20 Jan
In Which That Wife Reveals Her Deepest Desire
At the beginning of our marriage I was so naive. Previously, I thought when people asked if/when I wanted to have kids that they were looking for an honest answer. Innocent and smiling I would say “I wish I had one right now.” I’ve since learned that telling the truth often leads to exclamations of shock or negativity from the listener.
“You are so young!”
“You should wait two or three years before you do that.”
“You need to take time for yourself to enjoy your marriage!”
“Having kids, period, is a mistake.” (Seriously, people have said this!)
Frankly, the more I hear responses in this vein, the angrier I become. What right do these people have to tell me what to do with my own cervix? What right do they have to judge my desire to sacrifice my body, time, and money to bring new life into the world and the timeline in which I decide to do so? Should I text you each morning I successfully swallow the pink pill so you can rest assured I will continue to enjoy my marriage for at least one day longer?
Don’t ask me the question if there is only one reply you want to hear. Rather, whisper to your husband about the time That Husand and I are losing to enjoy ourselves, while you sleep in your lonely apartment and judge me behind my back when you hear I am pregnant 6 months into the marriage. Hold onto your views that kids are to be tolerated as an expensive inconvenience several years into the marriage after the mortgage is paid off and careers are further developed. Whatever you do, don’t take one moment to consider that I might have different priorities in my life.
Many of you say this to others and think you are doing them a service. You waited, so they should too! Or maybe you didn’t wait and now your life is ruined and you want to prevent me from making the same mistake. I’m not quite sure what I am supposed to be waiting for at this point. I have the husband (and his best swimmers), the necessary funds, the mental competence, and my body has been telling me how ready it is on a monthly basis for over 10 years now.
So tell me, other than a reason to “enjoy life” for awhile, why should I wait? Some people told me I should wait to get married also. I’m going to go ahead and say that they were wrong.
I’m going to propose something new. Let’s leave the talk of should we/shouldn’t we to the couple. Let’s stop asking if people are “trying”. You tell me that instead of desiring a child I should be exploring other areas of my life, so ask me about them.What do I like to do in my spare time? Where do I work? If I could have dinner with any three people in the world, who would it be?
Unless you want to hear me say “I’d be pregnant last week if it were completely up to me,” just don’t ask.
(In case you didn’t catch it, my deepest desire is to have a baby. Not to have people stop criticizing me for wanting to do so. Though both would be ideal.)
I'm a farm-raised almost-crunchy stroller-pushing picture-taking lifestyle-blog-writing gastronomy-obsessed divine-seeking thrift-store-combing cheese-inhaling pavement-pounding laughter-sprinkling lover of individuality and taking chances.
Just had to say, I totally know how you feel! I just got married in August and and only 22. I couldn’t tell you how many strangers and friends alike told me I was nuts, that I should wait, that I’m screwing up my life, etc. I too feel like if they really knew me they would know that I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do by myself. Stay strong, and I hope you get to have a baby soon!
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1I think for me, personally, as much as I desire children I want to wait a while after I’m married. Ryan has given me a “two years, no baby” clause to marriage. I can see two scenarios playing out after that: “trying” starting our second anniversary, or delaying a while longer. We’d like to get as much saved before children, so that we can provide for as many children as possible without me working.
I can see for you, personally, as much as you desire children you just wish you were pregnant already.
So, the key word there is “personally”. I think a child is something to be celebrated, enjoyed, and congratulated upon. If you’re ready, then when we get the news I will be nothing but excited for you. Also, love the sarcasm in this post Jenna!
Imagine the responses I’ve gotten when I’ve innocently and naively said “I’d love to have children young, so that we can then foster disabled children”. I’ve been told that I don’t have the ambition (by my own father!), among other things.
Excellent post. I may just print this out for my mother-in-law in a few years.
She’s one of the “You’ must follow ‘the plan’!” (i.e. college forever, marry late, children later) types.
