10 Oct
Delayed
As I was composing this post in my head, I realized how lucky I’ve been. I had a complication free pregnancy, the birth I wanted, and so far relatively few instances of illness. We go to the doctor for shots, and that’s it. I like it that way. His pediatrician brought up his lack of speech back at 12 months, but after a hearing test she was satisfied and didn’t say anything until his last appointment. Right before we left for Europe she recommended us to a speech therapy program and let us know it would be a good idea to get him tested.
Today, four very nice women came over (one program coordinator, one speech therapist, one developmental therapist (is that the right term?) and one woman doing some shadowing) and spent about 2 hours with us, playing with T1, listening to me interacting with him, and asking me an astounding number of questions. Questions about things I’ve never even considered!
After about an hour together the therapists felt ready to present their findings. The speech therapist said he’s doing great at some things, like linking together multiple consonants and vowels, but overall he’s very behind, testing at about 9-12 months (he is 18 months now). He still doesn’t use any words unprompted. The develpomental therapist placed him at somewhere just about 12 months for his cognitive abilities, worrying that he doesn’t respond to commands like “give me the cup” and doesn’t identify pictures (even things like shoes, a thing/word he loves, and that he will babble on about and fetch when we go say the words go bye-bye or ask him about his shoes). I’m sure there are other reasons that I’m forgetting because I don’t have a summary in front of me, but that was the general message. They want him to have two hours of therapy per week, one hour with a speech therapist and one hour working on his cognitive abilities. Therapy would happen at home, which is great now, but will feel absolutely essential in the winter when bundling him up and finding parking would be a nightmare.
I’m doing fine emotionally. I mean, I knew he wasn’t talking so they didn’t really give me any new information, you know? They came to my house to verify some things I suspected, and are willing to be the resource I need to fix a problem we have (lots of temper tantrums, most dealing with his inability to communicate his needs). Because I thought some of you would be curious, I made this little iphone video while he was in the bath today. This is typically a time when he is very vocal (I think he likes the acoustics) and this is a good example of what he sounds like when he is babbling a lot.
We do sign with him, and he is great at a sign for milk, and waving his hand to let you know he wants to go bye-bye, but so far I can’t get him to use “more” unprompted, or acknowledge the sign I made up for “num-nums” in an effort to get him to let me know if he wants to eat.
The evaluation itself was free, but the program will cost us something, we’re just not sure how much yet. Our tax return information puts us at $30/month directly to the program, which we can handle, but figuring out what the insurance company will bill us for (it’s UofC student health insurance, and after our hearing test they said over the phone that they do not reimburse for “developmental delays”). I’m going to have to work on figuring out what it’s going to cost because that will determine whether we decide to do the therapy. If we consider the cost to be exorbitant, we are considering putting this off until next year when we are back on the Company X insurance plan. If there are professional therapists that specialize in this area who would like to weigh in I’d love to hear how horrible this idea is. (Ha!)
You know what? I lied about feeling fine. I am wracked with mommy guilt. At the end of the meeting I told the women I was very happy with how the meeting went, but that I couldn’t shake the feeling that we are parents are to blame for this, and that maybe if we made some small and simple changes we could fix this on our own. They assured me that after spending some time in our home they didn’t think that was the case at all, and that we could try putting this off for three months and implementing some different training techniques, but I could tell the speech therapist in particular thought this was a bad idea. I just can’t stop thinking that if I just tried harder to never be on the computer when he is awake, or if I would follow him around and talk to him incessantly labeling things when we go to the park, or talk to him in a sing-song voice every moment during dinner that therapy wouldn’t be necessary. Then I think he’s just too far gone and I need to just accept I ruined him. Then I think about having the next one and I realize that it’s not going to be possible to do give T2 the attention I irrationally think T1 must have needed to avoid delays. Then I just feel guilty all over again.
In summary T1 is probably going to start therapy and I am feeling like I might need some therapy of my own to swim out of this sea of guilt I’m drowning myself in. 
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
Every child is different, every set of parents is different. You’re doing a great job, so don’t feel badly! You’re doing the right thing seeking help, and you’ll come to an answer you feel comfortable with. Even if the program is too expensive, you might be able to work with students or something else less expensive rather than just putting it off.
1Im sure it doesnt mean much coming from a non-mom, but try not to feel guilty! All children develop at different rates. Just because he isn’t where he “should” be now doesn’t me you ruined him! Boys especially can be slower with these things but then I’m sure once he does reach the place you’d like him to be he just won’t stop! Good luck to all of you!
2Ugh. Yes. No advice whatsoever, just sympathy. Today my 21 month old daughters had their follow-up weight check since they’d fallen so far off the growth curve at their last appointment. They gained almost nothing (one and four ounces) and we have to go back in four more weeks. There are concerns about failure to thrive, endocrine issues, etc. I’m flipping out and stressing and there’s (seemingly) nothing I can do. Guilt up to my eyebrows. I’m drowning in it.
Ready for how small? 21 months and both are barely over 19lbs (that’s not even a weight percentile!). Ugh again.
3Don’t beat yourself up, T1 is so very lucky that you are able to stay home with him. You will figure out what will work best for you both emotional and with the money situation. You could also look into programs that do a delay pay type of payment. I know that where I work they do something similar and that could help ease the burden until you are back to having more of a $$$ income.
I think it’s wonderful that you make the arrangements to have T1 even looked at, so many parents wait and wait. Be strong you are a wonderful parent!
4Frankly, there’s no way I would delay therapy for my child in this situation.
Megan Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 11:10 am
I agree. I worry if you do, that T1 will be even further behind when you start and have trouble catching up before he starts school. I tend to think the sooner the better.
But, don’t let the guilt overwhelm you. This does not mean you are a bad mother. T1 will catch up!
I was just thinking about something I’ve heard in the past. I’ve heard that if two parents speak two different languages to a child, initial speech development could be delayed. But once the child catches on, they take off like the wind. I know your husband is Polish, so I thought this might apply in your case.
Regardless, it is clear that you and your husband provide an awesome environment for your child. Try not to feel bad. And like so many decisions that you have to make for your son, do what you feel is right.
shannon Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:32 pm
Yes! I was going to say the same thing regarding the two languages spoken in the home. I’ve heard the same thing, and I’ve seen it to be true with family and friends that I know who have raised their children to be bilingual. On a more personal level, my middle child experienced speech delay and was diagnosed at the same age as T1 (18 months). We started speech therapy and it helped a lot. We went through our local school district’s early intervention program and so the rate was according to our income and very reasonable. He’s now 4 and is almost all the way caught up to his peers. Because this is such a crucial time for language development, I wouldn’t put it off, do whatever it takes to fund it. And don’t feel guilty. You are a dedicated and loving mother. Be confident in your parenting choices, and be confident going forward. Good luck!
Tiffany Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:57 pm
I second the idea of going through the school district. Good Luck with whatever you decide.
kathy Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 8:30 am
i was going to say the same thing! my cousin did not speak till she was four because she was so confused. her parents were using English and Spanish interchangeably. i have heard that it makes it easier for the child to separate it in their brain if one parent speaks one language all the time and the other speaks the other language all the time. not sure what you would do when talking to each other.
Rachel Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 10:45 am
I grew up hearing three languages and I started speaking pretty early. Same with many of my mixed-nationality friends. I also live in a country where everyone has to be bilingual and most are trilingual. Perhaps we’ve been bred to soak up language.
Not to worry you or anything, just pointing out that many languages don’t necessarily cause late speech development.
