04 Aug
The Buried Life
I was listening to an episode of Radio West called The Bucket List and I realized that my life is buried. I don’t know what to cut out, how to eliminate and simplify the daily minutiae so I can actually work at things on my bucket list and enjoy “life’s flow”. I have a great life, and am really fortunate. But I’m not sure that I feel I’m really getting all that I can out of each day. Any time we talk about moving again I cry (immediately, it’s become a knee-jerk response at this point) because I feel so overwhelmed by the disorganized state of my house and how my to-do list never seem to be shrinking.
Only-but this is rare-
When a beloved hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another’s eyes read clear,
When our world-deafen’d ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caress’d-
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life’s flow,
And hears its winding murmur; and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.
Have you done this? I’ve gotta go wipe a bum, unload my car, load the dishwasher, move the laundry, and make my bed. Can you tell me your secrets to simplification while I do all that?
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I’m not a mom, and it seems to me that motherhood is just simply “buried,” but I think part of it is to let go to the idea of simplification. Expectations are what create disappointment and in US culture we’re always chasing the future… we’re always procrastinating… “when I lose 10 pounds” … “when I reduce my possessions to under 300 items” … “when I paint that room” … “when I finally can enjoy my life…”
I think romanticizing simplification creates nothing but more false expectations and further disappointment. Unburying life is a habit based principally on an internal change rather than an external one. Not to say that some external adjustments and circumstances don’t help, but if you keep trying to change your external environment to create mindfulness, you’ll inevitably fail. The external is always changing and any appearance that we have control over it is illusionary. Finding internal simplicity is about accepting current circumstances as they are and making it a habit to take a few short moments each day to be entirely devoted to gratitude and enjoyment of life’s gifts - maybe it’s each hug with your kids, doing the dishes, or a particular song.
That’s the internal. An important external component is physics - only 84,600 seconds in the day, at some point you have to accept that your time is limited and if appreciating life and being aware of its flow is important to you, you have to make time for it. That may mean setting priorities and junking some things that may seem important.
Just a few thoughts, I’ll be interested to see if I find any of this true after having kids
Jenna Reply:
August 4th, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Thanks Steph. I really like this.
Jo Reply:
August 4th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
You actually make some very valid points Steph, Motherhood is hard and creates chaos in life, and in my mind especially, having those moments of clarity and gratitude are so important.
“Have you done this? I’ve gotta go wipe a bum, unload my car, load the dishwasher, move the laundry, and make my bed. Can you tell me your secrets to simplification while I do all that?”
Some days with small children you just have to surrender to the most important things and ignore the rest. Changing a nappy, important. Everything else is just gravy and if you do it then you will feel a sense of accomplishment, but I find if I instead sit down and play a game with my kids I also feel a sense of accomplishment.
When I got to the point that I chose to focus on the fleeting years of small children rather than stuff I felt free.
Yes some days my house is a tip and I dread unexpected visitors, but what I have learnt is that most mothers with kids like mine have those houses and thats ok, it’s getting easier as my kids grow and they are richer for the time I can give them.
Life is about more than the things you accomplish, the items you check off a “bucket list”. Focus on caring for others; knowing I am trying to be a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother is far more fulfilling for me than being able to say, oh, well, I did this cool thing, went to that cool place. Don’t compare yourself to other people, and don’t spend all your time on Pinterest dreaming about somebody else’s house & wardrobe & travel budget. You will make yourself crazy.
2Get off the internet and turn off the TV. Start reading books instead and you will feel better. I’ve found this is the best way to simplify. There is just too much online now. Also, I stopped blogging and stopped worrying about posting photos online. I was spending too much time sharing online the little things I did in my life instead of just living my life.
Linds Reply:
August 4th, 2013 at 2:56 pm
Yep. Start living life offline. Best thing I ever did. Maybe do an experiment and add up all the time you spend each day on instagram, FB, twitter, blog reading, blogging, commenting and responding to comments, Pinterest, Craigslist, WeddingBee, etc. and see how much it really is. I think it would be pretty eye opening.
