I get a fair amount of emails and comments with people asking for advice or details on things I have experienced. Obviously I love sharing, as I do it right here every day (still for free, phooey) When people email me to say they are happy with a product they bought on my recommendation, or they have changed their lifestyle because of what I have shared about my own life I get a little rush. I love hearing that, and I genuinely enjoy spending time writing back and forth with you to convey those things.
One thing that’s really uncool though, is when I take a lot of time sharing my thoughts and experiences with someone, and they don’t take the time to acknowledge my effort with a thank-you reply. I can think of one particular instance where someone emailed me asking about the cost of having a baby, and I spent several hours (literally, this was a masterpiece of an email) putting together a reply. I waited and heard… nothing! I admit it took me 3-4 weeks to get back to her, but I assume she didn’t have her baby and move on during that amount of time. The information was still relevant and I put a lot of my time toward answering her question! (If that was you, don’t feel like I am being passive aggressive in yelling at you, I can only remember writing the email, I can’t remember the name of the person who sent it.) Same thing goes with comment replies on That Wife*. I don’t have the time to reply to all the comments I wish I could, but if I write a few paragraphs answering a question and you get a comment notification reply letting you know the information I sent your way, a simple Thank You is much appreciated.
And of course, these same rules should apply to all of the interactions you have with people online. It’s the kind thing to do, and a great way to say “Thank you for sharing a little piece of yourself with me!”
Off to answer an email from a reader who would like to talk about natural birth. One of my favorite topics!
*I think Formspring is exempt from this request/rant, as that site is really meant to be more of a q&a, not a discussion.
I wanted to link to a back-and-forth Courtney and I are having in the comment section below, which you can see here. I think it addresses a comment complaint from frequent readers of That Wife.
July 19th, 2011 on 8:51 am
I think you are entitled to expect a thank-you. I have generally replied and said thank-you to you in any interaction we’ve had, so I hope that I am not included in the group of people who fail to appreciate how much you put into That Wife et al.
One piece of feedback I would give you is that for quite a long time I significantly reduced reading and commenting on That Wife because I feel like my interaction was taken for granted. I genuinely felt that given the time I (and a few others) spent contributing that you could take the time to be interested in what we’re up to. I started again when you noticed a fashion/style project I toyed with late last year.
That isn’t meant to be snarky, and you know I am a huge fan (and was bummed we weren’t able to catch up when I was in Chicago as you ended up being away) but I guess I feel it’s worth noting that it is a two-way street. Especially with your regular readers.
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Chelsea Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 9:43 am
Agree. I still read just about every post, but never comment anymore. We have children nearly the exact same age, and we’re both wedding photographers, and I feel like the input I was adding to the “conversation” here in the comments was pretty worthwhile… but most of the time it was ignored. So to me, that’s not a conversation. It’s us talking back to Jenna, and her moving on to the next topic.
Like I said, Jenna… I still read. You’re still interesting. I’m just not taking the time to talk back anymore.
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
I enjoy that we have those same things in common as well. And I know you post everyday. Maybe you follow up with all of your comments and spend a lot of time talking with all of your readers and that is awesome! But I just don’t know where the time is to do that for me. This post alone has 50+ comments, to read and respond to them will take me at least an hour. I just don’t have time to devote that much to a blog I write for fun.
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Sarah Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 11:58 am
Agree with Chelsea. I love your blog Jenna and read regularly, but rarely comment. I read the comments often, so I know that you definitely do take the time to respond to some…and maybe you do a lot more responding via email? But it doesn’t always feel like a two-way street.
Granted, if I rarely comment, perhaps I’m not the type of reader you’re interested in. But it’s just my $0.02. Either way, I’ll still read because I do like your blog.
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Rachael Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:20 pm
I stopped commenting for the very same reason and like others have been taken aback by this post.
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Hannah Lundberg Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:55 am
I am a little taken aback that my comment apparently didn’t warrant a reply.
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Ewww Hannah, now you’re just getting snippy. It’s not becoming.
I enjoy clicking over to your blog, but if you had a baby and 30 comments a day to follow up on, and you were running your business, do you really think you could keep up with all of it?
Maybe you can, and props to you. But that’s just not something I can figure out how to manage. Maybe I should let my kid scream a little longer in his crib each day? Or the time I spent pillow talking with my husband last night was selfish of me because I had blog commenters that I needed to pay attention to?
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Chelsea Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:31 pm
I think it’s been established that we were just taken aback by the tone. I don’t think anyone HONESTLY expects you to respond to every comment… that’d be silly, and isn’t useful.
Specifically, I think the really long thread in the comments of the post following this one is a great example. About a half dozen of us talked at length about our thoughts and beliefs on the American welfare system. It would have been really cool if you’d been able to chime into that one, since you were the catalyst for the discussion. That’s really what I meant… there are times when a valuable conversation blooms in the comment section of your posts, and it can sometimes be a smidge frustrating that you aren’t participating in it.
That said, I TOTALLY know what you mean about not having enough hours in the day. The only reason I have time to keep up with blogs at all is that I set aside time at the beginning and ending of my “regular work day” to do these things, and it helps me unwind. Everyone’s work-home balance is different, and we all very much appreciate you sharing your life with us. If we didn’t appreciate it, we wouldn’t still read.