I wish you luck!
allison Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 11:24 am
Here is a fact sheet on what to expect when your child is learning more than one language: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/BilingualChildren.htm#expectations
Erin Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 11:02 am
This is all true - children growing up hearing multiple languages have a substantial delay, and then catch up (I think around 7 or 8). In the end, kids growing up learning two languages DO get to the same level as their peers, are better at math, AND know two languages!
Do not feel guilty! Norms are just averages, and lots of kids find their groove later and turn out fine, everyone knows tons of late talkers, especially boys. If TH speaks Polish to him, that can also contribute initially to speech delays, I believe, but obviously he will overcome them and be bilingual and more adept at learning other languages as he grows. I watched your sweet video and there’s nothing about T1 that screamed “get help NOW!” You will move forward with what you know, do the best you can and reevaluate as things become clearer, which they will as he gets older.
7Your second-to-last paragraph makes me so sad! You didn’t ruin him. My niece had my sister-in-law smother her with communication at all times and it really took until two for her to talk. My sister-in-law is a teacher and she and her husband are Ivy League grads with degrees in education and they had to learn there are just things they couldn’t control even though they wanted to. So what I’m saying is that sometimes kids will take more time than others but it doesn’t mean there’s a lasting, permanent problem that’s going to mean something really bad for his future. You know? My niece is 7 and bright, articulate, intelligent - definitely caught up. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Focus on how fantastic it is that you’ve been so proactive with this.
Jenna Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Thanks C. This comment was helpful.
CD Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
My niece also took a long time to walk because SIL and hubby are vegetarians and the little one wasn’t getting enough protein! They actually did take her to some type of motor skills therapist pretty early and in that arena too, she’s caught up with her peers.
Oh sweet friend, please try and take a breath and not blame yourself too much. I doubt that there is a mama on this planet that hasn’t been convinced at some point that they ruined their child- myself included. My son is driving now (ouch!), but when he was T1′s age he was barely speaking. I would get a word every once and a while, but mostly pointing and grunting. My best friend at the time had a son the exact same age and he was speaking in complete sentences. I was devastated!
To make a long story short Michael began speaking when he was ready to (and when I took an active part in making it difficult for him not to). I picked a couple of words each week to really focus on (cup, milk, etc) and then every chance I got I worked with him. He had to at least make an effort before I would give him what he wanted. When he tried, he got LOTS of praise.
Maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing. Either way, he’s lucky to have parents that have his back.
As his mama you’ll make the right decision for both he and you. Trust yourself to know what’s best here and know that we’ll be here to support you either way.
As for my son? He’s a freshman in high school working on college level studies. I can’t get him to shut up.
9You’re such an academic that I feel like this will ultimately be a positive experience for you all. You will learn so much and I know you’ve probably already started the research on these topics (multiple languages, signing, language development, etc). An expert in child-development at your fingertips for a few weeks? How awesome. Rationally, I know you know there’s a ton to learn, and P is lucky to have parents who can help him in life, with multilingualism or sleep training or discovering God. You (or anyone) can’t be expected to be an expert in all these areas without some external help.
Your humility in sharing your challenges so openly is what makes this space a place we all keep coming back to. Thanks for your honesty.
10Oh hone. We’ll pray for you and your family!
11There is nothing to feel guilty about! Some children just need a little extra help, that’s all. It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong. Early invention can be so helpful (the cost is WORTH IT!) - in a few years no one will even know there was an issue! You certainly did not “ruin” your son.
12I’m really sorry for this “bump” in the road. I’m sure it’s rough, but you seem like great parents and I’m sure there’s nothing you could have done differently. I hope everything works itself out and T1 starts speaking when he’s ready.
13Mama guilt is the worst - but you haven’t ruined your son. I definitely wouldn’t put off therapy if you can help it. It might be expensive but I wouldn’t want to wait another year and let him get further behind in that time.
My sister has a daughter with several learning disabilities (sensory processing, auditory processing, dyslexia - to name a few) and she might have some resources for you. Her daughter had some delays when she was younger too. She still has her issues especially in academics but has overcome quite a bit.
If I remember right, you can take T1 to get evaluated by someone in Chicago Public Schools and they’ll probably say what the women who came today said - but I swear the state provided resources for my niece. She had an occupational therapist, speech pathologist, etc. come to their house weekly when she was a baby - probably around 15 months or so. I think the page I’m linking below has some decent info on it.
http://illinoisearlylearning.org/faqs/special-needs.htm
Good luck! If you need any extra help - shoot me an email. I also have a cousin in the area who is a speech pathologist who may be able to help you guys.
crystal Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
See if you can it through the schools. In Iowa they do free speech therapy if you go through the schools!
Chantal Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Yes, try going through the school district. In Wisconsin, it is free too. My 4 year old needs to be evaluated because she is hard to understand. I, myself, had speech therapy as a child from age 4 through third grade because no one could understand anything that I said. Cognitively, it means nothing! I ended up valedictorian of my class. Do not beat yourself up over this!
I completely understand how you feel, but I think that it’s less of you being at fault and more just that you care/love him so much. I know each child is different, but R’s cousin has similar (but worse) problems, and her speech and cognitive therapists have helped so much, it’s crazy to see. They’ve helped not only with the tangible differences, but also to cut down on the frustration across the board for the whole family. And the thing is, they’re a family of three, with the first two kids being completely developmentally on track, some of the most amazing parents I’ve ever seen, etc. I would definitely say that if you and TH can spring it any way, invest in that therapy sooner rather than later. I think it will pay off for P in so many ways, and you two by extension.
15Oh Jenna, big hugs to you. First, ignore all the haters. There will always be haters who will crawl out of the woodwork at this kind of post and point out everything you COULD have done differently. Don’t let it get to you. You are an awesome mother and T1 is so lucky to have you as his mama. The fact that you are even worrying shows you’re a good mama. There are plenty of “smart, normal, brilliant, successful, etc.” people who had some kind of a delay as a kid. In fact..Einstein had a speech delay and we all know how that worked out for him.
The important thing is to take the information you have been given and get your son the help he needs. Do you have to do every.single.little.thing the “experts” tell you to? No. Do what you can afford and what you’re comfortable with. If you see he’s improving, great. If not, gradually add more therapy in. Don’t stress yourself out over this. T1 isn’t broken. He isn’t damaged. He’s T1. He’s perfect and special and sweet and your little boy. You will all learn to meet his needs in a way that helps him thrive. Best of luck to you. Go hug your little boy and remember that God made him exactly the way he his.
16Oh Jenna - I am so sorry you are going through this. But no way - NO WAY - did you “ruin him.” He is a happy, loved little boy. You will figure out the rest.
17I want to say, “Don’t beat yourself up, Jenna! You’re doing fantastic and can’t blame yourself,” but I know it probably won’t help. It’s TRUE though. But, from my experience with Eli and his eating issues, I know that regardless what people (both friends and professionals told me), I still beat myself up about what we should/could have done differently. I am constantly thinking about how I will do things differently with our next one, too. But, the truth of the matter is, when it really comes down to it there likely really is nothing you could have done differently because you didn’t know that he needed help, if that makes sense.
For example, looking back, there are lots of things I could have done with Eli from the start of introducing foods that would have completely changed the way the last two years have gone for us in terms of eating. But, at the time I had no idea that the little quirks or things he was doing or not doing were problems! So many 12 month olds don’t say a single word, so why would you think to go overboard on speech practice to help, you know?
My point is, you don’t know about these things until you know, and then you go from there to do what you can to help. We’ve worked with both speech therapists and occupational therapists for Eli, and I have to say they have been awesome. Eli loves it because they always make it super fun, I see progress from what they do, and it re-motivates me when I see the success they have with him. We just started OT again with him a month ago because he still has lots of issues with eating, and already I’ve seen huge progress in areas that I swear I’ve worked on my own with for months and months.
