29 Jan
Assumptions About Acting Out
One of my earliest memories is of my little sister being shut in her room, screaming and kicking to get out, while our babysitter held on to the door handle and let my sister know that she would be let out when she stopped throwing a fit. This wasn’t a rogue babysitter abusing her power while my parents were out on the town, it was a part of the child-rearing philosophy that I grew up under. Naughty behavior was met with time-outs on the hard kitchen chair while mom cooked dinner, or being sent to my room, or if what I had done was particularly egregious, a spanking with The Block. I only remember spankings happening as a punishment at the end of the day, after my parents had a chance to calm down and think it over (and of course, after I had plenty of time to dread the stinging sensation coming my way). My parents did the best they knew how and I felt their efforts had shaped me into a good 20-year-old. Their methods were very effective, and I wanted to adapt and adopt them for my own children.
While dating That Husband we discovered that we both felt very committed to raising disciplined children. They would know that in our family we don’t tear through the grocery store ripping items off the shelves, we don’t run screaming down the aisles at church, and we don’t jump on the couch cushions. The parenting approach of my childhood taught me that if you give children an inch, they will take a mile. I thought the right kind of discipline that raises the right kind of children was the rigid kind, maybe even corporal, if necessary.
Through the first part of my son’s first two years I felt relatively confident about my disciplinary approach. We bought a time-out pad and started assembling a list of reasons to visit the pad. I wouldn’t spank, because I felt it was a good barrier to prevent me from acting out in anger against him, and because I felt it would be confusing to tell him that he can’t hit other people but demonstrate that we can hit him. I felt that establishing myself as the Alpha Dog in the house was essential and so I made it a point to never, ever give in.
I approached parenting with the attitude that when children misbehaved it was because they were looking for attention. I thought of their negative behavior as a power-grab for my eyes and ears, and that the way to correct for this was to deny the attention they sought when I wanted to correct undesirable behavior. Tantrums and meltdowns and toys thrown across the room were met with stern tones and isolation in the form of time-outs. Things escalated to the point that we started shutting our son in his room assuming that if he was in there long enough that he would melt down so completely that the things we wanted gone would melt down right out of him. Each time we opened the door to ask if he was ready to come out he would double down in his efforts to communicate how unhappy he was with us.
I yelled a lot. It was really hard to not allow myself to spank, because my first instinct was to cut the behavior off with a slap on his behind. His behavior wasn’t improving, and I described our time together as a “ticking time bomb.”He was 3 1/2 and I felt like I was tip-toeing around him, waiting for the next explosion that would send us both spiraling off into a period of screaming and unhappiness. One day, he started yelling back at me. I didn’t feel like I was one of those moms who yelled *all the time*, but I instantly saw the corner I had painted myself into. I taught him to yell by yelling at him. How could I discipline him for something I had modeled in the first place? There is no way I could feel good about arguing that mommy can yell, but he can’t.
I was talking with my therapist about some of the things that I had been yelling about, and she stopped me and said “Each morning your son wakes up and reinforces the things you have taught him from the day before.” A very simple statement that acted as a complete paradigm shift for my approach to parenting. He’s not asking me to repeat myself because he is vying for my attention, he is asking for help because he is learning. Now instead of huffing and throwing a tantrum of my own each time he asks, yet again, to have me demonstrate something I know he can physically accomplish, I remind myself that I am his teacher and I am laying a foundation for independence.
You see, I had spent months (years?) assuming that my child was the problem. I knew yelling at him was wrong, but I was heaping the blame on him for making me yell in the first place. If he would just listen to me, and do what I asked, I wouldn’t have to yell anymore. The shift in thinking that occurred in my therapist’s office made me realize that the problem was in my approach to parenting.
Dr. Laurak Markham introduced me to the phrase Connect Before You Correct. When things go wrong I shouldn’t leap straight to what actions are taken, I need to think about why something occurred and how I can acknowledge the way my child is feeling. I realize now how important this is because he might not even know how to describe what he is feeling and why the thing he feels caused him to act that way.