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2Of the people you feel are criticizing you, sure, there will always be a few disgruntled ones who get much satisfaction from you not achieving your heart’s desire (and to them, I say, POO ON YOU). But I think that for the most part, people say what they say because they love you. People naturally love to give advice, ESPECIALLY unsolicited advice. But it doesn’t mean you have to care a whit. You just keep doing what you do best which is being you (which you do so fabulously, by the way); it’s no one’s life but yours and you should conduct it the way you see fit (provided That Husband is ok with it, of course).
As for why you should wait, I can’t answer that for you. I can tell you what goes through my mind, though. Being newly married myself but at the not-so-tender age of 31, I don’t get the baby question - I get the not so subtle baby hints. But I just smile serenely and keep ‘em guessing. Though a baby now would be a blessing of course, I admit a part of me would like to own our own house first. Mainly so I do up the baby room with paint and pictures and custom furniture without worrying about having to redo it all once we move. But I trust that it will happen at the time it should happen. Besides, looking forward to it is half the fun.
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3Great post…I know it all too well. Clay used to joke with me that I got married ONLY so I could have a baby and for no other reason. You do what you want. We waited but I would have been completely happy with a honeymoon baby. I waited 3 and a half years before getting pregnant but that was because my husband was not ready….not because I wasnt and not because we were being ridiculed by many many people! Good lukc and I cant wait to hear when….:)
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4I think you should live life to the fullest in the way you and your hubby deem is right for you both!
You are going to be great parents no matter how long you do or don’t wait!
=o) It will be a blessing!
I am definitely going to be stoked when you blog about parenthood! I just love children! (hello- pediatric nurse here!)
(**Just a side note… It’s inauguration day! Yay!**)
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5I got married at 20 years old to a 20 years old man. We got told we were young and all that. We are going to wait several years to have children. But, what you decide is you twos decision and yours only! It’ll be awesome to read about you having a baby or two or more. Go with your heart on this one! You have the yearning, and it will be a blessing to you!
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6I feel exactly the same way about having children. I mean, my career is important to me as well, but long before I knew what career I wanted, I’ve known I wanted many children.
And of course, the only ones who know when it’s the right time to have kids are you and That Husband.
I say ptooey to the naysayers.
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7Can I please get daily emails assuring me that you are still taking the pill? I really think you should wait and enjoy your marriage a little more……
ugh.
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8I completely understand how you feel, Jenna. Ever since we got married, people keep asking us when we are planning on having children. Because we have no intention to tell anyone when we start trying and will only share the news once we are expecting, we try to fob this question off with vague comments like, “we haven’t decided yet,” or “we need to get over the wedding/ focus on buying our own home first.” To this people often respond, “there’s no hurry/ you’re still young/ take the time to enjoy your marriage first.” It does wind me up! Firstly we’ve been together a long time, secondly it’s none of their business how young I am! When we want to get pregnant, we will, and everyone should keep their opinions to themselves and stop asking all the time!
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9People will never stop giving you their opinion. Once you get pregnant and have kids they will tell you how you should do things too…
But as said above it’s a very, very personal decision. You will be the one raising children with TH; no one else will. Therefore they have no right to tell you when to.
My personal choice is to wait a bit. We always said two years, but it will be two years this summer. However we have a trip to France planned to visit my family, we want to buy a house and right now I’m about to loose my job and therefore it is not a good time for me.
I’ve heard some people mention too that you should wait some time with your spouse because there are so many people who don’t wait and once the kids are out of the house the marriage crumbles. Well sure that can happen, but I also believe that if you make the choice to take time with your spouse as a spouse and not only as a parent that won’t necessarily happens. Not to mention that in your case, your Faith makes family such an important things that I doubt you would let something happen.
There are plenty of good reasons to have children early in life just as there are to have them later. It’s always something to discuss with your spouse, and also to make sure there are no important projects you want to realize first that might be harder to do once children are here. But no one else can tell you when is the right time.
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10The reasons people feel the need to give advice are split about 50/50. Half the time, people just think it’s their business. The other half, they are doing it out of love. They want you to know all the options (as if you can’t think of them yourself) before you make a hefty life decision. But I bet a lot of those people will still be thrilled when you announce a pregnancy. My friend Mike got married last year and HE had been dying to start a family. People told him to hold out but she was basically pregnant by the end of the honeymoon…and now, they have the most beautiful twin girls I have ever seen.