So, my suggestion would be that depending on your insurance and if you can afford the cost, I would do it. If it’s going to be hundreds of dollars a month, then maybe you can do something like go for a few weeks to get lots of input and ideas (with them fully aware you’re only going for a few weeks so that they can provide you extra resources and materials), then work on it for a few months on your own. Go back again for another few weeks to re-evaluate and get further direction on next steps.
And know that when you do get back to company X, therapy is totally paid for-and I have a great place that I LOVED that I’d be happy to refer you to :).
Really though Jenna, every kid is different and every kid learns at their own pace and in their own ways. He will catch up, and in no way is any of it your fault.
And sorry this comment was a novel.
18I’ve worked with a ton of kids (thought later on in their development) with a few delays, and the vast majority of them have awesome, delightful, involved, and smart parents. Don’t beat yourself up, seriously. We all learn differently, and it’s great that you’ve been able to find out now and figure out what T1′s learning style is. There’s certainly nothing you did to cause it, or most likely could have done to prevent it, but there is something you can do about it now, and that’s pretty awesome.
As an educator, I’d say go with the therapy now — particularly with language skills, the earlier they start the better (just like learning a second language)! I’ll pray for you guys and I hope that you’ll feel a bit better in the morning. He’s a beautiful healthy baby and I bet this is just a little bump in the road.
19Jenna, there is no doubt that you are are a good mom. Believe me when I say that you have not ruined your child! As a speech therapist, I would not put off therapy for a year. Early intervention is important, and it sounds like, for the well being of your family, you need the support eci can offer at this time. Even if you have to scrimp and pinch to make it work, I think you will be glad you did.
Nisha Malavia Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 10:50 am
Jenna,
I have to agree with Allison. I am also a speech therapist, and the longer you wait, the more there is a risk of larger gaps of a delay, which could ultimately be more costly (not trying to scare you, but it’s not really worth the risk). This is a great age to get therapy started so he can get on track. It could very well be that he’s exposed to 2 languages and he just needs to catch up or that he’s a late talker and it will resolve itself. However, it is a better idea to take advantage of Early Intervention. And please don’t feel guilty! I know it’s hard not to, but you do so much already and it’s important to think of what is great with T1 as opposed to what’s not. Feel free to e-mail me with any more questions, I’d be happy to help!
Hugs, everyone already said everything I was going to say especially about going through the public school system. Kids develop at different times. Grab some girlfriends and go get a hot chocolate and a pedicure.
21There’s a blog I’ve followed for a long time called Me and Wee. Her daughter had some developmental delays but there is a lot you can do on your own! Read her posts on it here:
http://meandwee.blogspot.com/search/label/Communicating%20with%20Wee
Jenna Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Thanks so much Bee. What she described regarding her daughter at 20 months sounds a lot like P at 18 (minus the desire her daughter had to play in the corner, P likes to engage with other kids). I’m really interested in the website she linked to, and in particular the DVDs. Playing with P is actually one of the things we struggle with because he either wants to do the same thing over and over, or he moves on before we are doing it for very long, which would be fine for a short while, but we want to see some progress over time and we haven’t really felt like we’ve seen that. I think I need some ideas on how to better play with him, how to speak to him while we were doing it. I mean, today we were pretending to sweep (well I was really sweeping and he was pretending) and I got down on the floor to praise him for helping, but the interaction just kind of ends there because I don’t know what to do next and he often just wants to take the broom back and run around the house with it. *sigh* I never knew play would be so difficult for me!
Sophia Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 6:29 am
First of all, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. I’m not a mom but I can only imagine all the emotions you’re going through.
Regarding the talking with/playing with children: I have always interacted with kids like little people, even if they didn’t understand our “conversations”. Just rambling, kind of. When I was babysitting, I would talk about everything we were doing. When I was changing her diaper, I’d talk about changing her diaper, when I was cooking, I’d talk about what I was chopping, how good it was going to be, etc. That is how I also interacted with my nephews. It was, perhaps, “incessant”, but to me it was just a vocalization of my internal dialogue, that also helped me to interact with the kiddos, since I felt awkward in the silence. My cousin did that with her kids as well. I’ve never been a “sing songy” voice/over animated type person, but stream of consciousness commentary on the day to day activities of life with a kid came naturally to me, so that’s what I did. I also really liked reading to them, because I could use silly voices and it feels less awkward than randomly thinking up strings of nonsense to sing song to them. Sometimes it was legit reading, other times it was silliness with the pictures, or acting out the characters, etc.
Every mom I know will totally admit that the things that fascinate their toddlers, and the playing they like to do, are not necessarily fun things for parents/adults, so don’t feel bad about that. They all just say that you figure out the best way to interact with them in a way that supports their play- I think that looks different to every parent. It’s mind numbing, to be sure, to continue to “surprise!” a toddler every.single.time. they come around the corner, but even older children-6,7- are obsessed with repetition and will often repeat the same silly phrases over and over, or do the same silly things, and they never seem to tire of it. It’s important and fun to *them*, so the best we can do is figure out a way to enjoy that interaction (which can for sure sometimes be challenging!). I hope that the therapists can help you out, and at least you know what you need to do, and where to start. I really think that this is going to end up being a great thing for T1, and for your family. I agree with other comments that I do think you should start soon, especially since the speech therapist specifically wants to.
I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and have yet to be able to go back to sleep and it’s 5:30 a.m., so apologizes if the above is rambly/disjointed
Jessica @ One Shiny Star Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
This is so true, and very important for language development. It can get annoying, but imagine that he is already asking “why”. So every time you do something with him, answer “why” you are doing it. “We’re sweeping the floor, good job! Do you know why we are sweeping?” I do this is my normal voice, as if I were telling a toddler who could already understand and ask the question themselves. Once he’s old enough he will start asking “why?” to everything, so it also helps to get in the habit of patiently answering the question now - while offering a view into not only language, but how the world works.
It’s also important for him to hear conversations. Kids that babble, with do so with sentence structure, for example, when they are babbling a question it will go up in pitch at the end - just like we do in spoken English. This is a key to language and so demonstrating asking and answering questions will help him to pick up on how conversations go. (All of this is making me miss my undergrad classes!).
Rachel Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 5:21 am
Loved these 2 comments. I rarely speak to my children in real sing-songy voice. I just speak to them normally. We read a lot of books (Over and over and over sometimes. I really want to burn a few of the books we have), we sing a lot of songs (Also over and over and over sometimes. They do love repitition!), and I just narrate a lot. I don’t think you have to incessantly talk to them. Just if you’ve noticed you haven’t been talking a whole lot- start explaining what you are doing or what you’re going to be doing. It’s awkward sometimes and can feel silly but they don’t care. I do it at the grocery store and then feel embarrassed for talking to a 2 year old and 1 year old. Any moms or dads there just smile and laugh because they’ve been there too.
Jessica @ One Shiny Star Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 9:39 am
I do that too at the grocery store… but my baby is only 3 months old. lol.
I know we only get to see a small sliver of your life here, but from what I’ve seen you’re a good mom. No matter what you do or don’t do it seems there will always be mommy-guilt.
Every child develops differently, and I know that a lot of children who come from bilingual homes can have a delay when it comes to talking.
I’ve been talking to two different speech pathologists recently (they’re family friends, and if you have specific questions I can pass them along), and one of the things they’ve both stressed was to talk, talk, talk, talk to your child. I’m sure you know this, but make sure you’re talking *to* them, not just around them; narrate what you’re doing, start labeling everything around you.
I also want to say that T1 is ADORABLE in that video.
