25 May
The GYN Appt Gone Bad
Wait, do gynecologist appointments ever leave you feeling like it’s “gone good”?
This story makes T1 screaming mad. Nobody insults his birth experience and gets away with it.
I had some concerns about the way my tear from the birth was healing, so I decided to go see an OB/GYN to make sure everything was healing properly. For, even though I love my midwife and crazy natural ways, I have no problem admitting that doctors really know what they are talking about when it comes to certain areas. Also I wanted a new prescription for birth control pills because we are so not ready to be like some friends we know who conceived their first baby 6 weeks after baby #1 made an appearance. Also because the thought of experiencing menstrual cramps on a monthly basis once again sounds rather awful and I want to start suppressing my period again. Giving birth? Not so bad compared to the thought of enduring the same pains, over, and over, with no super cute reward popping out at the end.
So to the point of this post. I called around to several different offices trying to find someone who would accept a new patient in a timely manner because I was worried about waiting too long to have the tear inspected. I had several receptionists who couldn’t seem to grasp what I wanted, because I was a person saying I just gave birth but that I was a new patient. Shouldn’t I have my own OB/GYN to go to? Was there some juicy story to be told about how I hated my provider and wanted to switch after the birth experience? Nope, no juicy story, just crazy old me and my home-birth-in-a-tub-of-water ways.
“Yes, I said home birth. I had a home birth and I tore and I would like someone to take a look at the tear. No, I cannot wait 6 weeks for an appointment, I need to see someone soon. See them for what? My tear in my perineum. I tore when I as giving birth to my baby. Also I want birth control. They only appointment you have is 6 weeks? Why are we still having this conversation then?”
I was finally able to find someone in my area who could get me in within the next two weeks, and crossed my fingers that the experience would be a good one. What would the doctor think about my home birth? Would he judge me for it?
And….
He judged me. Actually he didn’t just judge me, he lectured me. Luckily it wasn’t a lecture delivered straight into my hoo-hoo with my feet up in beach themed sock covered stirrups, but it was a lecture nonetheless. Complete with dramatic eye roll at the use of a midwife. Granted he seemed like a really nice guy and I liked his jovial attitude but COME ON, what is the use of telling me what a bad idea a home birth is when I’m holding a baby delivered from a successful home birth in my arms?
Oh, my favorite part by far was when he lifted the sheet and looked at my goods and remarked, “Wow, you look remarkably good for someone who gave birth 6 weeks ago.” Who’s rolling their eyes now? My midwife that’s who. [Edited to add: My tear looks great and I shouldn't have any problems. Just a bit of stinging whenever I pee, but he said that's normal.]
But I digress from the reason I wanted to write this post.
During this little lecture, what did I, one of the most educated mamas on birth you probably know, do? I giggled. I giggled a lot and after my appointment I realized that I probably made myself look like an immature idiot who chose to birth at home because she saw a documentary about birth outside the hospital and thought it looked trendy and cool. Someone who chose home birth because of a desire for twinkle lights. Where is the girl who has stored away links on episiotomy rates, the safety of home birth, c-section rates across the country, the myth of the big baby, and so much more? She must have slept in that day, because giggly, polite, nincompoop Jenna showed up at the doctor’s office in her place.
I realized that I reacted this way because I was dealing with an authority figure. Instead of stating my case and showing him that I had made an informed decision I tried to be polite. I should have stood up to his condescending remarks and let him know that I don’t make my decisions based on anecdotal evidence. Next week when I go back in for my follow-up appointment will I speak my mind? Probably not. Because the certificates and awards on his wall intimidated me into silence, something I’ll likely be kicking myself about next time as well.
Can you think of a time when you’ve stood up for your beliefs in the presence of an authority figure? How did you manage to do it without becoming a giggly nincompoop like me?
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I don’t think I’ve managed to stand up to an authority figure. I tend to get all teared up though and on the verge of tears rather than giggly. Is everything okay though? Or will you not find out for the next two weeks?
Jenna Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I’m doing fine, he said my tear is healing completely normally and I have nothing to worry about. I just know you can usually get clearance to do the deed at 6 weeks so I wasn’t sure if everyone else was healed up by then and that’s why they got the okay.
I would have guessed that you giggled because you knew best about your birth experience and everything you learned through your research. Even though he is a doctor and was doing a followup, I don’t think you had to justify your choices to him or overwhelm him with how much thought you put into it.