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11I think its scary to put a timeline on children - saying that “we’ll start trying in two years” is risky. Who knows where you’ll be in two years or if you will be any readier emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I’ve had friends say to be “he said that we’ll be engaged by the end of the year, so we better be!” To me, its the same thing - now you are bound by a timeline, and if he/you are proceeding just because of a perceived temporal obligation, then I don’t know that you are doing this with an open heart or with a prayerful heart. My unsolicited advice to previous posters is to plan to have children when you are ready - not based on a countdown.
Jenna, my question is on LDS and birth control. I did some googling and I’m finding conflicting viewpoints. As a Catholic woman, I’ve wrestled with this before. Our vows include something to the tune of accepting children as a gift from God - which I am not doing by taking birth control. Can you shed some conclusive light on LDS’ position?
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12I always find it sad that people are so quick to offer advice to total strangers about ciritcal points in your life.
Tell me that you liked one shampoo over the other I’ll consider what you’re saying. But tell me when you think I should be say buying a house, getting married, or having children and I shall completely blow you off.
For some reason women are viewed as walking soundboards, free to be critisized and picked apart on the street by total strangers. I’ve had it happen to me for random things. I still remember one time I who worked at a vet clinic was walking my parents dog around the lake and two busy bodies walked up and kept asking why he was panting so hard (he’s a dog they don’t have sweat glands) and if I had ever let him get a drink.
Why don’t men ever get that? Why is it only women who must be constantly fitted into a certain slot and if someone doesn’t agree they’ll come over and nit pick you til you’re back in place. (and wait til you’re pregnant, I’ve heard some just awful stuff of people making assumption after assumption about a pregnant womans body.)
I wish we could just leave each other alone. It’s not our job to police each other with Miss Manners in one hand and Dr. Phil in the other. Just Live and Let Live.
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13Oh how I feel your pain.
Mr. S and I have been married for 2 and a half years and people still say to me “You should have waited. You will regret his later.” I always want to say something smart aleck like, ‘well what do you suggest I do about it now?” I mean honestly!
And my favorite pregnant question thus far, and by favorite I mean most hated…” Oh wow, twins! Did you conceive them naturally or with ivf?” How is that anyone’s business?
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14I have to agree that it is no one else’s business. I can relate even though I’m a little older than you (27). Even at my age, people think it’s too soon. My MIL has even told us that she’s told people at her work that we are NOT having kids any time soon because she isn’t ready to be a grandma. It’s frustrating because it has nothing to do with her.
We ARE waiting another year, but because we’d like to pay off a little more of my husband’s student loans and save up some more money to make it that much easier financially to handle (i.e. paying for maternity leave, buying fun baby things).
That said, I think at every stage in life, people will have their opinions. Before I got married, a very close friend of mine told me that I should wait because she got married at 25 and she is jealous of her friends that are now getting married in their early 30s. Again, that is her life and not mine.
And finally, my favorite opinion came from my GYN as she was giving me my annual exam - telling me I was so young and I should wait. Talk about feeling violated!! It’s silly when people don’t know your situation. My husband and I had been together for almost 9 years when we got married. You want us to wait even longer?!?
Anyway, I fully support anyone who is living their life the way they want to. If having kids now is what you want, more power to you.
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15I am 20 Years old, I have a husband a baby and a career. I graduated from college early and I was ready to have a family. And at this point in my life I feel like I have to most wonderful life any one could ask for. To watch my husband with my son fills my heart, and with every little bump we overcome with our son we grow closer we share moments together that you can only experience when you raising a child. Your the only one who will know that your ready but don’t let people make you think that having a child will hinder your marriage if anything it will offer you an amazing adventure gushing with love. I think sometimes people forget what it was like to be young and love!
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16Great post.
