06 Feb
The LDS Church and Birth Control
This is not a discussion of my own choices regarding birth control, but an attempt to make the LDS Church’s stance on this point clear as I would consider this topic to be one of a few that are most frequently touched on when questions are asked regarding Mormon doctrine. I think this question is so frequent because the Catholic doctrine regarding birth control is so commonly known, and since we are a Church with a large number of doctrines that come across as very controlling and manipulative (no alcohol, chastity, modest dress) there are those who wonder if the LDS position is similar to the Catholic faith.
I’ve written previously on the emphasis the LDS faith places on the importance of having children. I consider it to be one of the core doctrines of the Church, and think that the Lord has made it abundantly clear that the purpose of life is for an individual to come to be earth to be tested, marry, and have kids (thus providing other souls the opportunity to come to earth and be tested as well). Leaders of the Church have released statements such as:
Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity.
Those who are physically able have the blessing, joy, and obligation to bear children and to raise a family. This blessing should not be postponed for selfish reasons.
and
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. The Family: A Proclamation to the World
And
You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits. . . . And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. Spencer W. Kimball
In short, have kids. It’s really, really important for you, and for them.
When it comes to how many kids to have, and when, that decision is left up to the individual couple. The General Handbook of the Church says:
Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have a great responsibility not only for bearing children but also for caring for them through childhood…. Married couples should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel.
In a Church that greatly emphasizes the importance of Free Agency, it makes sense that the answer to this question would be “Talk to your spouse, pray about it, work to understand what the Lord wants for you.” I don’t know how many kids we will have, but I’ve always said that we’re taking it one at a time, and this is why. Right now we know we want to have at least one more child after I am at a healthy weight, and when it comes time to talk about another addition we’ll pray about it, together, and decide from there. Someday I will stand before God and answer to my choices and why I made them, this is an area where I depend on the Holy Ghost to help me understand when I am choosing what God wants for me, and when I might be putting my own selfish interests before His.
Elective abortion is the only form of birth control that is strictly forbidden, all others are left up to the individual couple to research and decide upon. On the Enyclopedia of Mormonism site (which is a site run by a group of LDS Editors and does not represent the official doctrine of the Church in all areas) I found this quote which I thought was particularly interesting:
If, for personal reasons, a couple prayerfully decides that having another child immediately is unwise, birth control may be appropriate. Abstinence, of course, is a form of contraception. Like any other method, however, it has its side effects, some of which may be harmful to the marriage relationship.
Sexual relationships within a marriage are acknowledged by the Church to be both for bringing children into the world, as well as bringing a couple close together. I appreciate this nod to the side-effects that complete abstinence can have on a marriage relationship, and the Church’s position allows me to make my own decision regarding what my husband and I need in regards to our intimate life.
What I like even more than the emphasis on the sexual relationship of a married couple though, is the emphasis that the mother’s health is not to be put in jeopardy in order to fulfill this calling to bring more children into the world.
Two stories printed in the Ensign, as told by Dr. Homer Ellsworth, help illustrate this:
I recall a President of the Church, now deceased, who visited his daughter in the hospital following a miscarriage.
I recall a President of the Church, now deceased, who visited his daughter in the hospital following a miscarriage.
She was the mother of eight children and was in her early forties. She asked, “Father, may I quit now?” His response was, “Don’t ask me. That decision is between you, your husband, and your Father in Heaven. If you two can face him with a good conscience and can say you have done the best you could, that you have really tried, then you may quit. But, that is between you and him. I have enough problems of my own to talk over with him when we meet!” So it is clear to me that the decisions regarding our children, when to have them, their number, and all related matters and questions can only be made after real discussion between the marriage partners and after prayer.
and
I know a couple who had seven children. The wife, who was afflicted with high blood pressure, had been advised by her physician that additional pregnancy was fraught with grave danger and should not be attempted. But the couple interpreted the teachings of their local priesthood leaders to mean that they should consider no contraceptive measures under any circumstances. She died from a stroke during the delivery of her eighth child.