Yesterday T1 came out and made a very sad face. He told me “I am feeling sad.” I asked him why he was feeling sad and he replied “I watched too much show, and now I feel sad.” I gathered him in my arms and told him that sometimes I watch too much show, and it makes me feel sad too. I asked him if he might feel better if he used his body to play and have fun with some of his toys. While puttering around the kitchen before bedtime this week I heard him talking to his sister in a frustrated voice, as she tried to get closer to the Tinker Toys he was playing with. I called back saying I would be there in second. As I turned down the hallway I saw him carrying his sister out of my bedroom, with no anger or animosity on his face. He had recognized his emotional reaction, and saw that the solution was removing his sister from the area so she wouldn’t mess up his toys. I dropped to my knees and told him how incredibly proud I was that he was able to be kind to his sister and carry her so gently out of the room. I’m actually tearing up a little bit as I type this, because it is beautiful to me to see how hard he is working to get better at this each day.
We’re both learning to do this, together. I huff a lot less, and almost never yell (almost). We spend a lot of time talking about feelings, mine and his, and I apologize to him when I make a mistake. Sometimes I hear him getting frustrated in the next room, and I hear a huffing and an “arrrggggghhhh” that sounds eerily similar to my own. We’ve still got a lot of work to do, but we’re getting there. The last year has been like a dark tunnel, but I see the light and it’s getting better by the day.
He knows that I am not perfect, and that I’m always trying to do better. I told him last week “I bite my fingernails too, let’s try to help each other quit.” We’re much happier now that we are approaching this as something we are doing together, hand-in-hand, with fingernails chewed right down to the quick.
I am writing this post three months shy of his fourth birthday. I changed my parental disciplinary approach when he was just over 3 1/2.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I’m curious when you stared this change how old was he? Of course I’d love to get frustrated less with my daughter but it seems that at 2.5 she’s not quite old enough to talk her feelings out yet.
Theresa Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 6:13 am
But maybe I’m underestimating her or I need to work on establishing this pattern young? Just so hard to try and talk something out with someone who just wants to keep reatong why?,
Andrea Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 6:19 am
Disclosure: I found this site from that “other” site that I think we don’t mention here, and for the last several days I’ve been catching up, trying to find all the awful things you’ve supposedly said and done. So far I haven’t had any luck….
Anywho- regarding this post, I think the subject of discipline is hard for us parents, because all we have to really go on is how WE were disciplined, and times were very different back then. I grew up in a house where there was no “talking things out” or trying to get to the root of bad behavior. There were four of us, with parents who were more interested in the idea of having kids rather than the practice of actually working to raise those kids to be healthy, independent adults. So we were always looking for attention- be it negative or positive.
So when I had kids, I was a yeller and an occasional slapper, and I learned pretty quickly that those methods did not work for me or my children. It was hard to step back and learn how to reapproach things. My kids are older now (teenagers) and I’m happy knowing that they won’t ever look back on their childhoods and remember a mom who was always yelling and swatting at them.
I think what you’re doing with T1 is absolutely the best thing. And the fact that he knew to pick up T2 and remove her from a situation that was getting her into trouble shows that he is so wise beyond his years.
Keep up the good work, mama!
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 7:42 am
I added a note to the bottom of this post noting his age at time of writing and when I started to make a change.
I plan to use this approach with T2, so I’ll have to use this on a 2 year old eventually as well. I think I will do a lot of “Stop. Drop. and Breathe.” and a lot of Time In. I went to a talk with Dr. Laura Markham last night and I’m going to paste in my notes on those two things:
Stop. Drop. Breathe. Then attempt to reconnect. Calm thyself. Admit contribution to the situation (fault?). Connect. Empathize and understand their position. Set a limit (we don’t speak that way). Validate the upset nature.
Time in. Scoop them up and take them to a safe place. Hold them if they want to be held. DO NOT TRY TO TALK THEM THROUGH IT. Establish safety and connection, “It’s okay sweetie. I’m right here. I’m going to give you a hug when you are ready for it.” Hold them if they want to be held. Once they are calm you can talk it through together.