23Jenna, don’t let yourself feel guilty over this. You have done everything you can to provide T1 with the best environment possible, but not everyone flourishes at the same speed. But please do consider finding a way to make therapy fit into the budget now; the earlier intervention happens, the more successful it is. And even though you have NOTHING to feel guilty about now, you may feel much guiltier later knowing that you could have started therapy but didn’t. I second (third? fourth?) the comment about going through public schools as well; my mother is a school psychologist working with a lot of developmentally delayed children, and I know in her school districts, home occupational/speech therapists are available, even well before the child hits school age (it is easier and less expensive for the school district to intervene early for a few years, rather than wait until the child is older and require many more years of treatment).
24Jenna, I’m just proud of you for admitting there is a problem now, and not once he gets in school. I work with some of the kids at my school with auditory processing disorders, and it’s difficult to help the child when the parents won’t admit there is a problem and aren’t willing to get help they need. There is one child in our program with a horrible speech impediment as well as an auditory processing disorder and his parents aren’t willing to get him help because he will “grow out of it” (it hasn’t gotten better in the last 3 years!). I would suggest getting help ASAP, and possibly working with the local schools. I know our speech therapist also works with pre-schoolers so it’s an option!
D Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:08 am
This. I’ve seen a couple parents who have pretended that their children are “ok” and just mildly delayed (which does occur!) when the experts tell them that their children have issues like autism so much that they hide it from their spouses.
I’m so glad you had the courage to stick your head out of the sand and be willing to find a solution! lots of hugs!
Jenna, picking on yourself won’t make it any better. Forgive yourself. You’re not perfect and that’s okay. He’ll be fine in the long run, I’m sure. If I were your mother, I would tell you this: if you can do something about it, don’t worry about it. If you can’t do something about it, don’t worry about it. And then, I would tell you to remember who you are (the answer is a daughter of God.) Pray it out and rely on the Lord. It’s okay if life is hard, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll all be okay.
26Mommy guilt is the worst. At my daughter’s 15mo check-up our ped noticed that she was crossing one eye. I had never noticed it and felt horrible for not seeing it. I mean I spend every day with her. How could I not have seen that? We were sent to a ped opthamologist and it turned out that she was extremely far sighted and needed glasses. I cried the whole ride home like it was the end of the world (I was also pregnant with our 2nd at the time). Once we got the glasses a whole world opened up for her because she could actually see. Now we even have to do some patching for
My point is that once T1 gets the help he needs,I bet you’ll be amazed how quickly he turns the corner on this delay. Catching things early is the best possible scenario.
Chantal Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
My daughter had the exact same thing happen. She has accommodative presbyopia. She was extremely far-sighted, glasses helped. We patched for a bit and then they decided to have surgery on the eye muscle a year ago. She now wears bifocals and we still have some crossing of the eyes. We actual have another appointment today to decide if they are going to do another surgery. She is 4 years old now. I beat myself up too wondering what I did wrong when I was pregnant with her… I was bad at taking my prenatal vitamins because they made me sick and I wanted to blame myself thinking that because of that, she has bad eyes. And yes, things are best when caught early and fixed when they are young.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I also think that Mommy Guilt isn’t always a bad thing. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you didn’t ruin him… but feeling crummy now will spur you to continue to be better, for P. You’re a good Mama, but we can always be better. The knowledge you gained today is a tool you can use to be better.
That said… I’m with previous comments. No way would I delay therapy for a year. These are the formative times. It may mean sacrifices, but if you can do it now, do it now.
phruphru Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 8:23 am
I agree with everything in this comment. Jenna, I love your blog and even though you and I have very different ideas about some things, I think I’d like you a lot if we ever met in person. I like that you have firm beliefs and convictions and respect all the research you do about everything.
So you know I’m not a hater and that I come from a good place: Get your baby the therapy, ASAP. Skip the dinner at Alinea, dip into savings (you’ve said before that you guys have a good amount of liquid savings — this is what savings are for!). As Chelsea says, use the mommy guilt for good purposes. Little P is probably just fine — we’ve all heard so many stories about toddlers who don’t speak at all and then bust out full sentences — but why take the risk?
Motherhood is full of guilt. Most of the time we spread that nasty little feeling all over ourselves like great smelling lotion. Guilt can be good or bad. If it moves us forward into positive behavior is can be a motivator. Or it can be paralyzing by throwing us in a dark hole of despair. You are smart and have resources at your fingertips, you believe in a higher power which can bring you comfort and you have a great husband to support you. Use what you have been blessed with and give that sweet little boy all the things you have.
From His perspective: It must be frustration not being able to communicate. He wants to tell you, he just does not have the skills to do so. Other than his bottle, a clean diaper, lunch and sleep I think he would ask for help to speak to you. Don’t wait-he has so many other things in life to learn and maybe, just maybe some of them can not be mastered until he moves past this bump in the road. Chin up! You can do this.
Jenna Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Gracias mama
I really am doing ok, not crying or anything, just frustrated that I didn’t fix this myself or something. I don’t know. You told me this motherhood thing would be hard, but I didn’t realize what that meant.
I tried to call you today, just so you know I was going to tell you myself so you didnt learn all this online :). I will call you when I get the paper that they mail me that summarizes the meeting.
Maybe this means he’ll be chatting up a storm by Christmas!
I think you should take a few weeks and get some distance from the appointment before you make any decisions. Children develop at different paces. My son (2 1/2 now) spoke only 2 or 3 words up until he turned 2 and rarely unprompted. I worried that he was developmentally delayed and beat myself up over what I could do differently to try to fix what I had broken. (Especially because I have a daughter 15 months younger than him. Was I going to break her too?) At 12 months our doctor mentioned she was concerned with his lack of speech. We moved to a new state and our new pediatrician (who takes a more holistic approach to medicine) was not concerned at 15 months but wanted to revisit the situation at 18 months. By 18 months my son had progressed in other ways, he wasn’t broken, he was busy learning many different things. He was busy learning how to climb and manipulate things and how to do so many other things. Our doctor explained that a lot of children get focused on different skills and ‘fall behind’ on others. A month or so after he turned 2 my son exploded with words and now a few more months later he’s speaking in sentences and helping me teach his little sister new words. Before 2 he couldn’t pick out many pictures or fetch toys but he was actively learning other skills. I’m not saying T1 isn’t delayed but he may not be delayed in a way that means he needs therapy. Obviously you have and will continue to do what’s in his best interest, you know him better than anyone. Your intuition is stronger than you think. Trust it and let go of what other people say is ‘normal.’ If you can see he’s not progressing in other ways, then take the next step and try therapy. You aren’t a bad mother, you are a wonderful mother who cares deeply about the little person you are helping to shape.
LPC Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
This. Exactly this. Maybe P. will have some real language issues over time. Maybe not. I have to say that from the video he appears to be very bright. Look at the fine motor coordination, the game with the bottles he is playing. Look at how he can actually walk in a bathtub without slipping! I’d be more concerned about how he does with cognitive challenges than language alone. Just make sure you are working with very good people. I know you will.
As for playing with kids, I remember the early child people talking about “language-rich” environments. Just narrate to him everything he’s doing. “Oh I see you P! Now you are carrying the broom. Now you are running. Are you running? Are you running?” Kind of silly, but you can do a lot and still keep up the running monologue. Eventually it may turn into a dialogue.
Jenna! Of course you didn’t ruin him, he’s amazing. First of all, think of all the children who grew up 100 or 50 or even 10 years ago who didn’t have early intervention specialists come to their homes and analyze their children. I can guarantee that most of those children grew up with no lasting effects of whatever “delays” they may have suffered.