I work full-time. When I get home from work, the computer is off limits for me. If I want to read blogs or check twitter, instagram, or Pinterest, I do it on my breaks at work or while I’m walking my dog (from my phone, which is what I’m doing right now). I have become so much more productive and every aspect of my life has improved - my health, my relationships, my home. I missed it a little bit at first but now not at all. I thought I would miss the “relationships” from online “friends” but my relationships with the people actually in my life has improved to the point where it doesn’t matter.
My only advice to you is to get busy living! I think all of us have really busy lives but you have to decide what is important to you. If you want time to work on your bucket list but don’t feel like you have time for it you need to asses what you can cut back on in your life. For the last 1.5 years I have been going to grad school full time and working part-time. Life is busy, but I also want to spend with my family and time to relax so I limit unnecessary activities like spending time playing online games/ social media.
4One thing I have been wondering for a long time is- does taking so many pictures really make you happy? And what about these pictures makes you happy? Sometimes I worry that you’re trying to get things to look right all the time- your house, your self, your kids, whatever, and you’re stressing out by forcing yourself to do things that you don’t really get any satisfaction from- like decorating (I say this because honestly I hate doing home improvement things- I’m never going to have a picture perfect house, and I don’t care) for the photos when it isn’t something that you really love doing for yourself. Try an experiment of some kind- maybe spend a week without any photographs or try taking pictures of more less than picture perfect moments- you could even start with things outside your life/house as you explore your new area. Maybe then challenge yourself to stop thinking about what you can take pictures of first and instead let the messiness of life lead you to the pictures.
5For my own sanity, I found I had to drastically cut back on my internet time. My husband and I got rid of our laptops, and just have a desktop now-no longer tempting us to “just look up a couple of things” on the couch when we could be spending time together. I also turn off the wifi on my smartphone after dinner, forcing myself to spend a few hours each day focusing on MY life, and not the lives of everyone else out there. We’ve also instituted a completely screen-free night each week (no computers, phones [aside from accepting calls from people like our mothers and siblings], tv, or Netflix. Sometimes we spend our screen-free night catching up on chores, like cleaning the bathroom, but other times we just spend time together, which can be amazing, and much needed. You don’t realize how much time is taken up by the internet (especially twitter and facebook!) and tv until you cut them out and see how much extra time you end up with.
6I am a mom of two and have been a sahm for ten plus years. I agree with all the ladies who advised you to Limit your screen time. Screens are time sucks. Read books, pursue a hobby, go to bed early, have a home date with hubby. Screens are keeping you ( and everyone who spends hours on the internet each day) from real life.
When you have kids you have to clean up after them and teach them all the things they need to know whether you work or not. That’s what having kids is, so you need to cut out distactions that are making you feel like you are missing out. You’re not… You are being a parent, it’s full time whether you work or not.
You can live the life you want but YOU need to to decide what that is and maybe that would be more clear if you weren’t influenced by the lives of others on the internet ( who are trying to portray themselves as perfect which we know is a joke!!!).
Talk to the moms at pick up and drop at preschool, over the years i have made some great friends this way. Live real life not internet life.
7Jenna, I agree with much that has already been said. Cutting back on screen time, or even just the number of media outlets/types you partake in will free up so much of your time for just living life, as well as things on your bucket list. This is just an observation made from the info/snapshot of your life you share on your blog and ig, but maybe being more choosy about the types of “lifestyle” activities you spend time on could lead to a stronger sense of peace, as well as freeing up additional time. It seems you love finding a great bargain (can very much relate, it can give me a thrill too!), but thrifting for good deals can be very time-consuming, as well as resulting in more stuff to care for. To me, that’s when the cost begins to really outweigh the benefit. Another example that really caught my attn is all of the time/money/effort you’re putting into painting your rental…it seems to be turning into something that is almost stressful for you. For me, something like that wouldn’t be worth the investment, not right away anyway. I think I’d get more out of taking my kiddos out to explore the new city and neighborhood and spending time with them just relaxing in the new place to help them get used to their new environment. In short, you want a life that is peas complicated and stressful…I think that could be simply achieved by taking a look at your extra-curriculars and cutting most of the non-essentials. Good luck to you…I know it is easier said than done.