——-
So if T2 throws her cup at the dinner table and is starting to melt down at two years I will make sure I am calm first (this is a big change for me, because I used to discipline as quickly as possible because I wanted to make sure that the child connected the punishment with the action so they would know what they were getting in trouble for) and then I will get physically close with her and say something like “You threw your cup, and I think it is because you are feeling mad. We don’t throw cups at dinner. I’m going to get a towel and you can help me clean this up.” And then we would clean it up together (this part was really hard for me and I didn’t do it with T1 when he was younger because I was impatient and didn’t want to take the time to let him “help.”) If she is melting down completely I might pick her up and take her away from the situation entirely and do a time-in. In the future if it kept happening I might think about keeping the cup out of her reach, or using a sippy cup. My goal is to teach her to regulate her emotions so she doesn’t feel like she needs to throw a cup NOT to punish her for doing so. Does that make sense?
Monique Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 7:57 am
I love love love the idea of the time in. My son is almost three and I’ve done a few time outs with very little positive effect. Recently I’ve abandoned them and when he’s very very upset I ask him if he needs a hug and the answer is always yes. I hold him and it calms him down and I didn’t even think to give it a name or make it a pattern. But I guess that’s what it has become, and that’s what I’ll call it. Time outs led to either a full melt down, or him finding things to occupy him in the crib and completely forgetting why he was there in the first place. I like this so much more.
This was a really great post. I don’t have kids yet, though we are planning on starting our family soon, and how to raise a well-behaved and also emotionally developed kid is something I really stress out about. Thanks for opening up, Jenna… I really appreciate your candor. I think most bloggers avoid “getting real” about anything of substance, but it’s such a great way to share experiences and help others.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. T1 and T2 are lucky to have a mommy who is willing to take steps to make changes that benefit the whole family.
2I also think this approach sounds great, but wonder what you think about T1s age in relation. My son just turned two this month, and suddenly everything is amplified. He is still so driven by impulse, if he doesn’t want his food he’ll throw the bowl, if he’s bored running errands he’ll start shrieking, and I can’t get him to stay in time out for the life of me. Also he’s really big for his age, so physically restraining him is difficult. So I’m wondering if you can think back to two years ago and how you would use this approach with him then?
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 7:43 am
Emily - I talked about this a little bit above. It’s hard to think about it in relation to a child in between the current development stages of my two children. I’m sure I will struggle when I get there with T2!
Emily Hansel Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 8:25 am
Thanks Jenna! I think you must have been writing that as I was writing my comment!
Laura Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 9:30 am
Jenna, this is an awesome post!
On the question of younger toddlers, it’s almost easier for me to react (even though they can be so frustrating) because you know they aren’t advanced enough to be manipulating you or aggravating you on purpose. Most of the time when the littler ones do something that seems “naughty,” it means something simple about testing boundaries, trying new things, or needing to learn a new skill. It’s kind of fun to think of the monologue running in a one- or two-year-old’s head:
-”I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to do about it! Can you help me figure out what to do?”
-”It’s fun to drop this thing and see what you do in response, mom! Do you do the same thing every time? Is this a game? Neat, I like it!”
-”I’m going to try this out to see if this is an OK behavior.”
-”Wow, if I don’t like something, I can throw it and it goes away! Amazing! So useful!”
-”I like the noise that makes! That’s new!”
-”Wow, this thing opens when you pull on it? I never knew that! Our house is amazing!”
-”Look how high I can climb on this table! It’s so nice up here! I can see everything! Aren’t you proud of me!??”
Even before my daughter could really talk, I taught her to say “help!” (which sounded like “hp!”) instead of hitting, crying, etc. when she got frustrated. (When she’s crying instead of helping right away, gently instruct her “say help!” and as soon as she says it, swoop in to help and give her praise for saying help.) In situations where someone might get hurt (she was biting me on the shoulder, losing it with another kid, or possibly hurting herself), I would just calmly put her down or remove her from the situation, and explain why (“no hitting, that hurts” or “tables aren’t for climbing, but we can climb on the playground”) but not yell or punish.
It’s also been *really* helpful for me to keep emotionally distant from their feelings in times of stress. Sometimes I have to repeat to myself “This is her temper tantrum, not yours” so I don’t get swept up in the emotion. I also try to notice what makes me grumpy or frustrated so I can empathize better. I would be unhappy if someone was always telling me I was doing something wrong, or telling me my choices were bad, or making me eat food that I think is yucky, or stealing my favorite things and telling me to share with other people. Not to say that we can’t ask our kids to try new food, have them share, or correct their behavior, but I try to do it with a sense of empathy that these things can be hard, and make some accommodations accordingly.