That said, if you and TH decide that pursuing therapy is the best choice for your family, I think that getting into it as soon as possible is your best bet. The program should be able to guide you through the process of finding out what is covered through insurance. Medicaid can also cover some services. Google parent groups in your area as they can be a huge help in finding therapists and navigating the process.
Jenna, you are a fantastic mother! You and your family will get through this. : )
31Jenna you are such a good momma. Don’t feel guilty over this! T1 is going to be just fine. I’ll be praying for ya girl!
32You are a great mother, and one of the reasons that we can tell that is because you are admitting that something may be wrong and considering options to help out T1. Throughout his life, you’ll be reminded that he’s his own person with his own needs and that the best (and hardest) parenting decisions will require you to move outside what you know and are comfortable with and do what’s best for him. So far you are passing this test with flying colors…No one expects you to do it alone, and you won’t have to.
I don’t know how helpful anecdotes are to you right now, but I will say my brother didn’t speak until he was over 2 years old and then when he did speak his first words were a complete sentence. He’s an EXTREMELY verbal person- funny, confident, and simply brilliant at clear off-the-cuff public speaking. He has several advanced degrees and is an executive at a major company. I know that you’re worried about T1, but I just wanted to remind you that you’re doing the absolute best by finding out IF sometimes wrong and how best to proceed from tehre. Best wishes to all of you.
33As a graduate student in the process of becoming a speech pathologist, allow me to offer you some advice: get off of the internet. Stop writing in your blog and talk to your child. Stop going out to expensive dinners, stop taking trips to Europe, and care for your child. Do not put off speech therapy. There is a reason why the speech therapist who you had your session with is against delaying therapy. Help your child while he is still young. Read to him. Talk to him. Sing to him. Practice naming tasks. Help him work on his comprehensive and expressive language. Practice signing. Your blog shows how negligent of a parent you are and how little interest you show in your own child. I am so passionate about communication disorders, and it genuinely disturbs me to see the way that you are handling this situation. All of your expenses should be moved to the backburner; all of your efforts should be focused on providing your child with the help that he needs. If it means that you have to go without new clothes or a new cell phone, so be it. Learn what it means to be a parent.
As for the guilt, you SHOULD feel guilty. You SHOULD feel guilty about the fact that the way that you have parented your son has led to his being developmentally delayed. You SHOULD feel guilty that you have not interacted with your son enough to help him develop his language skills. The amount of language that babies hear plays a HUGE role in language acquisition, and you have failed in that area. You SHOULD feel guilty about that. But you know what? You should use that guilt in a productive way. Allow it to make you a better parent. Remember what it feels like to have so tremendously failed your son in such an important area of his life. Remember it and use it. Use it to help you make the decision to make his therapy your number one concern. Use it to help you make the decision to sacrifice time on the internet to read, play, and interact with your son. Use it to help you become a better mother.
The fact that your actions (or, in the case, the lack thereof) have negatively impacted your son’s life is not the end of the world. It should be the beginning for you. Please get your son the help that he needs as soon as possible.
Jenna Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 11:24 pm
I consider this comment to be a cowardly disgrace to your future profession. If you treated an actual client this way I would report you to your supervisors and advise my friends to never get the evaluation in the first place.
I have deleted at least 10 comments just like this, some worse, more cutting, more demeaning, more spiteful, and I don’t understand your purpose. This is how you think you affect positive change in the world? By hiding behind a mask of anonymity and making women who already feel vulnerable cry?
I really, really want you to think about what comments like this do. If you were a true professional you would know that you represent everyone in your field, kind people who are genuinely trying to make the world a better place by using kindness and support. You would have taken the time to leave a comment that talked about resources I could look toward, and you would have used positive reinforcement and constructive criticism as a true professional would do (like the women who came to my home today).
Instead you judged and you trolled and you hated. Just despicable.
And you can tell all your little friends that this is as much air-time as you guys are getting. Keep coming over though, I like having the increase in hits
Eliza Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 11:46 pm
It’s honestly so strange to me that you make yourself out to be the victim in this situation. Do you want to know who the victim is? Your son. Do you think that it bothers me that people who are addressing this, quite frankly, horrific example of negligence, are making you cry? It doesn’t. More to the point, my comment was not even “mean,” but because I wasn’t patting you on the back and telling you that you’ve done everything that you possibly could for your child (you obviously haven’t), I’ve been accused of trolling and hating. I did neither. I advised you on what you could do to improve your situation. If you had taken the time to think critically or perhaps analyze what I had said as opposed to immediately getting defensive, it would have been pretty obvious to you that I was telling you that yes, you may have failed previously, but it is also an opportunity for you to make positive changes.
If you were a client of mine, yes, I’m sure that I would treat you differently. As it stands, you are a selfish, self-involved mother more interested in blogging than in taking adequate care of your child. I do not have sympathy for someone like you, nor does it bother me that I do not have your respect. At the end of the day, I know that I have the best interests of CHILDREN in mind, and that is something that someone like you could not possibly take away from me.
I really do wish you all the best and hope that you will somehow wake up and look at this situation for what it truly is instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Be proactive.
Kimberly Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:31 am
Do you follow Jenna’s blog? Do you realize that T1 has grandparents in Europe that were thrilled to see him (or is visiting family detrimental to children)? That Jenna can afford to eat an expensive dinner once in a blue moon because she eats at home the rest of the time? That most of her clothing posts are about thrifted items? I don’t know her blogging habits, but I do know plenty of mothers who manage to blog when their children are asleep. How is that detrimental to the child? What makes you think she doesn’t read/talk/sing to him?
Your comments don’t seem applicable at all.
Kira Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:33 am
Wow, are you honestly implying that every child who experiences speech delays has “negligent” parents? If this is truly your view, you may want to reconsider your profession. Spend a few years working in the field and see where this attitude gets you.
Eliza Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:45 am
No, I’m really not. Perhaps you misread my comment. In this SPECIFIC case, I do think that the fact that this woman APPEARS to spend a limited amount of time interacting with her child has contributed a great deal to the fact that his language is delayed. I am very aware of the fact that cultural, familial, and SES differences impact children in a vast number of ways. Thank you for your concern regarding my education and career choices.
Katy Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 7:01 am
You have not experienced the world have you? Are you a parent yourself? You throw around the word negligence like it is somehow a great umbrella term for your disagreement with her parenting. But negligence is a term reserved for the real evils in the world perpetrated by actual bad parents. Maybe in your sphere a bad parent is one that only talked to their child a total of 5,000 times instead of 7,000 but talk to any social worker, court worker, or cop and you’ll find out what REAL negligence is and send Jenna a thank you note for being a good mom.
NO parent is perfect and *every* *single* *parent* out there since the beginning of time has things they might not do as well as others, but they make up for it by being better at other things. Don’t throw this word “negligence” around as if you know what you are talking about.
Coasting anon Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 7:31 am
Amen, Katy. Come back, Eliza, when you 1) have an idea of what REAL negligence is 2) can act like the professional you claim you are and 3) aren’t hiding behind a veil of anonymity…
You are a coward.
Danielle Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Dude, Eliza, I totally laughed when I read this. You sound so silly and ridiculous. Something APPEARING (caps and all) a certain way has never contributed a great deal to much of anything. You shot your whole argument in the foot right here. It *appears* to you that Jenna fails to do this or that blah blah blah. But that doesn’t matter at all. What matters is what she *actually* fails to do and what she *actually* accomplishes. And I’d be willing to bet that she exceeds the baseline expectations of parental involvement with their kids and their development. She just has little boy who needs some extra help and tools.