For the last couple of years, we’ve been saying we’d start trying around our anniversary and both times, we’ve decided not to due to various circumstances with school/work/career/etc. I’m glad that we haven’t gotten harassed much about it, but I do wish people would stop telling me how smart it is to wait a while - I wouldn’t be a dumb person if I’d gotten pregnant right after we got married.
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17love the post. i can id at least one person who said the last thing to you (or would if given the chance)! lol it is absolutely fascinating how just about everyone has an opinion about when/whether you should have kids. i always wonder, “gee, if you think well enough of me to be my friend, then shouldn’t you trust me to decide how to run my own life?”
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18I know exactly how you feel. I get the oh-so-over-used: “When are you going to start a family?”. (Said more as an accusation than actual curiosity). Is that just the automatic question once engaged. I was kinda hoping people would want to know more about our story and all that goes with it. But NOOOOO!! People are jumping three feet out in front of me, making awkward statements. I would love a family. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I know deeply that’s what I want. To avoid all looks and Spanish Inquisition, I have resolved to I smile politely back at them and simply say, “We’re just happy to be us for now and when it happens we’ll be excited with that too.” It’s amazing how affective that is.
I have discovered, within almost a year of marriage, that I can sort of understand where they’re coming from. It’s definitely easier to travel (definitely figured that out during our Germany trip, while I watched my siblings fight with their children), to get things done around the house, and to just get alone time with my husband. However, I feel that I can’t prepare myself mentally (maybe more so physically) than I am now. When it happens, and I’m trying to leave that up to a higher power, it will happen. They should too!
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19Another amen to your post!
In the church, as I’m sure you know, the decision on WHEN to have kids, HOW MANY, and how CLOSE together is a decision to be left to the husband-wife-&-God. Only you as a couple and God know what timeline is correct and it won’t be exactly the same as anyone else.
Just my 2 cents from someone like me that had my first at 23/24, I love the freedom I have now to not feel rushed to have more quickly or to ‘hurry up’ and have kids because I want a few and I waited to start until I was 35. I got my education, even worked at year and half, then had our wonderful son. I know that opportunities for further education and work will always be there - - but I won’t ALWAYS be able to bear and spend time with my young children - this is a unique time in the span of my life. So, good luck to you as you figure out YOUR plan!
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20I typically don’t comment but I do read and enjoy your posts dearly.
On this topic, I do think that certain people should wait to have children. However, I don’t dispense unsolicited advice. These people are my friends and my family, who I know and love dearly and feel like I have the right dispense my advice if they come to me always with their troubles. I speak my opinion but will support them in their decisions, whatever it may be. If and when they have children, I will spoil that child rotten. However, it doesn’t take away the fact that I think they should wait a little more to ensure they can better provide for the child.
Certainly, do what’s best for you and only you know what is best for your child. Take what people have to say with a grain of salt.
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21I totally respect your opinion and understand why you feel the way you do. On the flip side - I don’t want children. If I hear someone tell me “you’ll change your mind” one more time I might slap them in the face.
It’s okay to want children and it’s okay to not want them. It’s not okay for people to give their rude remarks about your reproductive decisions every chance they get.
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22I’ve found it interesting that, when people ask us (me) if/when we’re going to have kids, they’re really saying, “I want to tell you my opinion on having kids.”
I have a feeling that it’s either trying to talk about something other than the upcoming wedding (srsly. Can’t they wait to ask until afterward?) or looking forward to some other sort of excitement, since we have a small family. Or it’s a snide way to ask about how we’ll have kids (since my bum kidney makes the method of reproduction uncertain. Adopt? Surrogate? Other?)
I’ve found it personally best to be non-committal in response: “If we have them, we’ll have them, and if we don’t, we won’t.” And then I change the topic.
But on the whole, people are ready for the babies when they’re ready!
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23So funny. I’ve actually been surprised by how rarely I’ve had to deal with this. We’re Catholic (thus not using contraception**) and so I guess that most of our friends and family just assumes that babies will show up soon enough and they don’t need to worry about it. I’m sure we’ll start getting more questions soon since we’ve been married several months, but that will be something to laugh at since I’ll just have to hold back all my snarky answers!