All this requires I get enough sleep. If I’m super tired, I find it impossible to parent well.
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 9:44 am
Really great suggestions. I’m going to use the help idea with T2.
I have a follow up post in the works about how I wasn’t able to do this until my self-care reservoir tank was full. I thought self-care meant “getting my hair cut and buying clothes that help me feel confident” because I associated self-care with personal indulgences. But it’s about so much more than that.
LifeOn Mulberry Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 11:54 am
Amen on getting enough sleep, Laura!
I have learned that when my son misbehaves it almost always comes back to me and me not meeting his needs. He misbehaves most when he’s hungry, tired, in an uncomfortable situation (too many people or too much stimulation for too long), bored, or not getting enough attention. I only “punish” him if he does something deliberately that I can’t attribute to any of the above. Our punishment is to just remove him from a situation. I always give him 1 more chance, and if he does whatever he did again we leave, or he gets taken to another room, or we implement some form of redirection. For now it works, but I’m curious to see how that changes over time.
Brenda Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 3:09 pm
This is great comment, I took me about 3 or so years to learn this as well. There really is quite a learning curve to parenting. I still have to remind myself of this on particularly trying days.
Great post. Thanks so much for sharing! Our son is 17 months old, and while I already exercise some of these tricks from your new philosophy, I am always looking for the best ways to handle his budding tantrums. Thank you!
5What a beautiful, honest post, Jenna! I don’t comment often, but this was really heartwarming to read. I have a kid the same age as T1, and it’s so hard sometimes to know when to be gentle and when to be stern — it’s something I really struggle with lately. Thanks for sharing your experiences and resources — I love hearing about your kindness and understanding with T1!
6This was a really great post. The part where you talked about how your parents had disciplined you as a child and how you had planned to implement the same approach when you had your own children is exactly how I planned to approach parenthood, and we seem to have had very similar upbringings in that regard.
My son is 2 and a half, and I have yet to resort to time outs or spanking, and I don’t think I ever will. I was told about Aha! Parenting shortly after he was born by a friend, and reading the daily email completely changed how I thought about things. Maybe this method will stop working in the future, but the techniques have been very useful so far, even when he was just turning two. It certainly hasn’t prevented all tantrums, but I find they’re not very intense and end quickly.
7Jenna,
I am so happy for you and your son that you are educating yourself on more appropriate and skill-building parenting approaches. You are the only one who can equip your son to handle socio-emotional issues later in life, and making these changes now will make a world of difference.
Cassie
8I’m so happy to read this. Let me please tell you, it’s SO great you’re recognizing this while they are still young. I was a young, divorced single mom when my son was that age. I was under a lot of stress and probably yelled and lost my temper way more than I should have. I don’t remember the good stuff, only the bad. It sticks with you FOREVER. I look at him now and wish I could go back and do it all over again, better.
There were lots of hugs and kisses and affection too, lots of telling how much I loved him and how happy he made me. But the times I was less patient with him kills me even today. You always have regrets as a parent, I wish that I was more aware at the time how quickly these years go by, and how important they are.
I’m so happy for you!
9Love this post. And I love the idea of the “Time In”. I often think when my son is acting out it simply is because he isn’t getting the attention he wants from me and what a great way to reconnect and give it to him. I’m definitely going to try that.
I too started out as a yeller and am working hard to remove that from our discipline. It doesn’t make me feel better, makes him feel worse and solves nothing. I’m going to check out this book you are talking about too!
10I agree with this new philosophy of yours, and I also recommend the book Love and Logic: The Early Childhood years. The ideas are very similar to Laura Markhams, and the book gives good suggestions for how to show compassion/empathy before letting the child be involved in the disciplining process (which also encourages the child to have to think about choices and consequences for their actions). Thanks for this post, I find your blog very insightful these days! I have a 2.5 year old myself.
Betts Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 5:35 pm
I also like Love and Logic. My mom is an early ed teacher and she swears by it.