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Hannah Lundberg Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
I am not being snippy. It just appeared as though you were choosing to ignore this particular point of view being voiced by myself and others. You had responded to a number of others and ignored the first comment that was made, surely you can imagine the impression that leaves?
I am not suggesting that you should be following up on every single comment. I haven’t suggested that at all. All I have suggested is that once in a while you could take note of how much effort some readers make to engage on your blog. Not every day, not even every month, just occasionally.
I also don’t appreciate the insinuation that I don’t get being busy. I don’t have a baby or an uber-successful blog but I do work two jobs in addition to my business. Reading this blog (and a couple of others) is a time investment for me. I make time to do it because I like you, find you interesting and am invested in what this blog has to offer. I just feel that it is taken for granted sometimes, just as you feel as though your efforts are taken for granted a lot of the time.
I would have had no idea that you take the time to click over and see what I am up to. I’ve never had a single comment from you. If I had, I probably would not have taken so much time out from That Wife. I guess my point is that once every few months, when I was a regular commenter, it might have been nice to receive some acknowledgement of the effort I was making both in my endeavours and in supporting yours.
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Hannah Lundberg Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I just want to clarify: I love this blog, appreciate your efforts, and as I said originally: I wasn’t intending to be nasty, I just wanted to point out that it does go both ways.
I have thought about emailing you about things a number of times, and decided against it because I realise you’re busy so please don’t take it that I take your efforts for granted. I don’t. I just feel like sometimes the people who have been reading and supporting you since long before you had thousands of readers could use a little love and recognition too.
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Shanna Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 2:17 am
This response is a little uncalled for. Hannah makes a valid point about this not being much of a two-way street, and the feelings of quite a few people seem important enough to address, in my opinion.
Also, I feel that you make enough comments about how this blog isn’t making you money (yet!) that it feels more like you’re trying to use us readers for financial gain at some point. So, whenever you do turn a profit, do we get individual thanks for that?
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Rachael Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 2:00 pm
I was about to say the very same thing…that was a little uncalled for. Jenna remarked that happy was being snippy and then turned around and did that as well. Just because some of us do not have babies doesn’t mean we aren’t busy and that our lives are less important or full or meaningful.
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July 19th, 2011 on 8:54 am
Hope I’m not in that group of folks!
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July 19th, 2011 on 9:00 am
Can you post that email about the cost of a baby? That would be really helpful for those of us thinking about that path soon. If you still have it, that is. Thanks
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Ashley Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 9:43 am
Seconded…This would make a great blog post - my husband and I are *thisclose* to starting irrevocably down that road, and real, honest info in one place from someone who’s already been there is supremely hard to find. (Thanks in advance if you decide to post this!)
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Natalie Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 9:50 am
I third this.
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kathy Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 9:55 am
I fourth this!
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Courtney Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 10:28 am
Would love to see this too!
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July 19th, 2011 on 9:03 am
Duly noted. I’d like to point out that this really does stretch into other aspects of life, too. One time, I had a friend of a friend of a friend e-mail me to ask questions about where I worked and my career field. Because it’s such a hard field to break into and because so many people helped in my career path, I wrote a novel back. Radio silence. Not even a “hey, thanks.” Fast forward a year and I get an e-mail from the same woman asking if I knew if my company or anywhere else was hiring. My response? Radio silence.
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July 19th, 2011 on 9:11 am
So… I’m the one who emailed asking about the cost of having a baby.
And I appreciated your long email.
In fact, I wrote back a long email to you in response, barely one day after you emailed me. Which I just forwarded to you.
I’m so sad that you apparently never received it, because I had been hoping to hear back about some of the thoughts that I had written in that response email to you!
Perhaps that happens more often than you know? I imagine you get quite a number of emails. Perhaps other people’s emails, like mine, simply don’t actually make it to your inbox?
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Natalie Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 10:01 am
This could be the case because GMail sometimes creates random filters or spam settings… I have had problems with it in the past.
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Petra Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Ummm, Jenna - are you going to respond to this comment?
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Jenna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I did. Via email.
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beka Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Jenna also mentioned that I wasn’t the person she was referring to in the “cost of having a baby” post that she put up a few minutes ago. Apparently, it’s a popular question
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July 19th, 2011 on 9:53 am
I think it is always good to think about why you blog, what the purpose is behind it and who it benefits. It should benefit you first, intrinsically, because waiting for other people to react is a sure way to be disappointed, too. Unfortunate, but true.
I think you are lovely and I guess I have low expectations, but I don’t expect replies on every comment or whatever. Just be you.
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July 19th, 2011 on 10:30 am
I’ve read (just about) every post since before you got pregnant with That1, but don’t always comment because I feel like I don’t have much to say/contribute!
I do appreciate your responses to my emails about natural birth, though, and I hope the info I have given you will be helpful when you move back to Dallas!
The posts I tend to skip sometimes are the Mormon-related ones on Sundays (not always, though), but I still appreciate the better understanding of LDS beliefs and culture I have gained from your blog. In the past year, most of my new good friends are Mormon (most of the married med school wives are LDS, and we get together all the time because we get along so well)and I am glad I understand terms like “ward” and “relief society” now. I’ll always be a strong believer in Catholicism, but I like learning the TRUE beliefs behind other religions.
Ironically, many of these girls belong to your old ward (or a neighboring one), based on where they live.
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Marissa C Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 10:32 am
Lots of run ons there…sorry!