Meanwhile, I cower in the face of authority - I have this thing about following the rules and always doing what the authority says. My fiance is totally the opposite, which can be interesting!
2Jenna, you rock in so many ways for writing this post. I suggest that you get what you need from him in the near future, then find a doctor more supportive of home births in Chicago. Once you move, send the lecturing doctor a letter to let him know that you didn’t appreciate his manner of speaking to you, and why. Why oh why are doctors so arrogant and condescending???
3I giggle…and I avoid eye contact. I have NO IDEA why I do that. But I do.
I hope everything is ok and that the reasons for your visit were addressed in a more sensitive manner.
4Oh I do the same thing too. For whatever reason in situations where I feel a little intimidated, I am overly polite and don’t want to ruffle any feathers. I am getting better about it as I get older and care less and less what people say but I would love to be able to change that bad habit permanently.
5I have an annual ob/gyn visit scheduled for 8 weeks after my home birth (so I can remain a gyn patient). My ob/gyn office very sincerely wished me the best of luck in my birth and said they couldn’t wait to see my baby at my appointment. I’m sure my doctor will be a little surprised I went this route but I don’t imagine a lecture. And even if I do, I really, truly feel 100% confident in my decision. I often feel by the time I’ve made a decision and shared it, I’m at peace and don’t doubt myself any longer.
I think that feeling of quiet confidence comes with time and maturity too. I used to be a giggler but, as time has gone on, that self conscious girl has stayed in the past. I’ve been on my own since I was 18 (nearly 10 years, married one year) and just the experience of making my own decisions and having to live with them, has given me strength and confidence. I haven’t always made the right ones but that has helped me in more ways than I could ever imagine.
I’m very lucky that in 31 weeks of pregnancy (so far!) I haven’t gotten a single negative comment about my planned home birth. I’ve gotten a few surprised comments followed by, how did you come to that choice? But even if I did, I don’t think my confidence on the issue would waiver. My answer always is, “My husband and I did our research and decided that this was the best decision for us”. Because really- who can argue with that? I have facts in my head that I can go into if necessary, but I rarely ever feel the need or desire to. This was the best decision for my husband, my baby and myself- who else could have possibly made this decision? I hope you feel that inner peace and confidence in your decision so you don’t let anyone let you lose those good feelings you have.
Katherine (a.k.a. Sparkles) Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 10:08 am
I was going to mention the whole ‘Quiet Confidence’ approach. And I agree with Brandy, it comes with time.
I’ve had to refine my approach to stressful-on-the-spot situations several times in my profession & in life. I can go into a BUNCH of examples of ways I had to approach figures of authority, but the one’s that I seemed to have the most success at ended with me saying words like “This is not conducive to a working relationship, all I am merely asking is ______” or “This is rather black and white, I’m not here for a power play”.
You have to stop bullies before they get the momentum they need to be ridiculous. Because quite simply, I don’t think they realize they are going down an unproductive road where they just make themselves look like idiots.
So the next time you see this person, I hope you have a better experience. Maybe he had a bad day, maybe you are the first person he has met who has done a home-birth. Or maybe he had a beef with someone else and he never got to have his say, it built up over time- and he took the unfortunate opportunity to say it to you when the issue wasn’t with you in the first place.
If he pulls that again, simply redirect him. Say “Look. Many women have tears during delivery, let’s just focus on the fact that I have one- and not on the fact that I had a home birth because the home birth part is not relevant to this visit.” And leave it at that. If he continues to make snarky remarks. Tell him ‘”this isn’t a conducive working relationship, can you please give me a name of someone I can be referred to?” Because we often let these doctors represent a generalized population. One doctor makes so many others look bad. And I have no problem telling a doctor he is being ‘fired’ as my provider for being an ass. And hopefully, they’ll learn to shape up after some self-reflection so they don’t do that next time to someone else.
Brandy Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
I came back to read more comments and thought this Brandy was me and got a little freaked out because I didn’t remember writing it and I’m only 21 weeks pregnant and having a home birth….I felt a little crazy for a moment!
oh gosh, in a situation like this I wish I could giggle. Instead my blood starts to boil and I let off the steam as soon as I leave the office, feeling very condescended towards. Sometimes I am able to say something but usually with not as much grace as I would like to dream.
Laughter at least, provides a positive reaction within yourself, instead of pent up less positive emotions!