As I meet other people and learn of their circumstances, I am continually inspired by the counsel of the First Presidency in the General Handbook of Instructions that the health of the mother and the well-being of the family should be considered. Thirty-four years as a practicing gynecologist and as an observer of Latter-day Saint families have taught me that not only the physical well-being but the emotional well-being must also be considered. Some parents are less subject to mood swings and depression and can more easily cope with the pressures of many children. Some parents have more help from their families and friends. Some are more effective parents than others, even when their desire and motivation are the same. In addition, parents do owe their children the necessities of life. The desire for luxuries, of course, would not be an appropriate determinant of family size; luxuries are just not a legitimate consideration. I think every inspired human heart can quickly determine what is a luxury and what is not.
My mom had really terrible pregnancies, and counts as one of those cases where it was more important for her not to have another child, than it was to try to bring more children into the world. So far I count myself as an “easy pregnancy” type of person, so my decision regarding how many/when will be based on lifestyle, emotional well-being, and sincere conversations with the Lord to try to better understand His will for me. The thing I am most grateful for? That I chose a husband who feels the same way I do about this topic. As with all important decisions in life, we’re in this together.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I think you explained this really well!
My fiance and I have two main ideas about this for ourselves. First, no conception during the first year of marriage. Then it’s on the table for discussion. There are big practical and personal reasons we want at least this first year with just ourselves.
Second, to decide how many kids we’ll have it will be a “have two, then talk” situation. We both have similar feelings now on a number, but that is just theorizing. If we felt it should be more or less then we would roll with that.
I guess we also have a third main thought, which is that not all of our children will necessarily be our biological children. Adoption is absolutely on the table.
The great thing about personal revelation is that all of these guidelines and decisions are and will be personalized to us as individuals and as a family. Personal revelation and the gift of the Holy Ghost are two of my favorite gospel doctrines. It really helps me to feel like God is MY father as much as He is the father of ALL of us.
Marissa C Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 9:12 am
I like your idea about no conception the first year. It’s obviously not for everyone (or a bad thing), but I think a ground rule like that would help us. I tend to rush into things and not enjoy what I currently have. I agonized about getting pregnant for 5 months immediately after our wedding before finally deciding that I need to enjoy what I have right now and strengthen other areas of my life first.
Gogo Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 9:14 am
That’s definitely part of why we made this decision.
Cécy Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 12:07 pm
My husband and I lived together before we got married, but we both agreed not to have children in the first two years of our marriage (or at least not to attempt to have any). We wanted to work on the strengh of our marriage, get used to be husband and wife and work on projects that would allow us to welcome children.
I had three “rules” for us: have a steady job, have a honeymoon (still hasn’t happened but we’re willing to waive that one) and have our own house because I didn’t want to risk having to find a place at the end of pregnancy.
Now we’ve been married almost four years and have not started on the kids yet, but I feel thankful that we took our time because that’s what works best for us at this time.
Very interesting!
As a Catholic, I’d like to point out that the Wikipedia article is pretty good on what we believe, but there is much more to the basis for the Church teaching (“sexual acts must be both unitive (express love), and procreative (open to procreation)”) that is explained beautifully by Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. It’s a document that sadly many Catholics have ignored in their decision on whether or not to follow the Church’s teaching.
Jenna-I am curious about the Church’s quote on how abstinence can be harmful. Are they referring to complete abstinence or periodic abstinence (NFP) as well? Personally, I’ve found that periodic abstinence has strengthened our marriage and communication incredibly.
Marissa C Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 9:10 am
*By “Church” I meant the LDS Church
Jackie Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 10:20 am
Question Marissa - do you know if the birth control teaching is dogma? I think it would fall under doctrine, right?
