When I wrote my post about hair and youth I tried to work through the responses before I posted, in order to anticipate anything I might want to avoid. There were two that I missed that I wanted to circle back to in a second pass.
First, the discussion of my unwanted desire to be considered attractive, specifically by men, should not be read as a broadcast that I’m actively looking for something, nor that I want to be objectified by any human person. Have you seen the Jessica Williams piece about how the sidewalk is not a catwalk? I can give a big amen to that. Down with the cat-calling and the misogyny! I’m not advocating for men to toss sleazy “compliments” in my direction, or in the direction of any woman. But I do think a lot of women, myself included, grow up viewing their looks as a commodity to be leveraged in the marketplace of life. Growing older and having children complicates all of this and leaves me feeling confused about where my worth is as I attempt to redefine some of my longest-held beliefs.
Second, a few people expressed shock that I, a married woman, would dare to talk publicly about my individual sexuality. I have a husband after all. There were several comments inquiring after TH’s opinion of my hair. The problem with asking me how my husband feels about my hair, or my looks, and assuring me that his approval should be enough to meet my needs, is that I’m setting myself up once again to base my internal assessments on external sources. This is the very thing that I’m attempt to work through and move past.
And now to circle back to the title of this post and the lovely ditty I reconfigured for the intro (see: I Only Have Eyes For You). I’m not in a monogamous fidelitous marriage because I lost all sexual thoughts and desires related to other people. My husband knows this about me, and that’s why his reaction to my confession that I generally want to be considered sexually desirable was something akin to a non-reaction. And I appreciated that a lot because one of the things that I value most about our relationship is that I can be my authentic self, not just with him, but around him. We are choosing to be together (hey, it’s almost time for another wedding anniversary post after all). We’ve only got moves for each other, but I’m not laying any claims to his eyes, as he certainly has no claim on mine.
(Of course, don’t stare or leer at others. Cat-calling is for the birds. Or whatever wants to call at birds and try to eat them.)
Also:
Wanted to say that I thought your post was brave and honest - didn’t comment before, but you struck a real chord with me.
I’m also considering cutting my hair now too
Jenna Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 1:34 pm
I started curling it with a straight iron and now I love it! I just needed some time to get used to it
Sorry but this is really confusing to me. I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. There were many comments on the other post saying of course you can embrace your sexuality as an individual outside of being a wife, but wanting strange men to look at you and want to fuck you seemed extremely strange to most of your audience.
It is also really awkward how you are avoiding saying what TH said about your hair. I get the feeling you wrote the original post because he said he didn’t like it. Asking your significant other’s opinion on a new haircut, outfit, glasses, etc isn’t this dramatic anti-feminist endgame you make it seem to be, its just normal interaction between intimate people. If my husband was horribly disfigured in an accident I would still love him and who he is - but I also like letting him know how handsome he is, it makes us both feel good and doesn’t mean he is relying on me for self worth.
And saying you wont consensually have sex with someone else is a totally fucked up thing to say.
Sorry if this is rambling and I’m not conveying what I feel that well, this is just….weird.
Jenna Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 1:37 pm
I always appreciate when my husband makes the effort to let me know that he appreciates me, where that’s in what i do or what I look like. I think most couples want that, right?
I’m not sure what’s wrong with the consensual comment. Would it be better if I wrote that I would act sexually without consent? (No, the answer is no. I’ve come to believe that the only wrong way to act sexually is to do it without consent.)
Morgan Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 5:03 pm
No, that wouldn’t have been better.
But you’re sort of implying that being touched sexually when you don’t want to be is you acting sexually. It isn’t. It’s a violent act being done to you.
So it would have been best to just leave that word out. The only way you can act sexually with another person is with your consent. Otherwise you are being assaulted.
Jenna Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 7:56 pm
I was trying to get at the comments about how people were implying that I wanted men to catcall me on the street or something (I don’t want to be leered at, I want to be in some sort of situation where someone can find me both intellectually stimulating and sexually desirable) but it sounds like that is not how it was coming across! I like having this space to refine my writing in this way.
Natalie Willow Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 10:26 pm
How do you assess that someone is communicating to you that they find you intellectually stimulating and sexually desirable?
Jenna Reply:
September 19th, 2014 at 9:22 am
The same way I did when I was dating.
Mallory Reply:
September 20th, 2014 at 5:27 am
Again, and I hate belabouring a point but here I go:), stating that you WANT to be in a situation where you are found intellectually stimulating and sexually desirable as someone who is married is quite odd. Being desirable is often a by-product of looking a certain way or acting a certain way (whether you are trying or not). I could go someplace right now and perhaps lots of men would find this 30 something married mom hot and desirable - I can’t control how other people view me and yes, if I knew those other men thought me attractive that would boost my confidence and spirits. But, the difference, where you take it up a notch is stating that you SEEK after those situations. It’s not a by-product or happy accident, you seem to purposefully want to be in situations where you can elicit reactions in the opposite sex (that aren’t your husband) for your own enjoyment and heightened self-worth. It doesn’t just happen, you want to know its happening. Coming from a self-proclaimed happily and traditionally married woman, that doesn’t quite make sense. That reads as someone who is not merely hoping for validation of their attractiveness outside of the marriage, but pursuing it.
Celeste Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 6:02 pm
I get what you’re saying, and while I don’t necessarily agree with it, I understand where you are coming from. The song, however, I find really strange. Am I translating it right: you won’t have sex with someone else unless it’s rape, and your love is sensible and business like? Am I totally off the mark?