7When lectured or admonished, I don’t giggle.. I cry/tear up. It sucks and I feel like such a baby, but that is what happens every. time.
8Like some others, I would have probably cried. Not giggled. :o)
The one time I can remember standing up to an authority figure was in the 11th grade. My chem teacher accused me of writing on the desk. I told her it wasn’t me. She called me a liar in front of the whole class. I stood my ground and told her it wasn’t me. Classmates even backed me up. She continued to call me a liar. My mom emails her, expressing displeasure. 2 weeks later the teacher has not replied or apologized. My mom writes again threatening to go to the principal. The next day I’m pulled aside by my teacher. She tells me she’s not going to apologize to me because she never called me a liar. HUH??? I told her that indeed she did call me a liar and that the whole class heard her. She says she likes having me in her class, is sorry I got upset, yadda, yadda, yadda. But no apology. B/c she didn’t do what I claim she did. So not only did she call me a liar, she’s now inferring (again) that I am one. She’s buttering me up so that I don’t go to her boss. Long story….I let it blow over.
I was just shocked that I stood up to her in the first place. And that is what mattered to me. Plus if it ever became an issue, I had a class full of students who knew the truth. And she was crazy….I’m not going to fight with a crazy person.
You don’t have to go in with guns drawn ready to shoot down your OB’s condescension. But if it comes up again, a polite but strong word wouldn’t hurt. :o) Hope that everything is healing well.
9Have you tried the shot. I am such a huge fan. I have had no side affects, no weight gain, and no period for over a year. It shuts down the baby making factory. It’s really cheap too. The only cost is getting the shot but your insurance should cover it.
As far as standing up to people, oh on the daily at work but never to my family…that’s something I need to work on.
10Personally, I just go quiet and restate my case. In a situation which I cannot make public, I never once giggled or cried (my natural reaction). I answered every question quietly and politely, and restated my case over and over again. It was the first (and maybe only time!) I’ve ever been so brave - but I really believed (and still do) in what I was saying.
11The hardest person for me to stand up to is my parents, my Dad in particular. Sometimes he just steps over the line, and as much as I want to knod my head politely, I can’t. I’ve told him that I will choose my own major, marry the man I want to WHEN I want to, and use my uterus/ovaries when ever I feel like it - and as much as I respect his opinion, having kids is up to me and my husband. We don’t talk often because whenever he calls, all he does is lecture me about the right way to live my life. Gah!
12I used to be like that, well I would actually burst into tears even though my doctor was the one who delivered me and I had known him all my life!
Then one day I realised that one of my good friends is a dentist and you know what? I know things he doesn’t. Sure he knows about dentistry but there are lots of things he doesn’t know about.
Just because someone spent a long time in school studying doesn’t make them all knowing about everything. We both know a lot of OB/GYNs know a lot obout womens bodies but you know who knows more about your body? You. So next time you go in to see him tell him to spare you the lecture, you researched heavily into your birth options and decided that a home birth was for you and other than this little tear issue your sons birth and your birth experience were amazing moments and if would like to know more then he is free to ask.
Yes it is hard and scary to stand up to authority figures but once you do it will be so liberating. It’s not like your going in there and telling him you are positive you have cancer, you are telling him that home birth is a safe option and you and your son are living proof.
Or you could always stick your tongue out at him when he turns his back.
13Ughh, I hate it when that happens at the Dr. I’m sure he had your best interest at heart, but really, that was, as you said, a lecture made too late.
Jenna, I know you already have this doctor, but seriously, the absolute best Dr. I’ve ever gone to is Aimee Wright, she’s a bit of a drive bc she’s off of Coit and George Bush, by the Central Market.
She spends an HOUR doing my annual well woman exam, because she always allots at least 20 minutes for just talking. She is open, and friendly, she loves questions, she’s never been dismissive or made me feel stupid, she’s thorough, and she’s thoughtful and respectful. She found a mole on my back during my well woman exam that a dermatologist pshawed me about, it worried her, she had it removed, and lo and behold it was pre-cancerous. I literally cannot say enough good things about her.
I know you’re about to move and it’s a long drive, but I would suggest this woman to anyone, and have in the past. She is such a find and seriously one of the major reasons I was sad to leave Dallas was that I had to leave her!
Marissa C Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Ooo…I’m in need of someone and that is near where I work. One question, though-we are doing Natural Family Planning and I don’t want to be harangued about birth control-will she push it on me?
