20 Apr
Guest Post: You are what you make time for
People always say “you are what you eat” but I’ve adopted the theory that “you are what you make time for.”
A conclusion from that would be to spend it wisely.
A few months ago, I made plans with a good friend for a Friday night. I was excited. I got work off early to get home and get pretty. Then she called and postponed for a few hours – she was doing something else and it was going long. I waited around, watching an episode of Gilmore Girls, and waiting. She postponed again. And again. Until finally I was only going to be able to see my friend for 30 minutes – after a 30 minute drive.
Discouraged, I declined.
That same Sunday, I spent three hours watching TV before bed. It was the usually reality show trash, because I do like a good train wreck (though that new E! show Pretty Wild is pathetic. I can’t even watch that).
I’d been debating going back to school at the time – GMAT taken twice, application half finished on my computer. These two events sealed the deal. I know TV is a waste of time. I realized if I gave up TV, and put my time in the right place, I would have plenty of time for graduate school.
We make choices, be it to ditch friends for something else, to watch TV, to bake a cake. It all takes time. It is all a choice, whether in our subconscious or if we’re aware. When I see lovely craft project on a blog somewhere, I’ll wonder “how on earth did the writer find time to make that?” and then remind myself that the writer probably didn’t spend eight hours in an office that day and out with friends at night.
So now I am going after my MBA – same title That Husband is going for – kudos! I’m working full time, going to class Mondays and Wednesdays, volunteering on Tuesday and Thursday nights for causes I’m passionate about. My husband is a cute law student who works on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
See a trend? Yeah, we never see each other. We have a marriage that endorses following passions, living separate lives together.
We knew this busy schedule would be intense. So we made some changes to make sure that we do get time together. Jenna asked me to blog about them because with the new baby she’ll be busy too!
First, husband and I synced our calendars through Google. It is free – and we synced that calendar to our phones, so we always know what is going on with each other’s lives. Though it can be nerve wracking – when I look at my calendar in the morning and see “interview” penciled in, I momentarily freak out before realizing it is a husband item. Then I cheer, because hopefully an interview means a job is on the horizon.
Second, we pay for convenience. I am outsourcing. I have always outsourced beauty, but now I am outsourcing healthy cooking by freezing meals – even going to a place that does it for you – and I started driving to work instead of taking transit so I could stay at home longer and get home faster.
Third, date night is mandatory. Doesn’t matter where we go, doesn’t matter what we do – we aren’t going to ditch each other for friends on date night. I miss out on Bunco with my girls and sometimes hubs misses meet ups with his pals – but it is important to designate one day to see each other.
Fourth, we talk. I was never one of those girls who called her honey in the middle of the day to chat. Now, much to my cubicle mate’s chagrin, I am. I pour out the “I love yous” and “I miss yous” like a water main breaking. Hearing husband’s voice really does make a difference. I feel connected to him during the day. We also take time to talk in the morning and the evening, sacrificing a few moments of sleep to check in.
Funny, we are actually more in tune with each other now that we are forced to make an effort. I can say “how was your interview today” instead of asking for the zillionth time “how was your day, what did you do?” In the past, I might spend the weekend with friends instead of husband, but now, with a few exceptions, the weekend is ours. He even came with me to yoga once so we wouldn’t be apart.
I’m loving school and loving my life – and realizing that how I designate every moment of every day, shapes exactly who I will become. I hope I am spending it right.
And a question for you lovely That Wife readers – how do you manage your time and connect with your significant other? We’re all busy, how do you do it?
P.S. A little about me - Natalie. I am a slave to the media world - a journalist-turned-public relations and marketing girl. I’m in love with my husband and our pug puppy. I blog life at The Bobby Pin, which earned its name because life is scattered, just like bobby pins are in my bathroom drawer.
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I’m more lucky than you are because I get to see my husband more.
However his schedule is set, and for a year I had to beg him to give it to me because I couldn’t remember it for the life of me. Now it’s on the fridge so I have a better idea of what he does.
I put my schedule there to, and mine well it changes every week,
Lately I’ve been working 2nd shift which means I barely wake up to hug him in the morning and come home at 11:30pm. Not so great for couple’s time.
Last night my husband stayed up later so we could see each other.
We don’t really go out mutch (not in our budget). But every time we have a day off together we try do go outdoors, that’s our quality time, may it be hiking, climbing or something else. That’s when we can really talk and make projects.
And I do have to say that he comes first, if I have the choice between a girl’s outing and him, I think I would pick him first (unless we’ve seen each other a lot all week).
Besides that nothing fancy to manage our time, we tend to play it by ear.
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Natalie Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 10:31 am
I think outdoor time is the nicest! I’m so glad it is getting warmer so hubs and I can spend time outdoors. I’m looking forward to hikes and long walks!
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Cécy Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
I feel that outdoors you use enough energy hiking not to find any to get mad or annoyed. It such a great quality time.
