Janssen is a 24-year-old librarian in Boston, MA, where she blogs some about books and lots about non-book things at Everyday Reading. She and her husband are expecting their first child in July.
Before my husband, Bart, and I got married in August of 2005, I told him I wasn’t ready to have children right away. I knew he was really excited to have kids and would have been happy to have a honeymoon baby, if that’s what I wanted, so it was important to me that he knew I needed some time. I told him it might be up to five years before I was ready to have a baby.
Frankly, I didn’t anticipate it would be that long, but every year or so, when we’d discuss the possibility of trying to get pregnant, I felt completely unready and we’d postpone discussion of the topic for another six months. Our baby is due this July, one month and one day before our fifth wedding anniversary.
I certainly think that when to have children is an intensely personal decision and that there is no one right time for everyone (I am very grateful that my parents never said or insinuated any preference about our decision to wait), but I feel strongly that waiting several years has been a very positive experience for us for the following reasons:
- I am pretty ambitious and I think if I’d gotten pregnant right away and not had time to do more schooling or work for a while, I would have been fairly discontended about the whole situation. As it is, I’ve been able to complete both a bachelor and master’s degree and work full-time for several years since we got married. I think having had these experiences will help me feel happier about my new role in life since I won’t be feeling like I haven’t accomplished the things that have always been important to me.
- I was only 19 when we got married (just a few weeks shy of 20), and while I (probably incorrectly) feel like I was plenty mature in many ways, I think I needed some time to grow up in other ways before throwing myself into motherhood. Not to mention that my biological clock wasn’t exactly ticking loudly at that point.
- Bart and I are both very independent and fairly stubborn people. At this point in our marriage, we are far better adjusted to working together and compromising than we were five years ago. Our vision of our lives and family is far more similar than it was when we first got married.
- Bart took a while to settle into his current career field (part of which included getting a master’s degree) and I’m unbelievably glad that he’s qualified and happy in his job now, a situation that simply didn’t exist for us two or three or four years ago.
- When we finally made the big leap to start trying to get pregnant, I was able to be really actually excited about it. It has been such a fun and joyful experience so far; I just do not think I would have felt this whole-heartedly happy about it if we’d gotten pregnant before I really wanted to.
- It has brought Bart and me closer together. Maybe this sounds funny, but there has been almost nothing Bart has done for me in the last five years of marriage that has meant as much to me as his absolute non-pushing on this issue. I knew, of course, that he was incredibly baby-hungry, and would have loved to have a baby a few years ago, but he has never made me feel like I was wrong to want to wait or that he was at all disappointed by my several years of resistence. Even when we finally agreed that we wanted to start trying, he assured me several times that if I wanted to change my mind and wait another year or two, he would be fine with that.
As I said, waiting or not waiting isn’t right for everyone - the timetable for your family is going to be different than mine and the reasons I wanted to wait and then not wait will hold no water with some of you. But for us, this was the right decision, and I couldn’t be happier that we’d waited or that we’ll have a baby daughter this summer.
April 21st, 2010 on 9:10 am
I’m planning on waiting about 5 years to have kids as well, and I appreciate your perspective on why to wait. I’m somewhat amused though, that I plan on waiting 5 years and am the same age you are right now. But I wasn’t ready for marriage until now, and I know I won’t be ready for kids for even longer.
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Sophia Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 11:35 am
I thought kind of the same thing Ellie. I just turned 27, but I absolutely do not want to be pregnant before 30, probably would like to give birth around 32, which puts me about 5 years out as well.
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April 21st, 2010 on 9:19 am
Great post! I’ve added you to my google reader! I can’t wait to read more of your posts!
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April 21st, 2010 on 9:53 am
Great job - - this kind of decision is completely unique to each couple because everyone has different jobs, maturity levels, schooling timetables, and a hundred other things. We waited until I had taught one year, then I got pregnant in the summer so that I could teach most of the next year. Worked out perfectly for us.
I would never dream of telling people when *they* should because of the reasons already listed, but simply in light of what I think about in terms of this discussion: I think people should be cautious in waiting too long. You get used to being by yourself, taking care of just you and your husband, and the adjustment to then a baby running the show has been somewhat difficult for some of my friends. They were so used to all the extra money and just taking off whenever they wanted. They adjusted pretty quick though
Also, people have to think about their lives in 18/20 years - how old do you want to be when your child is graduating from HS? Kids take a ton of energy - mental energy especially when they are teenagers. Probably my biggest ‘caution’ is the mentality that somehow your life ends when you have a child-and in certain parts it kind of does!:)-but when the attitude is that children are something somewhat ‘negative’ to be put off (like doing taxes or something), then that’s the wrong attitude to have.