Mary Cyrus Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:56 am
The fact that a stay-at-home mother writes a blog does not make her negligent. Not by a long shot. I’m sure she puts a good hour or two (or more) into many of her posts, but compare that to a child with two parents working outside the home. Would you also accuse a working mother of being negligent if her child was developmentally delayed? Or is it the fact that what Jenna chooses to devote her time to might be considered frivolous or unnecessary and you judge that?
My sister has a 5-year-old son who is extremely developmentally delayed; as in will not ever speak aloud and most likely will not ever walk. In his case, this has everything to do with a genetic condition and nothing to do with the fact that my sister blogs everyday, in addition to hustling him to therapy appointments and medical specialists galore, to say nothing of resuscitating him from apneic seizures. Blogging does not equal negligence. Period.
You judge based on what you read here, but you are not in Jenna’s home. It frankly scares me that this is your profession of choice if you possess so little compassion. I don’t know; there may be some modicum of truth to what you say. I’m not in Jenna’s home either. I do know that the confrontational, demeaning way in which you made your points is mean, unnecessary, and completely unproductive.
Eliza Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:21 am
I’m not going to address most of the comment because, to be frank, I don’t really care, but I’d like to point out that I have PLENTY of compassion. Unfortunately for Jenna, my compassion is for her child who sleeps in a bathroom because his mother is too selfish to give him a bedroom, a child who is given so little attention from his parents that he does not recognize them after being apart, a child who does not have toys because his mother does not want to have to pick them up. I have a great deal of compassion. Thank you for your concern.
Senora H-B Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 7:40 am
You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding.
How is it selfish to have a baby sleep in a dark, quiet bathroom rather than a too-brightly-lit bedroom?
An 18-month-old that doesn’t recognize his parents after two weeks apart. Do you actually know any 18-month-olds?
My baby sisters FREAKED out when I cut my hair because they didn’t recognize me. They wouldn’t go anywhere near my dad when he returned after a week-long business trip. I guess you’d tell me that my dad was a negligent parent?
A child who doesn’t have an obscene number of toys but thoroughly enjoys playing with the ones he has? Heaven forbid!
I suppose you can put your spin on whatever you choose from Jenna’s life.
I’d encourage Jenna to take your diagnoses and judgments with a massive grain of salt. You are basing your words on a sliver of someone’s life. I sincerely hope that you change your attitude toward parents before you begin practicing. I can’t imagine that you’d have any kind of success with your attitude.
Caitlin Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:21 am
As a speech language pathologist, I agree 100% with you Jenna! I can’t believe someone would choose to represent ME this way. Eliza, I feel sorry for you. But mostly, I feel sorry for your current and future clients.
Jenna, you absolutely should not feel guilty. You have no education in child development and have managed to raise a HEALTHY, LOVED, LOVING, and SOCIAL child. That is wonderful! That being said, PLEASE do not delay therapy for T1. $30 dollars a month really is small price (I was actually shocked to read that it was so little). The longer you delay therapy, most likely, the further behind T1 will fall. SLPs have extensive education (at least 6 years) in speech, language, and cognitive development. Therapy at your son’s age is as much about you as it is your child! Your son will play to learn while you will learn to play!
Some other people have mentioned that the school-system provides therapy also. That is a great recommendation and I second it whole-heartedly. (In fact I would recommend putting him in private and school-based therapy.
Also, maybe look into the universities in Chicago. Universities with SLP programs often have on-site clinics where graduate students provided therapy closely supervised by experts in the field. This could be a hit or miss as the therapist that work closely with you and your son is still learning, but the newest techniques and evidence based therapies are often the ones being taught and used.
One easy thing that you can start doing right away is narrating everything you do and everything T1 does. It’s pretty simple and doesn’t take any time away from you- you’re already doing something, so just talk!
Also, I wanted to clarify the two-language bit of info floating around… Research has shown that children without any delays tend to sort the languages out themselves and that it really does not delay the child significantly. It seems that children tend to mix the two languages rather than not being able to use either for a while. So please don’t feel as if that in any way caused your son’s delays. That being said, you may want to focus on one language, but that really is a personal decision.
Finally, if you’d like, please feel free to email me if you have any questions. I really hope that your future encounters with SLPs will empower you like Shanna said.
Caitlin Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:24 am
Woops, I made a mistake- It’s not 6 years. I have no idea why I typed that. It was 4 years for me- 2 years in undergrad and a 2 year Masters program.
allison Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 11:59 am
No worries, it was 6 years for me and probably for many or most SLPs.
Caitlin Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Yup, 6 years total for me too- 4 years dedicated to speech, language, cognition, etc…
Amber Reply:
October 12th, 2011 at 11:33 am
It is six years in my province - 4 years undergrad, and 2 in a masters program!
allison Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 11:57 am
Jenna, I’ve been thinking about your post all morning, so I came back on my lunch break to find that Caitlin has already said many of the things I was thinking. Thanks, Caitlin!
One thing to add about university clinics: they may have a sliding pay scale. I know we did in the clinic where I did my graduate training. But really, $30/month seems like a steal.
I found this website that has a list of the universities in Illinois that offer speech language pathology degrees. Hopefully it will help narrow your search. http://www.ishail.org/isha/learn_ektid162.aspx
Caitlin Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Yes, thank you! That was the point I failed to make in bringing up the universities. It is typically cheaper. But I can’t imagine it being cheaper than $30/month.
Shanna Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 11:31 pm
Wow. I think you need to back away from your comment and re-read it while practicing some empathy. You’ll need it to become a successful professional, and I think you’ll learn that drowning someone in guilt (deserved or not) is a powerful way to drain someone of motivation. You are entitled to your opinion, but think of the mother you are talking to and try to phrase things in a way that will empower her to help in the future. I would also like to point out that you should perhaps reserve judgement until you see the whole picture, which we can’t through a blog.
Stephanie C Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:25 am
I’d like to add that it’s also extremely important during these times to encourage familial support. I’m not sure how the bad attitude is helping the situation. You can’t fault someone for not being as knowledgable about this issue as you may be.
One of the most important things we as professionals working in this arena should be learning in our programs is to communicate our ideas with respect and not assume everyone is as informed as we are.
In addition, it’s pretty presumptuous to say that Jenna is completely neglecting her child and has all her attention on the blog - we get little snippets of her life.
D Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:15 am
I think even more importantly, Eliza. No matter if you thought this. There were many other kinder ways of saying this. Jenna already has said maybe she needs to spend more time talking T1 and that she feels guilty. She is aware and she is addressing the issue.
I think you could had said you were concerned but I really wished you knew how hard Jenna tries and how hard it is as a parent to face this type of situation.
Marissa C Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 10:25 am
Wow. What an ignorant comment (from Eliza). So what about working moms? I’m sure Jenna is around her child more than any working mom and I wouldn’t blame them. Someone’s blog does not give us a 100% view of their life. It’s bits and pieces. Lord help me if anyone judges me by my blog alone!
Sara Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Yes, this is a hideous example of shaming and blaming someone who doesn’t deserve it for an instant. Jenna is a mother who works at home - and I wonder how she could be less ‘negligent’. Should she never work at her photography business and never contribute an income to her family? Should she never write here, which clearly makes her happy and contributes to her business? She she *really* never spend a single second taking care of herself? Is that really what we’re suggesting?
And what about TH? If we’re going down this idiotic road, why aren’t we blaming him for ‘neglect’? He’s out of the house every day, did he ‘fail’ here too? What about when they have more children, or what if their circumstances changed, and they had to put T1 in daycare and both work? Is that terrible parenting? Because if so, there are an awful lot of terrible parents.
Stupid, just stupid. No one can, or should, give 100% of their attention to their child 100% of the time. Everyone has to work, and to relax, and to do things that make them happy and that feed their soul. To suggest that Jenna is a bad parent because she blogs here most days is sexist, unfeminist, and downright offensive. So she should maybe talk to him a little more. BFD - now she knows. Judge not, folks.