I really liked reading this post this afternoon. I grew up with a similar parenting style (maybe it was just en vogue in the 80′s?) and assumed I would do the same with my kids. And then my daughter (who is now six) was born and started to grow up, and we realized it wasn’t working for us at all. We adopted much gentler strategies with her (similar to what you’ve listed above) and we’ve been so much more successful! Our daughter was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder last year (which explains a lot of the behavior struggles that she’s had) and it was nice to hear from her therapists that the approach we had been doing for several years was a good one.
We still do time outs for her sometimes, because she gets overstimulated and really needs time by herself to calm down and feel better, but we just call it “recharging her batteries” and let her know that she’s welcome to come out and snuggle with us whenever she’s ready. I think sometimes it’s actually a relief for her to be given permission to leave the situation when she’s losing control of herself. Anyway, I think your approach is great! We’ve gotten a surprising amount of negative feedback from our friends and family for not spanking or yelling at our kids (weird, right?). I’ve heard so many times what a “pushover” I am for not yelling at my daughter, but I think that’s ridiculous. I want her to make good choices because I’ve taught her well and she knows what’s right, not because I’ve intimidated or terrified her into behaving.
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 2:52 pm
I’m exploring the world of Highly Sensitive Children right now, and I am shocked by the difference sensitivity to my child’s needs, combined with the gentle parenting approach, has made for us. My family may disagree with my approach, but I was so unhappy and overwhelmed before that no one who knows me well is going to say I am doing it wrong!
I really liked this post. My daughter is 18 months and starting to push her boundaries and it’s so hard to figure out how to best teach her what is and isn’t ok!!
13Have you checked out http://www.nurshable.com? It’s very AP but it has some really awesome posts about gentle parenting that you might find useful. I also this blog post today which I really liked:
http://www.hellobee.com/2014/01/29/thinking-time-a-new-thought-on-time-out/
14After working in all sort of situations with children as a social worker and counsellor I came to realise that when children are indulging in “attention seeking” behaviour it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People say “Oh he/she is just an attention seeker” or “just doing it for the attention”. Well yes, the child probably *is* doing it for the attention. The thing to ask is WHY do they feel the need attention at this moment? Is there a physical need that should be fulfilled (are they tired, hungry, hurting physically)? Is there an emotional need to should be fulfilled (are they lonely, angry, sad etc?). Seeking attention is not necessarily a bad thing. We need to examine the reasoning behind the attention seeking behaviour and act from there rather than just branding attention seeking behaviour as a negative thing and punishing the child because of it.
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Yes! This really is at the heart of it. Attention seeking behavior stems from an inability to communicate needs or desires.
Sara Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 4:51 pm
This is *exactly* it, and exactly the point! WHY does this child need attention? Are they hungry, tired, bored, or in need of some attention or reassurance? Do they need a break? Do they need to push the boundaries, because that’s what toddlers do? I’ve attempted to view my daughter (2.5 years old) through this lens from birth, and it has amazed me. She’s very ‘well behaved’ - meaning that when she ‘acts out’, I know that is isn’t because she’s a brat, it’s because she has some kind of need. She’s hungry, or sad, or in need of some exercise or a break. Or, she’s two, and so she’s testing the limits, and needs the limits to be kindly and gently enforced. Viewing your child’s behavior this way is such a positive, awesome thing, imho. You kid isn’t a brat - they’re just communicating their needs. In the only way they know how. And sometimes their only need is to feel that an adult is in charge, and loves them - and that’s ok too.
Great post. I know how hard it is to examine your flaws (as you see them) and to work to improve.
Jenna Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 5:14 pm
An interesting note - I no longer think of my son as “naughty.” In fact, I can’t really think of any times now that I would describe him that way. This has changed how I interact with him when things go wrong because I’m not longer mentally building up proof to validate why I need to yell at him. That wasn’t really a deliberate thing, but I think it was happening.
Sara Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 5:36 pm
That’s been really crucial for me. Children aren’t little jerks or brats - they’re just people trying to get their needs met, in the only way they know how. And usually, their needs are different than ours. They’re not trying to be assholes.
Charlotte Reply:
January 29th, 2014 at 7:08 pm
LOVE THIS! When I change the way I view my child (as inquisitive or curious or what-have you versus naughty.) I change the way I feel about her, the way I treat her, the way I raise her. It changes almost everything, and all for the better.