**Technically the Catholic Church isn’t opposed to Birth Control. It’s just opposed to anything which removes the procreative aspect from sex. Since most methods of BC do that, people think that Catholics are supposed to make as many babies as possible. Confusing, but sort of like the “LDS does not equal polygamist!” thing. People never seem to know it.
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24Not that you asked, but here’s why we’re waiting: because I have a deep, hidden desire to be a stay-at-home mom out in the country, and we’re both grad students in the city at the moment. I’ve learned the hard way not to mention my SAHM desire, because people get so upset: “but you’re smart! You have such potential!” So I lie and tell them we’re waiting until we finish school. Kind of true. But not really the point.
Shouldn’t smart women with high potential be encouraged to raise the next generation of humans? And why is it a crime that I already want to stay home with my not-yet-born children? I’m fairly sure I’ll like them. What’s wrong with that?
Oh, and we’ve been married 2 years, so I’m getting, at the same time, the “what’s taking so long” questions along with the “you should wait longer” comments. I wish women would just be easier on each other.
I support you in your wish for motherhood, and I’m a tad jealous that you’re already at home (though you’re a student and I know well how much work that takes). Know that your loyal readership will be thrilled when you get pregnant, and that people who think they know better than YOU how to live your life need to get one of their own. (A life, that is. Not a baby. Though maybe that’s what they need).
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25I didn’t go through the above comments, so [at least some of] this is likely a repeat of what others have already said.
I hate, hate, hate the “baby” questions. With the possible exception of those people a couple is closest to, it is so unbelievably intrusive to ask someone about their plans, especially when the asker responds to the answer with unsolicited “advice”.
I am on the other end of the spectrum, and a newlywed over 30 is often
not-so-kindlyreminded that the amount of time they have left to start a family is dwindling.Then there are the many couples who experience difficulties in getting pregnant. They don’t usually feel comfortable explaining to mere acquaintances that they have been “trying” but have not had success; that they have gotten their hopes up month after month, only to be disappointed again and again…and then to hear that they are “putting to much pressure on themselves” and they should “quit trying” in order to have success. And people tell themselves that these comments are helpful.
I second (third? fourth?) your motion to leave these conversations to the couple.
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26I kiiiind of think you should just not take those comments so personally. The people that say you should wait would probably say that to any newly married couple who gave them the same answer you gave. They’re just voicing their opinion. Their “this is what I would do,” if you will.
And honestly, as far as growing your family is concerned, I’d try to get over the fact that people are judging you/your timeline. The simple reality is that there are a lot of people who think you shouldn’t be taking your little pink pills at all - that you should just be letting nature take it’s course, or whatever.
You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t…just live your life for you, have babies when you want, and ignore the comments.
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27God - people always feel that they can open their mouths when it comes to any personal don’t they? I bet you got tons of flack from people getting married young too? People always have an opinion about personal things.
I’ve been with my husband for almost seven years and we just got married in October (the day after you and That Husband!). Everyone said to us (and we’re 25) “You’re so young! Why are you getting married?! Why don’t you sow more wild oats?!” RAGE, RAGE, RAGE.
And we don’t want to have kids for like five years - more so of a financial reason of saving as much as we can before having kids. Again, our personal decision. And I can’t even tell you how many people have given their “advice” on it.
It blows my mind that people think they can ask these questions - I agree with rksquared. Questions about reproducing in general are totally obtrusive and rude - what if people are trying, having fertility issues, have lost a child or miscarried? It’s frankly NOBODY’S business. I’m with you - I wish people would just butt out!!
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28When we got engaged, my MIL shot me a dirty glare at the dinner table and announced that she “didn’t plan on being a grandma for at least nine years.” Which would make me thirty-four. There are so many nay-sayers for everything nowadays. Having worked as a preschool teacher, as a live-in nanny, and for a baby supply company, I have talked to so many mothers of all different ages and incomes.
Consensus? The older ones all wish they had had them young, when they had more energy. The younger ones don’t regret anything. You are NEVER ready to become a parent, even if you own your house, have a multi-billion dollar company, and a set of four nannies working for you ’round the clock. Becoming a parent requires many and major life adjustments, regardless of whether you are 40 or 20.