I’m NOT at all implying that you fit into one of these categories of caution.
This is just general stuff I think about in relation to the whole ‘when should I have a baby discussion.’ I’m sure you are doing what’s best for your life and relationship and I wouldn’t dare tell you that what you did/will do was ill-advised.
Besides, children DESERVE to come to homes where mommy and daddy are so excited and so committed to the new and wonderful life change a baby brings. If waiting a bit of time is necessary for that, then that’s what one must do! And I think there are other baby-having-related issues that are far, far worse than perhaps putting off kids a little too long (teen pregnancy for one, having a child in a terrible marriage, remaining extremely selfish after having children, etc).
GOOD LUCK in your new adventures as you’re waiting for baby! Hope you continue to have a happy pregnancy!
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April 21st, 2010 on 10:04 am
Thank you so much for writing this. My husband and I have also decided to wait for a while to have kids. I/We know deep down that this is the best thing for us, but it can be hard to stay sure, especially when so many of our marriage peers are making the most adorable little people.
It’s encouraging to see an example of a couple at the end of the waiting who is happy with their decision. You have such a great way on focusing on all the great things and reasons why this was best for you guys. I tend to look more at the reasons why we can’t right now as opposed to looking at why waiting is good for us. You are so right, it really is about what is right for each individual couple. There are some wonderful things about having kids, but there are some pretty great things about where we are now.
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April 21st, 2010 on 10:29 am
When we got married, we definitely were not ready to have children. I was just shy of my 24th birthday and to be honest it had taken a whole year to even feel ready to get married.
From what we saw around us (many divorces and bad experiences), we decided to wait at least 2 years before even considering the option.
We felt that we needed to be together as husband and wife first, settling into married life before we involved somebody else’s life.
In July we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary and we are not trying yet.
I’ve been ready since October, something happened in my family that made me realize I didn’t want to wait that long. Once I made that decision and told my husband, I felt such peace that I knew it was the right decision.
However he is not ready yet.
We had a good talk a few weeks ago and I asked him beside the personal gut feeling of being ready if there was anything else. Finances was one of the issues, we live on a tight budget to pay off debt. So I did a bit of calculation and we are working on paying off one of our cars faster so we can provide for a child by freeing up that money.
For the rest, well he needs to make his own way toward being ready. There was one time when I argued with him because he said withing 2 years, 6 months after saying the exact same thing and I felt like he kept on postponing things. Since then I’ve made my peace and while I still talk about it I try not to put pressure on him and reassure him that well I will only be truly ready when he is too.
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April 21st, 2010 on 10:35 am
Yay!! This post falls into my much requested category of Mormon Culture Posts. I am very fascinated by mormon culture. Forget the garments and no alcohol - I’m fascinated by the culture that includes marrying young, being a SAHM, and having lots of babies. I like hearing about how women have navigated these cultural expectations.
Janssen, it sounds like your parents were supportive - did you have friends or acquaintances at school/church who challenged your decisions? I admit, I totally assumed you were 30 (b.c. you waited 5 years and right now the average age of marriage for a woman is 26) - but then I saw that you were 19 when you married. However, in your culture, 5 years may seem like eternity to some people.
Regarding Katy’s warnings that some ppl wait too long and thus have trouble adjusting - I feel like that holds as much water as some ppl have kids too early and thus never had an identity outside of being a mother. All anecdotal and there is not a one-size-fits-all.
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Katy Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 11:11 am
Very true. I think the point in all things in life is too avoid the extreme whenever possible. Being way too young and starting way too early (if your sitauation is not a stable one) can have it’s negative impacts as much as waiting too long.
Good thing there is no magical number or mandate - we get to decide for ourselves!
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Sophia Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 11:37 am
I really enjoyed this post for the same reasons you enumerated Erin- but I’m long past being surprised when we share the same viewpoint or when you perfect encapsulate a thought I’m having
- because you’re right, it is going against a big mountain of cultural expectations.