Heather S Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Eliza-The question that keeps coming to my mind is, are you a parent? I understand that you are training to WORK with children, but have you ever actually RAISED one? If not, than I believe it is quite ridiculous for you to make judgements about Jenna’s parenting skills. Do you think that you leaving nasty comments on Jenna’s blog will make a positive impact on T1′s life? I don’t think so. So then I question your motive. Surely you didn’t leave this comment just to be hurtful?
LPC Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Huh? How the heck does this women think she knows enough to say this? Why doesn’t she want to talk about how physical able P. seems to be, huh?
tara Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:30 pm
agree 1000%. especially with the first few sentences- i think that all the time when i read this blog. you talk so much about being in grad school, having a ‘student’s budget’ lifestyle, and being frugal, but then boast about weeks-long trips to europe, meals that cost hundreds of dollars, csa’s, your personal trainer. makes me want to barf. as a med-student wife living on a REAL student budget, here’s something i’ve learned. sacrifice. kinda helps with the whole mommy thing too. and to the above poster… i’m not sure what ‘physical able’ means… but if you mean physically able… that kinda has nothing to do with speech/cognition… anyone can grow a kid physically- food, water, sleep. that’s it. it takes a lot more for emotional and cognitive development.
Marissa C Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 3:47 pm
I’m a med-student wife as well…one budget does not fit all. Jenna has posted many times about how they have less in certain areas in order to have more in others. We don’t know her budget. We don’t know how much she spends on a day-to-day basis. There is nothing wrong with splurging occasionally if you can afford it. And let’s face it…that’s the sort of thing you WANT to blog about.
Bethany Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Why does everyone keep brining up Jenna’s trips to Europe? Remember how TH is Polish and his family LIVES there? It’s not like they are irresponsibly galavanting across the world without regard for T1! They are visiting family! I would say that NOT going is more irresponsible. T1 needs to know his grandparents and his grandparents need to have time with him. Your comment is so narrow it makes ME want to barf.
Not saying this is the case, but have you ever considered that Jenna & TH may get help with their expenses traveling to visit family? I know when I visit my parents they help me out because they want to see me and otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get there very often. I’m not saying this to discount the saving that I’m sure Jenna & TH do for these trips… but you must think before you make judgements about things you know nothing about.
Also, I participate in a CSA and with careful planning, it doesn’t add much to my grocery budget. Plus, T1 gets healthy, organic food prepared by Jenna every day to keep him healthy. But I guess offering nourishment to your kids doesn’t count since you say that “anyone can grow a kid”. And BTW, physical development IS a big deal for growing kids. Many kids experience real physical delays equal to T1′s speech delay that are just as difficult and painful for parents to deal with (as many moms on this blog have attested to). You obviously don’t have kids so stop the judgement!
Jenna! I am the one who has been repeatedly asking you questions about this on your formspring (maybe there are more than one of us, if so I’m one of them). We are going through the same thing with our daughter, 16 months. I was SHOCKED at her 12 month appointment because they were very nervous about her speech development, and I had no idea that anything was wrong. We went through about the same process that you describe here, and she was found to be “developmentally delayed” in her speech, and we currently have a speech therapist come to our house twice a month to work with her.
We feel the same way you describe - if I had talked to her MORE, worked HARDER on sign language, read more books then she would be talking and so this must be all my fault. I feel bad when the speech therapist comes, too - is that how I should be playing with her all the time? Because that would be exhausting and I start to think I’m not cut out for this! It’s hard to even “forgive” myself for these things because it’s impossible to know what went wrong/if what we are trying now is really working or this is the time she was always meant to say “eye” and that’s why she said it. I feel the same feelings of guilt about a potential second baby, too. What if second baby talks at the “right” time? Is it because I was better with second baby? Because second baby had a sibling to talk to? (all this hand-wringing over a baby that doesn’t exist!)
Anyway, super-long comment, BUT I’m glad you chose to write about this because I’m obviously very interested, and I think it’s important to hear from another mother who feels like me. It’s so hard to read my girlfriend’s blog with videos of her 10 month old saying words and making animal sounds, so this is a nice balance
Can you see my e-mail on this thing? Let me know if you need to talk/vent/commiserate
35After I commented I went back to read through the other comments. Yikes! I’m sure there are people who will read my above comment and be horrified that I waited to see if he would grow out of it. Well, I chose to wait it out a little longer because I felt he was progressing in other ways. I made sure to check in with my pediatrician about the situation. I wasn’t worried because my son was on track or ahead of schedule in other ways, with other skills. Obviously, every situation is different. I was lucky enough to have people in my life who had similar situations. Some did therapy and some waited. Some of the friends I spoke to who encouraged therapy because their children were speaking in sentences at 12 months now have children who are behind in gross and fine motor skills, some have children who have remained on track the whole time, some are like mine and were delayed in language and caught up, and some have children who have been delayed in many areas and continue to show delays. For those who worry I was a horrible mother who just ignored the delays, my son is now 2 1/2 and testing at age 4 for most of his skills. We’ve started Tot School with him and my 15 month old. If you want ideas for playful learning check out some of the Tot School blogs. I have liked http://theprincessandthetot.blogspot.com/ and http://totallytots.blogspot.com/. They also have links to many other Tot School sites. Good luck!
36I nannied for a little girl starting at 18mo and all she could say was no. but it wasnt even “no” it was just a sound that to her meant no. Either way the doctors were worried but her mom just figured it was timing. She was right. She just turned 3 and is a little chatterbox. I wouldnt stress too much. Seek Heavenly Fathers guidance about how you can help him progress and I am sure it will all work out:)
37Oh Jenna, this is how I have felt for the last month and a half it is the pits. My son (14 mos) has similar issues (although he is hard of hearing) and tests at a 6 mos speech and 9 mos cognitive, it was a hard pill to swallow. I still blame myself at times, I probably always will simply because I knew that something was wrong and I trusted his dr.(who spent maybe 20 mins at a time) when he said my son was fine.That being said every child has their own version of “normal”, there is no set time line. While this may effect him now, it probably won’t cause much of an issue later on. I have met several children with similar issues to T1 and my son that have made huge leaps and bounds with the help of therapy. If you can’t afford it try seeing if he can be covered by state insurance for the time being? The more you work with him now while he is young the quicker he may pick it up. Children are resilient and amazing; T1 will probably be talking your ear off soon and then you will wish he wasn’t talking :).
38i remember picking out the polo in the first shot. I loved it then, but it is even cuter with the collar popped. He is looking like they actually fit and are not drowning him anymore. I have never seen him talk so much as that bath video. He grew so tall while you were in Europe. He doesn’t look like a baby anymore.
Don’t forget some of the most important words to teach him before Christmas - Nana & Grandpa!
39P.S. I think it is the mother in you to be so hard on yourself and so worried about him. But it really does surprise me that you are so worried about him not being in the “norm”, that is not something you generally care about. Look at you the protective mother!
This is my favorite comment by M:
“Frankly, there’s no way I would delay therapy for my child in this situation.”
I can’t decide if they are trying to be mean, or just stating their opinion.
M Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:17 pm
I’m not sure how my previous comment could be considered mean, but whatever. I have a son one month younger than T1 - I was very concerned about his language development until he started talking quite a bit just recently (like, I was preparing to ask my doctor about the same program T1 was evaluated by). And there is no way I would delay any treatment he needed if there was any way that I could afford it and make it work. Early Intervention is reportedly a great program that helps most kids a lot.
Shaylene Carter Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:34 pm
I apologize for thinking it was possibly mean. I was on the defensive last night after reading a very rude comment.