Mr. Shortcake and I are going to have a baby as soon as we have everything ready. And by ready I mean a healthy receptacle (me), insurance to cover any and everything, wills drawn up, steady jobs, and a good support network. We don’t need to own our house. We don’t need to have multiple cars. And we don’t need the voice of others telling us when we’re ready. If we think we’re as ready as we want to be, if YOU think you are as ready as you want to be, than we - and you - are.
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29It sounds like most of us hate the baby questions. I hope that we will all stop using that topic “to fill the silence” and focus on other things when we talk to people. I hope I remember how I feel right now when it is several years down the road so I don’t turn around and do the same to other newlyweds.
Kaitlyn-I try to keep the sarcasm at bay most of the time, but when I get really worked up about something it tend to surface.
amanda-So hard! We’re hoping that TH’s company pays for business school for us so we don’t have to go into debt for it!
Cristin-I sure can! An email is on its way.
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30This might not be what you want to hear… but what about taking time to really “get to know” your husband? I’ve been living with my fiance for almost two years now, dating for 2 years before that, and am STILL learning new things about him everyday. Not just things like how he likes his steak, but important traits and quirks that are helping us build a firm, indelible relationship.
I guess what people might fear is someone getting baby fever (been there!) and then regretting later on that they didn’t wait, because they didn’t get to do all the things that they would have liked to do (and now are maybe difficult or impossible to do so now that they have a baby.
So… suggestions? Travel. Take a trip with or without your husband. Graduate. Find a job that interests you, and work just because you enjoy continuing to learn new things. Pick up a new hobby or sport. Take a music class. Enjoy being the young person that you are (only 22!!) and enjoy the transition from being a teenager to being a young adult and becoming a wife. My guess is that as soon as you pick up something new, baby fever will fade for while.
As far as careers, finances, etc- I realize that there may never been a “perfect” time to have a baby, but there are better times than others. In this current economic climate, it may be smarter to build a firm safety net (8 months worth of salary) to fall back on during a rainy day, and then focus on building a family. It’s not like you’re going to suddenly become unable to have babies in a year or two.
But… if you think you’re ready, then congratulations. Take the plunge.
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31I can completely sympathize…. from the OPPOSITE end of the scale. I have absolutely zero intentions of having children before I am 30. If it happens earlier than that, while I know I will love my children regardless of when I have them, it will absolutely, indeed, have been a mistake. My husband is moving away in June, and I work 80 hours/week in lab. I absolutely, positively, DO NOT want to basically be a single mother working twice as much as most people do at a single job. After we’ve been living apart for several years, I want to re-establish a normal marriage, and not rush into children.
My mother was 33 when I was born, my husband’s mother was 34. Both are so, so glad they had children later in life, and of course, this has shaped our thoughts and our plans. I think if people come from truly happy parents, they are interested in following a similar path.
However, people constantly ask when I’m going to have children, and when I say not for another 5 years or so… they all push incessantly for me to have children far sooner. Why? It’s not their business. Do they realize what an absolutely depressed, miserable individual I would be if I had to raise a child on my own while trying to get a Ph.D. as my husband is living 3 hours away working through his residency?
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32It’s annoying to be told every month by your body. I loved that line. I laughed out loud.
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33I agree with Shay, love the line about “being told every month”. At least the pressure of “Why aren’t you pregnant with your next child?” isn’t there. I love having my little boy, but I want to enjoy him for a while.
As much as the pressure to/not to have a baby might be there, there’s no one to make the decision but you and TH. So who cares what anybody elses opinion is. Although, I agree the unsolicited advice is annoying as all get out.
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34I completely understand your feelings - from the opposite end of the spectrum. In 2007 I went to a new gynaecologist - male, middle Eastern, fifty-something. Practically the first words out of his mouth were “When are you going to get pregnant?”.