Jenna Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 6:40 pm
Oh no. Oh no! Ha ha. That is most certainly not what I wanted to communicate, and I’ve taken the lyrics down because I am certainly no Beyoncé and don’t want anyone to think that’s what I’m trying to say.
I had to go back and read through the comments on the original post. I guess I should have known when reading the post for the first time that many women would take offense to your candor, but I actually found it refreshing. I feel the same way about being desirable to men, and I share your thoughts about how that translates within my marriage. It is, while not surprising, funny/sad/ridiculous to me that so many feel expressing a need to feel desirable is tantamount to violating your marriage. At the risk of sounding catty, it makes me wonder about the strength of marriages that need be so restrictive to feel safe.
I’m still working out all of my thoughts regarding beauty and confidence in myself, separate from the opinions’ of others. I *do* feel beautiful for myself and am happy with the body/beauty choices I have made, for myself. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t also enjoy feeling that I am desirable to others. I don’t think that the two feelings need to have an either/or relationship to one another. We can love ourselves and love that others desire us and/or want to be desired.
Jenna Reply:
September 18th, 2014 at 1:33 pm
I’ve always been rather black and white in my thinking. Your comment helped me see that maybe I’ve carried that over to my thinking on this issue as well. I was feeling like my opinions were either to derive self-confidence from myself, or from others. Maybe after I put down a strong foundation in my own thinking it wouldn’t be so bad to let in others as well.
i love that you are posting more regularly these days! great to have you back!
I don’t want to speak for every commenter from the other post but I don’t think anyone was saying that once you get married you don’t notice other people, or want to be attractive to the opposite sex. And if they were saying that then I don’t agree. Marriage isn’t death, you don’t lose all sexuality once you have a spouse.
I think what people were reacting to was that you actually felt remorse about altering your appearance in a way that you actually WANTED because then the men of the world may not want to have sex with you. And for most of us I think, why care about that? If you were single and looking to connect with men sexually on a consistent basis then I would understand that. But worrying “if I have short hair then that man across the street may not want to f**k me” sounds really really peculiar.
I cut my hair short recently and kind of thought “wow I wonder if people I know will like this or think I look better with long hair”. But I never once got fretful thinking oh shoot, maybe I have blown all my chances for strange men yo want to f**k me…I think it’s that thought process that a lot of us didn’t understand.
Mallory Reply:
September 19th, 2014 at 8:53 am
Yes.
“I think what people were reacting to was that you actually felt remorse about altering your appearance in a way that you actually WANTED because then the men of the world may not want to have sex with you. And for most of us I think, why care about that?”
This is exactly how I took the original post and I couldn’t put it into words until you did just now. This post feels like there is two separate conversations going on and they don’t meet in the middle. We all want to feel attractive. Yes. We don’t become completely immune to the attractiveness of others just because we get married. Yes. But it went to a whole new level when “I wouldn’t be f***able” was one of the reasons brought up to mourn the loss of long hair (?). Coming from a younger, single girl, in that context, the point makes more sense. Coming from an older 20′s married mom of two? Odd.
Jenna Reply:
September 19th, 2014 at 9:23 am
For me, the thing I keep coming back to, is that deep down I’m still the same person I was a decade ago, only a bit more polished by life. I was voted “biggest flirt” in my high school class. I saw a hint of it come out when I went to my high school reunion. The only thing that changed when I got married is I’m not acting on that or pursuing those thoughts and desires anymore. Being married and having kids doesn’t mean I don’t have them though.
Woo, way for standing up for yourself and your relationship! I feel the same way, I want to look good for me and my husband appreciates when I look good (whatever that means). I’m not dressing nicely or doing my hair and make-up for my husband or anyone else; I just feel better about myself when I feel pretty!
BTW, I skipped all the comments. I hope everyone has been playing nice!
PS- thanks for responding to my comment on Facebook about Fitbit, I’m glad you found yours!
If only women could be honest with themselves….just because I am married and totally in love with my husband doesn’t mean I don’t want other people (men and women) to think I look good. It is nice to have validation that my work outs are working or that my new hair cut is attractive. What the hell is wrong with wanting to look good?! Jeez! I think the feminist movement totally screwed up a woman’s right to express herself! It is considered powerful if a woman embraces her sexuality and sleeps with whomever she wants but God forbid if a woman wants to feel desirable and get a few appreciative looks at the grocery store. That doesn’t even make sense!
I only have my own experiences to go on, but both posts that you’ve addressed this topic have made me very sad. My marriage is the most important thing in the world to me - more than my career, more than my parents or family, more than even my own pursuits or dreams. Does this make me a slave to my husband? No. Does it make me blind to the qualities and attributes of other men? No. But I vowed on my wedding day that I would love and honor my husband, and he vowed to do the same for me. Your desire to seek sexual validation (even if it’s coupled with intellectual admiration, as you claim) from strangers is not honoring your spouse. I can only imagine it’s hurting the already fragile relationship you two seem to have.
Work hard to get the body you want. Wear your hair the way you want. Buy the clothes you want to wear because they make you feel good about yourself. But do it for you. Don’t do it for some random guy on the street.
Maybe it’e because this is a public blog that your relationships with your spouse and children come across distance and forced. I don’t have a blog, but I can only imagine how difficult it would be on my family if I were to display such private thoughts and emotions for the ridicule of the world. I recognize that you are just hosting a dialouge, and in many ways that can be very valuable, but perhaps it would be better if certain things remain unpublished. The hearts of your children and husband are so much more valuable than page views.