When I learned my son is autistic, I had the same feelings and Jenna, it is so normal. With early intervention my son has thrived and so will T1. At age 4 my son is talking so well. Be thankful we’re living in a time when we have a wealth of information to help our kids!
41Jenna, I know you know this already, but ignore the trolls and the self-professed professionals (that Eliza needs to get off the internet, learn some empathy, or better yet get a new profession). My best friend Gillian is a Harvard-educated professor of English who reads a bazillion books to her son, interacts with him all the time, and is a spectacular mother. That didn’t stop her son from being speech-delayed. He got excellent testing from professionals in Rochester, where they live; was diagnosed with mild Asperger’s; and now has access to amazing educational resources that are helping him to acquire language and to interact socially. Being a good mother means doing exactly what you and Gillian are doing: reading prolifically, being open to testing and learning (without guilt, shame, or embarrassment), and engaging with a community of people who are experiencing similar issues.
Stephanie C Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 12:27 am
Well said!
I don’t want to say that I’m an expert here, but I do have some experience working with speech delayed children, kids with autism, etc.
43I want to encourage you to not consider putting this off. I’m not going to berate you as a mom like the other grad student did! I think you’ve done a great job, and sometimes there’s nothing more you can do. But the one important thing you can do here is to do the therapy. Early Intervention has been proven to help children.. the earlier the better. Putting it off will make it harder for him to catch on as he gets older.
I don’t know what it’s like in Chicago, but in L.A. there are regional centers that can give you more information..regarding financial issues and what your options are. I would encourage you to look into whether your city has something like that or not.
Dont Worry, not yet at least, he is young he is a boy and some talk non stop and some point and grunt! My son is 20 months and not a talker he is just now getting some words and he does not use them all the time and has never said mummy, mamma, mum but he does say daddy! At about 16 months I was worried about his development and tantrums but in the last 4 months it has started to get better. I have not taken him to see the doctor because he does not need it yet he is bound to be a little slow as was born in the netherlands and now lives in Paris and we are English. I also am not good at the non stop chatter with him so maybe that is why? But he will talk and he will be fine, in many other countries a speech therapist would not be called in for at least another year,
44Take Care
Jenna, I am sorry to hear about your son’s challenges. I agree with most of the other comments that he will probably outgrow it with time and some extra help. He seems like a happy and active little boy judging from the video, so even if his speech is behind you are doing something right! I do think that early intervention is really important, so if you can possibly swing it financially I wouldn’t wait. Is buying supplemental insurance for T1 an option? Insuring children tends to be cheap.
I’m also sorry to hear about your emotional problems. Most aspects of children’s development and personality are genetic, especially when they are small. While nobody is a perfect parent and there’s always room for improvement, a lot is just out of our control as parents. My daughter is relatively advanced, but it’s not because I am so awesome, it’s just the way she’s wired. And I truly believe that T1′s problems are the same: you didn’t cause anything bad to happen, it’s just how his genes/tendencies are expressing themselves.
I think it’s really important as a parent not to take responsibility/credit on for either your children’s successes OR their challenges. Of course we must help them to the best of our ability, but please remember that even as the world’s best parent ever, your control is so limited. Sometimes this is a scary thought (because it means you can’t protect your children fully, and can’t really make things easy for them), but I also find it liberating.
Jenna Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 7:41 am
You know what? You’re right. I don’t take credit for the ways he is advances (gross motor skills) so shy should I have to bear the brunt of the responsibility for why he is delayed? I’ve never thought about it this way.
LPC Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Exactly. Alternatively, you have some responsibility for both aspects of P., and you support him in his progression on all fronts. But NO UNDUE MOM SHAME:).
Katy Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Exactly. Completely. Ditto.
Just a wee story for you - The lady across the road from my Mum and Dad had a wee grandson the same age as me. He had two older sisters and didn’t talk until he was four years old.
His first words? “Sh*t Grandma, look out for the letterbox!”
Don’t beat yourself up, he’ll (and you) will be fine!
46I know it’s different, but I was significantly delayed in speaking because I couldn’t hear (thank you, constant ear infections and a twice-burst eardrum) and I caught up very quickly despite the delay. I know my parents felt guilty that they didn’t notice I was practically deaf for so long. It’s the way of things for parents to feel guilty when something happens to their children that’s less than ideal. My sister tries to fault herself for her son’s seizures. My brother feels guilty when his son gets constant ear infections (that sounds familiar). Heaven forbid I pass any of my genetic illnesses on to any children I have; I couldn’t imagine. In short, I seriously doubt this is your “fault” in anyway, but your feelings are natural. I do recommend therapy as soon as possible; it’s done great things for my nephew and for my friend’s son who was delayed in speech and eating solids. My nephew is still nonverbal, but he has profound problems T1 clearly doesn’t have, and speech therapy has still helped in many ways. It’s called early intervention for a reason.
Mandy Reply:
October 11th, 2011 at 1:37 am
My best friend had the exact same issue growing up with multiple ear infections and burst eardrums and also needed speech therapy starting around 4-5 I think. I wonder how common that is?
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, and just wanted to offer you some virtual hugs. Speech delays are precisely that: delays. Children do catch up; you have not ruined him. Also, as others have mentioned, speech delays are more common among children who are raised in bilingual households. Again, though, these are just delays; children catch up, and once they do they have the benefit of knowing two languages. You might be interested in this link and some of the other resources mentioned: http://www.lsadc.org/info/ling-faqs-biling_child.cfm
This said, I really would encourage you to find a way to provide him with the services that the therapists recommended, as this can only help him to catch up more quickly. It must be frustrating for him (and you) to not be able to communicate what he needs and wants, especially as he gets older and is exploring the world more and more. You mentioned above that sometimes you are frustrated in not knowing the best way to play with him. Therapists will typically give you “homework” - games to play to help with language development. Don’t be afraid to ask! These are people who are trained to answer these very types of questions. Parents who care about their children - as you so obviously do - are the very best types of parents to work with.
Be strong and give T1 and big hug. You can do it!
48My two oldest sisters talked early, did everything early, and then my brother came along and my mom thought something was seriously wrong with him! He spoke late (among other things) and he’s the most intelligent out of all 5 of us (the one that spoke the earliest did the worst in school, maybe she was too busy talking? lol).
You cannot be to blame, just like parents of early talkers aren’t responsible. I have an old neighbor that drank a lot of alcohol throughout her pregnancies, and her son is 3 and can’t talk, and they won’t get him therapy or teach him to sign because they’ve decided he’s just being lazy and if he wanted to speak, he would. I feel sad for him, because he is being neglected in more ways than one. I have a few friends here whose little girls hardly speak or make any sounds (they are the second children, and their older siblings were early talkers), and their docs aren’t that worried about it and neither are the parents. You’ll do what you think is best for T1, and if you make mistakes, you’ll learn from them and do better next time (or maybe make it again, being a mom is hard!). I don’t think that talking constantly to a child, naming objects, whatever, can make too much difference in a kids language abilities when he has normal, loving parents. Good luck with this new little endeavor!
49Don’t beat yourself up. I think the most important thing to remember is that normal is just an average. There are kids that fall on both sides of that, and being delayed has nothing to do with you not devoting your every second to giving T1 attention.
The younger boy I used to nanny, had issues with speech delay as well. When I started watching him he was 18 months & only said “please”, “dog”, “mama” & “dada”, “yes” & “no” on a regular basis. A couple of other words were used much less frequently. Within about 9 months he was talking like crazy, something must have clicked and you couldn’t even tell that he had been behind before. However, if the therapists think that he should have speech therapy now (versus wait a year), I personally wouldn’t wait.
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