Sophia Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I don’t think she would. She knows I’m a vegetarian bordering on vegan, and most doctors have given me an eye roll and then launched into a lecture on nutrition- which always makes me wonder, do they make sure people that eat meat aren’t just scarfing meat and potatoes and soda all day?? Seriously : /- and that’s kind of an unusual lifestyle, so I think she’d be cool with your birth control choices. In general, she’s super open and laid back, and I’ve never gotten a judgmental vibe from her, so I think you’d be good
Marissa C Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Thanks-I’ll check her out!
This is a great story - and what I get from it is, you clearly made the right decision to have a home birth. Outside of all the statistics, you made the right decision for you. I am 32 weeks along. One thing I love about my midwife is that when I go for my appointment, I am the one in control. I weigh myself, check my own urine, take my own blood pressure (she has a handy device that goes on your wrist). She encourages me to make my own decisions. But if I were seeing an OB, I would be like you were at your appointment. I wouldn’t be able to speak up for what I do or don’t want to have happen at my birth. Because all those certificates and the Dr. title are intimidating!
15As to a time I stood up to an authority figure, the first time was probably in the 5th grade, when I told my huge, male gym teacher that yelling at us didn’t make us respect him, it made us fear him, and that, if I were him, I’d rather be respected than feared, lol. I was a philosophical little one.
But, it’s important to note that didn’t come out of nowhere, it was fostered in me. From the time I was very little my father made it clear that we were able to question him. Not be disrespectful, but question him. He freely apologized, admitted when he was wrong, and gave us structured situations in which to make our own decisions. He also talked about times when people in government/positions of authority had been wrong- I grew up very involved in discussions of social justice, politics, learning about activists, etc. Plus, I had two gay uncles and I lived in a very conservative 30,000 pop town. By the time I was 13 I had the “defending my family” speech down pat
What I’m saying is, it truly takes practice. I think I went to a Unitarian Universalist service when I was young once and we role played how to stand up for ourselves in different situations. As cheesy as it sounds, if you’d like to have a good conversation with your Dr. about your choices, it would be helpful to make up a little speech. Choose three main points, some backing research, and give a short, succinct reason for why you chose homebirth. It doesn’t have to be an argument or a debate, and you could even preface it with “you know, the last time I came in here I was kind of caught off guard, but I really wanted to let you know I didn’t come to a homebirth decision lightly. I….” and then go into some points. You could even thrown in at the end “I understand there is certainly a time and a place for OB’s, and that’s precisely why I came in.”
There have been a few times when I have bitten my tongue, or not said all I thought I should, and I have later regretted it, so I can sympathize with the “Dangit, WHY didn’t I say something/more”. Who knows, you might spark a research frenzy in him, and he may become a convert to healthy moms using midwives
Cristin Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Sophia - I love the idea of addressing the challenge at the next appointment by saying, “you know, the last time I came in…” as you wrote above. I think that’s classy and shows that Jenna is not afraid of discussing this issue.
Sophia Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
I just love how honest it is to just flat out say “you know, I wanted to say something, but I was taken aback, so that’s why I’m saying it now”. It really reinforces to the listener that what they said had an impact, and that the speaker feels the need to address it, without it seeming aggressive/bitter.
Jenna,
You should really consider saying something or sending him a note. I am a formerly super-shy/conflict averse person who has been working on becoming more assertive. It feels so good to speak your mind, and people generally respond really well. I am always very polite and calm, and if I’m going to speak up in person I practice, practice, practice. I think just saying something simple like, “In our last appointment, I felt uncomfortable with the way you addressed my home birth. I did a lot of research and was very well prepared for the birth, which went very smoothly. I very much respect doctors and I know that home births are not the right choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for me and my husband.” Or, if that makes you uncomfortable, send a note, since you’re a good writer. If he’s really “jovial” he probably doesn’t want to make people uncomfortable, and it might save some other women the same heartache.
Sophia Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Ah, that wording is lovely and succinct, and gets the point across without being aggressive/confrontational. Unless the Dr. was looking for a fight, it would be *very* hard for him to turn a statement like this into a debate.
This whole story makes me insulted for you. I hate, hate, hate, being patronized. Sounds like you’re okay with letting it just blow over, so that’s good.
