Day 4 of NaBloPoMo2014: Married to Amazement
I’ve recently been using the word “mourn” in a much more expansive way. Previously I thought of it only in reference to the death of a person or thing, but now I also speak of mourning a dream or concept that I need to let go of.
Allowing myself to mourn choices I’ve made or opportunities I’ve lost or relationships that have crumbled provides the closure I need to move on. And often that moving on doesn’t mean leaving behind something completely, rather it’s about adjusting my expectations and approach to fit the reality of the situation. I spend too much time focusing on limitations.
I have a relationship in my life that isn’t what I would like it to be, but a lot of discussions with my therapist have helped me see that I might never get what I want from this person. Just as I can never give this person what they are looking for without sacrificing myself. In this situation I need to Let It Go. Not let go of the relationship, but let go of the dream I had about what this relationship could be. I’m working to acknowledge what this individual can give and do for me, and find the line between sacrifice and self-care that will allow me to provide what they are looking for.
The mourning period is murky and grey, but thankfully it’s also quite short. Once the haze clears and a new picture emerges I find that it looks almost as appealing as what I had before (in a very different way).
Also:
I absolutely can identify with this and I’m so glad that you’re finding this sort of thing in your life - no matter the murky grey-ness of it all. I had a situation over two years ago (maybe even three at this point) where I had to let of go of relationship with someone that was on metaphorical life support at best.
I still mourn the relationship and have wondered (with what I admit is unrealistically optimistic hope) if there could be a reinvention of the relationship so that the good-bye that was said doesn’t have to be forever. Still, the more time passes, the more I realize the truth in the fact that there is much more peace and joy and freedom without it than there ever was with it for all of those years when I did have it in my life.
I don’t know if wonderful is quite the right word, Jenna, but I do think it’s at least partially appropriate for you to be going through such an upheaval as this in your life. I think it’s even more special that you choose to share about it so openly. Hopefully (and not unrealistically in this case) your growth and the way you are sharing of it will help aid in someone else’s as much. And even if you don’t receive the thanks for what you’re seeking to do - however not clear or confident you are about doing it at any given time, know that what you are doing is appreciated even if/when people don’t say the right things to express their gratitude.
Jenna Reply:
November 4th, 2014 at 7:58 am
This comment is really kind, and the last paragraph meant a lot to me . I want to write more, but right now I”m typing while I get sippy cups filled with milk and get dressed for the gym and try to get the kids out the door. I didn’t want to forget to express my appreciation though (that happens all too often with blog comments).
I’m going through a period of mourning myself. For what my life, my personality, and my family would’ve been had we stayed in the LDS church. We left in June, but have only just “come out” to everyone about our decision, and it’s bringing up all sorts of questions. A lot of which I don’t have answers to yet. But like you and this relationship - I know that we will come out of the other side improved, happier and more self-assured. It’s always difficult to make these choices, whatever they may be - big or small, relationships, careers, family, religion (or lack of) - and to embrace change, particularly when it can be painful. But I like to hold to the old cliche that when one door is closed, another is inevitably opened somewhere! Best of luck.
My best girlfriend is going through this with her husband, too. I will share this post with her and maybe it will help- I hope they can make it, but after a certain point, if you really can’t give your spouse what they need in a marriage without sacrificing your own well-being, it might be healthiest for both to let go of the relationship. It’s just so hard because they have 3 young children. The kids are so young that they won’t really remember this period- would it be better for them to start growing up in a home with a marriage on tense, shaky ground, or without the tension, but with single parents? It is just such a hard situation and it’s so hard to know what to say to support her right now.
Yes, I identify with the sad experience of realizing my vision of a friendship/ family relationship doesn’t match the reality. And from there, we have to add up what is important - whether you really need the relationship or whether it’s better to move on; and if you need the relationship, what you should contribute to the relationship, and what you are entitled to expect.
However, I’m concerned that by writing a blog like this, you could be causing permanent damage to your long term relationships. You don’t say who you are talking about - perhaps you thought this would give some dignity and privacy to the person you are talking about. But it actually means that your parents, your husband, your sister and even your children later on (because Internet is forever) will be reading this and asking “is this about me?” Already people have commented, assuming the blog is about your husband, which means your marriage is being publicly discussed without him being entitled to any equal say.
That would be a deal-breaker for most relationships that I know, particularly as you mention talking to your therapist about “this person” but you don’t mention talking directly to “this person” to discuss your expectations and responsibilities.
I hope you discuss your blog with your therapist, so you can set some healthy boundaries about when to talk to your loved ones and when to talk about them. I hope you also talk to all your family - your parents, sister and husband - about why you chose to write this blog. Whatever relationship you are talking about, it sounds like it is over and you have nothing to give this person - they might see it clearly too when they read your blog.
Jenna Reply:
November 4th, 2014 at 7:07 pm
It’s probably T2 that I’m talking about. At 20 months I’ve already declared that it’s over between us!
On a more serious note, I think you’re reading too far into things. I can’t control speculation about who I might be discussing, and I think it’s a conversation worth having with a larger audience. Other comments show I’m not alone, and I like the idea that I’m helping other people see the same about their own situation.
I feel like I have A LOT of these relationships in my life! (Which may be a poor reflection on me, now that I state it bluntly … yikes!). That said, having some difficult relationships just makes the good/healthy/fulfilling relationships so much more appreciated.