Assuming he only *meant* to ask if I was planning on trying to get pregnant in the future, I told him that I wasn’t married or even engaged yet, and when I did marry I wanted to wait a while before having a baby. His reply? That I should hurry up and get married, because “you want to have your children young”.
Do I? First I’d heard of it. Needless to say, I never went back to him. Nobody has the right to tell me to hurry up and have children. I may not even want any AT ALL, and if I do, I want to be good and ready, and I’ll do it in my own sweet time, thank you very much.
So as long as you’re good and ready and prepared, no one has the right to tell you NOT to go ahead, then. They might think it. But they can keep quiet.
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35Alissa-This is the argument I hear most. I don’t understand how having children will somehow keep the two of us from getting to know each other. I guess I just haven’t seen an example in my own life of how having a child drove parents apart. Sure, it can be hard. But I’m okay with doing hard things. I don’t want to avoid having children because it’s “easier” on me. I don’t think a happy and fulfilling life comes about after someone cuts as many corners as possible to take the easy route.
I don’t want you to feel like I am attacking “YOU, it’s the idea that women stop progressing as individuals once they have children that I want to attack. If I wanted to “achieve” as much as possible, in terms of travel, schooling, work, etc. I wouldn’t have married ata ll. But I’ve found that adding another person into my life added a whole new dimension. Now, I’m thinking about adding another person to the mix. If getting married make me twice as happy, does having a children mean I will be three times so?
When I look back on my life, I won’t be thinking about graduation, about the trip I took to Egypt, or any of those other things. I’ll look at my posterity, what they have achieved, and the way I have been able to influence the world in a positive way by bringing forth children that can change things one day at a time.
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36“When I look back on my life, I won’t be thinking about graduation, about the trip I took to Egypt, or any of those other things. ”
I’m going to disagree with the not thinking about travelling when you look back. For me at least, the trips I have taken have been extremely formative and I remember them fondly. I wouldn’t be the person today if I hadn’t taken them. Actually, I don’t think I would be getting married in September if I hadn’t gone to Chile a couple years ago.
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37Hm, coming back to this because I was thinking about it in class today (I have a wandering mind). I though the question asking why you should wait was rhetorical, yet I have two good answers.
1. You haven’t graduated yet.
2. More importantly (to me) TH is gone quite a bit. It may be hard to raise children with him gone so much right now. Unless, of course, that’s just the nature of his career and will never change.
At least for myself, the best of reasons could never change my mind. I just thought I would mention them.
Also, I truly loved the sarcasm. It made me “laugh out loud”.
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38People love to give opinions, don’t they? I first noticed this when we were planning our wedding, and now people like to ask out our plans to “start a family”. (We already ARE a family!)
The Mr. and I don’t want kids, and we get all kinds of nosy/negative/annoying comments. Like you I sometimes get sarcastic (“We have decided to wait a year for eveyone who asks us. We’re up to 31 now!”). But after being married for nearly 2 years and dealing with this question a lot, I usually just say that it’s too personal of a question. Not that I mind being honest, but those have or want kids seem to see it as an attack on them or tell me I’ll change my mind.
Whew, long-winded… all of that to say it truly is no one’s business but your own!
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39I have to admit that I’m on the same mental page as you — I’d love to be pregnant right now — the thing is, I know we can’t be, because Mr. W has another 5-7 years of PhD before him and he is concerned about having kids before he is out of school.
I agree with the fact that it is good to start early, but I do have to say I’ve seen people who started too early and did regret it. My landlord during college had a shotgun marriage (firstborn child on their six month anniversary!), and he told me that if he could do it over again they would have taken a few years. I also am friends with a couple who both just turned 21, and went from not-very-close friends to married and pregnant on the wedding night in less than a year. Both were homeschooled (I was myself, not hating), never had jobs that weren’t in the family business, and basically lived in a very safe, sheltered little Christian bubble their whole lives. They now live in the same town with his parents and work for the family company still. I love them and I know they probably won’t regret what happened, but my heart aches a little for them in the trouble that they will have because they honestly DIDN’T have much time to learn them as a couple before adding pregnancy. And then part of me is just insanely jealous and wish that I could be having a baby right away too. /sigh.