My one question is about the tear. You had mentioned in your birth post that you healed something like 18 days after birth - much quicker than hospital births. (And obviously this OB agreed with that.) Is this just one lingering tear that just didn’t heal?
18Haha. I have a problem with authority I guess because if confronted by someone who I feel is talking down to me or making me feel stupid, I ain’t afraid to “stick-it-to-the-man”. Maybe I just care too much of how people think of me, but I get frustrated when people who obviously are smart put me in a position where I’m “supposed” to feel less entitled to come to the conclusion I have. I’m curious what his actual issue is with home birth? For me it’s not so much about the statistics, but safety and (probably more important to me) comfort. If you are in a safe environment and are comfortable at the same time, aren’t you more likely to have a better outcome? That’s (in my opinion anyway
) why you had such a “remarkable” recovery. Wooo! Haha. I could carried away on this. I just don’t like when people feel the need to criticize people (but women especially) about their choices when they don’t know enough about the choice.
19Arg. It does annoy me that he lectured you. I don’t know what I would have done. Probably the same thing though. Maybe not laugh, but take it in and pretend I was listening. Then I would go home and complain to every person in sight. hahah.
20I don’t giggle, I cry! I can’t help it
I even started tearing up last night in puppy training class when I wanted to speak up to the instructor! Sigh…I am almost 30, so I don’t see myself changing anytime soon. What to do?!
21Sorry, I forgot to ask - is everything thing okay? I hope so!! xo
22Ugh…ob/gyns just worry me in general. I’m Catholic and my fiancé and I want to use Natural Family Planning, but I’m afraid of being pestered about it when I go in for an appointment. I know of some ob/gyns in the area who are NFP only, but they are all men, and for some reason, that bothers my soon-to-be husband??? (the man who will have to learn how to give a pelvic exam in medical school in under a year, and who is the son of an ob/gyn!!)
So in a weird sort of way, I understand your pain?
23I would rather giggle than cry hysterically, which is what I tend to do when I try to confront authority figures or almost anyone (and I really don’t cry that often; what is it about confrontation that triggers it??). But I think I’m like you. Even though I’m crying and you are giggling, we’re both completely comfortable in our own position and we realize the other person is the one not understanding. And that probably IS the reason they’re lecturing or being hard-nosed; they don’t understand your side.
We’re trying to conceive and my mom has told me about a THOUSAND times already to flat out tell the doctor what you need. She said it’s your body, your life, they can just deal with it. I have a crappy doctor as well, my complaint was they wouldn’t listen to my questions. Nothing like an insensitive doctor, sheesh! Stick it to him, Jenna! Do it for all of us that wish we could too!
24Don’t beat yourself up too much. Do you really think he would have listened and agreed with you anyway? I do that all the time, where I wish I could go back in time and say something different. But in most cases, what do I really expect to be different?
Would the doc have said, “Why YES Jenna, you’re RIGHT! I think I’ll quit my (very lucrative) career as an ob/gyn and begin doing home births exclusively!” I’m not trying to be smart or sassy with you (you’ve been through enough already!) I just hope you don’t beat yourself up because nothing would be different HAD you started sprouting statistics.
I’ve had a bad experience with an ob/gyn also where I was joking and giggling even though I knew better. My new rule when it comes to ob/gyns… NO OLD MEN!
Way to go on healing so well too, btw!
25I seriously love my OBGYN. Now I’m nowhere near being pregnant but I’d recommend him. He’s at Presby Plano and he’s LDS, used to the the stake president of the Denton or Plano Stake. His name is Dr. Bryant Herzog. Sweet as can be.
26I remember when I was about 19 and had mono. Our regular family physician was out for the day, so I had to settle for someone else. This doctor asked me if I needed birth control. When I was in the office for mono. My mom, who was in the room with me answered for me. The doctor very rudely said, “I was speaking to your DAUGHTER.” And instead of standing up and saying that I did not need birth control because I was not married and was saving myself for my wedding night, I just giggled and said “no thanks.” I wish I had stuck up for my mom a little bit and shared my convictions!
Don’t feel bad. Doctors can be completely intimidating, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stand up to one! Just be glad you made the informed decision that you did about having a home birth, and don’t let the doctor make you feel bad. He is the ignorant one!