Turtle Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 11:06 am
I was wondering this too. the birth control teaching- is just that a teaching and therefore a doctrine, not dogma. Dogma, I believe, refers to official tenants of the belief structure/system such as those outlined in the creed.
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 12:18 pm
I tried to make sure I was using this word correctly, looking up the definition and a bit of googling but it sounds like I’m incorrect. I’m on my phone but I’ll fix it later!
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I think complete abstinence. Though I’m sure it varies by couple, for a man in particular it can be very difficult to go long periods of time without sex. Masturbation is not allowed, and long periods of time without a release lead to wet dreams, and as a leader once said the man’s body is like a “little factory” producing soldiers that want to have somewhere to go. He needs that physical release and he can only get it with his wife.
Though certainly, a release can be had without traditional sex, but I think that takes away from the “oneness” that is found in vaginal intercourse.
Marissa C Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
Thanks Jenna.
I think you all are right about Dogma/Doctrine. Don’t feel bad Jenna-I didn’t know that either!
Emmie Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Hold up — no masturbation even after you are married??
How did I not know that?
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 6:35 pm
Yep self-sex is off the table (did I make that term up? I think it describes it well).
Emmie Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Wow - I never knew that. See I was terrible at religion!
Emmie Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
omg-I just read this back and I meant I was terrible at religion because I didn’t even know half of the rules-not the other way this comment reads!
Ha! I need to start reading things back to myself!
My husband and I agree that we do not have the time to properly care for a child with my current work situation and his full-time Master’s courses, plus work. When we got married, we knew that this would be our situation for the first two years, and that we would re-evaluate our financial and personal status then. I appreciate your explanation of the LDS Church’s views, and respect the fact that the church understands it is not only important to look to the Lord for guidance in having children, but also your physical and physiological health as well.
3This is interesting. As a Catholic, I have often wonder why the LDS church supports the use of birth control. I know most Protestant religions do too, but it does seem like something the LDS church would oppose.
I think the philosophy behind the teachings are fundamentally different, however. Since the LDS church believes a pre-mortal existence, contraception would have no effect on who gets to be born, just when they get to be born. Am I understanding that right? And does the soul enter the baby’s body at birth or at conception in LDS teaching?
The Catholic church doesn’t teach against birth control because we want more Catholics, more because we believe that every sexual act, as Marrissa C, should be open to life. I’ll admit, I struggle with this teaching. I agree with the philosophy of it, but I think sex can be open to life while using contraception. There was a while where my husband I were using contraception solely for contraceptive purposes, but even then we said we would ultimately take God’s will over ours. Meaning, if God wanted the condom to break, fine by us! We would warmly accept a child. But if he didn’t, we could put it off for a while too.
We changed our minds on this and were practicing NFP for a while, but ultimately I had to go back on birth control due to some severe health problems I had that became evident when I went off. (I, like you, had Interstitial Cystitis, and was also diagnosed with endometriosis. It got to the point that even sitting/lying down/walking became very painful).
Still, whenever we have sex, we are open to life. If we have a miracle baby on the pill (like my little sister!) we would be thrilled. But for now, it is important for me to get healthy.
I asked this on formspring, a while ago, but do you think the reason that the LDS church teaches against elective single life is because there are babies in heaven that need to be born? And thus it would be selfish not to allow them to be born?
Jackie Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
That should say “As Marissa C said”
Gogo Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 5:14 pm
There is no doctrine in the LDS church on when a spirit enters a physical body. We just don’t know.
The other big difference I see in the two views on sex in marriage, is that the LDS church explicitly acknowledges that sex between a husband and wife doesn’t have to, won’t always, and sometimes probably shouldn’t be about creating a life. There are other really important roles that sex plays in a marriage - reasons outside of having a baby that the two of you should be doing it.
Then, you get to decide how many kids you have not because all pre-mortal spirits will get here eventually, though they will, but because what God wants you to do to accomplish His work in your life (like the having on children) is something only you can know. Nobody else can know that for you.