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I certainly don’t think you have to comment on every post. The Shiny Happy Hip bloggers who just get a bunch of comments saying the same thing over and over… what’s the appeal of that! I like that when you talk to me, you have something genuine to say.
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July 19th, 2011 on 10:30 am
I’m kind of surprised by this and feel it’s slightly harsh. I would have to agree with the “two way street” comment. While I absolutely adore you and genuinely look forward to your posts, tweets, responses, I feel like I should say something. I’m not the greatest with words or expressing what I mean so you’ll have to bear with me.
In the blog world, shouldn’t we just expect that kind of behavior? Doesn’t it go both ways? You can’t always expect to send something out into the web world and always get a response back. I’ve written countless comments, emails, responses (to you and many many other bloggers/tweeters) and a lot of time, it goes unanswered, unacknowledged. Not always, but a lot of time.
While thank you’s are nice and appreciated, don’t we all get really busy from time to time? We get an email on our phone, but make a mental note to try to get back to it on our computer when we’re not running around like crazy or stopped at a red light. And then, what do you know- out of sight, out of mind. So while it may take weeks for you to respond to someone, by the time they receive a response, it may be a crazy, chaotic time for them and there just isn’t the time. Sadly, unfortunately so.
I completely get the need to say thanks to a long email, especially when a lot of time was put into it - but comments? I feel like that’s just not always fair. In all fairness, you’re a blogger and we are readers. Bloggers write and readers show their appreciation in various forms besides returning and saying “thank you” every time. We show our appreciation by coming back, by continuing to read, by caring about your food blog and your tumblr and your facebook and your tweets. By continuing to offer advice and comments and responses, even though they may go unanswered too. We show our thanks by clicking in - and hopefully, one day that will actually have more of a financial benefit for you. You have put a lot of effort into this world of yours and deserve to be compensated for it.
You’re like a blog Mom. You put so much time and effort into your posts and online world - and we do care. We do appreciate it, and we do get a lot out of it. It’s just not always said out loud at the right moment. But you should know how much everyone adores you and respects you and that’s why we keep coming back.
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Jenna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 11:12 am
I think this is a pretty common complaint that is never going to go away. Short answer, there is just not enough time. I feel like I’m a relatively productive person and I still go to bed each night feeling like I wasn’t able to get enough done that day. Replying to comments just doesn’t sit high enough on my list of priorities. I think it was clear to you that this was directed toward interactions where I take a significant amount of time to sit down and hash things out, and not just fun comments like
“Your baby is so cute Jenna”,
“Thank you reader”.
I of course don’t expect them to come back and THEN acknowledge my follow-up comment.
Long answer:
I think it’s important to keep in mind, that I make my “investment” into the conversation before you do. I put hours and hours into That Wife each week, and the longer posts that act as more of a resource can be 2-3 hours of work individually. I realize I get back things like attention and compliments and maybe even one day some money, but you obviously get something out of That Wife as well or you wouldn’t keep coming back! I try to help people learn about photography, birth, food, budgeting, and a host of other things I’ve tried to write posts on.
Second, there is only one of me, and thousands (literally) of you. To have regular interactions with solely the regular readers would be a full time job, not to mention those who comment infrequently.
Third, over the course of That Wife, I’ve left 2375 replies in the comment section. My blog has been running for 994 days so far, which averages out to about 2 comments each day. So I am talking back, I just can’t do it with each one of you. And that doesn’t include the comments I reply to via email.
And I just wanted to reiterate one more time, that this post developed because of an email where I put a lot of time into a reply, and I didn’t hear anything back. I’m not trying to say that everything I do online is worth diamonds and praise and people should be making sure I feel loved and appreciated at every moment. You know?
And an LOL to me being a blog mom. No one has called me that before and it made me laugh. I know it was a compliment though and so thank you.
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Courtney Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Thank you for your response.
You do seem to be a pretty productive person. For the amount of time you put into this and comments you do leave I don’t think anyone is saying you don’t give back or respond enough, just saying we don’t necessarily expect it and therefore you should not either. Which sounds harsh, but I hope you get what I mean. Like Caitlin said, the thoughts are there, even if they don’t always get typed.
The funny thing is when you say “there is one of me and thousands of you”, I feel the same way, but as a reader.
There are so many blogs! So many good posts! But I can’t help but feel like a tiny blip on any bloggers radar screen when I comment, ask a question, etc… A blip that couldn’t possibly negatively affect a big blogger by not saying thanks.
I guess I’m wrong. Your post has made me think and will make me give more of an effort to responding with thanks if a writer does go above and beyond in communicating or responding. We all like to be appreciated.
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Turtle Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 11:13 am
Courtney, I think this is well said. I agree that I’m a little taken a back by this post, particularly given the fact that Jenna has admitted to having difficulty managing her own inbox.
thank you to everyone who continues taking the time here to comment, and Jenna for keeping the community going.
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Sarah for Real Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 11:55 am
I agree with Courtney here. This post took me aback a little. I understand replying to a long email, but as far as responses to comments go, I think you need to be more realistic.
The thanks and respect you get from your readers is that we continue to read. We are readers, not necessarily writers. If you’re not getting what you want out of your blog, then I think you need to look inward.
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Jenna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Has this never happened to you? Where someone asks you to help them figure out how to join a CSA, or eat better, or talk to their husband about changing eating habits, or something, and you put a lot of time and several paragraphs into a reply and they don’t even time to say thank you in return? This is not an isolated incident for me, which is why I wrote the post.