Dienaid Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 4:13 am
While that is rude of him, I kind of understand that - but in that case she shouldn’t have been in the room. Growing up, I knew many girls that were making the choice to have sex but weren’t in charge of their own birth control because their parents were involved in the matter. I wish their doctors had insisted that they make the decision instead of accepting their parent’s answer. Too many of those girls went on to become pregnant so young - which I do not judge them for, but I do sympathize when they admit that it has been very difficult.
Oh Jenna, sorry you had a less than pleasant experience. Other than that though, is everything OK?
28Good for you for giggling! I would probably be upset. Plus, there’s no use for him wasting him time on something that’s over and done with, leaving you with no problem with your tear, and a gorgeous son!
29A few months ago, I went into my ob/gyn for my annual checkup. I was being pummeled with stuff at work and super busy, and after flipping through my agenda realized it’d been a year, so I scheduled a check-up- accidentally missing the fact that I’d actually gone six months prior and didn’t need to. So I was sitting in the exam room, talking with the nurse while she was asking about my history, etc. She flipped through my chart and said “Why the heck are you here anyway? It’s only been six months!”. I realized right away that she was right, as she started rolling her eyes and (VERY audibly) muttering that I was wasting her time. Excuse me, your highness! I then apologized for my mistake, and asked to get a refill on my birth control. She then YELLED AT ME that I didn’t need an appointment for birth control. I was in tears at that point and thought about meekly slinking off. But then I thought of the million other times that I’d done that and told her “you know what? I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you in any way, but everybody makes mistakes. I’ve had nothing but wonderful experiences in this office, but you’re making me re-think ever coming here again. I’ll be speaking with the doctor about your conduct”. She just shut her mouth and walked out of the room. I spoke with her, then found out on my last visit that she’d been fired later on for further misconduct. The nerve!
I think women are so conditioned not to rock the boat that many times that we should we just clam up, or think that our complaints are out of line. Good luck finding a new doctor!
Sophia Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Good for you for standing up for yourself Katie! And you’re right about women being culturally conditioned to “play nice and be sweet”. Even just standing up for ourselves can seem like we’re being “bitchy” or “pushy” or “mean”.
Maybe there’s a reason this guy was more available than the others.
However, I think the content of his lecture is the same you would have gotten from any doctor.
I try my best not to tear up when I’m confronted. However, I would rather tear up than back down. Sometimes I don’t mind letting people know that they are being jerks by bullying the woman in the room.
31Authority figure or not, as long as you approach it in a calm, respectful manner, you should certainly let him know how much thought and research you put into the decision. As a physician, my husband loves dealing with well-informed patients, even if their opinions differ — as long as they don’t “attack” him for the type of medicine he chooses to practice, he is always happy to have a rational discussion about pros and cons. While I agree it would be odd to bring it up at your second appointment, when you move and have to find a new OB/GYN, if you have a similar experience, certainly speak up about the reasons WHY you opted for a home birth!
32wait, did i miss something? i’ve never thought of any of my doctors as authority figures since i started paying for my own health care. the doctor is a trained professional who provides a service. maybe during your next appointment you let “consumer” jenna be in charge. you are paying them (with input from your insurance company) for a service, not to be judged or lectured for how you live your life.
33also, did your midwife not have a recommendation or is your back up doctor not available?
I hate that your doc did this to you! My mom is actually an OBGYN and her attitude is that as long as there aren’t complications, “Anyone can catch a baby.” I think some docs have a God Complex thing going on, maybe even more so when they’re OBs and feel like they bring babies into the world. (When in reality, the real work isn’t in their hands.)
34Ok all that giggling and not speaking your mind is exactly one more reason why homebirth is good. You got to be the expert at homewith the guidance of your midwife. At a doctor’s office which is usually rushed, stark, and where the doctor has the great educational advantage, patients aren’t comfortable asking the questions they need to or advocating on their own behalf.
35I’m a community health educator, and a lot of people act the same way!
This story makes me so angry and I’m sorry you had to go through it. I love my OB/GYN and it’s so unfortunate you had to deal with someone so judgemental.
Question: do you see a midwife for you annual exams? Who was prescribing your birth control before? Could that person have done an exam for you?
I’m glad you were able to get in for a visit, but I think you should definitely shop around for any future visits. I’d start asking people you know/bloggers in Chicago for recommendations. That’s how I found mine and it was a great match.
36When I find I’m being put in a weird spot with an authority figure, I generally calmly and collectedly ask “What do you mean by that?” or “Can you explain that to me?”