I think the Church teaches against elective single life because by design a man and a woman are meant to be united as one. It’s not about children, though having them is an important of life here and learning to be more like our Father. It’s about mirroring an eternal model for family that governs in the eternities.
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 8:48 pm
I’ll try to answer your qestions:
I’ve never thought of it this way, but the belief in the premortal life and this idea of a “plan” does take some of the pressure off of each of us as couples because we know that, yes, everyone will get here eventually.
The Church has no official position on when life enters the baby. I personally think it doesn’t matter because it’s the act of deciding to kill your fetus instead of raising it that is the sin. Of course this does bring up the question of “Well, don’t hormonal birth control pills abort after implantation”, and I just don’t have a good answer for you. To me, it just isn’t the same as going in at X number of weeks and going through a procedure, but I’m sure there are many that would disagree.
Elective single life means in-vitro or other forms of artificial reproduction, right? This is the official church stance on that:
The Church strongly discourages artificial insemination using semen from anyone but the husband. However, this is a personal matter that ultimately must be left to the judgment of the husband and wife. Responsibility for the decision rests solely upon them.
Artificial insemination of single sisters is not approved. Single sisters who deliberately refuse to follow the counsel of Church leaders in this matter are subject to Church discipline.
J Reply:
February 9th, 2011 at 9:31 am
I assumed that, by elective single life, Jackie was referring to the Catholic teaching that singleness can be a vocation in the Church as much as marriage or the religious life.
Jenna Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 10:33 am
Oh that makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE.
Jackie Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Yup! Sorry for the confusion.
Jenna Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 10:35 am
J clarified the elective single life thing, and I wanted to try to better answer that and say celibacy doesn’t make sense from the LDS standpoint since you cannot be exalted without a spouse. Choosing to remain celibate when you could get married means you are denying yourself God’ greatest reward to His faithful servants.
And yes, your responsibility is to bring children into the world, which is an important part of the equation as well.
Jackie Reply:
February 10th, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Gotcha. I guess I’m still kinda confused about why you have to be married to be exalted/why it’s part of the plan. Maybe its just one of those that’s just how it is beliefs? Not trying to be difficult here, its one of the parts of Mormonism that’s so different from what my church teaches that I have trouble wrapping my head around it!
Annie May Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 6:00 pm
I believe the plan works only when you do things the Lord’s way. We know that men and women need to work together, forming a unit, the beginning of a celestial family. The Lord did not design for a single woman or man or for two women or two men to make a family together. It is not the plan, not how He designed us to function as people or as a family. Why? It’s the way it works…I know that sounds cryptic and mystical but that is not my intention. The Lord’s way will make sense as we live it to the very best of our abilities. When circumstances leave a man as a single father or a woman as a single mother, then they just have to do the best they can, looking to the Lord for direction. That is not a situation to be entered into, on purpose, but when things happen in life, we just have to make the best of things. Does that sound trite. It is not meant to. i know many people who have been hurt deeply by circumstances outside of their control. The Lord allows all of us to exercise our agency (sometimes on one another) so that we can learn by our own experience to become better people, to become more like Christ and hopefully to grow in faith and trust.
Families were created, condoned, ordained and organized by the Lord. If we want the blessings that come from them, we have to create and organize them in the Lord’s way. If we do not, we MAY have blessings, but the Lord is not obligated to bless us.
Good post Jenna. I think you nailed it spot on. I cringe when I hear those stories about mothers getting sick and dying over their efforts to reproduce.
I think not enough stress is put onto the mental state of the mom. Sure, if pregnancies are easy, you could have 10 kids. But if those kids grow up with a mom who is halfway to crazy, then what is the point?
Or, I think people need to think about finances realistically. If those kids grow up completely poor and always struggling, that doesn’t make much sense to me.
