I feel terrible for admitting it. This is not how a new wife is supposed to feel. But…
I don’t cry when That Husband leaves on business for 3-4 (sometimes 5) days during the week.
Maybe it’s because I resigned myself to this lifestyle when I decided I wanted to marry him. Or maybe (and this, I believe, is the real reason) it’s because I’m independent enough to do okay without him.
When he is gone I can be selfish. I make dinner when I want it, I play loud music when it pleases me (though it doesn’t seem to please our upstairs neighbor), I consume less waste so I don’t have to get up early to take the trash out every MWF, and I can leave the dishes in the sink for days just because I feel like it.
I try my best to be a model stay at home wife whenever he returns. The kitchen is clean, the dishwasher is running, dinner is on the table, the bed is made, the sheets are washed, the house is vaccumed, the dirty clothes hamper is empty, the clean clothes are put away, and this week there will even be pictures hung on the walls that weren’t there before. I kiss him hello and give him my best June Cleaver smile.
I realize that when we have kids this selfishness will be a thing of the past, and it’s likely that our arguments will revolve around how often he is gone and how difficult it is for me to cope with that. But that is then, and this is now.
Except I will say that I feel a little pang of regret when he calls to say he will be home Friday instead of Thurdsay. And that the bed sometimes feels really cold without him next to me (albeit at least an arms length apart). And I miss our hugs, and our kisses, and our nightly scripture study. And I miss feeling like I can take care of him when he scrounges around the kitchen for a snack. And the way he says “hon” and the clothes he leaves on the bedroom floor without fail every single morning when he is home.
So there are no tears, just a little bit of sadness.
January 15th, 2009 on 12:12 am
Exactly how I feel. Except, perhaps, for being a model wife when he comes home. Okay, Mr RS doesn’t go away nearly as often as That Husband (it’s more like one week every six weeks or two months…it varies) but I feel so guilty that I’m a little bit pleased because now i can be selfish! Watch what I want, eat what I want, buy a huge bag of chocolate and pig out. The stupid thing is I pretty much do what I want when he’s home anyway! But it feels different. I never got to live on my own and I like the freedom.
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January 15th, 2009 on 12:16 am
I don’t think you should worry about what a wife is “supposed” to feel. You miss him when he’s gone, but you don’t fall apart because of it. I think that’s good and healthy. It means he can do his job without having to worry you’re sitting at home in the dark because you don’t know how to change a lightbulb (or something like that). I can’t think of a better way to be a supportive wife than that!
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January 15th, 2009 on 3:31 am
I cry every time Nate leaves the house.
(Only joking!)
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January 15th, 2009 on 6:58 am
You’re funny. Yes you are. I think it’s rare to cry when your spouse leaves just for a few days. Sure I cried when we left for long distance; but that was 3-8 months at a time without seeing each other.
And you’ve delt with long distance too, so I’m sure you know the difference.
There is no “you’re supposed to feel that way wife guide”, we all deal with things different ways. And you are nice enough to play the good wife when he comes home.
You sound (with this and the last post) like you are worrying about who you are vs. who you are expected to be as his wife.
Being is wife is not and should not change who you are, the only different is that you learn to do things a different way and by sharing things you didn’t have to share before.
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January 15th, 2009 on 7:51 am
This is how I feel too. I agree that it means we are okay on our own and there is nothing wrong with it! It seems like most people can’t understand it but we like spending weekends apart sometimes. It is nice to have the house to yourself, eat pancakes for supper and watch trashy TV. I miss him of course, but I love my alone time too!
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January 15th, 2009 on 8:08 am
I think I cried the first time I had to say goodbye during the long-distance part of our relationship, but I quickly learned to look forward to the next time we’d see each other. It’s nice to get a little time to yourself! Personally, I usually end up trying on all of my ‘dress up clothes’ when he’s not around…old prom dresses and such. Yes, I’ll probably be sneaking around in my wedding dress whenever he’s out of town during the next 4 months.