1. I think it’s so great that you not only came to this realization and corrected your perceived wrong approach, but also that you had the courage to share this experience with your peers. Kudos to you, and thanks for the insight.
2. Having been raised in a similar manner and therefore approaching parenthood in a similar way, I have recently come to some of the same conclusions that you did and am finding it difficult to make the change. I think mostly because I don’t feel supported in my decision to change my approach to parenting; which leads me to my next point…
3. How did you approach TH with your thoughts and intended actions on this topic, how did he respond, and does he participate in the same type of parenting that you described above?
Jenna Reply:
February 2nd, 2014 at 8:36 pm
I think that his absence has made the transition a lot easier because he can see the effects of the changes on the weekends. TH has never really been a yeller or hitter so there wasn’t really much of a change he needed to make other than asking about feelings, deep hugs, doing time-ins instead of time-outs.
I didn’t need to convince him that we were going to make a change. Things were really bad! It was obvious that a change couldn’t possibly be worse than our current approach. His (amazing) preschool also emphasizes feelings in a similar way to the gentle parenting approach and we’ve been blown away by how good they are with him.
Thanks Jenna. My daughter is 16 months old so still very young but I can see the beginnings of toddlerhood appearing. I’m starting to think about how to approach discipline with her and I really appreciate seeing the honest thoughts of parents like this. I look forward to seeing updates on your approach with T1 and T2.
17Great post. Need to circle back and read all of the comments!
18I think I’m somewhere in the middle as far as parenting styles - some things have consequences, like when you act out in a restaurant, then we leave the restaurant. If it’s a safety issue like reaching for something hot/sharp, then I yell. But then other times, we talk through feelings and have time-outs. She’s only 18 months, but I repeat “I know you’re sad because you bumped your head/fell down/don’t want to go to bed. We will sit on the couch and I’ll give you a hug.” over and over, for example. We also just started that crying and fussing are times when we go in her room and sit until she is calm. When she is calm, we leave together and join the rest of the family. It’s working fairly well so far… I teach high school special ed, so I approach her like I approach my students.
They need social skills training just like a toddler does sometimes.
19I love this post for so many reasons. My “baby” is turning 18 this year but the foundation that we put into place still helps us today. I was always very firm with him and demanded obedience. Frankly, I roll my eyes at parents that spend twenty minutes trying to reason with their children but never get around to demanding respect and obedience.
I have found that with my son logic and words were our lifeline. I never wanted him to follow *anyone*, even me blindly. I wanted him to question and ask why. And he did. But he also learned what “final no” meant. I would always allow him to make his case for or against whatever it was we were talking about. But when the time came, final no (or whatever) meant we were done discussing it. I would explain why the decision was what it was, validate his feelings on the subject by restating what he had told me, and then insist on moving forward. Over the years I really think that that, more than anything has led him to be able to grow into the man I wanted him to be.
As we’ve gotten into the tail end of his teen years we’ve kind of come full circle. Now, it’s harder than it was when he was so little- but I’ve been surprised at the number of times he’s stormed away to come back and ‘use his words’.
Anyway, all of that to say good job mama. Kids don’t come with an instruction book and we don’t magically become perfect just because we have them. We are all a work in progress.
Jenna Reply:
January 30th, 2014 at 7:32 am
Yesterday I caught myself using “because that’s the way we do it” when he asked why he could only have 3 minutes of TV before school. Noooooo! I really don’t want to parent that way, but it’s hard to resist.
I find myself wondering with many of your posts — how has your husband taking your wholesale 180 on almost everything in life?
Jenna Reply:
January 30th, 2014 at 7:28 am
This is where his rational nature benefits me - as long as a logical argument can be made, and the results of the changes are beneficial to us, it’s an easy sell. No changes so far that he hasn’t made with me.
Jessica R. Reply:
February 4th, 2014 at 11:01 am
That is wonderful for the two of you. I’m amazed that he left the Mormon church with you as well. Do you feel like that was something you decided and he followed, or did he have a heart change alongside you? Just curious.