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My husband has a new job and is working insane hours. During the week we do get time together in the mornings when he drops me off for work, and we chat throughout the day. Also in the evening I like to ask him, “What is the best thing that happened to you today?” That keeps us both positive and helps avoid bitchfests (mostly on my part).
We try to make weekends for each other, which means weekdays are the only time I can get girl time. That’s OK, though, gotta work with it!
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Jenna Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 9:02 am
“What is the best thing that happened to you today” is going to be my new question! TH doesn’t really like talking about work but this gives him some room to talk about social interactions or things found on the internet during a break or other things.
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Natalie Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 10:32 am
I love that! I’m so using that question too!
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Kristin Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 10:35 am
This is such a great idea! I think I will start asking this as well.
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Cécy Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
That is a good sentence to remember indeed, I like the positive idea behind it.
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I need to do much better at making my husband a priority in my life.
Right now we are at an odd time where we are both students. Which means we are both home most of the day and have a great deal of discretionary time. Which of course means that we just study near each other for most of the day without actually interacting.
In an odd way one of the best things that we do is watch TV together during meal times. I know that it seems counterproductive, but sometimes getting started talking and interacting is the hardest part, especially as so little in our lives seems initially interesting. Talking about our shows after wards gives us an easy conversation hook that usually leads to us talking about unrelated topics. It can also just be nice to curl up on the coach together, doing the same activity at the same time. Even if it’s passive, there is still something good about doing something together.
I feel like it’s a normal thing, but we also try to go to bed about an hour earlier than we otherwise would and just spend that time talking and reconnecting. We also try to run errands or do other things we would have to do anyways together.
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Natalie Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 10:33 am
Gen - can I call you Gen - I love bedtime talk time. I like to talk and have a moment that is only ours. It is nice.
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Cécy Reply:
April 20th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
During our “normal” weeks we watch TV as well in the evening. However lately I’ve made it a rule that we are not to eat in front of the TV unless there is a sports game (because that’s harder to record and watch later). It’s made such a difference because we can talk and have quality time during dinner.
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I so wish we did the date night thing. We live far from family, so when they come visit we are sure to leave the kids with them for at least one dinner out together. And I know we have friends nearby and such, but they all have kids too, so I’m hesitant to pick up the phone and say “Hey, would you like two more kids?”
But seriously, I do need to work out a babysitting co-op with other parents and trade off sitting so we can all go out with our spouses and pretend for one night that we are newlyweds again!
We do try to call one another during the day and I send him phone pictures of the boys to keep him connected to what we are doing on the homefront.
Good job, Mrs. Guest Poster!
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4Great post!
My husband’s in law school and his hours suck. He has night classes every night but Thursday so he gets home pretty late. We eat dinner together almost every single night, though, and dinner is a TV-/internet- and phone-free zone so we can actually talk to each other. Even if we can only sit together for 20 minutes, it’s better than nothing. We also have a no-internet policy after dinner unless it’s for work or school. It’s too easy to get sucked in to Facebook or blogs or whatever and then all of a sudden, the night is over.
These rules are relaxed during exam season, though, because, as I’m sure you know, it’s the loveliest time of the year
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5The mornings are always our favorite time to connect with each other. Its nice to cuddle and say nice things to each other before the day begins, even if it is only for a few minutes!
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6Great suggestions! My husband is actually thinking about changing jobs which would give us a work schedule that we’re not used to. We both teach and both have summers off. However, during the school year he has TONS of work to do every night and while we see each other, we don’t spend the time together. We have a date night, but I know it’s going to be an adjustment with him potentially working “non-traditional” hours AND going back to school!
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7We recently adopted a dog, and he helps us spend more time together. We walk him together in the evenings and play with him in the backyard and take him for long walks/hikes on the weekends.
Before we moved, when we were both working, we had a white board on the fridge where we’d write our schedules. I’ve never been great at updating my google calendar, although hubs always has his set.
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8Before we had our first we used to do a variety of things, but I believe one of my favorites was reading a book aloud to one another. I have really fond memories from that period…
Lately, we either make a point to ignore the computer and sit on the couch and talk or we enjoy pillow talk once we’re always in bed. Lately we’ve been moving dinner & our daughter’s bedtime a little later to make sure she gets some good daddy-time and although we talk during dinner, its often about her or work or things of lesser importance. It can be hard to focus on having “connecting” type conversation, but the less distracted we are with other things the more fulfilling that time is. Probably why I’m really coming to enjoy pillow talk the most. =)
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9Holy moly, it feels like you wrote this post for me, *blows dust off GMAT study materials*. Thank you, thank you! It’s true time is what we make it….
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10I love love love this post.
We don’t do anything special or different, but we do try to spend as much time together as possible.
One of my favorite things is hiking together, because we are outside, being active, with nothing to distract us from paying attention to each other.
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11I loved this post, Natalie. You and your hubby are ambitious! I took away some good tips here. It’s been difficult with the kids - we went out just twice last year and not at all this year, if that tells you how busy things usually are. We’ve always got the two kids around. So, anyway, that’s a goal of mine to try to work in more time with Mr. V.
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