02 Oct
Cookies for the Neighbors
In our continuing quest to befriend our neighbors we decided to make cookies. The kids got into the Learning Tower and helped me bake three dozen, which took so long that we didn’t deliver them until right around bedtime. We had the phone numbers for most of the neighbors we delivered to and chose to ditch the cookies on the porch so we didn’t have to ring any doorbells (which might cause kids to jump up from storytime to fight for the privilege to opportunity to open the door). [Addendum: I didn't realize it wasn't clear that we used the phone numbers of the neighbors so we could text them and let them know they should check the porch when bedtime was over. I also forgot to mention that each plate had a handwritten note saying that our kids would love to get together with theirs, or that we would be happy to get together one evening for a glass of wine.]
So far it doesn’t seem like we yielded much. One family didn’t acknowledge the cookies at all, one sent us a text, one waved at us from the window. I was hoping it would encourage someone to reach out and ask us to spend time together in some way. I think we’re going to have to throw some sort of neighborhood cocktail party for that to happen.
My sister and I used to fight for the opportunity to lick the paddle after the cookies were made. My mom figured out that she could give one of us the paddle, and one of us the spatula. Personally I think the paddle was the better end of the deal.
Even though our gifts didn’t lead to any friendships (yet) I loved the whole experience. Sharing my love of food and the kitchen with my kids is such a gratifying experience, I hope both of them pick up a love for that in some way.
Also:
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
I used to do this when I was a kid! I also loved leaving flowers on neighbor’s doorsteps on May Day - though most of my neighbors were elderly folks with no kids.
I think it was pretty rude that no one stopped over and said thank you in person- when did you do this? I think it was your mistake though to leave them so late, you probably would’ve been better off keeping them at home and delivering them in the morning — if you didn’t ring the doorbell your neighbors probably didn’t even know the cookies were there, and the cookies were probably sitting outside all night long - or did you text the neighbors after you delivered them?
Plus if you had delivered them in the morning you would have gotten to interact with the neighbors. If you ditch cookies on someone’s stoop it doesn’t exactly seem like you really wanted to chat with them either, so maybe that’s why they didn’t do the same.
1Great idea; next time I think you can hone the execution!
We did the same thing, but didn’t leave anything at anyone’s doorsteps — we just kept going by until they were home and we could deliver them personally and get to know them a bit. I think leaving them is very nice, but you’re right, it doesn’t really do much to create relationships.
We recently went to an apple orchard and my four year old decided he wanted to bring apples to our neighbors. He developed his own little speech, and we took him to each door, where he let the neighbor pick green or red and told them about our trip. It was great on many fronts. There, the interaction was key - a random apple outside of their door wouldn’t have been nearly as good
2^^ I agree! If the goal is interaction with neighbors, then leaving them on the doorstep wasn’t really the way to go. But Halloween is coming up! Certainly time for lots of social engagement then! Maybe throw a little Halloween party?
Cookies, sound great right now, though. Wish you were my neighbor
3Does your neighborhood have a parent’s group or a neighborhood association? That’s how I made “mom” friends in our neighborhood. The friendships that have been the longest lasting since my son was a baby, however, came from the classmates in his MDO. We would do Mom’s Night Out as a group, get together for playdates (not just during the day! early evenings/weekend afternoons), family dinners. Do T1′s room parents organize things like that?
4I would personally be ALL OVER cookies… what kind were they? (just curious, your post made me hungry!)
I think it would be a great idea to have a theme party, or a Halloween party, and extend the invitation through the neighborhood! It would be so great for adults and kids alike to take part, and ’tis the season! Even extend the invite to the kids at T1′s school. Do you know anyone at TH’s new workplace, or their families/kids? It would be a GREAT opportunity to reach out to all the groups around you.
5This is certainly a “do as I say, not as I do” comment as I’m shy and likely would have left cookies like you did, but… It seems to me that the easier way to do something with your neighbors would be to call and ask if they’d like to get together rather than leave cookies or sit in the front yard and hope they ask you.
6I would be all over cookies. It’s too bad (and kind of rude) that they didn’t contact you. Your pictures of your sweet children baking were totally ADORABLE.
My neighborhood uses the Nextdoor App to communicate between all of the neighbors, and that has been SO helpful. If your neighborhood had that, you could send out a general message introducing yourself. Love the Nextdoor App!
I think that telling your neighbors about your blog, too, is a great idea. Heck, you could even offer a special neighborhood discount for your photography services, so it could be a professional win/win too!
Erika Reply:
October 2nd, 2014 at 1:03 pm
I think telling them about her blog is a terrible idea…considering this post directly complains about them.
Stacey Reply:
October 2nd, 2014 at 1:08 pm
All I’m seeing is “So far it doesn’t seem like we yielded much. One family didn’t acknowledge the cookies at all, one sent us a text, one waved at us from the window. I was hoping it would encourage someone to reach out and ask us to spend time together in some way. I think we’re going to have to throw some sort of neighborhood cocktail party for that to happen” and, “Even though our gifts didn’t lead to any friendships (yet) I loved the whole experience. Sharing my love of food and the kitchen is such a gratifying experience, I hope both of them pick up a love for that in some way.” I don’t read complaint in either of those comments. They both sound actually quite optimistic.