And I tried to point out that I wasn’t looking for a response to every comment. But some replies take me a lot of time and I don’t think it’s unrealistic when I have email notification on my blog to say that the nice thing to do is to come back and say thank you, especially when I am replying to a specific request for more information:
https://thatwifeblog.com/2011/06/vlog-how-i-take-a-picture/#comment-186842
Another great example, this time of TH taking the time to write something out: https://thatwifeblog.com/2011/01/budgeting-during-business-school/#comment-120508
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Sarah for Real Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
I agree with an email response like I said that in my first comment. That’s on a level of personal contact and I agree with you 100% that a simple thanks is courteous.
Admittedly, I don’t get as much personal contact from readers as you, but I have given a few longer bits of advice, and honestly I can’t remember if I got a response or not. Simply being asked is enough for me.
We can never predict or dictate others actions so I don’t put much thought or stock in what other people do. This way I don’t end up disappointed when strangers are inevitably not as kind as my friends and family.
I know you’ve had numerous instances where readers don’t view bloggers as actual humans and can be very unkind. I think not responding to comments or emails is in the same vein, thought obviously not as insidious.
Maybe instead of spending your valuable time with lengthy responses to individual readers, you could write it as a post. I do this often, and I’ll just thank the reader for the idea and let them know that I will blog about it soon.
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July 19th, 2011 on 10:39 am
Another thought… (and this is not directed toward you because you have a “Notify me of follow-up comments via email” function).
Comment systems are whack.
There are so many! Some let you reply to that comment. Some do not. Some notify you of responses, others make you keep coming back to that blog to check for comments, and really? Who has time to do that with every post and blog they comment on? Not I!
Can we just have ONE streamlines system, blog world? It would surely make for a more “connected” community.
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July 19th, 2011 on 11:25 am
This post reads like you’re telling your readers how to behave and venting about a disappointment you’re creating for yourself. Blech.
I can’t relate to why you would spend 3 to 4 hours on a response to a person you don’t know but maybe it has something to do with your initial statement in this post: You enjoy it and you gain some benefit from the sharing with others. I think this post could have been a lot more interesting and less off-putting if you’d chosen to delve into yourself and why these unmet expectations stir so much concern for you.
I love your blog but this has left a really bad taste in my mouth.
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Brianna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
I agree that this post has left a bad taste in my mouth as well. And that really saddnes me.
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July 19th, 2011 on 11:30 am
Maybe you should post your answers to emails that take you a long time to respond to on your blog? That’s what I do, and then it’s like a two for one work special!
I think it’s important to point out that just because someone doesn’t reply to your reply on their comment doesn’t mean they didn’t read it and acknowledge or appreciate it. I read things all the time and say, “WOW! Thank you so and so” aloud but just don’t type it.
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Emily Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I agree - I love it when bloggers write posts that are responses to emails. It makes me realize that I had the same question, but hadn’t asked it. On that note, I’d love to hear more about natural birth
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July 19th, 2011 on 11:40 am
I think it’s great that you posted this. While most of my comments are never followed up on (on any blog that I follow), I try not to take it personally. More of a “well, a million other people are commenting so why should I feel entitled to a response.” Especially if the blog is high traffic. It sounds though like you might’ve overlooked the response to your email… but I’m sure it’s not an isolated incident. Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself.
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July 19th, 2011 on 12:22 pm
Why share good responses with just one reader? It’s more bang for the buck to share with everyone at once. The more successful your blog, the less time you’ll have to answer individual questions by email…you’d wear yourself out trying to keep up!
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July 19th, 2011 on 12:26 pm
Hmm… I’m a bit taken aback.
I disagree on whether the behavior you’re offended by is appropriate or not. I’m actually happy to NOT receive “Thanks!” or “Got it!” messages to emails I send, no matter how long and involved. I sent the message, and if I need a response, I’ll let you know so in the body of the email. (I’ve never emailed you before- so I don’t mean YOU literally.) Otherwise, I’m content to not have ANOTHER email in my inbox. Maybe I’m the only one, but I actually see myself as doing the other person a courtesy when I DON’T send such a short email that amounts (in my eyes) to clutter in their inbox. To tweak a cliche saying, oftentimes, manners are in the eye of the beholder. What’s rude to you may be just fine, or even courteous, to me. Email etiquette is evolving still, so it’s hard to say what’s appropriate and what isn’t. I don’t know that we’re at that point, as a society, where there are agreed norms… or where a lack of a “thank you” email or an “I received your message” email is expected.
Also, I’m surprised by your request for gratitude. It strikes me as rather ingracious. Again, manners are in the eye of the beholder, so I know I may be the minority here, but your request for gratitude isn’t sitting well with me. I just didn’t expect it from you.
Finally, if getting a reply to your emails is important to you, can I suggest adding that to your email signature? Maybe make your gmail signature say something like “I like knowing my emails were received so I don’t worry about it getting lost in SPAM filters. Please send me a quick email in response to let me know you got this email.” Maybe you’ve already tried that?
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Elizabeth Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Well said. The title of this blog posts screams “I’ve been mistreated!” That is not the case. Your readers, like you, are busy people. Just as you don’t have time to respond to every comment, they might not have time to come back to a post and say thank you. Maybe they post at night or at work and it just slips their mind.