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Natalie Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 11:41 am
Definitely this is a Mormon culture thing — but I love that I have the option of waiting several years and still being a young mom!
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April 21st, 2010 on 10:56 am
I decided that I make a lot of assumptions about when LDSers marry, so I decided to get some facts so that I stopped assuming.
http://pewsocialtrends.org/assets/flash/marriage/
While there certainly are non-mormons living in Utah, I’ll just make that one last stereotype.
Median age of marriage in Utah / rest of US:
males - 26 / 28
females - 24 / 26
Lowest mean age is Idaho (also heavily LDS?) followed by Utah and bible belt states.
Highest mean age (32 years) is from where my hubby and I met and lived for the first 2 years we were together - DC!! Hmm… that sure fits with our ages at our wedding (me 28, him 34) and the ages of our friends when they got married. Do we sound ancient to you LDSers?
Anyways, my point was that I expected the median age for females to be 19 or 20 in Utah - and I was totally wrong. It’s 24.
Though this BYU article suggests that the median age for LDS women is 21 years.
http://newsnet.byu.edu/story.cfm/61964
Maybe the way 28/34 may sound so OLD to LDSers (the ages my husband and I were when we married) - maybe that is parallel to how young 21 sounds to me. I guess the difference is cultural acceptance/support. In my culture, I would have had NO support had I wanted to marry at 21 - I did not know a single person at my university who was engaged. And conversely, in LDS culture, ppl may not receive a lot of support if they chose to wait until they were 28 to get married (and I did ‘wait’ in that we started dating 5 full years before we walked down the aisle).
Anyways - LOVE these culture posts and I look forward to reading the comments - especially from LDS women who felt pressure/support regarding their marrying/babying decisions.
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Jessica Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Hi, I’m a new reader to this blog and even though I was waiting for Jenna’s next post to comment, I had to get my two cents on this one!
I’m LDS (not sure if the girl who posted is?), but I got married when I was just shy of 25, and my husband was just shy of 30 (he was 29 and likes to make jokes that he was still in his 20′s when he got married. Good one babe.
I have a definite opinion on the matter of LDS people getting married later and later. My parents got married at 21 and 22, but my brothers got married at 24 and 27, so there’s definitely a generational difference and LDS kids are waiting longer to settle down (although my LDS grandparents were married later in life; not by choice, I don’t think). In my personal experience, when I was single, most people around me were still single, as in not in a relationship, and were approaching their 30s at a rapid pace (as far as traditional Mormon marrying ages). My freshman year at BYU, there were 6 of us girls in our dorm apartment. Out of the 6 (we are all the same age), the first to get married was 24 and now 4 out of the 6 are married, one engaged, and one still single. What I’m trying to say is we all finished our educations first (one exception, she’s done this semester), got married at age 24 or later, and have all done some impressive things with our lives like serve missions for our church, taught in the public schools, worked full-time etc. I lived in DC for a while, and there are TONS of young single adults in the Mormon community, and most are 25 and older and doing incredible things. When I graduated from BYU, the statistics were that only half the graduating class was married (quite different from probably even 10 years ago). So to me, saying Mormons get married at 20/21 is so inaccurate based on what I have experienced personally. I will say this: I did feel pressure from my parents starting at about 20-21 to get married (as if it was something I could just do. It takes TWO baby!). I felt less pressure from the church itself, but quite a bit from Mormon culture. Even though I think Mormon kids are waiting longer deliberately in some cases, it is difficult to be in the culture and not have any prospects for marriage since it is so highly valued and expected in our lives. I’m glad things worked out the way they did for me and I think it was the best timing for me in the long run.
Now, about babies, I have been married about a year and a half and I want one! We started trying about 8 months after our wedding. My husband is already 31 and he wants to be able to be active with our kids and we want to be as young as parents as we can be with our kids. We definitely took the approach of “how old will we be when they graduate high school?” I want to be able to do things with my kids as a younger mom and I definitely want to stick around to see my grandkids as long as possible also.
Ok, long comment! I think I have arrived in this blogging community, yeah?
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Erin Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Thank you so much for sharing!! Your comment was very interesting and I’m glad you’ve arrived!
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Cristin Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:36 am
Thanks for sharing this insight into LDS marriage. I think that for people who don’t interact with LDS co-workers, neighbors or friends - our only real introduction to the LDS culture is online. And (I say this with love!) young SAHMs are more likely to blog than people who work outside the home. That might be why I also assumed that all Mormons marry young and have children young - because the only female ones I “know” are online friends. I do know three older male members of the LDS church through work, but I don’t know their wives.
