16 Nov
The Next Few Weeks
I may not be shooting much, but I have albums to design and orders to process (oh yes, and thousands of photos to edit too!) because everyone wants their orders before Christmas so they can give away gifts, which means I don’t have much motivation to write on That Wife this week.
But… next week I’ll be in Washington which means several days of relaxing AND free babysitting from the grandparents. Yippee!
T1 says “Hurry and take me to grandma’s house!”
On my list of posts I would like to write sometime soon:
My Ikea experience and pampering pregnant women/abandoning mothers
Our lack of a schedule in our parenting style
My guide to Vienna
The results of the That Wife readership survey
My weight loss so far (the journey in pictures!)
Day in the Life with a 6+ month old
My experience being a mother so far
CSA’s and how I’m working to eat local this winter
How we are feeding T1 so far
If I were to write about anything, what would you want it to be? Not like I need to add to that list or anything…
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I have been really interested in your Ikea post since you first mentioned it. Otherwise, I don’t have any suggestions. I just enjoy reading everything you write!!
1Oooo that looks like a great list! Can’t wait till you’re ready to write again!
2I’m also now very curious about the ikea post since you first wrote on twitter/fb about it.
My second choice would be weight loss story
3I’m very interested in another day-in-the-life post, and your experience being a mother so far. I’ll look forward to reading those!
4I’m interested in the day-to-day stuff of having a baby (basically what you’re already planning). I’m 5 months pregnant and just cannot picture what life will be like soon!
5That list looks great. T1 is adorable
6I’d like to see a post on your opinion on what women should look for in a husband.
7Oooh have fun next week!
8I like all of the post topics! I’m especially interested in the weight loss pictures (cause I bet there is a big difference!)
9Now I’m really curious about the Ikea post! hmmm…
10The first, because I want to weigh in.
Here, I’ll do it here: people are weird about their babies, so people like me who are friendly innocent bystanders now stay away. I’ve been griped at for offering to help someone carry their baby crap off an airplane (“I can handle it - don’t touch it!”), for cooing at babies, for smiling at babies, and for offering to pick something up that was dropped (“your germs!”). So I don’t.
I’ll offer to help a pregnant woman, but people are weird about babies so I don’t. I think you should stop expecting to be helped and just ask for it - nice people around you will help, most of the time.
There are a-holes that make things bad for everyone on both sides, so cut us some slack.
I once offered my seat to an elderly person and he snapped at me, “What? Are you saying I’m TOO OLD TO STAND?” So rarely do I offer help to old people now, even though intellectually I know not everyone is like that guy.
Rant over. I just see this cycle of new moms griping about how nobody helps them and I want you to consider the other side.
In fact, I think I just read a rant from someone about how they don’t like people talking to them about their babies, something perceived as butting in, though when I read the story I thought the person was just trying to help out. Blue-eyed bride did a similar post a while back about this and about things not to say to pregnant women, but for heaven’s sakes, can someone tell me what I CAN say?
Help an innocent bystander out!!
kylydia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Marisa, I actually really agree with this.
I don’t know what happened at Ikea, but I find myself holding back in offering help so as not to be rebuked for being creepy/weird by noticing that a mom might have her hands full.
I do help older people, especially at the grocery store ( ican reach the high shelves easily). That help has always been well-received.
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Marisa, I agree that it can be hard to know when to offer help! I’ve had the same thing happen to me when I tried to offer my seat to an older woman- she snapped that she was “just fine, THANK YOU”. I’ve also heard every. single. one. of my pregnant friends gripe about how people treat them like they’re “breakable and can’t do anything” and how “annoying it is to be treated like a child and coddled”, so I’ve stopped helping unless they ask. I’ve offered to hold a baby while the woman next to me ate her meal, and she looked at me like I was going to steal her child or something.
So, my rule of thumb now is that if a mom/pregnant woman/elderly person/differently abled person looks like they are obviously in distress- say, struggling to get a stroller through a door, or having to tend to a 2 year old while their 4 year old bolts down the grocery aisle, or leaning on a cane when there are no seats- I’ll help. Other than that, like you, I’ve been burned way too many times to just offer help in general.
Meg Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Seems like common sense to me that if you see ANYONE struggling you offer a helping hand. We are always going to interact with people who are the minority (to me, someone yelling and being rude when someone helps them is the minority)and get upset. But I don’t think ‘not helping’ people should be a general rule.
I’m actually sad with your comment Marisa, for not offering your seat to older people. Seems to me you have the critical thinking to understand that one person being snippy shouldn’t affect the rest of a population who is desperate need of kindness in a society that is largely disrespectful.
I’m a new mother and also traveled on a plane with a three month old baby and a lot of crap and I literally had to sigh loudly several times, grunt, say “Gosh..this is soooooo heavy..”, and just about topple over before someone actually helped me. All I could think was “Where is the kindness?”
Christine Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I think Marisa’s point (ranty as it was:-)) was that if you need help you should ask for it. So, instead of sighing loudly, grunting, and making indirect exclamations to try and get what you need, just ask for what you need!
Meg Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
That’s two fold. I should ask and people should offer. One shouldn’t wait for the other.
married in chicago Reply:
November 18th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
i just think this is an absolutely ridiculous way to approach life. If you need or want help, it is your responsibility to ask. It is completely unreasonable to expect that people should just offer you help without any indication from you that you would like it. Do you realize how entitled that sounds?
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Meg, I agree it’s common sense, that was my point- that, since it’s clear a struggling person needs- and probably wants- help, that I will offer to help them without feeling like I’m encroaching on their space. And many times I have offered help even without a visible need for it, if it seems like the help is needed.
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Meg, I agree with Christine- I ask for help if it’s needed. It’s much easier than being passive aggressive by sighing loudly, and grunting, and saying “Gosh this is soooooooo heavy”. It would have taken a fraction of that effort to simply ask someone for help.