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40Well Jenna, I’m somewhat relieved that you are still so baby hungry since I suspect you wrote this post shortly after (or perhaps before?) a visit with our family and active children.
I understand all the frustration- I had Felicity 3 weeks before I turned 25, at which point Mark and I had been married a year and 3 months. I was so excited. Although there have been a few moments when I wished I had waited, I know that as fickle a person as I am, had we not waited, there also would be (far more moments) that I wished we hadn’t. Besides, how could I change one thing about any of my children?
Being a mother has brought a joy into my life I didn’t know existed. I have developed so much in different ways that it shocks me to hear some people think mothers are no longer “progressing” or “learning”. One of the biggest lessons has come in perspective- I feel like I understand a little more about God because He is our Parent and I know what that’s like. So many lessons there.
The only advice I have for mothers who are staying at home is to do something that’s just “for them,” whether that be teaching piano, playing tennis once a week, blogging, whatever. Those moments are helpful when you wipe noses and bottoms day in and day out and think to yourself, “For this I went to college?!?” A child is a blessing, a privilege, but yes, lots of work and every mother deserves breaks enough that she still enjoys motherhood.
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41Great, thought-provoking post, and oh so true. The thing about the timing of having kids (I feel like especially in our culture), is you will always get comments, suggestions, and opinions no matter when you decide to start a family. We’ll have been married 3 1/2 years when our little guy arrives, and we still had countless people tell us to wait longer, while at the same time others seemed to be wondering what we were waiting for. Nobody knows your feelings and situation, and everyone bases their opinion on their own experience and situation. It was really hard for me sometimes when people would tell me they thought we should wait as long as possible when they didn’t know how badly I wanted a baby right then! Anyway, I agree with you on this post that it’s a personal decision between you and your husband, and wish you the best of luck in whatever YOU guys decide!
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42Loved this post. People have started asking me if we’re trying again. Are you serious?!?! Natalie just turned one last week! Man I would love to turn to them when we are trying and say something to stop them in their tracks…
What you and your husband chose to do is your own business. We love Natalie and we wouldn’t have it any other way. I do, however, see people’s point when it comes to waiting. For some adjusting to marriage takes a while- for some it’s not bliss, and it’s better to hold off on the baby train. For us I really wanted to finish school first- and I found out I was pregnant the week I graduated from BYU. You do what works for you.
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43I completely agree Jenna that it’s obviously your choice! I think people do have a hard time restraining themselves. For family and friends, I would imagine it’s because they think their advice will keep you from making mistakes they’ve seen. As for complete strangers….that’s just rude!
If you’re ready, do it! (ha ha)
Have you ever read Stephanie Nielson’s blog (NieNie Diaglogues?) or her sister’s CJane? She is an amazing LDS mom who has a fab blog and is back after suffering from horrible burns from a plane crash? She’s rocking 4 kids and is 27. You could totally do it.
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44When people ask when we’re going to have children, I like to respond, with a smile, “When the time is right”. My right time may be different from your right time but, that is between me, Heavenly Father, and my husband.
I like to believe that I will know and have that feeling when the time is right and I’m sure you will too. I want a baby more than anything in the world but, deep down, for me, I know its not the right time yet. In the meantime, I enjoy my life and prepare myself for the next chapter. I look forward to when it is my time and yours too.
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45My husband and I have never been ones to wait. I got married at 19 and today at age 24 I am expecting our 3rd. Kids are hard, it is true, but if it is something you want then everything is SO MUCH BETTER. I think you are right that it just comes down to priorities.
There is never enough money and to many bills. Does a small child care is you don’t have designer labels or where you live. no.
Shouldn’t you know your husband before you marry him. You can never really know some one. People are married for 20 odd years and then get divorced for some reason or another. If you are going to wait until you “know” your spouse inside and out then you will never have children, besides people change with time it is a never ending process.
And why not have a baby when you are young enough to still chase it around and live without sleep. The chances of have complications like down syndrome etc. is much higher as you get older.
Sorry touchy subject.
I found this on the church website:
Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.
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