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Allison Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 4:55 pm
That’s really interesting. Thanks for sharing!
I’m LDS, and I got married a week shy of 22. My husband and I dated for almost 2 years before we got married. I would say I did feel some pressure from my single, LDS peers to get engaged because we would get questions all the time about when it was going to happen! My parents wanted us to wait two years to get married so that I’d be done with grad school, but I opposed that idea.
My husband and I have been married for almost three years now, and I’m glad I didn’t wait. Now we’re starting to seriously plan for the next stage in our lives: parenthood. I haven’t felt pressure from anyone to have kids super fast. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been asked the “when” question this go-round, thankfully.
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Jessica Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 5:21 pm
I also have not felt pressure to start our family from church members or family (although I think my in-laws are wonderin’…). Wanting to start our family now has been our choice. Now if only you could snap your fingers and make it be so!
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Katy Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 6:35 pm
I never felt pressure to marry early - just the opposite from my mom (though she went through several bad marriages, so there you go!) I never set a time table for myself - I knew I wanted to complete college though and if I met someone during that time (which I did), I would just work that into my plans. But if I graduated “without my Mrs.” (as they say) then that was cool too.
A number of people in my family, including siblings, had not made good marriage decisions and had gotten pregnant too young/out of wedlock. It really shut down their options for the future, so if there’s one thing I knew I was going to do it was 1) go to college 2) get married (during or after) 3) try to work at least a year in my field (teaching) 4) THEN have babies. For me, all that happened within 6 years (2000-2006).
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Evelyn Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 7:03 pm
The comment I made below to the general post kinda addresses some of the stuff you mentioned, but…
I’m an East Coast Mormon and the “general” ages for marriage & kids seem to be a bit different among the church members here. DC & NYC have similar demographics among the church members. THere may be slightly more marrying in the mid to late 20s but there are LOTS that marry in the 30s and above. Many regions have congregations for the young single adults, those aged 18-30, but in rare form the DC area also has a congregation for SA (31 +) because it’s so much more common in this area to be single longer.
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Jessica Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Wow, I just lost a really long comment. That is not cool! Here’s the gist of what I said:
I’m from WA state originally, and most of my non-LDS friends from high school are married or engaged at this point and I’m only 26. So I don’t think Mormons are standing out that much (in this topic of conversation…:) ). But I will say that most of my LDS friends from my hometown were married around 21-23, so younger than others. But my experiences beyond my hometown (BYU, DC) were much different than that. Maybe kids who leave their hometowns are more likely to prolong marriage (whether planned or not)? I don’t know.
Even though most people around me while I was single were also not getting married, it certainly FELT that way (especially at BYU). It’s ingrained in our culture and minds whether we like it or not. I felt ready to get married at 21, but had I done so, I would have missed out on some great opportunities. I realize that if I HAD gotten married at 21, I would have had some equally wonderful experiences, most likely in the familial department. It comes down to this: in our religion we rely on something called personal revelation. We do believe God answers our prayers and has a deep interest in our personal lives. Because of this, if someone falls in love with someone and prays about it and receives an answer to get married, then do it! If it is right, then who cares what anyone else thinks!!
I don’t think hardly any LDS person goes off after high school thinking, “man, I had better find a spouse before I am 21 or else!” Most people definitely start out with dreams such as education, missions, service-work, employment, etc. But one of our major goals in life is absolutely family, and when you meet someone who holds your same goals when you are young and excited about life, then it is easy to see why so many LDS people get married younger. Our culture definitely has this undertone of “get married, the sooner the better,” but it also is quite remarkable in the fact that our unique culture carries across cities, states, and the world. We have so many commonalities amongst our members worldwide, and I can only imagine how hard it is trying to find someone outside of my religion who holds the same standards, values, goals, and background that I do. So in that regard, finding a mate in our culture might be easier?? Thus making people potentially get married sooner?
When and if I have children, especially daughters, I will encourage them to have all the experiences they can before they get married, including getting an education. I know I made my parents sound bad earlier, but they definitely encouraged me to do this, especially my mom. But at the same time, I will encourage them to GET MARRIED. On the terms of personal revelation I spoke of earlier. Even if they get married at 20, if it is right and it is to a good person (and in the right place), then I will absolutely support them.
