giving birth in a hospital (though I don’t really want a homebirth, thank goodness for birthing centres paid by Australian Medicare!)
Good luck, stand strong, I think you are making very well-informed decisions.
44I think it’s sad that some people can’t calmly and RESPECTFULLY debate issues and make rude attempts to make their points. I think you’re handling it quite maturely.
And I don’t believe a single one of your readers would mistake that note as being yours
45Huge hug!! First, you were the person that first exposed me to midwives - and now I will be using a birth center, a doula, and a midwife for a natural birth. Thank you! I live in Southern California, where a lot of people take a similar approach to child birth and pregnancy - it is not a medical emergency. However, I forget that just because it is the norm here, does not mean it is that way everywhere else. I was recently with my 6 closest friends from college, an educated group of successful professional women, and they fell out of their chairs laughing when I told them about the birth center. (In their defense, I make fun of southern california a lot and they did think I was joking). Some of these women really want a planned c-section. Others would just never dream of going without an epidural. I really think that everyone should do what is right for them - and respect that in others. (A friend gave birth 2 months ago and got an epidural when she was only 1cm dilated. She describes the whole birth as a beautiful, wonderful, and painfree day. I’m glad she had her wonderful experience. Even if it will be very different from mine). But my point is that I am so used to being around like minded people, that I forget that even people that I have much in common with (like my best friends from college or for you - your family) there are still big things we will disagree on. I’m so sorry that people are being disrespectful to you. They do not need to agree with your decision, but they do need to respect the fact that you are a mature, educated adult and it is YOUR decision. And being hurtful is entirely unnecessary. I disagree with you Jenna on any number of topics - but I’d never want to hurt your feelings. And you are my virtual internet friend. Imagine how much I wouldn’t want to hurt my own family. From your very thoughtful discussions on your blog of controversial topics, I am confident in saying that you never wish to hurt the feelings of someone you disagree with - it is so sad that people are doing that to you. No advice on how to handle it - just stating that it must feel awful. Big hugs! And thanks again for introducing me to what I know will be a wonderful birth experience that will be perfect for me (when I finally get pregnant in a year!).
46I have a favorite saying for situations like these: don’t hold strong opinions about things you don’t understand. I wish people could try to respect the decisions of others, knowing they ar well informed and thought through. I also really can’t stand this attitude of mothers that starts to feel like an exclusive club- an makes them entitled to comment on any issue remotely related to pregnancy or children. One of my dear friends has found out she and her husband will no be able to have children, and has decided to adopt. The attitudes ahe she gets! It would curl your hair! Women tell her almost daily how much ahe is missing out on the experience they had. Do you think he doesn’t already feel that?! Anyway, keep your head up and your computer password-protected!
47Jenna, I’m so sorry you were treated that way. I hope that it wasn’t the relative’s I know. I applaud you for your choices. I’m excited to hear about your experience because it’s something - due to my innards - that I could never experience. I’m always a C-Section at 37 weeks. Lucky to carry that long and lucky to get pregnant in the first place.
And I’m even more sorry you’re crying about it. It’s not fun to have family be the reason for that.
48I think the most hurtful thing about the “joke post” was the line about how you realized you should put your baby’s safety first and not be concerned with what you want…
That is a common misconception about homebirthing/birthing centers. A number one reason this option is chosen is because the mothers believe it’s the best and safest option for the baby. The assumption that it is selfishness driving you to make the decision would have just cut me to the bone. Sorry you had to deal with that
49You are doing the right thing for yourself and your baby, Jenna. And you are the mature one in this tale. Well, you and your mum.
Talk to your baby. You’re in this together, and you’re both going to be just fine.
50