I definitely sympathize with your loneliness and desperation to develop meaningful friendships with your neighbors. Finding and fostering that kind of connection is tough as an adult with responsibilities that limit your availablity. But I also want to (gently) suggest that you give it time. I have found a small group of true-blue adult friends post-motherhood and although I now have people I can rely on in every sense of the word, those friendships took time and dedication. It wasn’t as though we met at the park and became insta-BFFS; we began as acquaintances and worked our way from there. I believe that to be a true friend - such as the kind you’re seeking - earns that friendship and vice versa. I don’t want to pour all my thoughts and feelings onto an acquaintance. That kind of intimacy is reserved for those who have proven their trustworthiness and who I know will always respond truthfully, not just offer up a “you go girl!” because they view me as a means of socialization. If you want to have those kinds of meaningful relationships you need to modify your approach. Cookies are nice, but I’m far more apt to make a play date with a new friend who takes the time to initiate a conversation rather than drop off goodies and a note in hopes that I’ll feel obligated to respond. True friendship isn’t a game of “I did this for you so now you should do this for me.” It’s a bond where both individuals want to give to the other person because they genuinely respect them and enjoy their company. You’ve got to put in a lot more real human-to-human effort if you’re going to find what you seek.
I think some good strong friendships based on trust and mutual respect would go a long way because you seem terribly unhappy and it worries me that there’s no one stepping up to the plate to give you honest feedback or simply say, “your life doesn’t have to be so miserable.” And I just don’t think you’re going to find that from Instagram meet-ups (which honestly frightens me a little and makes the stranger-danger alarm go off, especially when you have two little ones in tow). Real friends don’t need a bunch of photographs to prove that they’re your friend and anyone who is attracted to that scenario is a little suspect, sorry. The only people I know who would jump at the chance to chase pretty light and reach out to a stranger for free photos are too self-involved to reciprocate the kind of friendship I want. I’ve been in those surface level friendships in the past and would genuinely recoil if, when hanging out for the first time, a potential new friend just wanted to snap a selfie and post it to instagram. I don’t mean that condescendingly but I think that part of your approach (plus your extensive internet presence) may be off-putting for other women who likely grew out of that phase in their early twenties. And I say this knowing I’m most likely projecting since I would never feel comfortable sharing so much of my life so openly with a (mostly) faceless online community. Like I said, people earn their right to know me and the intricacies of my life. A stronger presence in the offline world may help you in more ways than you realize.
I truly wish you the best and hope you find your way back to genuine, self-realized happiness. Good luck!
Meg Reply:
October 2nd, 2014 at 1:19 pm
Also I just want to add that hosting a neighborhood get-together is a GREAT idea since you’ll be able to actively engage in conversation to get the ball rolling. Maybe you can use the cookies as a segway to arrange that kind of event and even spin it as a way for everyone to get to know each other better. From what you’ve previously posted, it sounds like a lot of your neighbors are hermit crabs so they may be having trouble getting to know one another as well. Then everyone will appreciate you even more for bringing the community together as a whole.
We hosted a block party for our neighbors recently and it yileded great community for our street. I wrote a letter and put it in each mailbox on our street and included a qr link to a fb group for additional planning. We had everyone bring a side dish a to share and enough meat for their family. My husband grilled everyone’s meat. It was wondeful!!
Kara Reply:
October 3rd, 2014 at 6:57 am
Just an FYI - it’s against federal law to put things in mailboxes except postage paid mail.
http://about.usps.com/news/state-releases/tx/2010/tx_2010_0909.htm
Megan Reply:
October 3rd, 2014 at 3:36 pm
Oh for heaven’s sake.
Andrea Reply:
October 8th, 2014 at 5:38 am
Haha, right? I’m wondering if I should be worried, I’ve been breaking “federal law” for years!!!
A lot of people don’t eat cookies made by strange kids (germs snot etc. ). Also sometimes people just don’t want to be chummy with neighbors. I know we’ve lived in the same neighborhood for 16 plus years and if a storm hits and we need something people are willing to jump in and help people out but for the most part I think people just want to wave and be done. I know when I get home from work and still have to do all my mom work, I honestly have no desire or energy to socialize on my “home” time. This of course is just my perspective. I know many people who live in neighborhoods where people are always hanging out and having book clubs and BBQ ‘s. maybe you’ll set a trend in your neighborhood but maybe they are set in their ways.
Elle Reply:
October 4th, 2014 at 8:48 am
I second this. Maybe it is just due to me being introverted, but I have a full-time job and other responsibilities - hanging out with my neighbors is not how I want to spend my free time. Then again, I’m not a lonely person.
This is such a sweet idea, I hope your neighbours like it.
Another thing i would suggest ( i haven’t been reading your blog so I am sorry if this is already something you have tried) is to sign up your kids for activities with high parent involvement. Mother daughter yoga - or something similar.. that way you’ll bond with other parents and your kids will meet new friends.
We do live in a lonely world. Its a shame.
11Your kiddos are so cute!
I do wonder if you’re trying to fill a need (adult interaction, mental stimulation) in the best way here though. I understand you enjoy the flexibility of working for yourself, but you might try being open to working outside the home a couple of days/week. I can tell you that working part-time is the absolute best thing for me. I am challenged in new ways, energized by my work friendships (we often have a glass of wine together after the work day
and love the “adult” time.
I am kind of with the above respondents re: neighbor socializing. I’m happy to have our kiddos play together, but after work and taking care of my own kids I tend to just want to hunker down in the evenings. So, you may consider directing your energy into some new professional opportunities to see what that yields!
12Are there any coworking spots near you? It seems you work from home but you don’t actually need to since the kids aren’t there. Renting space at a coworking place might provide you the social/adult interactions you’re looking for, keep you surrounded by like-minded freelancers, and still give you independence to work for yourself.
Another option is to set-up a routine to go to a coffee shop once or twice a week. Go at the same time and day. You will definitely find other freelancers there, likely the same ones each week. And can strike up a conversation.
13Hi Jenna,
14The presentation of your blog with my translation of “Cookies for the Neighbors” was the most popular post on my blog for the month of October. I think this is also due to the beautiful pictures you allowed me to use. Thanks.
Véronique