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April 21st, 2010 on 11:22 am
Oh, and I didn’t realize you were LDS (if that is indeed true like the previous commentor implied). That does certainly put a different perspective on the discussion since people in our church tend to marry younger and have children sooner. It’s funny that some outside the church might view my 2ish years of waiting to have kids as really short, but those in the church might think that was kind of long (not in a judgmental way, but just in observation based on their experiences).
Landon and I started dating in Oct 2000 and got married in May 2003 - - that is crazy long in Mormon culture! I was used to people at BYU doing a double take when I told them - as if “what are you waiting for?” Funny how our perspectives and what we are used to truly throws objectivity out the window sometimes.
Well, I’ll beat the already dead horse again - as long as what we are doing feels right to us and we feel right by God, then that’s all there is to it.
I think I will love your book site and your frugal site - oh, and you live in the most awesome town I’ve ever visited. I l-o-v-e Boston and hope we get to live at Hanscom AFB someday (husband is in the AF).
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April 21st, 2010 on 11:40 am
Lovely post! I’d also like to add that it can be incredibly insensitive when people make jokes as to “what are you kids waiting for, make a baby already!” because you don’t know what the situation is. What if they’re infertile? Due to that possibility, and due to the fact that infertility can be so incredibly hard to deal with, I make it a point to NEVER make such comments. They come from an assumption that the couple is just putting off kids, or doesn’t want them, or a questioning of why they’re waiting, when in reality that couple may be praying desperately every night to get pregnant and are struggling just to cope. Jokes and insinuations that they’re “putting something off” that they are physically incapable of doing must hurt more than I can even comprehend.
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Katy Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Oh yes - I rarely, almost never, ask people their baby plans unless we are in that kind of conversation anyway initated by them. You never know if someone has been trying since day one and is just having a hard time. I may have my thoughts and 2 cents on stuff, but I can’t imagine ever saying something like “hey, why haven’t you had kids yet?” Besides, that stuff is so personal anyway.
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Sophia Reply:
April 21st, 2010 at 12:45 pm
You’re right, it is very personal. You’re basically asking about someone’s sex life, lol
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April 21st, 2010 on 11:51 am
Great post! We’re waiting too. I’m in graduate school (like I posted about yesterday) and while so many of my friends have a child, or even two, I just have to keep reminding myself that I want to be excited to be a mom, not just doing it because everyone else is. It is too big of a life change!
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April 21st, 2010 on 6:56 pm
I agree that it all boils down to what’s right for the individual couple versus following an arbitrary standard.
I’m an “East Coast Mormon.” Both my parents are converts and my family moved to VA when I was in 1st grade and then never left. I think the “Mormon Culture” changes a lot from region to region, because out here, while you may see people marrying young, it’s not really that common, and its also a little more common and generally well-accepted to wait a few years before having children.
I was 25 when I married, which isn’t old by any means, but I think some were afraid I’d waited just a *little* too long.
And although before meeting my husband I’d been sure I’d wait at least 1-2 years for children, we both felt we should start our family immediately… so we did. We had a lot of people asking us if our pregnancy was an accident. Go figure.
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April 22nd, 2010 on 5:41 am
What a really interesting post and lovely to hear that the decision to wait has been the right one for you. I think what I got from this post was that the most important thing is to do what is right for you and your partner. Good luck with the pregnancy and your lives together.
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April 22nd, 2010 on 10:05 am
We decided to “table” the topic until we have been married 5 years and we both could not be happier with the choice! It also helps us to present a united front when friends and family ask us when we’ll have kids.
Thanks for the thoughtful post!
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April 22nd, 2010 on 10:05 am
Congratulations also on your pregnancy!!
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April 23rd, 2010 on 2:28 pm
This post interested me because my husband and I are going through baby talk right now, but our circumstances are much different. He is 41 and I am 29. So far, I plan was to wait until I was 31 or 32. We love just having each other to ourselves.
Neither of us is baby crazy, not yet, anyway. But we just found out that his brother is infertile, so my husband had a semen analysis and found out that his sperm count is high but his motility is only 29%. This could make it hard for us to get pregnant and reduces our chances to a numbers game.
We have been enjoying being married without children and really aren’t emotionally ready, but should we start trying anyway?
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