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January 15th, 2009 on 8:46 am
We are probably the most pathetic couple on the planet. After doing the LDR thing for 2 years for the year we were engaged we were apart one whole day.
And neither of us slept (I also bawled my eyes out but for unrelated reasons) a wink.
I’m sure I can deal if he had to go away for a few days for some reason, and while I would be sad to see him go and miss him I’d probably take the chance to do a lot of things I sorta let fall by the wayside.
Maybe take out Sims 2 and spend my nights eating popcorn. Actually that sounds like fun right now. Where did I leave that microwave?
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January 15th, 2009 on 8:46 am
I wouldn’t worry about it too much - you’re not collapsing into a pile of despondent tears when he leaves and you’re not resenting the time when he’s gone/coming back. I think it’s normal to miss people when they’re gone but still be your own person.
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January 15th, 2009 on 9:18 am
Obviously, I have a different take since I knew that I’d be spending 2-3 years of our marriage long distance, but personally I’d find it far more worrisome if you DID cry every time he left. Feeling a little bit sad and lonely, of course… missing someone is expected. But crying when you know he’d be back in 3-5 days? To me, that is the sign of someone who is so dependent on another person that they cannot function as a single person anymore.
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January 15th, 2009 on 10:10 am
Oh, man am I lame! Since our marriage, I’ve only spent one night away from him (believe me it was definitely not my choice) for an office retreat. When he had a business trip, I decided to come along. I’m so glad I did too. I couldn’t spend the whole day with him of course, but I hated the fact that I knew I would be staying up late waiting for him to come home.
I don’t know that I would curl up into a ball and sob for hours on end though. Besides, there is definitely nothing wrong with being independent. And it is always nice to have some alone time away from the Man. Hehe.
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January 15th, 2009 on 10:50 am
I wouldn’t say I cry when I’m away from T for overnights, but I am definitely sad. I miss him a lot.
It is usually me leaving for the overnights though (rather than him), and while it is still hard, and I do still feel sad, it definitely is easier to be the person who goes away. I feel so bad b/c I’m in a hotel and working and with co-workers all day, stimulated by my new surroundings…but he comes home to our same place where we always are together, but we’re not together that night.
Still, I think it’s definitely okay to NOT cry. A little sad is good. A lot of tears is, well…a little scary, IMHO.
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January 15th, 2009 on 10:56 am
I realize now that maybe this post was just a LITTLE bit hyperbolic. And that putting it back to back with the post before makes me sound vulnerable and unsure about our relationship with each other. I do find all of your reactions very interesting though.
So I’ll clear things up by saying I don’t expect people to cry, but I don’t even feel SAD. I just like having the space to myself. I always dreamed of moving away after college and living on my own for awhile, but I got married so it didn’t happen.
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January 15th, 2009 on 12:00 pm
I think it would be weird if you didn’t have your own little routines when he’s gone. It’s good to have interests of your own (and dancing to music loudly when no one is home sound fabulous).
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January 15th, 2009 on 2:30 pm
I think if youi wre prepared for this going into it, then tears each time he leaves would be unexpected. It’s a poor comparison, but when Ryan works 60-70hours/week in the summer I’m not upset when I don’t seem him. When I unexpectedly don’t get to see him in the middle of the week or school year, it hurts.
You’re so young Jenna, just like me. These times to yourself can be hard, but I think they are necessary in a way. Like you said, in a little bit you won’t have “selfish time”- so enjoy it the best you can, and when the sadness creeps up just remember he’s always going to come home to you.
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January 18th, 2009 on 6:07 pm
I am finally commenting. I love your blog, and I forgot how I found it. I think on my friend Dawn’s page.
I don’t think it is weird at all. In fact, I am totally that way. S and I are in grad school together so we are always together and it is actually nice to have alone time. For example, I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants yesterday. You are much better than me though, I don’t do the cooking here.
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