8You have an infant! Of course you’re buried! Rumor is, it gets better.
9I’ve been thinking about this post off and on all day, trying to figure out how to articulate what I’m thinking and what I’ve experienced.
I think being a mama is really hard work. And it is *work*. I think that everyone, at some point or another (and for some of us a good portion of the time) feel like we want to stomp our feet and tell our mama’s that we want to go out and play. We don’t *want* to change the laundry out, clean up after the breakfast dishes, vacuum the floor, and sweep cereal off the floor. We *want* to go take pretty pictures, take a spa day, drink a cup of coffee and read a book in peace.
But that’s only part of it. I don’t believe that there are many women who have had children that genuinely regret their decision to have them. We love our children with everything we have. We love the way they smell, the way their eyes light up at the sound of us, and even the way that sometimes, when they’re really sick, no-one can make it better the way that we can. We love the opportunity to teach and inspire and wouldn’t trade those milestone moments for anything in the world.
I think the advise that you’ve been given is really good. I know that when I feel isolated or alone I find myself turning to online methods validation. I don’t begrudge you the time that you spend online. But for every minute you invest in maintaining online relationships you are choosing not to invest that time in developing real life relationships with real life people. I can’t imagine moving to a new city with two small children- I can only assume that meeting people would be daunting. Personally, I have found that church is a really great way to make new friends. I understand that you’ve recently made some lifestyle changes in regards to your religious upbringing but I hope you will consider attending services other places. You might find a good fit somewhere else. There are other ways to meet new people and make friends of course, church was just the first thing that came to mind.
The hardest part of growing into motherhood for me was accepting that I had to be okay with always putting myself second to the needs of my son. What made it easier was reminding myself that that time would only be a very small part of my life- once he started school I had more time than I knew what to do with. You are basically a single parent and you are living in a new place with no real built in support system. If I found myself in your shoes the first thing I would do is login to Flylady.net and start organizing my life. Limit the time you spend online to a set amount of time per day. Make it part of your schedule to go places where you have the opportunity to meet like minded people. In short, start living and stop worrying about what it all looks like. Your babies are little for such a small amount of time, soak it in, because while it feels like it’s going to go on forever there will come a time when they won’t be there anymore. Invest your time in them, invest your time in building relationships with real people. It is those relationships that will make your life fulfilling and unburied.
Now seriously, go check out that website. It saved my tail and as silly as it seems, my sanity.
Jenna Reply:
August 4th, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Fly Lady reminds me of this program I did last year. There were tasks to do each weekday, and I put them all in my task program to remind me what I needed to do that week. It was awesome to have cleaned out utensil drawer, junk drawer, etc! I should find one of those again. I stopped doing it because we keep moving and it doesn’t really work when you’re packing/unpacking. But it would be a great thing for 2014.
A couple of posts ago I made a suggestion and I didn’t think you took very kindly to it, so I didn’t insist. But a lot of people here seem to be saying the same thing now, so let me add my voice to the chorus.
Your Internet presence is stressing you out. I’m not saying that it’s your only problem, since I can’t possibly make that assumption, but it’s one that is in your control. It might not seem like a problem to you, but I promise that making dinner takes a lot less time when you don’t stop to arrange the ingredients in pretty piles for a picture, and a hike can be a lot more satisfying when you don’t care if your baby’s headband matches her outfit. That stuff doesn’t matter in real life, but it’s very easy to get caught up in the mindset that nothing counts unless it’s caught on camera and Pinterest-worthy.
11I know that feeling. It can be overwhelming. I agree that cutting out screen time is good one. One thing I used to do was have my laptop/tablet/phone with me while I watched TV. It was awful - I wasn’t concentrating on anything and I found my attention span dwindling - at work I could barely look at something for 5 minutes before I got distracted by the internet. Now when I watch TV that’s all I do. I keep my laptop in my study and it doesn’t come out. If I’m reading the newspaper (yes I’m old school) I turn the TV off and put music on instead.
Exercise is another BIG thing for me, it’s my “me” time as much as anything else. Really clears out the mind.
