Day 7 of NaBloPoMo 2014: Married to Amazement

There are a lot of ways to be brave. Some of them are nearly heroic. Some of them are heroic. My acts are nowhere near that scale, but I’m looking to see the bravery wherever it can be found, no matter if it might be labeled as trivial.

My personal bravery is partially related to authenticity, which isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me well. I thrive in environments where I feel like I’m putting my truth forward and it’s being accepted and validated. Of late I’ve added another dimension to my personal definition of bravery. I’d describe it as a courage found in viewing my weaknesses, accepting them, and making adjustments to overcome them (where possible).

And then. Then I must be strong enough to exercise self-compassion and accept my efforts as enough. That last one is hard for me. I fall short in so many ways, and my rate of change is dreadfully slow. My therapist friend says to me “Be kind to yourself J.” She’s right, there is always more room for kindness.

Day 6 of NaBloPoMo2014: Married to Amazement

If middle names functioned as descriptors mine might be Jenna Overshare Andersen. It’s not that I don’t have a filter, it’s that my definition of oversharing is drastically different than everyone else. Since I would like to operate and thrive within our current society I’m working to figure out the line between authenticity and saying too much. It’s been rather thorny because everyone has different ideas about how much is too much. Which cooks should I be allowing into my mental kitchen?

Daring Greatly has been the best resource I’ve found thus far for defining and addressing oversharing, but it’s not quite enough. I’d be first in line to pre-order a copy if she wrote an entire book on why people overshare and how to stop. For now I’m relying on that same system I’ve cited multiple times before - honest conversations with people I know have my best interests at heart, with the ability to pull me in close and then bring me at arms length to help me see things about myself that are too close for me to suss out without going cross-eyed.

Why don’t I finish this post with an overshare a la Lena Dunham?

I went off hormonal birth control recently* and HELLO to my old friend libido. I think my lifting routine is pumping her up as well. #winning

*using a copper IUD, so no babies here

Mario and Yoshi. BFF Foreverzzz.

Day 5 of NaBloPoMo2014: Married to Amazement

The Happiness Project. Happiness Hypothesis. Happify.

What was I trying to find with these resources? Happiness, as their titles so plainly suggest.

::shocking revelation::

I didn’t find what I was looking for. Probably because the “constant unending flow of happiness” I was seeking doesn’t actually exist. Sometimes I’m happy, but most of the time I’m not. Life is far too complicated for that. Seeking after happy was seriously bumming me out, and so I’ve stopped.

Joy is great delight, and that sort of delight is a rare thing. I can be happy, sad, frustrated, angry, impatient, confused, jealous, morose, relaxed, cheerful, doubtful, blue, and ecstatic all in the same day and call it a good one. For me, seeking joy is about looking for pockets of depth and complexity that uplift me and help me appreciate all that I have.

Like tonight, when T1 told me that he was going to wear his heart pants to bed because he loves me so much and wants to show me. No matter how far I might be from happy in that moment, I can reach out and revel in the joy. Ten minutes later the kids are squabbling and I’m taking deep breaths to calm down, and that’s okay too. I’m seeking joy, not perfection.

Day 4 of NaBloPoMo2014: Married to Amazement

I’ve recently been using the word “mourn” in a much more expansive way. Previously I thought of it only in reference to the death of a person or thing, but now I also speak of mourning a dream or concept that I need to let go of.

Allowing myself to mourn choices I’ve made or opportunities I’ve lost or relationships that have crumbled provides the closure I need to move on. And often that moving on doesn’t mean leaving behind something completely, rather it’s about adjusting my expectations and approach to fit the reality of the situation. I spend too much time focusing on limitations.

I have a relationship in my life that isn’t what I would like it to be, but a lot of discussions with my therapist have helped me see that I might never get what I want from this person. Just as I can never give this person what they are looking for without sacrificing myself. In this situation I need to Let It Go. Not let go of the relationship, but let go of the dream I had about what this relationship could be. I’m working to acknowledge what this individual can give and do for me, and find the line between sacrifice and self-care that will allow me to provide what they are looking for.

The mourning period is murky and grey, but thankfully it’s also quite short. Once the haze clears and a new picture emerges I find that it looks almost as appealing as what I had before (in a very different way).