Katy Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 11:46 am
Yes, I had an acquiantence in our ward who seemed to struggle quite a bit with depression and other mental issues. Now - I can’t judge because I know I don’t know all the facts, but as they had more and more children I started to wonder ‘Uh, is this really smart given her problems with depression and a husband who is gone a lot b/c of the military & school responsibilites?’ Like I said - can’t through my judgement around too much, but we can’t hear the counsel to have children and just follow it no matter the circumstances. The leaders have done a good job of reminding us that it’s a matter where the *important* factors need to be considered in timing and number.
Gogo Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Mental health is soooo important. And it is something that is really prominent on my and my fiance’s radar screen. I have anxiety and depression. There have been times in my life when I’ve been really sick. If I suffer from severe post-partum depression that will have a strong influence on our baby having decisions. I know mental health issues are just as important and real as physical health factors, but so many other people disregard them in others and in themselves. It can lead to such terribly sad consequences.
This is one thing I really respect in your faith: the freedom of choice left to the couple when it comes to family. I like that they would like you to have children but encourage you to think it through to make the decision that is the best (to your knowledge) for the well being of the family.
I think your decision to wait on being at a healthier wheight is a good one because you’ll be more fit to run after two kids and hopefully have more energy to take care of them both.
6This was very interesting, thank you.
I especially like the fact that the encyclopedia editors acknowledge that abstinence is a contraceptive method that has its share of side effects as well. I have never seen it put quite that way before and I completely agree.
Allow me a bit of nitpicking, though - the Catholic teachings about sex and contraception are not dogma, they’re doctrine.
7I really appreciate this post.
A couple of things… First, I would like to reiterate what Marissa said above about the beauty of Pope John Paul II’s Theology of Body and its emphasis on complete physical and spiritual unity, and total self-giving, between the couple.
As for abstinence being contraception, I think there is a clear distinction between periodic abstinence and using a method of birth control in addition to intercourse. One requires a couple deciding together to not do something for a time, whereas the other (typically) puts something in place (hormonally or physically) to prevent conception. In other words, requires not doing something and the other allows for doing it in a certain way. The ends and the means are different in the two situations.
However, abstinence, most definitely does have its own side effects, which can be difficult. I think the magnitude of the side effects varies from couple to couple and often depends on the nature of a particular woman’s cycles. Whereas some couples practicing NFP only require 4 days or less of abstinence to avoid pregnancy, others may need much longer. Those who practice NFP and whose cycles require a longer period of abstinence, likely carry a greater burden.
While abstinence outside of marriage is, for many reason, very different from abstinence within marriage, I do think that it is possible for both to not only be appropriate at times, but to also strengthen the relationship when used judiciously.
Megan ~ Fertility & NFP Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
*I mean to say “While the end is the same in both situations, the means is different”
Very well written, Jenna. I really enjoyed reading your reasoning and the stance of your church.
DePaul is a Catholic school, though it is considered very diverse and secular. We have a strong presence of many faith traditions and freethinkers/interfaith/skeptics/humanist organizations. The one thing that bothers me above all is DePaul’s stance on birth control - they don’t allow any to be made available, including condoms and hormonal birth control, on campus or in our health clinic.
This really bothers me as we pride ourselves on being interfaith and one of the most liberal universities around, and, not to be brash, but many college students will have sex. Not to mention many students don’t have insurance, and hormonal birth control has medical uses as well.
9As a follower of NFP & as a TOB instructor at my university, I’m so happy to see conversations referencing JPII’s Theology of the Body!
Adding to the Catholic Church’s doctrine regarding the sanctity of all human life, another major reason why the Catholic Church is against birth control is because many methods (the Pill, and IUD for certain) are abortificants. That is to say, they don’t prevent pregnancies from happening; they cause a woman;s body to reject the embryo.
Rachel Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 12:01 am
I just wanted to chime in and say that the combination (estrogen and progestin) pills and IUDs work by preventing ovulation through the inhibition of pituitary function and are not abortificants. Progestin only pills do work more by decreasing the likelihood of conception and implantation, but they can also stop ovulation.