I really don’t think anyone is disrespecting you on purpose. Brianna is correct when she says manners are different for everyone and people may not want to clog up your inbox with short “thank you” notes.
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Jenna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I don’t think every email in the world needs a follow-up. Then you would create this endless loop where no one knows when they can actually stop replying to the other person’s message.
But put yourself in my shoes. I email you and ask you to please help me understand the process of… buying a home. You spend an hour putting together an email with several paragraphs, links, figures, and facts detailing how I would go about doing that.
Radio silence.
I don’t write ANYTHING in response to you. Not to acknowledge I got the email. Not to tell you how buying a home went. Nothing.
How would that make you feel?
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Brianna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Well, I thought I should think through similar situations where I have sent long, involved, detailed emails and answers to questions to friends and family before I respond. And it seems like it depends on the circumstance. The difference seems to be the closeness I have with that person, and the seriousness/weirdness/urgency of the request.
Ex: sister needing to know about blood types in our family/inheritance of blood type. Odd and seemingly urgent, right? I wanted a response from her, but not necessarily a thank you. And, a response is what I got, plus a thank you. Which I thought was very nice, but not needed from sister.
Ex 2: In situations where I’m not particularly close with the emailer, and there’s nothing that really sticks out about it (ex: a friend of a friend is moving to the city where I live from another country, and our mutual friend asked me to give some recommendations on neighborhoods to live in)- there, I didn’t need a response or a thank you. I did get a response there too, but not a thank you. And I was happy just knowing it got to the friend of a friend.
So— it depends, is what I’m saying.
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
I thought I made it clear what this situation was. This was a stranger writing me out of the blue who asked for help. I’m not sure I think it needs to depend?
Either way, I guess we just process the situation differently.
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Brianna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 5:43 pm
That’s exactly what I was getting at- that what’s polite to me may be rude to you and vice versa, especially in a situation where there’s no Emily Post to turn to. Just pointing out that there is another (possibly even valid) way to look at the situation that hadn’t seemed to have been considered.
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Brianna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Sorry if that was supposed to be a rhetorical “how would you feel?”
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Turtle Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Just to piggyback on what BRianna is saying I think it’s worth realizing that her point was that “how would you feel?” is largely constructed by the email culture that you are used to. I once had a job where I received and sent hundreds of emails a day- many short and business like and some long full of instructions or advice. It ws the culture in our workplace to avoid sending “thanks” type emails and to accept the thanks usually given in the original email requesting information as enough. This kept our inboxes from filling it with emails that did not necessitate a response and was not only acceptable but considered the polite thing to do.
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Christine Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 2:00 pm
“I email you and ask you to please help me understand the process of… buying a home. You spend an hour putting together an email with several paragraphs, links, figures, and facts detailing how I would go about doing that.
Radio silence.
I don’t write ANYTHING in response to you. Not to acknowledge I got the email. Not to tell you how buying a home went. Nothing.
How would that make you feel?”
Probably a little annoyed. Like that person is potentially busy/rude/not invested in me/careless/not very thoughtful….and then I would get on with my day, not broadcast my frustation. Why waste time speculating on why someone else slighted you who doesn’t even know you? Focus on solutions for resolving your feelings, instead of focusing on the other person.
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Zoe Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 4:19 am
If they asked for the figures, then a thank you could be expected. If you VOLUNTEERED all that work, then next time you either do it again because you enjoyed it (but still knowing that you might not get a response back) or give briefer answers.
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July 19th, 2011 on 1:14 pm
I don’t think Jenna is out of line in bringing attention to this. She puts a lot of thought, time, and energy into the things she writes. She’s not asking for people to rain accolades on her and build her self-esteem by fawning over her.
I just write a family blog and I get upset when no one notices how much time and effort I took to keep them updated. I only hear things when I’m not updating enough or putting enough photos up. It’s easy for me to see how not getting even a, “hey thanks for the info” after writing a personal response that took quite a bit of time to work out is kind of a slap in the face. It’s not like she’s asking for thanks for everything but the things that obviously took quite a bit of time and effort. I’m surprised more people can’t relate.
Thanks for a great blog Jenna. I very much enjoy your posts. You have inspired my husband and I in many ways.
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July 19th, 2011 on 1:50 pm
I totally understand your frustration.. sometimes it’s just so infuriating to put so much time and effort into doing something nice for someone else, without getting any compensation or acknowledgement. I’m sure people value your insight or else you wouldn’t get a million questions on formspring or tons of emails, but sometimes people just forget to hit “respond” or like me, think that I’ll wait until a more convenient time to respond but then I completely forget.
I’ve been on both sides of the stick, and know how you feel, but at the same time, understand that not everyone responds to emails right away. This post was a little bit harsh (understandably, I’d be frustrated too!) and could have been worded a little bit better, but at the end of the day, this is your blog and you can post whatever you want or rant however you want. Thanks for sharing your thoughts… and a reminder for me to respond to all those emails.
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July 19th, 2011 on 3:21 pm
I’m wracking my brain trying to think if this describes any interaction I’ve ever had with you… I don’t think it does, but if it ever did, know that the reason that I hypothetically didn’t respond to whatever it was you hypothetically sent me was because I am a very shy and private person and somehow while I can manage to talk back on the blog, when interaction with someone like you (not really “known”, someone whom I have a little bit of celebrity awe for) enters my inbox, I tend to clam up out of shyness/fear of saying the wrong thing. Probably still rude, I know, but maybe others are like that too?