The other thing is, with small children, I think there’s only so much you can do. Your life is going to be about small things, for the next little while. My parents often say they missed the 80s since they spent the decade knee-deep in diapers (I was born in 81, my youngest sister in 87). They were buried a whole decade!! But it passes
Jenna Reply:
August 5th, 2013 at 8:23 am
Haha, they missed the 80s. I love it.
Hi
13I think I have to agree with the posters above about limiting your screen time and choosing to do the things that matter, like enjoying your kids, your husband & your home. I don’t spend as much time on the net as you seem to, but I do have tendencies to be a bit of a workaholic and especially once I got promoted into a leadership role found that work was sucking all my time out of my life and my family time. Email, sms and smart phones make us accessible 24/7, and i was replying to my team whenever they contacted me. What I decided was that my family and my mental/emotional health had to come first. I get home from work at 5/5:30 each night and I won’t look at my work email or do work until 7:30 (Mon/Tue only). Then I can only work til 8:30 before its time to switch off and do “me stuff”. On weekends (which starts as soon as I get home on Friday) I only do work from 12:30-5:00. My team knows that if they need a reply on something over the weekend they need to wait til Sunday.
I’m a lot happier & calmer and so is my family and guess what - my work has improved too because I’m more focussed). It’s all been about setting boundaries for myself and sticking to them. I had to realise that work would still be there, but my family wasn’t to stop because I was consumed in my work. It’s the same for social media, Pinterest, blogging, and the internet at large. Set yourself a limit on when you can go on and for how long and remember - those comments, that post etc will still be there tomorrow or next week but your kids will only be little for a short while and very soon they won’t to be spending time with mom.
Seize the day, live in the moment and appreciate the blessings you have.
14Jenna,
Have you considered the possibility that you spend so much time on the Internet (blogging, posting Instagram pics, on Pinterest, Facebook, etc.) because you feel bored and isolated as a stay at home mom? Not everyone finds this activity fulfilling as a full time job. Perhaps you would be better off if you found a nanny/good daycare situation for your children and a job that got you out of the house more often.
Just a thought. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
15This weekend, we had dinner with friends on both Friday and Saturday night, on Saturday we ran our errands, picked up boxes for our move, and I drove to and from a baby shower that was 1.5 hours away. On Sunday, I packed half my clothes and my entire craft room for our move. I swam laps and went to the garden and made a delicious dinner. We went to bed early.
I opened my laptop once. I checked in on twitter every once in awhile on my phone, but mostly I focused on cleaning and getting things done. I’m shocked at how productive I was, and how little I feel like I missed by not instagramming all of it or tweeting before/after pictures of all of my progress. I think the other commentors who recommend limiting your time on computers/social media are probably right.
16I’m not here to judge how much time you spend online with your blog, Facebook, IG, Twitter, etc. I’m embarrassed to say that I couldn’t even tell you how often I check Facebook and IG in a day. Just a quick check on my phone to see what’s going on, I don’t spend hours on any one thing, but I do that several times a day.
The first thing that came to mind when I read this post yesterday was a lesson on of my bishops gave when I was going to BYU. It was at the beginning of the semester in a combined RS/Priesthood meeting and the things he talked about have always stuck with me. He had us make a chart with 2 columns and 2 rows. Across the top we put the words “urgent” and “not urgent,” and “important” and “not important” down the side. Then he had us put things into each of the boxes so you had urgent and important (put these things first!), urgent and not important, important and not urgent, and not urgent and not important (these things would be your last priority).
Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I make a list like this and put all the things running around in my head on this grid. It really helps me refocus and put things back in perspective. I’m the type of person who tends to look at the whole picture, gets overwhelmed, and then freaks out. Doing something like this really helps me break things down and focus on one task at a time.
Hope this helps! And I hope you find some way to “unbury” yourself and enjoy life!
17Jenna,
You’ll feel less overwhelmed each day.