Jenna Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 8:02 am
Thanks Rachel! I feel like sometimes it’s difficult for me to suss out exactly how things like this work (withba lot of voices claiming different things)
Rachel Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 1:30 pm
You’re so welcome!
Perfectly well written! As a newly wed in the LDS church this is a topic that is frequently on my mind. I get frustrated by some members assumptions on not only what is appropriate for other people but also that it’s ANY of their business! I’m glad you were able to effectively communicate the importance of physical and mental health for the mother. Personally, I think the same thing applies to the father. Parenting takes a father and a mother, so I really feel both people in the partnership need to be physically and mentally sound. Definitely, at this point in my life, I am focusing on healthy physical, mental and spiritual habits and encouraging my husband to do the same. I not only want to be healthy before the kids come…I really want to set a good example for them, too!
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
I would never, ever have a child if my husband wasn’t 100% on board. I don’t want to be pulling his weight when it comes to raising a child.
Stephanie C Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I couldn’t agree more with this comment! So often, people over look the mental health aspect and it’s just as important, if not more. Studies have shown that depressed mothers can create a whole host of issues with their children that are long lasting.
As a married couple (Me being Orthodox, and my husband a Christian), we want to be right mentally, physically and financially. We both came from families who struggled in all areas and having a strong foundation is very important to us.
It is different in the Orthodox church than it is in the Catholic church.. it seems a little more similar to LDS. It (BC) is not encouraged, but each couple/individual is to pray and talk with their priest about their current situation for his blessing. It’s not a black and white issue.
Jenna,
Thank you for this post. It was a really fascinating read, and I enjoyed getting more insight into this part of the LDS Church.
I’m hoping you can shed some more light on another aspect though - I’ve always been really curious about big families, which has been peaked even more from our extensive stays / living in several African countries. (Long story.) Some of these countries are severely over-populated (some for religious reasons, like the heavily populated Islamic countries in North Africa,) and others for lack of available birth control and, well, societal norms (like Malawi, etc,) and these countries are struggling - they simply do not have the resources to adequately feed the amount of people.
So as the world’s population grows, and many warn about the drain on resources and the inability of our planet to sustain the population in just a few decades time, is adding to this a concern of the LDS church?
It’s a serious question of mine, and I’m not sure how else to explore this… and as you have been learning about local foods, the balance of ecosystems, and the return to a more sustainable agricultural system, I’m wondering about how your views on all of that fits into this…
Hope that makes sense! Thanks.
Jenna Reply:
February 6th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I highly doubt the Church has a policy on this (the approach seems to be catering toward a worldwide audience and developing doctrine that fits a lifestyle no matter where one lives).
I asked TH what he thought though, and we both agreed that the answer here is to just not have kids. The purpose of having children (from an LDS standpoint) is to bring them to the earth to be tested and have the opportunity to live a happy, fulfilling life where they can work to do good. If they die of starvation within just a few years of being born, they really didn’t get the chance to make that happen.
The commandment is simply “multiply and replenish the earth” which I interpret to mean, take advantage of all of the earth has to offer. There are still MANY parts of the world that are habitable, but are not overflowing with people (and I realize that this sometimes is due to governmental regulations dealing with immigration that prevents a whole lot of people from getting in who would really like to) that are full of untapped resources. I can assure you there is still plenty of space in Central Washington if anyone from the crowded east or southern tip of the west coast wants to move there :). I certainly don’t mean to make light of the issue, I realize that this is literally life or death for those people, but from a Gospel perspective I think the answer is to do the best you can with what you have.
For members of the Church we have a welfare system set up, which I imagine that members in poorer nations use quite extensively. This is to ensure that all members of the church have their basic needs met if they are unable to meet them on their own.