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July 19th, 2011 on 4:23 pm
ok so I am trying to understand this…because it sorta doesn’t make sense to me? So even after you follow up on a comment you want your readers to come back here and say “thank you” So does that mean you have to say thank you after every comment also? I thought the fact that we as readers make comments means that we acknowledge what you were saying in the first place…?
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
I feel like I made that pretty clear in my follow-up comments throughout this post (although I thought it was clear in the original post but I guess not?)
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July 19th, 2011 on 5:53 pm
Did I read the same blog post as everyone else? Jenna… did you change it before I got a chance to read it?
Man oh man… I feel like you are talking about responses to personal/private emails you have sent out to people, not comments on posts you write. I must have missed something though because OBVIOUSLY from so many of these comments you simply were grumpy you don’t get enough comments (???)
In all seriousness though, I have to say that I really feel like anytime I’ve left a comment with a question about something you’ve posted, you have answered it. To me, that is pretty amazing since you have so many comments. I also do think you are appreciative of those who share things with you. I still remember how much it made my day to see you write about baklava after I sent you the recipe and water. It was very sweet of you and left me with a smile on your face. Sure, you might not reply to every comment, but I honestly feel like you try and interact/respond to readers as much as possible.
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Tiffany Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 2:06 am
“Same thing goes with comment replies on That Wife*. I don’t have the time to reply to all the comments I wish I could, but if I write a few paragraphs answering a question and you get a comment notification reply letting you know the information I sent your way, a simple Thank You is much appreciated.”
yep it applies to comments too. this was taken word for word from the above post.
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:46 pm
I did mention that I think it would be nice for people to say thank you if I take a lot of time to answer a question in a comment, but apparently Tiffany is very angry that I would even suggest a thing.
And no, the post you read is the post I originally wrote.
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Hayley Marie Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:56 pm
I guess when I read that, I took it as saying thanks if I make a comment on a post and then you answer that question… not that you expect me to comment on every post you write with a “thanks Jenna! You rocked my world”.
I mean, yes Jenna, you rock my world with some of your posts, but I’m not going to lie, I’m just not at a place in my life when I am thinking about cloth v. disposable diapers or making ink prints out of placentas
(this could all change someday when I’m actually thinking about kids but considering I’m 100% single, it is just not on my mind)
I have no problem with you expecting a quick two letter reply (thank you) if you take the time AFTER researching, thinking and writing out a post to then write out an additional response to my personal question.
Then again, I was just raised with the idea that saying “Thanks” is polite.
On that note… thanks for the clarification about the post being the one I read originally
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Tiffany Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 4:50 pm
um how was taking your post word for word being angry?
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July 19th, 2011 on 5:56 pm
Respect is a two way street. The timing of this post is interesting to me as while you’ve thanked me in the past for links, etc I have sent you, I was thinking the other day how I feel when you completely drop an email or twitter convo that we’ve had some back and forth on- especially when the origin was a question that you have posed to the twitterverse or to your readers. I feel this is much more personal dis than someone who doesn’t say ‘thanks’ after you reply to their comment. Should they expect acknowledgement of their thanks in return?
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Jenna Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 9:51 pm
If I have asked you for help, and you put in a significant amount of time (a tweet never counts as a significant amount of time, IMO) I apologize. Unfortunately I cannot have an equal relationship with everyone I come in contact with online. It’s going to be lopsided at some point.
If I post a question on Twitter like “Where can I buy X?” or “What’s your favorite Y” I might get 30 responses, and I just don’t have the time in the day to respond to each of them every single time.
But that kind of thing isn’t what I was referencing here. As I noted above, a better example is me reaching out to you to ask for your help with something, you write me several paragraphs back in reply and help me, and I don’t even take the time to respond to let you know I appreciated your time and efforts. I don’t remember doing that with you, but if so I apologize.
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July 19th, 2011 on 7:10 pm
I’m a reader-not-a-commenter (sorry) on That Wife. I love the information that Jenna gives out, even though most of it doesn’t relate to me (childless, I work full time, not a photographer, etc) and while I can understand the girls saying that they’re baffled by this post, something about this reminds me of little arguments I can get into with my husband: I get upset by something, confront it, it turns into a HUGE argument that at the end leaves me thinking, “I wish I NEVER would’ve said anything cause it wasn’t worth the discourse it created.” And maybe Jenna isn’t thinking that, but cut her some slack anyway.
I understand this feeling of being ignored - I can’t tell you how many times I commented to my favorite bloggers on Twitter and was totally, completely ignored. In fact, it happened so much that I deleted my Twitter account cause I got SICK of feeling like I didn’t matter…over and over again. It’s a frustrating feeling, especially when you invest a lot of personal time to read someone’s blogs, Twitter, FB, etc.
I would say to Jenna - I guess you might just need to accept the fact that some people will not write back to say ‘Thank You’ when you might have put a lot of time in to respond. It’s unfortunate and frustrating, but what can you do?
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Jenna Reply:
July 20th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Yes, you’re right, I just need to accept that some people don’t respond the way I would like.
But I can HOPE that a post like this will cause some people to think about what they are doing the next time they write asking someone for a favor!