I find that it gives the person an opportunity to stop and think, and generally they come back with a much more objective answer than whatever nonsense they’ve just said. It also forces them to see me as a person that is inquisitive and interested.
One time in an interview, I had my boss-to-be say “I don’t think you could handle this job.” After I asked him to explain himself, I then was able to provide an actual response to his comment, and it was delivered in a level and concise manner. I got the job, and I’ve been using that kind of tactic ever since.
For doctors, well, I think if you don’t feel like you can discuss your health needs and be yourself in front of them, I’d find another doctor. I actually asked my current PCP if she’d be my doctor when she was covering for another doctor I didn’t like so much. I love her and I could tell we were going to be a great partnership from the start.
37Just stand up to an authority figure once, and every other time will be easy! You know what you know, have confidence in that.
38Sometimes that’s all you can do for ignorant folks: giggle. Because they can be just so ridiculous. You had a trained midwife and he still lectured you. How appalling. To me, you responded how I would.
I feel that even if you were armed with all the research that you supplied us (Thank you, BTW.), he would have still felt the same way. Some people are just a lost cause and it is a waste of breath to try to inform them of other opinions.
39Now, I’m not saying this about home birth, but I REALLY hope you find a GYN you are comfortable with and whom you can trust. Not for your birth issues, but because I believe every woman needs and deserves someone they can go to with their most personal problems without fear or judgment or embarrassment.
I found the most wonderful doctor in Austin (though I have heard she is not a home-birth supporter, go figure, but I don’t plan to become pregnant, so a big deal for me right now), and even though I always DREAD my appointments, as soon as she walks in the room, she puts me COMPLETELY at ease, takes as much time as I need to go over my questions, and is always just so wonderful. I think every woman deserves a doctor like mine, who truly makes the annual lady’s visit as painless as possible.
Anyway, a long way of saying: KEEP LOOKING! and good luck!
40Don’t ever get me started on doctors treating people like they are dumb. You think I leave long posts normally - you’ll get a long post if I tell you everything I think on this topic.
Being Grant’s mommy has subjected me to all sorts of moments were I’ve been talked down to, talked about and laughed at behind our backs (by a nurse while Grant was in the NICU), lectured, and well - even the worst night of my life in a long time occured because of a doctor not treating me as an equal and trusting that I knew what I was talking about with my OWN child (and I was proved right in the end, thankyouverymuch).
I may not stand up for myself 99% of the time, but when I know I’m right and especially when you are messing with my boys, I will give you a piece of my mind. It’s as if this more powerful Katy emerges. You’ll definately not keep quiet and submit when it comes to T1 - that confident mama bear will come out.
Doctors may be experts in medical knowledge (they do deserve our respect for that and for their schooling), but YOU are the expert in YOU and in your baby boy.
{this is where I finger snap and say “you go girl!”}
41Wow! First off, I can’t believe that jerk-hole! It’s not his job to judge others personal decisions and beliefs! Just fix your hoo-ha in a kind and professional manner and go on your way.
Second, I react the same way with authority figures and it drives me nuts. It’s such a horrible feeling being talked down to, but when you are caught off guard and are put on the spot like that it can be so difficult to react in a mature way without breaking down in tears or forgetting everything you ever learned on the subject you are talking about.
This really inspires me to stand up for myself more, so thanks for this post Jenna!
42I LOVE period suppression. It’s truly wonderful and I am wondering how to keep my doctor from finding out that I’m doing it because I’m afraid she’ll disapprove (and, yanno, giggly + authority figure). I might switch to NuvaRing for this purpose, which I’ve read can also suppress periods if kept in for a month instead of 3 weeks.
43If anything else comes up, can you get an appointment with the GYN you normally go to for annual exams? It might be easier to get an appointment there, and they might be nicer to you there. Best of luck!
44I totally do the same thing around people in “power”. I make excuses for myself and get sort of submissive and awkward for the sake of not being rude (when in fact, THEY are being rude). In fact, I just did this with someone on the phone when I should’ve just told them what I was really thinking instead of being nice. Also, I tend to tell nurses “it’s ok” when they miss putting my IV in a few times. Like being nicer will make them try harder? Also my voice starts shaking when I try to put someone in their place, no matter who they are. Don’t feel bad, I’m sure if i was in your shoes, I probably would’ve acted the same way and beat myself up over it for too long.