18I think there are big-picture things you can do, but you should not pressure yourself to do too much just now. To every thing there is a season, and it’s not time for your bucket list while you have an infant and a preschooler. You’ve been through so much in the last year or so-new baby, moving twice, not to mention leaving Mormonism and rethinking your whole life! When your kids are a little older, it will be SO much easier and you will not feel so buried. For now, just unpack and take care of your kids. Do one room a day. Don’t procrastinate about unpacking by looking up poetry and worrying about the flow of life.
Isn’t that motherhood at its core, as others have noted? The lack of personal time and amount of sacrifice required of me as a mother slapped me upside the head (and still does, sometimes) but mostly I’ve just learned to deal with it. Isn’t that what life is about - to learn to put others before self? I’ve lowered my expectations. That way anything I do seems like a major achievement! My husband willingly applauds my accomplishments in what used to be mundane and routine tasks. Like, “Today I did the laundry AND swept the floor and I kept everyone alive!” Getting a “good job, honey” for these simple things helps, at least it helps me.
19If you think your life is “buried” then it will be-
“What we think, we become…” Buddha
It’s all perspective and acceptance, this life.
20I think it is hilarious how so many people typed out “what you should do” instead of what they do themselves. People scold you on screen time- but they can and checked your blog!
I get tired too of the daily clean up … Unfortunately dishes well never do themselves. I really wish groceries just too
Good luck.
21Hi Jenna, wow, I’ve been here myself. Wondering if I should have a “stronger” opinion of something or if I should work harder at cleaning my house. Should I be “getting more” out of each day. And I had to just accept that this was my life at the moment. My goals were never set very high (I didn’t worry about the amount of things I was going to plan to accomplish!), I was living a happy life, so I wasn’t disappointed, ——I just wondered at times.
That being said, I’m 52, both kids through college, one married, both out of the house, and just lost my parents within the last 3 years. THIS has been the most unsettling and unsatisfactory time in my life. I’ve been working at deciding what to do next (and I have decided) now I just have to execute the plan. I have full support of my husband and my kids, no matter what I do or what happens. I do have it all. But I am still missing my parents and it is, quite frankly a huge hole.
Honestly at this stage of the kids lives you just have to go through it. What works for your family. Internet? I enjoy my computer way too much to give it up. (but didn’t have it when the kids were small.) We always felt that when the kids were little, it was “their” time, and it will fly by, so fast, and you will get so much enjoyment as them when they are adults too, there is NOTHING better as when we’re sitting around, the 4 of us, just talking together. I know this really isn’t advice for you, just commenting on how I lived, but maybe you should know that that bucket list has to be put on hold for a while, but you’ll get to it. and what are the consequences if you don’t finish it? will it matter? maybe that perspective is what you need to focus on? I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. (I personally love all the pictures and posts, so I’m being selfish to not advise you to give it less time, LOL)
Beth Reply:
August 6th, 2013 at 10:30 am
Kathy,
I’m 55, divorced forever, and both daughters are grown, educated and out of the house. I lost my Dad a year ago this month and am helping my Mom navigate these waters. I work in a field that I love and in a job that I love, but I have never felt more lost in my life. My 20s were a cakewalk compared to now.
Beth
KathyL Reply:
August 9th, 2013 at 1:07 pm
Beth,
I sighed when I read your reply. I only hope you have help with your mom. Its so hard! The transition to being the daughter to caregiver, even if its only just checking in with her each day right now, will consume you. I had my sister and 2 brothers, and marvel at how much we DIDN’T keep score, we all accepted who could do what. But after mom died, dad fell and broke his hip, adding to the fact that he had MS, in and out of nursing home/hospitals, getting another place ready for him to live in, then my daughter was in an accident out west, had to stop everything and go take care of her for 3 weeks, just got dad settled and he was finally on the upswing and he died on us. I can finally smile now because as my sister said “what was dad thinking, we were up his butt 24/7 and the first time he was alone, he dies?” We took comfort he was watching his soap opera, so he was with “friends”, lol. You won’t regret this with your mom, as hard as it might seem now. I finally feel a healing starting but its taken 3 years to not feel “sad”.
If you’d like to email, contact Jenna and ask her to send my email address. Sometimes just having someone to vent to is a great outlet for stress. Take Care!!!