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July 19th, 2011 on 9:40 pm
I would be grateful to just get some comments on my blog. Thankfully, my youngest daughter comments. Otherwise I would never get a single comment. I used to spend hours and hours on my blog, researching and writing, but haven’t lately…..mainly because I’ve just been so busy. But….when I was spending so much time blogging, I did get my feelings a bit hurt because I have a lot to say and have a lot of life experience. My stats show that people all over the world are reading…just no one is commenting. Why were people reading but not commenting? Then, I had to ask myself why did I became a blogger in the first place….I agree with the comment about looking inward. While I would still enjoy a few comments now and then, I’m satisfied that at least people are reading!
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July 20th, 2011 on 12:03 pm
This is something I’ve been struggling with lately, but on the other side of things, as a frequent reader/commenter on blogs. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve scaled way back, and I pretty much only comment on your blog, because at this point I feel we have a friendship and I am now interested in your life as a friend, not just as an interesting internet stranger. But I have stopped commenting on other blogs where I feel as though I’m just one of hundreds- as though my comment doesn’t matter, or goes un-noticed. The reason I still comment here is also because you have fostered an excellent community, so that even if you are not personally responding to every comment, we are usually engaging one another, and that’s fun and interesting, too.
What I personally cannot understand is people who will take the time to comment on every single post of a big time, popular blogger, say nothing but effusive praise, get nothing back at all, and keep coming back every.single.post. and leaving another comment. From a reader perspective, it is baffling to me that such blogs, and such a commenting culture, continues to draw people in enough to get them to keep leaving such banal, effusive praise that is completely ignored. I don’t feel you do this. I know you can’t respond to every single question/comment, but I do think you do a good job of interjecting when there is a big time dissent, or a serious question, etc. I personally like the way you handle your online interactions with us, and I do see how it can never be fully a two way street. I do agree that your side of the online interaction begins far before a post is ever made- you research it, you write it, you photograph for it, you edit those photographs, you edit the post, and then you put it up. So, as you said, that’s sometimes 2-3 hours of “input” into the “conversation”, compared to, at most, perhaps 5 minutes put into a lengthy comment.
I do think lengthy e-mails should be replied to, especially if someone seeks you out. I do think on lengthy replies to comments, however, that it is understandable for someone to not reply. I’ll admit that for the first few months of my participation here, I never checked my e-mail for follow up comments- I was so used to never getting them, haha. And often times when someone responds to a comment I have made- you, or someone else- there is really not much more to say other than “Agreed”, and, similar to the problem of cluttering up someone’s inbox with e-mails that are a bit trite, I guess I feel the same way about such comments.
At the bottom of all of this, I think you would feel less frustrated by the radio silence to lengthy e-mails if you adopted a new policy- don’t answer them directly. Respond by saying “your question really sparked a lot of thought, this will be going up as a post in the near future, thanks for getting me thinking about this and I hope the post helps you and anyone else with the same question”. Or something like that. My personal policy is that when the terms of an interaction are not agreed to at the outset, I accept that the other person might totally fail me and never respond in kind. I know that might sound negative, but, in the end, it is more of a Buddhist approach than anything else. No expectations are probably the best kind to have when one is spending a long time investing a lot of effort into something that may or may not be acknowledged.
And lastly, I truly do hope you are able to generate an income stream from That Wife soon! You do put a lot of work into it, and I think that right now you are understandably relying on the feedback of readers as “compensation”, in the absence of monetary compensation, so that’s probably why it stings even more. If you were getting an income stream from the blog, it would probably be easier to brush off the radio silences here and there.
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July 20th, 2011 on 4:48 pm
I didn’t realize blog readers could be such a sensitive lot! My goodness, so many hurt feelings over asking for an occasional thanks when it’s clear you spent a lot of time responding. I think the amount of responding you do is amazing, and readers of blogs shouldn’t expect an answer to every question and certainly not every comment!
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July 20th, 2011 on 4:57 pm
I’m totally with you on this. I’ve spent countless hours on questions from readers, whether it is helping readers style outfits, finding the perfect pair of shoes, career advice and even to brides who are planning their wedding at the resort that I got married to. I don’t have an “answer template” that I just cut and paste on my emails. I take the time to research and respond to each question personally and thoughtfully. It takes up time that I don’t have but I specifically carve out time for. When I know that I’ve spent an hour or more answering an email and then I don’t hear a response or even a “thank you, that was helpful” I get really discouraged to answer any more questions. To this point, I put a note in my “contact me” section of my blog addressing that a “thank you” is very much appreciated. http://www.iamstyle-ish.com/p/contact.html I can tell you that since I’ve done this, the people who write me are a lot more thoughtful in their questions (I used to get questions that didn’t even address me by name and just said stuff like “Hey! you like shoes! Help me find the perfect nude pumps to go with this dress!” like they didn’t even ask, they basically just demanded me to find them shoes. Like I have all the time in the world to be somebody’s personal shopper. But because I write a fashion/style blog, people think that’s what I’m supposed to do for them. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, when I finally asked for it, I got what I wanted. I get thoughtful questions from readers that appreciate my time and efforts and I almost always get a response now which I love because the response usually tells me a bit more about how I can help them and sometimes the emails can go on for a few days and I get to know my readers a lot better. The way things were before, I just felt like an unappreciated question and answer robot. The note may turn some people off but on the flip side I think it then stops them from asking questions.