Jenna Reply:
February 4th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
I think probably the best description would be that we acted as jurors, putting Mormonism on trial through lots of reading and research. The conclusion was easy to come to, separately but in agreement, the more we learned.
What an awesome post Jenn. The love is shining through. I think it’s great you are growing and changing, that is always good. I love that you are willing to admit mistakes and open to a change of heart. It’s beautiful how your boy just copies you and thus is getting better too, getting rid of the old.
22I know I haven’t commented for a while, but thanks for writing this. I have been a pretty bad place emotionally for a while and I’m realizing what an awful effect it is having on my children’s behavior and my view of their behavior. I can’t expect them to handle their problems gracefully when they see me “deal” by yelling, pouting, etc. I need to find some new ways of approaching misbehavior and whining/attention seeking. I’ll be looking into the resources you mentioned. Thanks!
Jenna Reply:
January 30th, 2014 at 8:09 am
Good to see your “face”
around here again. I’m sorry things have been hard. I have some drafts I’m working on to follow up on this, one of them talks about how essential it has been to allow myself to get childcare help, lots and lots of it, and not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for doing so. The quantity of time I have with my children is less, but the quality is 1000x better. Discussions about neglect (for example, anyone who might argue I never see my kids ) are straw men arguments that don’t apply to me and distract from the fact that *I needed help* and that anyone who spends time with us in a concentrated way sees that things are enter now. I do acknowledge that paying for childcare is a privilege that not every mother can afford. That makes me sad because It has been so good for me and I want it for everyone.
I hope you find something that helps you.
I just wanted to pop in and thank you for this post. I think it is so important to ditch the “problem child” mentality. I have a twin brother on the autism spectrum and unfortunately it’s been the family mentality for most of our lives that he is the source of the issue. My parents haven’t seen the ways in which we are all the problem- usually by failing to set boundaries/consequences outside of yelling at him, and by modeling yelling rather than legitimate social problem-solving. It becomes a vicious cycle, because when you think you are the problem, it just tends to create more problem behavior.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and good for you for making this change in mindset early on. It’s definitely much harder (almost impossible?) to change when everyone involved is adult!
24Excellent ideas!! I really need to alter my approach to my children’s behavior and this post was the perfect reminder and motivator! Thank you:)
25This was really fascinating to read. As you know, all being well, we will be welcoming a little miss in July and discipline is something I have been giving a lot of thought to because I am not always that patient and I am easily overwhelmed. I will be checking out the resources you mention above and also in this thread to get some ideas to discuss with the husband!
I can count the number of times I was smacked as a child on my hand, and it was always out of frustration. My dad did yell a lot, despite his insistence that no child is really naughty, just being a child. He always apologised for yelling like he did but it did impact us. I hope to have a calmer approach as much as possible as I think it would have been better for all involved if that were the case growing up myself.
26Loved this post.
There is a great book called The Science of Parenting that I love. Check it out-I think you will enjoy it.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/471548.The_Science_of_Parenting
27After a particularly challenging morning with my 2.5 year old… I needed this today. Would love even more info / resources on this topic!!
Jenna Reply:
February 1st, 2014 at 4:33 pm
I have a few drafts I’m working on.
Today we went to a birthday party at a bowling alley, for the friend of my son. It was so loud, with lots of action. He was overwhelmed, and normally I would have tried to coerce him to join in, feeling frustrated that he was breaking down at an activity I was enduring for him. This time I took him to a quiet place and let him get used to the environment. It was still a lot of work, but so much better than before!
A really great resource for you might be Hand in Hand Parenting. It’s a non-profit that gives classes and such in the Bay Area, but also have awesome articles available on their website: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/. One of the things that really struck me was your bit about how we so commonly think that kids act out because they’re seeking attention. The funny thing is that I think this is true, but I’ve just come to see it as a neutral thing rather than a bad thing. When I’m having a hard day, I want some kind attention too - why would our kids be any different?! Thanks for such a thoughtful post. I’m continually impressed by your bravery to put yourself out there, especially in talking about how your perspectives change over time.
29Jenna-this post is straight from the heart. About something we can all relate to. This is such a difficult stage of life for both our kiddos and for us. It’s reading things like this that makes me think I can make it through too :). Thanks for sharing.
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