Jenna, sorry to hijack your post, but thanks, its nice not feeling like my feelings are wrong. Can’t be if Beth feels the same, right? And would you share my email address with her, only if she wants it. Thanks, Kathy
There is a certain ebb and flow to life. There are weeks when my house is a mess, dishes, laundry go undone, I get behind on housework or my part time time job, but on the plus side I spent more time that week with my daughter doing fun things she enjoyed or I got to have a stay at home date night after she want to bed. Then when my husband and I can’t take the slacking off we do a full week of “catching up” and reevaluate the running of our household to try to improve and create more balance. However I’m realistic. Balance is something that varies and is not always consistent. When you step on the scale it moves back and forth before settling on the real number, and I try to live in that space of give and take without going too far out of range.
As far as your bucket list goes, I consider alot of the things dreams of things I’d like to do someday, especially when my children are grown. There is no timeline on them, and honestly if I finished the list, I’d be quite bored with my life that there is nothing to dream about or look forward to. Like how sometimes most of the fun of travelling is planning and dreaming about the trip. And look at all you have accomplished instead of what you haven’t. Look back through old pictures at how far you’ve come, the family you’ve helped grow, the career you are actively thriving in as a mother, photographer and blogger. Remember the quote “Life is about the Journey and not the Destination”. Don’t think of it as being buried with chores, keep them on the sidelines of the beautiful life you are living.
There are still weeks or days I feel overwhelmed and I understand why you wrote this post. Everyone has these days whether they admit it to themselves or not. Just remind yourself to keep perspective. Motherhood is time consuming (sometimes all consuming!) but someday we will pass the torch to the next generation as our kids grow up and have free time to perfect other areas in our lives (perfect home decor, gardening, travel etc.). While I agree that spending less time “plugged in” is beneficial, I enjoy the time I spend online. I probably will try to be more mindful of my online time in order to help my mental state when I start feeling overwhelmed to keep from getting swamped. I like “Young House Love’s” Pinterest challenge, because it reminds me how seeing all these projects on Pinterest makes me feel inadequate (like why have I still not made a quiet book for my daughter despite pinning like 800 inspiration pages for one!) but if I pick just one Pin and get it done already I am spending time making something instead of spending time adding to the giant list of things in the universe that I haven’t yet done.
I think I’ve started rambling. Sorry! I am clearly not a writer. Good Luck finding your way.
23The truth of life is that, no matter how hard you wish, unless you want dishes stacked up on your counter every single day, you HAVE to load and unload the dishwasher. Consider yourself lucky that you have a dishwasher and do not have to wash by hand. Try to either take time to enjoy what you are doing, or just get them over with. Dwelling makes it harder.
Mandy Reply:
August 7th, 2013 at 8:14 am
Jenna, please delete this comment. I didn’t realize it linked to my private blog. Please remove. Thanks.
Jenna Reply:
August 7th, 2013 at 9:15 am
It’s not linked to a blog. Let me know if you would like it deleted anyway.
At work we implemented a programme called the 4 Disciplines of Execution, and it is so awesome that we’re using it at home as well. It is published by FranklinCovey.
The idea is that amidst your day-to-day “whirlwind”, you need to find time to work on your wildly important goal (WIG). The argument is that the more goals (or items in your bucket list) the fewer you will successfully complete. You only have one goal. And you set up metrics to track your lead measures and lag measures to ensure that you hit your goal by your specified timeframe. I found this framework to be really useful in keeping me focused on the one thing that was most important- and once that is accomplished I will set another gaol.
25So many theories and plans to help you achieve, well, happiness, on this thread.
I think their can be a difference between achieving goals and being happy, and like most people, I have my fair share tendency to think I’m not “doing” life right, because I should be able to get more out of it.
But somehow, through the busy times and the bored-brainless-times, the once-in-a-lifetime trips away, and the omg-have-i-left-the-house-today months, life happens, and the moments I treasure are spread surprisingly evenly throughout them, creeping up of their own accord, and hitting me in the eyes. As, unfortunately, are the moments of misery, despair and intense stress (ok, the latter has specific triggers). The time I most regret wasting is actually the time spent thinking about how I should be living, not how I am.