One time I got a question from a girl seeking career advice. I wrote the longest email talking about my experiences and how to get into HR, how I rose up the corporate ladder, answering all these questions that she asked me. I got nothing in return and what bothered me most was that if this was “real life” I would not have been treated this way. I was the HR Director for a company and anybody that came to me in “real life” for career advice, they’d take me out to lunch, write me thank you notes, send me email updates about their career and just generally really appreciate my advice. But in the internet world, it’s just totally different which I’ve come to realize and I’ve had to set my expectations differently for interactions with my readers.
With comments, I try to answer all my comments but I just don’t have the time to so it’s my last priority. Some people do leave questions in my comments that take a bit of research and when I get back to them I don’t expect a “thank you” because I think the comment world is a little bit different than the email world but when I do get a “thank you” it is always appreciated.
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Jenna Reply:
July 28th, 2011 at 12:46 am
I don’t know why I was thinking about this comment today, but it popped up and I realized I never replied to it (though I wanted to). It was really nice to hear another blogger with a larger audience chiming in with their personal experience. Almost everyone complaining in the comments section here can’t really identify, and it was nice to have someone who feels my pain. And I know I don’t even get close to the amount of emails that you do!
I like the idea of putting a note on my contact page. When I finally update my About page, I’m going to add that in.
Here’s to hoping we can stop people from turning us into answer robots!
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July 20th, 2011 on 5:01 pm
Maybe when you write long responses to questions you should include them as new blog topics. Then the person asking gets the response, many other people with a similar question will also get the information, and you will (most likely) get appreciative comments from many readers instead of maybe / maybe not getting one response.
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July 20th, 2011 on 8:40 pm
On one hand I understand where Jenna is coming from, as it would be frustrating to spend an hour researching something and not receive a simple acknowledgement afterward. However, I also think that I would never spend an hour researching something for someone that is an acquaintance through my blog. Answering questions for people using the knowledge I already have is one thing, but researching for them (essentially doing the dirty work) is another. I’m all for sharing tips on something you already know about, but I think I would scale back the lengthy responses. You claim you don’t have enough time in the day to get everything done, maybe this is an area that you could cut back on and kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Spend less time on lengthy emails and replies and have less of an expectation that people thank you for your valuable time?
If you feel like you can’t cut it down to a short 1 paragraph answer or link to someone else who has already answered it, I would thank them for the inspiration for a future blog post and turn it into a new conversation that will have new comments to keep you feeling fulfilled and appreciated.
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July 21st, 2011 on 7:10 pm
I think maybe you are overreacting, Jenna. The thing is that you did take a long time to respond, and you have acknowledged that you have a hard time keeping up with your email inbox yourself. So you might be a little more compassionate towards someone who is also busy. Going down that road of helping people because you want a thank you in return is a recipe for frustration. You did a kind thing - God knows, you know - should that maybe be enough? Yes, it is polite to say thank you, but nobody’s perfect, and that’s ok.
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Jenna Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Though this was certainly yet another example of a post I either did a poor job writing or was largely misread, I guess I hoped that pointing it out would cause people to change if they had done that to someone in the past?
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Penny Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Yeah, I’m afraid that it came across as a scolding, which the comments seem to show - to be honest, it would appear that this is how you really feel. Totally your right! But I think sometimes you can give people a pass, especially when their initial request was for help.
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July 25th, 2011 on 5:33 pm
I think you missed the mark in your tone as this does come across as scolding your readers which I’m sure wasn’t your intention. I can’t fault you for valuing gratitude, but how does this gel with how you handled your thank you notes for the baby gifts you received? ( I seem to remember you saying you had a ‘shameful secret ‘ as you called it about your wedding thank yous as well though I can’t remember what that was) I have a 7 month old so I know it was hard to get to them all, but for someone who obviously values gratitude for emails and comment replies, I’m wondering if you feel you’re being hypocritical here?
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July 28th, 2011 on 9:45 pm
Jenna,
I also found this post to be a little off putting. Especially your responses to the comments…in a couple of them it felt like you were saying if we aren’t mothers we don’t understand being busy, in others I felt like you were saying that if our blog didn’t attract 897,303 readers like yours (or the other “big” blogger you replied to above” then we don’t know what it’s like. I also think you’re trying to have your cake and eat it too..you complain frequently about your inbox being too full and cluttered..the few times I have e-mailed you I’ve kept that in mind and never responded to your response. I also think you’re trying to have/eat your cake by saying how busy you are and that you don’t have time to respond to comments, etc. But then today you managed to find time to respond multiple times. Obviously there are only 24 hours in a day. That’s a given. And obviously you are busy doing other things. But, this conversation today also proves that you CAN find time to respond if you choose to do so. It’s just that, a choice. Be careful what you wish for…you might just end up with no commenters/readers.
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Jenna Reply:
July 29th, 2011 at 3:28 am
I wrinkled my nose at this. It felt so… off putting?
Now write me 7 paragraphs on something I need advice on and I’ll go ahead and make sure I don’t say thank you so you can understand how awesome it feels.
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August 1st, 2011 on 9:13 am
Your title is “please respect me and my efforts” but you then go on to say you don’t have time to always reply to comments, etc. Just wondering why your readers seem to owe you the respect to say thank you, as you wish, but you admit you don’t have the time to comment back to the readers which make your blog widely read? Seems a little unfair.
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