Really, you could write a letter to the head of the practice (or director, whoever, depending on the type of clinic it is) and tell him you felt attacked for your personal choice that ALREADY occurred. Tell the person you felt belittled by the doctor and that you don’t appreciate condescending remarks and therefore will not be returning to the practice, nor will you be recommending people to him. Whether or not anything comes of it, who knows, but if you’re me, you’d probably feel a million times better after you pen an awesome letter and send it to someone in a REAL authority position.
45I have had so many doctor experiences like this. Here’s a favorite: in to see a new OB/GYN and he asks me if I want the HPV vaccine. I say, “no thank you, I’m married” and he says “well things change.” Ummm REALLY?! So I answered, “not for me, they don’t.” and he said “well you can’t ever be 100% certain of what your partner is doing.” I suppose. But I am 110% certain he is faithful. So I told him “I am actually more concerned that my husband will die in a car accident than I am that he will cheat on me.” I definitely got an eye roll.
So I sometimes can stick up for myself like a bad a$$, and other times I’m quiet and I cry later. My secret for the successful times? Remembering that I am a person of value. I don’t treat ANYONE poorly, and shouldn’t suffer through the same. I am intelligent, I have rights (like the right to do whatever works for me) and I am a grown-up. Then I softly restate my case. If the other person talks over me or doesn’t listen I will say, very calmly, “I’m sorry that you aren’t listening to what I have to say, as I considered what you said, and will continue to” and end the conversation. I always want people to know that I will reconsider my stance and challenge myself daily, and they should hold themselves to the same standard. (sorry this was so long)
Grace Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 5:26 am
I’ve had a similar experience over the HPV vaccine. When I was in high school, the Australian government did a program where it was free for all girls within certain ages. I refused the vaccine for similar reasons then, and until the program ended, every single doctor I had would try to push it on me. I started feeling a little irked by the end of it. I SAID NO ALREADY
Cécy Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 8:05 am
The US government forces foreign citizen who are here to marry an American (coming on a fiance or spouse visa) to get that vaccine. The thing is, it’s proven that once you start having intercourse the vaccine becomes pretty much pointless. I never understood the move of the US government when you consider that the majority of people who like me got married and applied for a green card are already married and yes have had sex. Anyhow, getting off subject.
I don’t think it’s a matter of “bowing down” so to speak to an authority persons credentials as I do not speaking up a choice for not causing drama and confrontation. People have their own opinions obviously but they have no right to lecture others on their choices and assume they were made hastily. I find that I want to open my mouth (and definitely have more than once) to people that lecture me as a lower more uneducated person, and in these instances I find that they leave me no satisfaction, sure I got my point and word across but in the end it is still a confrontation and we still do not see eye to eye… so now as a bit more patient and older individual I have learned sometimes it’s easier to giggle and let them say their piece and just know that they are the ones sounding like nincompoops for not asking your standpoint and reason behind the decision before the lecturing…
I hope this made sense…
47Not to excuse or defend rude or arrogant behavior, but I think that doctors sometimes come off this way because they are trying to be informative, albeit in a somewhat offensive fashion. Oftentimes, they have seen the very raw and negative consequences of certain choices that people make, and it has deeply impacted them. Perhaps they are attempting to keep other people from being in an unfortunate situation.
While a choice may make perfect sense to one person due to personal convictions, someone who has seen the same choice (and by choice, I mean any healthcare choice, not just homebirth) made over and over with negative outcomes may see it differently. It’s easy for them to assume that you are just being naive. I think your ob/gyn should have asked you about your choices before lecturing you because he might have been pleasantly surprised with your responses ;o)
48It’s difficult to respond with confidence in the heat of the moment. I would have cried, so I think you did better than I could have. Besides, the truth is any heartfelt, informed, and intelligent comments you could have made defending your choices would have been lost on him anyway. People like that don’t want to hear your take on things or how well you’ve studied the subject- they assume that their way is best.
Sorry you experienced yet another narrow-minded health care provider. Just glad to hear that you’re doing well recovering… both physically and emotionally.
49I’d be the worst example. I still remember going to an ophthalmologist in France and telling the Dr that I had been seeing an optometrist because he gave us exercises for our eyes and we loved it. I got scolded, literally. I don’t remember all the details but I think I tried to justify our choice and the Dr said we pretty much did not belong here, did not finish the appointment with me, never started my brother and literally had us leave his office. He kicked us out and I had barely said a thing.
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