In regards to your comment “I should ask and people should offer” I have to say I usually go by what my father always told me- I’m the only one whose actions I can control 100% of the time, and I’m the only one who knows what I need and want. So I almost always lean towards “asking” instead of depending on others to “offer”. It would assure the helper that they aren’t being intrusive, and I would get the help I needed. Unless someone was just totally jerky and didn’t help me, even when I asked. But most people are not totally jerky.
Marisa Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Agreed, though this is also likely colored by the fact that most of my interactions with people (sad but true) are in airports, and people are generally weird in airports? But look, if I see a mom wiping down everything her child can touch with antibacterial wipes, I’m not going to offer help. I have better things to do that get sniped at.
It is very much a two-way street, agreed, but my ranty point was that if you want different reactions from people, 1) consider why they might not be reacting like you want and 2) offer guidance for what they should do.
Seriously, what CAN you say to a pregnant woman that isn’t thoughtless, frustrating, typical or uncaring?
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Marisa- Yes, this exactly “1) consider why they might not be reacting like you want and 2) offer guidance for what they should do.”
And of course Jenna this isn’t aimed at, just a general discussion!
Crystal Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I think you should offer help 100 times, even if you get turned down 99…..
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
To clarify my original comment-I’m not a crotchety old crank who never helps anyone
When I say “I’ve been burned way too many times to just offer help in general.” I am talking about very specific situations, in public places, with strangers from whom I am getting a distinct “leave me alone I’ve got this” vibe. Not “I don’t help anybody, ever, unless they’re screaming for it!”. By that same token, I don’t think that Marisa has sworn off ever helping any old person again. She (and I) were sharing our stories of having bad experiences of helping others, and how that makes us more hesitant to do so without seeing a clear need for help, or feeling that our help would be welcome. Her comment (and my reply) may not have been nuanced enough to encompass the myriad social interactions she and I have each day, because it was just a funny rant on a blog, and I responded because it resonated with me, and I thought her “help an innocent bystander out!” was quite funny and implied that the whole rant was pretty light hearted.
Marisa Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
It was! Also, in two paragraphs you won’t get nuanced anything. You should get challenged to consider another perspective, though, which was my point!
That said, I did go through sensitivity training that makes me perfectly comfortable asking “so what is this holiday you’re celebrating? Tell me about it!” (Diwali) and asking in a straightforward manner if a handicapped person in a wheelchair would like a push. Easy peasy!
So, when do please try to offer helpful suggestions if you’re going to rant about how the world reacts to new mothers, kay? Lots of us are willing but not sure how to act/ offer so we’re not the person you complain won’t leave you and your baby alone!
Sophia Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Meg-
It just occurred to me that your saying this- “Seems like common sense to me that if you see ANYONE struggling you offer a helping hand.” could be in response to the examples I gave of helping a pregnant woman, or an elderly person, and a differently abled person. If so, I’m sure you’ll understand that I chose the examples I did because they were pertinent to the discussion at hand. Of course I didn’t mean to imply that I will offer help “if and only if these three specific groups of people are obviously struggling.”
I want to know about the readership survey, and what it is like to have a 6 month old.
12Good luck dealing with all your photography stuff!
I’m also interested to hear about your IKEA experience.
13I read your site site now as a new mommy! I haven’t left too many comments just because having two free hands these days with a baby is RARE.
While I know you don’t want to make your blog a ‘mommy blog’ per se, I am definitely more drawn to finding a camaraderie (sp?) among moms just because I have this constant egging hovering feeling of **”Am I doing this right/best?”** Which is obviously a personal hang up- I know there isn’t a perfect way to parent or better way to do things- because when it comes to your kid you cater to the needs of tat particular child. But still I love to hear how other mothers found a different approach to doing the same thing I might be struggling with myself.
14So these posts strike me as the most interesting:
Our lack of a schedule in our parenting style; 1) Day in the Life with a 6+ month old 2) My experience being a mother so far.
Looking forward to all the posts. I just had to comment and say T1′s hair in that picture is super cute!
15I vote for ‘a day in the life’ and ‘how you’re feeding T1′
oh and definitely the lack of a schedule, because I have been ALL ABOUT a schedule since our daughter was born (11 months now) but I’ve always been a little torn about whether that was the right way to go. curious about the other side. especially for our next baby…
16are you going to write about a Polish wedding any time soon?
Jenna Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Why yes! I’ve been working my way through the photos but it tales some time because the groom won’t allow me to show his face. If only he would change his mind!
I’d love to see an update on your weight loss and your experience being a mother/going without a schedule.
I’m especially interested in the no scheduling thing- so many people act like not scheduling your child is some horrific parental faux pas. Not being a parent, it’s hard for me to understand the “great debate” about scheduling vs. no scheduling.
18I would love to hear more exercise/weight loss stories.
19I think one on LDS holidays/how LDS celebrate holidays would be interesting.
20I would really like to read more about your experiences in Europe in general, but mostly now that you’re married to TH and you’re not a tourist anymore, but part of an European family. Well, part of an European family and a foreigner at the same time. That’s what I find so interesting.
As a side note, have you considered European citizenship for yourself?
Jenna Reply:
November 17th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
No. Right now there isn’t any reason for me to do that. But maybe there will be some changes in the future that would cause me to look into that?
Ok…forget everything else. Can I just say that he is the cutest kid ever!
22I really can’t wait to read about your motherhood experience so far! But I love everything you write, so I’m not picky!
23i’m super late to the party, but i would love to hear your thoughts on / experience with flying and the TSA screenings. touchy subject that everyone has a stance on, but i think i want your take.
Jenna Reply:
November 19th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Oh man that is a touchy subject indeed. Maybe.