Thanks so much for this post. This is a topic that is constantly on my mind as we are coming up on six months of marriage tomorrow and are trying to figure out when we should take this step. I think that the emphasis you put on the mental and physical health of the mother is incredibly important and something that is definitely a factor for me!
13Thank you! I’ve been waiting for this post for forever! I’m fascinated by religions and the issue of birth control - I think it has a huge effect on the way people live.
I have a degree in women’s history and in one of my classes we talked about early gynecology and birth control, and there was a really tragic letter from a man to somebody in the birth control movement saying that his wife was unable to have more children for health reasons, and that it was unbearable on their marriage to have to abstain from having sex. This poor man was desperate for a way to repair his marriage - it absolutely broke my heart. So I think that the church is right to acknowledge the detrimental effects abstinence can have on a marriage. (True abstinence, rather than natural family planning.)
14This post brought to mind many important factors I hadn’t even realized or forgotten that I’d considered. I loved that last quote (second paragraph) that even mentioned the availability of close family and friends. Having two children that developmentally are quite close together has made me realize that I would prefer a teensy bit of distance between the kids. This past year and half taught me a lot about what I can handle and what I’d like to do for the future! If they come close together, fine, but as long as I have control, I realize that virtually having two under 3 - - and not having the advantage of close family nearby - - weighs in our decision making.
We’re given the counsel, given the brains to make good judgements for our families, and given the agency to do so. And if we’re seeking for the companionship of the Holy Ghost, we’ll know and feel what is best to do.
Katy Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 12:40 am
Of course, saying that about wanting a little more space next time - I’m certain to have twins next! Both my mother and sister have had fraternal twins…it could happen to me I suppose as well! :}
Jenna Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 8:03 am
Oh my, your chances are very high!
A couple thoughts:
I took birth control long before I was dating or having sex with any one. It evened out my moods, and made my monthly cycles a lot more bearable. Before I took the pill I would occasionally pass out from my cramps.
I also had the goal to finish school before getting pregnant. Perhaps this falls under mental health reasons - but school was important to me, and there was no way I would be able to give both my education and a child the attention they both deserved. A lot of people commented on this decision, but it was what was best for us. I didn’t want my own money that I had invested in my education to go to waste.
And lastly… all of your points were very good. One thing that stands out in my mind though, that some one told me shortly before I got married, was that what you and your husband do is between you, him, and no one else. So while “self-sex” is definitely a no-no, there is nothing that says you can’t do those things together. I guess that would fall under your definition of “non-traditional sex”?
Jenna Reply:
February 7th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Yes, I think the point of sex is to share that moment together, no matter who is stimulating who. I’m personally not against things like phone sex when couples are apart for a long time, if it means it will help either person from bottling up to the point that that they lose control
This topic is of great interest to me. We’re about to have our 6th child. It’s hard to believe it because we tried for 5 years to have our first and we were about to start filling out adoption papers once upon a time. We’ve had a hard time getting pregnant with some of our other children, too.
Now that I’m 35 and about to have that 6th angel enter our lives, I cannot fathom that I would have the sanity to keep going. There are people around me with significantly more and significantly less and just about the same. Those with significantly fewer children often give my husband and me a hard time. I had to pause and consider if this was part of the reason I felt ready to stop. I have decided that, most of the time, I care very little about what those people are saying. I just want to have the energy to enjoy the children I have. It’s hard to enjoy them when I’m enduring what feels like endless morning sickness, sleepless nights, mood swings, and a complete lack of energy, etc.
I think I finally understand what other people have said when they “just knew” that it was time to stop. It’s not just because I’m tired or that I have varicose veins that run almost all the way down my entire leg. It’s that I feel my cup is full (though sometimes it feels empty because I’m sharing all I have with this blessings running around my house and have to work hard to find opportunities to refill it) and I feel something I can’t quite put words to. I prayed to know when the time arrived that I was done with this portion of my life.
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