I am writing this the night before I reunite with my two- and five-year-old children, after 26 days of them in Washington and me in California. A separation that was my choice, after weeks of pleading with my mom to please help me. Please. I can’t do this anymore.
I’m watching videos of them on Notabli, crying because I can see how much they’ve changed in the days we have been separated. I know this time apart will be better for us in the long run, but it’s hard to see my daughter looking and speaking in much more mature ways than when I left. She’s no longer the baby I tucked into my dad’s pickup truck at the beginning of July. She speaks in full sentences now, she rides a trike, she refuses to wear anything other than “pretty dresses.”
I see through my tiny phone screen into my son’s eyes when we FaceTime, and there are the questions “This is fun, but why am I here? Do you still love me?” I can’t change who I have been, but I can affect who I become.
expired Portra 160vc, RZ67 Pro II
Tomorrow I anticipate my five-year-old will run to me, cling to me, immediately seeking the reassurance that I’m really there. All of me, not just my arms and my lips to hug and to kiss, but my eyes, heart, and psyche as well. Based on past experiences my two-year-old may be distant initially, she may be unwilling to let go of the caretakers she has known for the past 26-days and go back to the mother she has loved and endured for 2 years and 6 months. Because life can be kind, she will meld back into me, meld into our life together. That sweet forgiveness that young children afford their very imperfect parents.
It will take time for them to see the change, but it’s real and I believe it can endure. Things will be different now Little Ones. You’ll see.
Also:
I am wishing you and your children and your husband all the best. I hope your expectations of yourself are realistic now, we can only do what we can do, but, we have to do the best we can for them.
You are so brave! My heart goes out to you, because it must be hard to have two young children and no partner involvement + no family in the area. I joined MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and it helped a lot to just sit around the table and talk to other frazzled moms who were in the same boat. A lot of our feelings are more universal than we think. You’re really good at communicating this, and I appreciate your raw, unfiltered honesty.