I don’t have kids of my own. I have enough families in my life to know that there is a season of parenting when day-to-day infant and child care is pretty much all you get done. That’s the price of what for many are the most rewarding and significant relationships of their life. I don’t see it as “disappeared” or “wasted” time, it’s relationship building. It’s incredibly hard work, with incredible rewards. It passes.
I take issue a little with the many people telling you that being online isn’t living as authentically as not being online. Obviously there are lifestyle bloggers whose lives seem far more perfect than is possible. Your writing has never felt to me as if you are trying to convince yourself that your life is perfect by painting it so. In fact, it is the very authenticity of your musings that brings me back time and again. I’m an extrovert - for me, discussing something is a way of experiencing it. Photographing it can be a way of viewing it. If engaging online makes your life richer, that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. It doesn’t make you a narcissist. And anyone else’s list of stuff-you-should-do-to-prove-your-priorities-are-right isn’t as good as a conscious-living effort of you to define what you need.
That doesn’t mean I think there’s never anything to improve. We all do stuff to make us feel better that is counterproductive in the long run, even though the poison varies - eating comfort food; drinking too much; bitch sessions about people who deserve better; schadenfreude-based internet browsing and commenting; hiding from the world in video games. But I’ve taken to trying my own approach to conscious living - I try to be aware of the choices I make and the consequences, good and bad. I try not to lapse on the stuff most important to me - I treat people around me as if their needs are as important as mine. I stand up for what I think is right, and I offer solidarity to others doing the same. I don’t lie to myself or others. I offer love and support to family and friends, and bask in its return. I do my best in other ways - I try to eat right, save money, keep up with more distant friends, challenge myself in my reading etc. But this is the second tier and they also rank alongside: Go easy on myself. Allow myself to de-stress without making every moment a MOMENT. Have whole hours where I don’t feel guilty about anything. And accept that life is what happens when you are doing other things.
Sorry for the epic post. Not quit sure where it all came from
Jenna Reply:
August 12th, 2013 at 10:34 pm
I’ve been stewing over the comments on this post for a week now, and this comment helped me find some peace, particularly because of this section - “discussing something is a way of experiencing it. Photographing it can be a way of viewing it. If engaging online makes your life richer, that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. It doesn’t make you a narcissist. And anyone else’s list of stuff-you-should-do-to-prove-your-priorities-are-right isn’t as good as a conscious-living effort of you to define what you need.”
Yes yes yes! I know that there are other people like me because I see them dragging their cameras and lenses to remote parts of the world. The act of looking through the lens is the experience - and that is no better or worse than any other way of experiencing and enjoying a thing. It is just a method, and I’ve fallen for the method that involves looking through a lens.
And you did such a great job phrasing the part about narcissism and the need to discuss things. I have talked about the lack of authenticity to be found in the blogosphere. But there is a difference between the things I do *for* the blogging audience, and the things I share *with* the blogging audience. The comments here almost made it sound like people assume I want to have a clean kitchen/house because of my blog. That somehow you are all privvy to that at all times and I feel as though I need to live up to some impossible standard set by others. When in fact it’s me setting the impossible standard for myself, doesn’t matter if anyone is going to see it. That’s just who I am! There are certainly things I do specifically for That Wife and the readers (creating a tutorial that explains something), but when I go on a hike with my kids and take pictures and share them, I didn’t go on the hike OR take the pictures because I have a blog. I did those things because they are enjoyable to me, as is the experience of sharing the pictures with other people.
Have whole hours where I don’t feel guilty about anything. I’m going to work on that.
A few things. Since I move so much I am learning a few things. First, hire movers who pack your house as well. Second, hire help to help you unpack and organize! It will help with the anxiety about moving.
In my opinion, instead of focusing on a bucket list, I would far rather focus on what kind of lifestyle I want…what the pace of my days looks like. I think that leaves life open to infinite adventures! Defy your bucket list and let life pour out adventures more amazing than you could plan!
Also, good therapists rock.
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